Archive for October, 2006

15 Signs An Adult Is Stuck Thinking Or Acting Like A 3-Year-Old

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Maturity is not just chronological. Here are 15 signs that an adult is still stuck thinking or acting like a 3-year-old.

A 3-year-old believes:

  1. If I do not want to do something, everybody will wait until I’m ready.

  2. I will always get a do-over.

  3. If you misunderstand me it is always your fault.

  4. Fair means that everyone gets the same no matter what they do, and it is even fairer when I get more for doing less.

  5. If I break it and hide it, nobody will ever know.

  6. To play nice means doing everything my way (conflict or problems are all your fault).

  7. If I make a mess, someone else will always clean it up.

  8. If I get into trouble, somebody else did it.

  9. Whatever I want is free and I should have it now.

10. If I don’t get what I want and now, my world will end.

11. It is always my job to tell everyone when anyone does something wrong.

12. No one can or will hurt me, except the monsters under my bed.

13. Something is worth the effort until it is effort, and then I just give up.

14. If I get bored I will just take a nap.

15. Dessert is always better before the meal.

Think grown-up thoughts for maximum success and happiness in business and in life. If you ever regress into one of these 15, choose to replace your thinking with mature beliefs, and leave here a better you.

Posted in attitude, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, family, goals, humor, life philosophy, marriage, organization, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, relationships, success, wealth & income, work & career | 7 Comments »

How To Know Who You Are In 20 Minutes

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

Your choices are based on your identity, yet every choice you make determines who you are. The identity you construct yields decisions, attitudes, and actions that are puzzle pieces of your life, which fit together intricately to create a beautiful mosaic that is you. What will your picture reveal? Will you be proactive in life, or allow others to take you along for the ride? It is easy to figure out who you are: you are who you create yourself to be, who you become, even at this moment. Every decision you make contributes a piece to the art of your existence. Search endlessly to find who you are, and your masterpiece will be filled with longing, existential angst, wandering, and aimlessness. Decide to create a better you, to design yourself around your desires, priorities, beliefs, and giftings, and you will see the masterpiece that is meant to be. Complete the exercise below and you will know who you are so you can decide who you want to be and what your life will say.

By choosing to act in alignment with your core self and follow what path you have chosen, you are already making changes. You may not be who you will become, but you are not who you once were. So who are you becoming today? If you find your identity in others, your self-esteem and sense of worth will be dependent on their choices and leadings. If instead you recognize that you are an original, then act like it.

To construct a masterpiece work of art, there are defining lines and shadows. Without the contrast, the beauty and starkness of the image is lost. Contrast allows for the vivid colors to stand out as beautiful as the designer intended. Dark shadows, like hard times, can color a portion of our journey. Will you allow your dark shadows to define you, or will you rise above and make the statement you were intended to contribute to the world? You have a vivid, brilliant image to create, so do not get stuck filling your canvas with shadows and miss the masterpiece waiting to emerge from them. Decide today to move beyond your circumstances.

The other day my 15-month-old baby was walking and fell by our brick fireplace. She split her lip and it was bleeding. I think her tears hurt me more than her, because I rushed to comfort her and tell her it would be okay. As I held her, I reassured her that it would be “all better” soon. Suddenly she jumped up as if everything was fine, and took off running past the fireplace to play. I remember thinking, why can’t we do that in life? Get comfort, take courage, then try again. Instead, we are often like my in-law’s dog was around pools. Once as a younger puppy she had fallen into the pool during winter, and the cold water scared her (she was immediately rescued). For the rest of her years, she was hesitant around the pool, and refused to even consider getting in again. How do you handle life? Do you structure your identity around hurts or blows, or do you move on despite your past? You are not defined by what happens to you, but by how you respond to the happenings of life.

If your life were an open book, would people care to read it? Does your belief system sway with the wind? Are you manipulated by motivational speeches from fast-talkers with empty, shallow promises that do not deliver (but often cost you money)? Do you think your identity depends solely on your career or other accolades? Does your life’s journey need a compass and a map, or do you know where you are and where you are headed? Are you confident in who you are? Here is how to determine your identity:

This exercise requires you to be honest. If you are answering what others want to hear, you will not be seeing yourself, but a superficial image you project. Be real with yourself as you do this and you will discover the richness of your existence! It is that simple, but it is not easy. It requires the courage to be honest, and recognize you will find areas for change. Get out a paper and writing implement, and be ready to write (a computer will do, but writing by hand can trigger more creativity).

1. Beliefs: What are your beliefs? Begin writing down the first thing that you think about, and continue to write on each of these belief system components until you feel your answer is complete (or force yourself to stop at 5 minutes for this first round, and to address each part with at least a few sentences). Think about what drives your moral compass, brings you strength, what values contribute to your sense of worth and your life philosophy. Here are the three components:

beliefs about God and your spiritual life
beliefs about yourself: what messages you send mentally, physically, and emotionally
beliefs about life: how you fit into the world (your purpose), attitude, outlook, and what character traits you value

2. Personality: What traits are contained in your unique and special personality? Take 5 minutes to find and record descriptive words about yours. I have included a handy way to answer this in less than 5 minutes. God designed us all differently. Can you imagine if everyone wanted to be in charge of little details, and there were no people to see the big picture? What if everyone was a great listener, but nobody could think of anything to say? Your personality is filled with a unique combination of traits that can be used for bettering yourself and others, or for tearing yourself and others down. A person gifted in organization, for example, can choose to be domineering and manipulative, or can choose to better others with encouragement as they see the big picture and help complete projects.

Knowing your personality and giftings can help you understand areas for change, and can help you feel proud of who God made you to be. If you have never taken a personality profile test, they can be fun to try, so why not do one now? Remember, be honest. Here is a link to one I found via a google search. It is free, easy to do, and gives quick results (it took me about two minutes to answer). Give it a try! When you return, I will share my results with you too (and we will get to the most important part of this exercise!). If anyone would like to suggest another test, I am happy to review it and add it to this list (there are also excellent personality profiles tests in print). http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Are you back? What did you find out? Do you see yourself described in the results? You may only identify with part of the description, or you may feel you are more of a combination of two descriptions. If you are puzzled by the results, did you answer the questions honestly, or did you answer as you thought you should (rather than how you really feel)? Select the words that best describe your personality and write them down.

If anyone is curious, I scored as INFJ, and I especially liked the description by Butt and Hess (linked on the results page). It is amazing when you see parts of you described! Now, while some personality-types are eager to analyze and assess their strengths and qualities, there are other personalities that see it as a waste of time, or that hate to be labeled and “put into a box”. I suspect if that is you, you skipped the test and continued to read- am I right? No problem, you have only proven my point. People have different personalities, and this diversity is what makes life interesting.

3. Actions: Take 5 minutes to list how this identity manifests itself in actions by recording your:

priorities, interests, hobbies, talents, and giftings
influence and initiative
coping skills/ how you manage adversity
accomplishments and goals
relationships

The most important finishing touch on your identity will use up the last 5 minutes: now that you have figured out who you are, create who you want to be by making changes immediately. Look at the results. Your beliefs, your personality, and your resulting actions all merge together as pieces of your puzzle. This is how you perceive yourself, which in turn, determines how you portray yourself. Consider what you wrote that is negative. Are your messages about yourself, for example, truly who you are, or are they a product of allowing external circumstances or events to darken your internal perception? One quick way to do this is to mark those you can change with a star (or colored pen), and those you cannot change with a different symbol or color. The ones you can change are often accurate, and the ones you cannot change are often negative messages you have internalized that are not who you truly are. Do not believe lies propagated on you because of trauma or hardship. See who you really want to be, and become that person today.

Now comes the most important step: take the negative messages you can change and re-write them as positive. Instead of writing you are a “victim”, be a “survivor”. Change “miserable alcoholic” to “recovering alcoholic with one day of triumphant sobriety”. Rather than “hot-tempered”, be a “person of strong convictions who no longer takes out anger on others or yourself”. Instead of “a failure in business”, be a “successful entrepreneur, with some failed startups that are teaching you as you improve your business plan”. Change “lonely and alone” to someone “determined to face fear, meet new people, knowing you have a lot to contribute to a relationship” (pick a social group that aligns with your beliefs and get involved today). Instead of “stupid” (a message you tell yourself because of others’ opinion, perhaps?), say “I may not have the best grades, but if they gave out grades I would get an A+ in ____”. Instead of “I’m ugly”, record what is beautiful about you.

This is an initial picture of you. To go deeper, repeat this exercise. Do this process again and again until you feel proud of your big picture. In an instant, with determination to change, you have changed yourself. “As a man thinketh, so is he” Proverbs 23:7. Change your perception and your reality changes. Tell yourself you are hopeless and you feel hopeless. Tell yourself you can do it, and you will. Be optimistic! Phil. 4:8-9. God says to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2, so figure out what messages are in your mind through this exercise, and change the negative thoughts to positive today.

You may leave your results in sentence or list form, rewrite it into a poem, create a collage of words (like a tag cloud of your life) or images to represent you, or even create an audio or video recording as a keepsake for loved ones to cherish. Be proud of who you are, and if you are not, then become who you can be proud of, and do it today.

I am a fighter. I have made it through significant trauma in childhood, I have overcome a life-threatening eating disorder, and I have changed how I perceive the world and myself to live confident in who I am and why I am here. My canvas is covered with beautiful vibrant colors, and an emerging pattern that I can only describe as uniquely me. The shadows and lines give it focus as accents (but do not dominate the image), and I am better for them. I welcome each new stroke whether dark or light, as I face the world from my life philosophy. I know God is my guiding compass, and the Bible is my map. In knowing who I am, I also know what I need to change, and I keep my eye on the prize. I strive to be more like God everyday, helping others when opportunities arise, and staying sure in God’s love for me so I have love to give. What about you? Are you confident in who you are? Get to know yourself again, and find ways to become a better you.

Patricia

Posted in a higher power, attitude, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 11 Comments »

Car Accidents: Will You Make It Home Today?

Thursday, October 12th, 2006

I just had a brush with death. I almost did not make it home tonight. Out of nowhere, a car ran a red light and sped my way. Luckily, another SUV was beside me and stopped first, alerting me to danger (since the speeding car was out of my line of sight). I hit the brakes quickly, relieved my 4-year-old daughter in the backseat was okay. We were inches away from death. Shaken and relieved, I said a quick prayer. God must be trying to tell me something today, and I am better for it.

I am generally a safe driver, and near-misses do not occur very often at all. Today I have had three of them. I considered these questions: am I extremely distracted for some reason? Am I being careless? Could I have prevented them? I am definitely neither careless nor distracted today, and while I am certainly not perfect, today I did not contribute to the events in question. So now that I realize the sequence of strange happenings on this day, I consider them. I believe coincidence is an excuse to dismiss occurrences we do not understand. When mysterious events transpire, it is often God’s way of getting our attention. And I am listening.

My soul is stirred within, restless to discover the message. What are You telling me tonight, God?

Immediately after the third (and worst) “almost” car accident, I remembered a real accident where as a teenager I stopped in time to avoid a speeding car killing our passengers, but still crashed. I was driving to church on a Sunday morning (ironically), and it was a lesson in how fragile life really is (one every teenager needs to realize).

Tonight as I arrived home, I hugged my husband, my 5-year-old son, and my 14-month-old baby. I had only been gone an hour, but it seemed like eternity. My baby had been crying for me, walking around the house saying “mama”, and finally cried herself to sleep in my husband’s arms. Now I held her, and said “don’t you know that mommy always comes back?” My husband replied “except almost not tonight.” I closed my eyes and said a thankful prayer. He was right.

It happens everyday. People do not make it home. But more people make it home everyday than do not. If we focus on what tragedy might happen, we are stuck in negativity and frozen in fear. If we take these reminders as blessings, we squeeze more out of every minute and taste how good life can really be. You only live once, you only have this moment, so make it the best moment possible. This is not an excuse to fail to plan. To succeed, you must use this moment to propel you towards your future achievements, while simultaneously enjoying the journey of your life’s travels. Enjoy life as if this were your last minute, and as if you had an infinite supply of last minutes.

I love being with my children, and we joke that our littlest one is an extension of my hip since she loves to be held or carried. I am always glad she is there, but I take it for granted. Tonight when I arrived home, holding my baby was as amazing as it was when she was first born, struggling for her very breath as we prayed for her survival. My husband says she is a fighter: had to fight to come into the world, and will fight her way through it. I am grateful for every moment I get to watch of her life as she overcomes every obstacle.

“Carpe diem” (from a Latin poem by Horace, meaning “seize the day”). “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may” (from poet Robert Herrick). I think the most profound lesson God is teaching me right now is to try what I am not trying, to seize the day in new ways. I can think of three specifics to begin tomorrow, and I wonder what else will come to mind as I keep myself open to new possibilities. What about you? Are there ways for you to make more out of your minutes? Remember life is precious, so live it.

Patricia

Posted in a higher power, change, christianity, conquering fear, courageous living, family, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Waiting on a Biopsy: How to Handle Uncertainty

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

Have you ever had to wait on a biopsy, or some medical test that carried potentially devastating news? I had two areas of my skin biopsied today, and now I must take my own advice and manage the stress of uncertainty. I thought it would be timely and healing for me to write about how I deal with uncertainty, especially while waiting to hear whether I have some form of cancer. As a wife and mother of three young children, my first reaction is fear. My natural instinct wants to give in to my old habit of worrying about what might be. I have learned, however, that life is better when I ride with the waves rather than swim against the current. So I choose to float along, keep my head above water, and wait out the storm. And I find I am remarkably at peace.

I have enjoyed my day: the sun on my face, the warmth of my husband’s touch, and the laughter of my children. Despite the physical pain of the biopsy and the emotional pain of uncertainty, I am in great spirits and excited to see what tomorrow brings. How is this possible? I discovered the way to be free of anxiety over what could be, and truly experience what is for now. I discovered intentional focus.

Rather than allowing my thoughts to wander, I direct them. While I used to constantly entertain visions of what if, I now only deal with what is. When you have to wait for answers to big questions, be careful not to act out the pain of uncertainty in destructive ways, or allow the fear to paralyze you. You may not be able to control the circumstance (such as why, in a major city with modern medicine, you are asked to wait up to a week for a simple lab result), but you can control your response to the situation (are you going to look back on the week and see a wasted part of your life?). I choose to experience the best of life this week.

To enjoy the best life has to offer is to be in the moment. Life has unyielding demands trying desperately to draw our attention away from each moment, and to be happy is to resist distraction from the moment. With determination I compartmentalize my stress and focus on life’s blessings. Here is how to deal with uncertainty in the waiting.

Express what you are feeling. Find a friend to talk with and share your news, your waiting story. It helps to have someone listen to you. Let them experience it with you, cry together, give you encouragement in the waiting, and pray for you to have peace over what you cannot control. Get a hug when you need it. Go out to a movie and have a good cry- a little displaced emotions can be refreshing during stressful times (if it is done in balance). Exercise and release some of the adrenaline (again, in moderation).

You may find it helps you focus and express it if you journal. While you may have an online blog or journal method, writing by hand engages both sides of your brain, the logical and the emotional. I recommend you first write by hand, to help you feel as you write. I notice this helps me as I write these articles, because I engage more with what I say, experience the emotions as I write, and feel a better me for having been there. Writing is healing. I find myself pouring extra attention to future articles for this site, and the writing is cathartic. Writing in a journal or an online blog can be healing, and writing to benefit others can be truly satisfying.

Focus on the needs of others. There is no substitute for the feeling of helping others, sharing from your own experiences, and knowing you are fulfilling God’s purpose for your life. At times of uncertainty and fear, this is a great distraction tool. Find a way to help someone. What you do can be big or small, as long as it is meaningful and thoughtful. Acts of kindness help refocus your attention off your own problems and onto the needs of others. In doing for others what you are able, you may learn new aspects of who you are, and you may stumble upon new ways to feel fulfilled.

Be productive. I used to react to fear and uncertainty in a destructive manner. Now, I turn the adrenaline and energy it brings into something productive. I notice during times of uncertainty I often get deep cleaning done. This week my closets and drawers are going to look wonderful, especially after a visit to The Container Store for organizing supplies. When stressed in the waiting, I will often find new and creative ways to have fun with my children, desire to be more spontaneous with my husband, and I will get more done on projects I am working on. When my mind wanders, I get busy. Do what you can for others and for yourself. Remember that no one knows how long life will be, and every moment counts- so do something great with the moments you have. You can always find something to worry about, trust me, I used to be an expert at worry. If you allow worry to overtake you, you will look back on your life with regret over what might have been, if you had only appreciated and focused the moments you had. Live so you will have no regrets. Live the life you want tomorrow, today.

Finally, sort it out. To ignore the “what ifs” of life, you need to focus only on what is. Only deal with what you know. I happen to be quite educated, knowing a bit of most subjects, so what little I know about a topic can do more harm than good. For me to sort it out, I need to know more. Knowledge is power, but sometimes partial facts are worse than no facts at all. Internet browsing has helped me deal in what is. I have discovered what it cannot be, and I have an understanding of what it could be. When the doctor calls, I will have a greater appreciation and gratitude for what it is not, or if the news is negative, I will understand the results and the technical terminology necessary to investigate further.

I need to emphasize that for most people, research in the waiting will make it worse. Know yourself. Weigh the concern derived from what you know about the problem against the fear investigating what it might be could bring. Without facts, there are too many possibilities that can detract from you enjoying your moments. There is also misinformation rampant on the internet, and you need to sort out what you are reading, check its source, and weigh it against medical experts. During emotional crisis, this is often too difficult, and people succumb to worry over confusion and possibilities. If it would do more harm than good for you to research, as many doctors suggest, just tell yourself that you will write down whatever medical terminology is uttered when you get the results, and leave the investigation until then.

One year ago I went through my first biopsy, and after the waiting was over, and I discovered it was not cancer, I realized I had accotwice as much as I would have otherwise. I learned I could do better, be more productive with my time everyday, not just during the uncertain times. I wonder what I will learn this week? I look forward to the lesson, as I wait for the storm to subside. Thank you for going along for the ride.

Patricia

update: My results show no cancer, and I am grateful.  I continue to pray for my many family and friends who fight courageously to defeat their cancers, and for you, if this is your fight too.

Posted in attitude, balance, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success | 7 Comments »