A Better You Blog

Is loneliness robbing you of your joy, draining you of energy and enthusiasm, or sending you to despair? Fight your way back to confidence and contentment. It is not easy, but you can do it. To overcome loneliness takes courage. You must take risks and hold on to hope with determination to disperse the fog that has settled and clear the way to a better you. There is no instant fix. It requires deliberate intention to step out of the mist. It is a process, but there is always a way out. On the other side of loneliness comes deep satisfaction, a feeling of peace and belonging that fills every hollow part and fuels you with great joy.

Feeling lonely is a common emotion. What defines you is how you respond to it. Loneliness is forced solitude, isolation, or distance. It is the felt loss of a severed intimate bond, or the feeling of having no one to share in your daily experiences. Loneliness occurs from the traumatic death of a loved one. It arises out of a separation from the familiar with a move to a new city, a new job, or a new circle of friends. It seeps in when expectations are not met in relationships, such as after a marriage or the birth of a child. Solitude can be a peaceful and satisfying part of healthy living, but when forced upon someone this isolation can quickly turn into loneliness. This is why long durations of solitary confinement results in a form of torture. Even individuals surrounded by others can still feel lonely. No matter the cause of your darkness, you can triumph through it.

Holidays are a common time of loneliness for people. I remember the first year I found myself alone. After a life of warm family celebrations, I suddenly had no place to go. There was a cloud of numbing sadness over me for a while. I prayed for strength, volunteered to serve meals to the homeless to keep busy, and joined in the celebrations of others whenever possible. But I was lonely. The forced separation from what was familiar, traditional, and special to me, was very painful. It hurt to feel the isolation from what once was. But that is how life is. And the pain cannot just be ignored. It is a wound that needs dressing, so treat it. I do not believe in self-pity, nor wallowing in feelings of hopelessness. I do believe in facing what you feel, expressing it for true healing, and refusing to allow your pain to impede your progress.

If you look down at the pit you are in, then the pit is all you will see. If you look up to see a way out, then you can reach for the sky and muster the strength to climb out. When I reflect on holidays of long ago and the people who are missed, the loss of what was will always be. But the sadness that used to overwhelm the celebration now ceases to rob me of my joy. I am excited about the happiness in my children as they experience the lights and surprises of the season, and the warmth of the family and friends that my husband and I now embrace together. Life changes, and while the past may be missed, over time, and with intentional effort and focus, your future will live up to its potential. Here are 4 steps to get the most out of life and beat loneliness.

1. Recognize why you are lonely. To some this will be obvious. A tragic death, a violent trauma, a divorce, a change in environment. For others it may not be as evident, or there may be multiple contributors to your strife. Are you allowing the loneliness forced upon you to fester and grow into a deep chasm of isolation? Have you allowed the blows of life to lessen your self image? Insecurity can undermine your connections to others and intensify loneliness. Are you isolating further out of bitterness, anger, or resentment? Unforgiveness can stew deep inside and prevent you from moving on with healthy relationships (notice I said healthy relationships, because forgiveness does not mean to put yourself in danger again, if that is your situation).

Has your loneliness been prolonged? Maybe you experienced a sudden tragedy a while ago, but have not been able to move through any part of the pain. Does it still feel as though it just occurred? There is hope. Loneliness is often caused by a feeling that no one understands you, and that you are left to experience life alone. No matter your loss or circumstances, you are never alone. “…God … comforts the downcast…” 2 Corinthians 7:6 (NIV). I will always remember the way God refueled me in my quiet times, as I gathered strength to beat the loneliness, and grew to love my solitude. While no one will ever experience your same pain exactly, those who deal with life authentically and overcome tragedy with triumph know what it is like to move past debilitating pain and into a new excitement for living. These friends can help you too. Are you numbing out to fill the gap? You are not meant to stay stuck. Overcome the loneliness of your pain and replace it with an inner fulfillment and contentment.

2. Learn the effects of your loneliness. Identify any unhealthy ways you try to fill the emptiness and get determined to beat it. Some effects of loneliness include addictions, social withdrawal, and neglecting basic needs (eating, sleeping, exercise). Feeling self-conscious, angry, defensive, or having a critical attitude, feeling disconnected, reluctant to try new things, depression, and thoughts of suicide. There are even studies which show that loneliness contributes to higher blood pressure and greater risks of heart disease. Loneliness internalizes the stress of a painful change, and allows it to squash your once positive outlook. If you give in to despair, you give up. Fight. Beat loneliness. Do it today.

3. Replace the negative mindset. Target key perceptions, beliefs, and attitudes that are trapping you into the pit of loneliness, and replace them. Do you believe that you are not allowed to re-connect to the world without dishonoring the past? Are you afraid to take risks at intimacy because you might experience loss or rejection again? Is your attitude negative, critical, or self-defeating? Attitude is amazing. It can steer you towards success or veer you off your course. Each negative belief you replace is a rung on the ladder that will reach you and allow you to climb out of the pit and onto open air. Does the thought that life will never be the same send you into despair? Guess what, you are right, it will never be the same. That thought can either depress you, or propel you to action to create a better life. Life is full of wonderful opportunities and relationships waiting for you. Be determined to make the most of the moments you have now.

Work towards the point where you can embrace both the pleasure and sorrow of life as part of your time here. The pain does not just disappear, but it does not have to define you. Imagine if you were to suddenly die today. Who is closest to you, someone you love deeply? What if they were sent into the deepest despair and became smothered in sorrow? What would you tell them if given the chance? You would probably say to think of you fondly, remember the good times, and seize life. You would wish the best for them, and want your most beloved to live and love again. Can you do this for yourself?

Take risks. Life is worth it. Know that you have something to contribute to others; you do not need to be alone. At the same time, work to be content in solitude, and to embrace it. Do not allow your unmet need for intimacy to drive you to desperate choices. Your deepest hole will never be filled by another. You must be filled first in order to contribute to a healthy relationship. I grew up sharing a room, but at the end of college and before I got married, I lived alone for 6 years. This was after I had stopped my eating disordered behavior, so I had to experience the joys and the pains of life in a real way rather than numbing out from it. And I did it living alone, starting a new business, and moving to a new state.

I knew true solitude. I enjoyed the freedom it brought, the opportunity to learn more about myself each day, and the time I took in the quietness to get to know God better. But I also remember the eerie silence on cold winter nights, the emptiness of separation from everyday companionship, and the hollow numbness of being cut off from what used to be. I started out in loneliness, but I fought my way through it and emerged content and at peace with myself. I determined that I would not enter into a relationship out of a desperate need for intimacy, but that I would seek after exactly the person I knew God designed for me. I knew that I needed healing, and I purposed to use my times of loneliness to become better, healthier, and more confident in my identity. I realized that in order to truly love another, I needed first to learn how to love myself. God inspired me to take a chance and trust Him that I could make it, and I did.

4. Take action (for others and for yourself). Imagine your life 5 years from now. Can you see happiness, contentment, and fulfillment? Are your actions today driving you towards meeting your deepest needs of intimacy? Set goals and dream your dreams. Volunteer using your giftings and abilities. Help others who need help. This gets your focus off yourself and helps you gain perspective. Remember that everyone needs to beat loneliness at some point. Connect to a new group, or re-connect where you have been isolating. Join a church or other social group and get involved.

Spend quiet time with God, and learn to listen in the silence. Are you content with who you are and where you are headed? Create a better you today. Manage stress in a healthy way (journal, talk with friends, cry it out, work on a memorial project, etc.). Learn more about who you are to grow more confident in what you have to offer the world. God plans to do incredible things through you if you are willing. Read material and listen to what will encourage you in a healthy and positive outlook. Get a pet. When I lived alone I had a cat that met me at my door when I arrived, happy to see me. This “pet therapy” is often suggested to help beat loneliness.

Are you feeling neglected in your marriage? I know I used to expect my husband to know when something was bothering me, and I was hurt when he did not ask me about it. Now after over 9 years of marriage, I finally understand he cannot read my mind, and I create my own lonely moments if I expect him to do so. He is a great friend, when I give him the chance to be.

Are you feeling lonely because your relationship has changed due to the birth of a child? Take action and fix it. Open communication is crucial for a healthy marriage, so express your need to your spouse. Busy parents still need to make time to connect with each other. When was the last time you had a conversation about something other than your children?

Write a letter to yourself explaining the depths of your loneliness and your fears of conquering it. Or at the very least, write down one sentence of what makes you the loneliest. Then seal it, and hide it away. Set a date for 6 months from now, make a small notation on your calendar, and open it then. This is an exercise that can inspire you as you see how God leads you out of loneliness, how your circumstances change, and your perception changes as you go on your journey.

You can overcome loneliness. It is just a fog settled for a time, that you can meander through and beyond. Decide to take action, change your attitude, and take risks today.