Archive for February, 2007

5 Steps to Overcome Fear of Failure

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Fear invades like a sudden fog, limiting your view and clouding your reasoning. When you are caught disoriented, can you find your way out? Does fear paralyze you into retreat, or do you know the way to push on? Fear of failure affects everyone. When you recognize it in your own life, you can take these 5 steps to see above it, get through it, and achieve your goals.

 

1. Identify it. What is it you are most afraid of? Are you worried your business may fail? Are you scared you will never find a special someone, or you will lose your loved one? Do you have personal worries that occupy your thoughts? Where in your life is fear of failure diverting your focus and preventing your success? Pray, think, and listen. Let God show you the fear, and then discover how to be free.

Fear of failure may look like:

Procrastination. Do you wait until the last minute, so your perfectionist self will have an excuse if you do fail? In doing so, you create the failure you hope to avoid.

Inaction. Are your insecurities or uncertainties overwhelming you? Do you allow fear to paralyze you, and miss great opportunities? Fear of success is really fear of failing if you succeed.

Over-reaction. Are you angry, defensive, or acting aggressive? If you are afraid of failure, you might notice your reactions seem harsher than situations merit. Is your fear causing you to react instead of respond to life?

Addiction. Do you manage your stress with self-destructive habits? Are you numbing your fear because you feel helpless to overcome it?

 

2. Evaluate it. If you stand on unstable ground at the edge of a cliff, fear sends adrenaline through your body and alerts you to danger. You can use that fear to step back to firm ground, or you can ignore it and fall. All the positive thinking in the world will not keep you from falling once your foot slips. Before you use these 5 steps to push on, be sure you should. Fear is your body’s warning siren, and it can go off even when it does not need to sound. Is God using fear to warn you that your choice is harmful, or do you need to press on despite the fear, and triumph through it towards your goals? Life lessons can make you too cautious, and the fear of risk may lead you to miss many wonderful opportunities. Life needs balance. If you determine you need to get past the fear, you can do it!

In order to focus on the positive and press on through the fear, you must first understand it. What is the worst that can happen? Write down exactly what it will mean if you fail. Then look at your answer, and get more specific. If you think the world will end, what do you mean by this? Will you lose your house, your family, your health, or your life? Will you lose your reputation, or create an undesired one? Are you afraid failure will confirm all the negative thoughts you believe about yourself? Are you thinking that by failing, you become a failure? Figure out the messages and warnings your fear sends you.

 

3. Re-interpret it. Once you know the messages fear sends, create positive messages to replace them. You may fail, but each failure brings you closer to success. Your identity is not dependent on your failures. You are what you decide to be. Face your fear and be a success. Get support from other who will encourage you, but be your own best cheerleader.

Fear is your friend. If it warns you of decisions that do not fit with your life purpose, it helps you live without regret as you change course. If fear tries to cloud your way and you must forge through to succeed, it gives you opportunity to improve, get past your past, and become a better person. The secret to living free from negative effects of fear is to embrace it.

When I first started my own business, I was in a new state, and had no business contacts. I portrayed confidence to other professionals, but inside, I was worried. I made a choice from the start to let God take over the fear. I knew I had made the right choice to move, that I had a sound business plan, and that I had the ability and drive to succeed. I gave up worrying about the rest that I could not control. In reality this meant living on credit cards for the first few months, while I built up my client list. As I earned a reputation for my skill and professionalism, however, my business grew quickly, and I soon had to turn down work. Fear could have kept me from going out and offering my services if I let it. If others had seen a lack of confidence in my ability, they might have felt a lack of confidence in me as well. I chose to attract a positive response with positive thoughts, and to work at it with all my effort. I fought and won.

 

4. Disable it. Your past influences perception of your present. Like looking through a magnifying glass, danger can appear greater than it is when you exaggerate it because you are still trapped in the fear from your past. Take the insecurity or hurt of your past and fight to remove its strength. Trauma, loss, and painful circumstances all contribute to your view on reality. Even little events can lead to unconscious behavior in your present. As you discover ways fear is magnified disproportionately in your life, bring it back into proper perspective.

As a child I stepped barefoot into a pile of red ants. I still remember the pain that seemed to last forever, and the sadness at missing out on all the camping fun for the day as I nursed my foot. When I later had my own children, I found myself constantly looking for ants, and worried about where I stepped on every inch of the driveway. It was ridiculous, but I was not even aware I was doing it, until I noticed one of my children looking for ants. I suddenly stopped. They did too. I made a conscious choice to change this fear and remind myself that the rare experience I had is not easily repeated. Now, as I play with my children outside, we just have fun. If we spot a group of ants, we avoid them, but it is the last thing on our minds. Life is too short. Fear is not worth it. It has now lost its power.

 

5. Use it. What have you lost by letting fear confuse your way? Take the anger or frustration over your reactions and force it to motivate you to succeed in your future. Are you afraid to dream because of what obstacles you might face? Conquer fear and accomplish the amazing things only you can do. Start today.

Posted in attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 24 Comments »

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

SWOT Your Life To Success

Thursday, February 8th, 2007

What keeps you from the life you dream to live? What is it that could undermine your success and how are you defending against it? Do you seize every opportunity or live in regret? Are you fixed on your goals and headed on the right path? A SWOT analysis is used in business around the world. Now apply it to your life. See one in action, and then do this quick 15 minute exercise. You can identify any obstacles and leave with an effective plan to change your life and create a better you.

SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. The SWOT analysis started at Stanford University by Albert Humphrey, and is a strategic planning tool for corporations to evaluate and create a plan of action for success. It is effective in determining what stands in the way of achieving your goals. What stands in your way?

The first step is to have an objective in mind. What is your goal? Who are you and what is your life’s purpose? Take this sense of identity and confidence in yourself and then figure out your SWOT. It helps to write it all down on paper, or type it in the computer, so you can go back to it later. As an example, I will do my own life right now:

Objective: To fulfill my life’s purpose with my God-given abilities, and to make a positive difference in the world as I find opportunities. I want to keep my wonderful marriage healthy, to show my children unconditional love and raise them with a great foundation for success, to finish my dissertation this summer, to grow as a writer and take risks, and to continue to write what I want my children to know and to someday pass on to their children. I want to keep encouraging and motivating others with fresh ideas, and to keep setting new goals. I want to never lose my passion for life and for God. I want to enjoy every moment of life that I have, and to make choices that will keep me from living with regret. This for me is success, and I determine to succeed.

Strengths. I am confident in who I am, I live a healthy and active lifestyle, I eat right and exercise, I balance work and family pretty well (did somebody say sleep?), I am excited about life, I am good at calculus (not that I’ve used it since school), I am moved by amazing talent in others (musical, artistic, …), I have a positive and constructive thought-life (one I worked hard to cultivate), and I am a good friend.  Where I used to let hurt build up inside me, I have learned to get through and beyond the painful parts of life, and find ways it makes me stronger.

A SWOT analysis asks you how you use your strengths. Use them to create opportunities and achieve goals. After you list them, see if there are any new ways you could use your strengths.

Weaknesses. I am a reformed perfectionist who always had trouble saying no. I once said yes to organizing a banquet at church. I had no idea what I was doing. I quickly learned how to delegate, but I am lucky there were others (willing to work for free too) who knew what type of food to serve, how much to purchase for the large crowd, when to cook what, and all the decoration details that I never would have considered. It turned out great- thanks to their skill, not mine. I cringe when I think of what could have happened if those great people were not willing to step in and save me. Now I am the first one to encourage someone else to shine as the “organizer” in any catering capacity and I follow their lead when I help.

I still have to work at accepting the final product of an effort, but I meter this against my priorities and remind myself that I can make revisions or improvements later. I think my perfectionism was really a masked fear of criticism, and I now accept constructive feedback as opportunity to improve, and reject negative or irrelevant insults as someone else’s problem. I used to allow negative thoughts into my life. If you think that way, you go that way. I allow them no more. I will always be true to myself and to my promise to God to live healthy and with courage.

A SWOT analysis asks how to stop each weakness. Applied to life, figure out how to either stop or handle each weakness. I see weaknesses as the defining strokes on life’s masterpiece. They provide contrast to allow the strengths to shine, but must be deliberately controlled and worked so they do not take over the picture. I am not an artist (I am amazed by those who draw or paint) and when I try to draw an image it ends up looking nothing like what I saw. My lines take over and the picture never shows through. Luckily, in life, we are all artists.

I am determined to face my weaknesses with courage, and shape them into place so they highlight my life’s image.  I will not be defined by my weaknesses.  I appreciate the ways they remind me to draw strength from God, and encourage me to refresh and renew myself with regular quiet time. Learn to say no when you must, but do not let a weakness prevent you from achieving your goals. Do you make excuses for inaction? Stop today, and start a new course of action.

Opportunities. After my first child was born, I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to earn my Ph.D. He looked at me and said to go for it. I did. I knew the opportunity was there, and I would regret it if I let it pass by. I was not sure how to put my kids first and still do my best in classes, but that was my focus, and it worked out. I am so glad I took a chance. I am a wife, a mother, and a friend. I want to know my husband more every day as we grow together. I want to play with my children and let them see life is full of possibilities. I want to finish my degree on schedule. I want to keep writing. This blog is a tremendous opportunity for me to encourage others and feel I have given a part of myself to the world. No matter how tired or busy I am, my priorities are opportunities I will not miss.

A SWOT analysis includes listing your opportunities and exploiting or taking advantage of every chance. Are you doing this in your life?

Threats. There are internal and external threats to life. Externally I am safe, sheltered, and healthy. When I was single, I determined the qualities I looked for in a man, the qualities that would be nice to find, and the qualities I refused to be around. My desire for companionship would not overwhelm my decision to live a healthy life. I knew in time I would meet the right person, and I did. I am so grateful for all the time I had alone, where I learned I could do anything as my own person, and I am now happy to contribute this confidence in our marriage partnership. The biggest threat now for me is if I ever stopped managing stress and living to be happy, healthy, successful, and free. I will never turn from God or my purpose. If I am upset, I deal with it. If I need rest, I force myself to put my feet up. If I need strength, I find it. I conquer the threat before it can threaten me.

A SWOT analysis defends against or destroys any threat. Find your biggest threats and eliminate or conquer them before your avoidance gives them strength. You can do it!

Take your own SWOT analysis and list what strategies you need to implement today. Do you need to call someone for accountability? Do you need to take action on a plan you have put off? Are there things you can do right now? Do them, and create a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 11 Comments »

Your Secret To Positive Thinking

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

People are talking about it. It is on the news, in documentaries, on the radio, and in person. As the awareness spreads, more people are taking charge of life, and talking about positive thinking. As the world wakes up from self-pity and despair, it recognizes the power of the mind to impact the future. There are classic books to inspire you (such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking), and modern works that hightlight speakers who tell the world how to effect change (such as the Law of Attraction movie and book The Secret). I get excited anytime people want to talk about creating a better life. It fits exactly with the theme of A Better You Blog.

The Law of Attraction goes along with this approach to life: whatever you think about will happen. My view on the Law of Attraction can be seen in my article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I believe you do attract most of what you experience, but that life happens in balance, and there are ways to apply any theory to the extreme. While I agree positive thinking creates and attracts positive outcomes, God also gave people free will. The choice to do good or to do harm to others impacts everyone. Some find it comforting to believe in a false security that everything can be controlled, but the unexpected does happen. It is what you do next that determines your level of success.

Seize the rewards you attract with confidence and overcome both the difficulties that you attract and those few that come despite your best efforts. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You hurt, you heal, you move on, and you triumph over adversity and into greatness. Do not allow the 1% you cannot control to dominate the other 99% of your life, but focus on the 99% you can control, attract the success you desire, and create a better you. You can dream your way to the life you want: believe your goals are within your grasp, and work hard to create amazing success.

God has a unique plan for you. How do positive thoughts help you achieve your life’s purpose? Dream, imagine, and achieve. Do it today!

Inspire others with your own positive thoughts in the comments section with one or all of these:

Share a quote that motivates you or is meaningful (and who said it).
Tell how positive thinking changed your life (in big or small ways).
Cite your favorite motivating books- what do you read that stirs your soul to action?

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 14 Comments »