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Make the Most of Every Moment: Lessons from the Terminal Illness That Wasn’t

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

Ginny wept as I held her. “It’s not fair!” she cried, “Why me?” The pain surged through her body, and she cringed as she moved her aching muscles. After a few minutes of tears, she drew a deep breath, and looked me in the eyes. “I’ll be okay, you’ll see.” She stood up, drew her shoulders back with confidence, and smiled again. “I just needed to get that out. I’m ready to fight again.” She took her dose of ten pills waiting for her on the counter, and we went back to doing our school work. She had no other choice if she wanted to live. She chose life, and faced it with optimism despite a greater burden than any twelve-year-old should have to endure.

She showed this attitude of determination to everyone she met. The doctors were amazed at her courage, and her family drew strength in her positive attitude. Sometimes, however, she needed a quiet place to cry, to be comforted, and to grieve the pain she endured. She was honest with herself, but positive about life. There was a time for everything, and I learned about living from her journey both through dying and beating death.

Ginny started out active and healthy, playing sports and enjoying the outdoors, but when her young body began growing tired quickly, the doctors had bad news: Ginny had an illness they called terminal. After years of fighting, however, she proved them wrong.

I met Ginny when I had to miss a considerable number of school days because of my own illness. Mine went away, and hers did not. We grew to be close friends spending days together in elementary school, and after I got better, we stayed friends. She had many month-long hospital stays in junior high and high school, and I spent countless long summer days at her hospital, hiding from nurses or playing with the elevators, just for something fun to do. We made the most of the time she had, because they said it would be short.

She was sick enough to receive a wish from the Make A Wish Foundation, an amazing organization dedicated to wishes of terminally ill children. I can count at least 5 times during our teen years that I rushed to her side to say goodbye, since it was certain she would not make it through the night. We prayed, knowing that God would be there to welcome her into heaven. Every time, she miraculously made it through.

After her teen years, as suddenly as the illness struck, it disappeared. The doctors were baffled. Her health is still not the best, she still sees symptoms occasionally, but she is proof the impossible is possible. She is now married and in her thirties, living every day for the time God gives her, while knowing more than most how much we take for granted.

Ginny taught me how to be honest with myself, and yet keep a positive attitude at the same time. There were many times she wanted to quit taking her medicine, and a few times she did. She thought maybe she could test if God healed her, or that by stopping the medicine, somehow the disease would go away. As her symptoms quickly worsened, she had to face the truth. She needed the medicine to survive, so she took it again. She cried it out, and then toughed it out. But she did not let this change her attitude. She met each day with a focus not on what she would miss, but what she could do. She found joy in little things and appreciated the beauty of the outdoors for those few times she could be in it.

I also learned about life from an adult friend who fought cancer with all her might, kept a great attitude, but left us quickly. I do not know why this happened to her, but I do know that her great attitude may have given her the extra days she had before going, and most certainly helped her get the most out of those final moments with her own children. She was a teacher, and I know she would cherish this quote: “Live each day as if it were your last, but learn each day as if you will live forever.” (author unknown, but Og Mandino originated the first part).

Both she and Ginny did the best to enjoy live, had a positive outlook, and lived more life in sickness than many people do in twice as many years of health.

Life is not always fair, but we can always live beyond just fair, and choose to make our days exceptional.

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (NIV, Bible).

The impossible is possible. Uncertainty is a part of life, but do not let it prevent you from living. Love, laugh, and dream. Live for today and create a better tomorrow.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, change, christianity, family, goals, motivation, parenting, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, work & career | 14 Comments »

7 Behaviors That Mess Up Communication: Are You Making A Good Impression?

Friday, April 6th, 2007

Have you ever felt puzzled by how others react to you? Do you want to improve communication in your family, your marriage, or other relationships? Are you wondering how to get along better with others at work? Here are 7 behaviors you can quickly change to smooth out differences and improve communication. Each of these behaviors sends the message that you are better than, more important than, or more valuable than the other person. When you do not want to act this way, are you doing it anyway? Show respect by changing your actions, and create some peace where there is strife.

 

1. Interrupting

I thought I was a great listener. I genuinely cared about others, and I could easily sit down and listen in support of friends who needed encouragement. In everyday conversation, however, my behavior sent a different message. I worked so hard to be sure my view was heard, that I talked first and listened later. I was constantly interrupting. After college, I committed to create a better me. I asked God to show me where to improve and to give me the courage to face it. The next day I began to notice the faces of others at the moment I cut them off, and I was stunned. I determined right then to stop interrupting, and it instantly helped improve friendly conversations.

While it only took a moment to decide my actions, it took longer to deal with my emotional reactions. Once I stopped the behavior, I learned I felt intense fear at not speaking up whenever I wanted to interject an opinion. I realized that I never felt my views were “heard” growing up, and I was afraid of being invisible now. I was allowing the pain of my past to influence my present. I refused to live afraid of the same experiences now, but instead determined to create a better life, starting with how I related to others. It was time to gather this unpacked baggage and unload it. I made a conscious effort to live in confidence in the present, knowing I had much to offer the world, as everyone does. As I gave it to God, the weight lifted off and set me free. Now, if I find myself unintentionally interrupting someone, I catch myself and apologize. When I value conversation with someone, I work hard to show it.

 

2. Assuming

Humorous though it is, we all know that the popular saying taken from the spelling of the word is true: to ASSUME really can make an *!@** out of U and ME. We make judgements about people, but when we believe that only our assumption can possibly be correct, we fall into this trap. Here is an example of how this messes up communication in relationships.

My husband and I are celebrating ten years of marriage this month. I am amazed at how fast the time has gone by, yet at the same time, I see how much closer we have grown through the years. We really do have a great marriage, but it did not just happen–we work at it. One of our greatest efforts is also one of our strengths: communication. When we first started our journey together, and a disagreement occurred, we both made a lot of assumptions. For example, if he said something that hurt my feelings, I eagerly waited for him to apologize. I assumed that if he really knew me, if he really cared, if he was paying enough attention to me, and if he really loved me, he would just magically know I was upset. Wrong! In relationships, one person often offends the other and has absolutely no idea what happened. Really.

I like to think that as an educated and confident professional, I would act more mature. When something bothered me, however, I would walk around the house pouting in silence, thinking surely he would realize my lack of energy and conversation and come ask what was wrong. My assumption created my own grief, as I ruined what could be a wonderful evening by stewing in frustration. At the same time, he enjoyed a peaceful evening, reading the paper, fixing something that needed to be fixed, and watching television. Finally, I had to find out how someone who loved me could ignore my emotional state for so long. I still remember the look on his face whenever this would happen- utter shock. He would either have no idea I was offended, or he thought it had gone away, and I was not mad anymore. If however, he did suspect something was wrong but did not know what, he preferred to hold to his assumption and ignore my clues, rather than risk a “long” discussion if there was a problem.

We needed to put aside our assumptions, and to get better at communicating. Over the years, we have both improved how we relate.

I have learned not to be so easily offended. Sometimes what I thought was an attack or criticism of me was only my own insecurity, and I learned to sort out the difference. I have also learned how to be more active in our relationship, and to clearly make my feelings known. I now know it is my responsibility to go beyond assumption, and to be sure he knows that something bothers me.

He has learned that for me, nothing ever just magically goes away. At the same time, he knows that sometimes, all it takes is a quick hug and meaningful look into my eyes to help me feel better. Other times, I need to hear words. We have learned how to smooth over differences with fewer words too, giving me enough time to feel we have “talked it out”, and yet not taking so much time that he feels “talked out”. We have learned how to resolve differences quickly but efficiently, a topic for another post. The starting point, however, is to go beyond assumptions.

In your relationships, talk about how you resolve conflict, before it happens. Instead of assuming, give yourself and others a better chance by finding out the truth. When you harbor resentment over assumptions, you create your own unhappiness.

 

3. Taking without Thanking

Telling others thank you tells a lot about your character. How many of us in our busy lives forget this? Think back to the last time you really appreciated something, and never remembered to tell the person thank you. You may have wanted to share your appreciation, but by never saying thanks, you showed ingratitude. I am great at giving thanks immediately after an act of kindness. I recognize others with words and a smile. Written thank you notes, however, are my weakness. Sometimes a verbal thank you is sufficient, but sometimes, etiquette suggests a more thoughtful written response is best. There are many times I think of sending a few words by mail, but it seems to be last on my list until it becomes too late to have any meaning. I have disappointed myself in the past, where I truly did not mean to send an ungrateful message, but I never followed through with an appropriate expression of thanks. I have worked harder this year in this area, and with this commitment, I have greatly improved. I am careful to keep these little notes in priority with other commitments to myself. Whenever I receive a written thank you note I am still humbled by the effort and thoughtfulness, and it means even more to me than others think.

 

4. Blaming Others

You are responsible for your own behavior. You are influenced by your pain, but it does not have to control your future. When you blame others, you give up control of your own life, and allow others to decide how you will feel day by day. This mentality creates tension in relationships as one person feels stuck and stressed over circumstances that trap them. Others only control your life when you let them. For a while I considered hiding in the “safety” of blaming others. I could live every day knowing any failure or trouble now and in my future is all the fault of those who caused me harm years ago. But I knew better, and I decided to fight the impulse to wallow in self-pity. I decided to live for today and take control of my future, with God’s help. You have greatness in you, waiting to contribute your unique skills to the world. Give God your heart and allow Him to fulfill your life’s purpose. It is up to you, and only you.

 

5. Offering Nothing

Are you giving your best? Are you working to offer your unique skill in your career, or do you just do the minimum? Do you offer the real you to those you let close, or are you guarding against intimacy by offering little to nothing of yourself? Be authentic. Be available. Be confident. When you just go along with others, never offer an opinion, and never share you tell others they are not worth it.

When the opportunity arises for you to participate in communication, and you do not offer your opinion, your talent, or whatever contribution you can make, you send a message. Either you say you are too important, too insecure, or you are unable to offer anything. You are a talented individual. If you do not know your strengths, discover them. If you are too scared to subject yourself to possible rejection, get strength from God to face life with courage. If you need to sharpen your skills, then commit to do so. The world is waiting for the unique ways you can participate. Just remember point #1 (above) when you do.

 

6. Not Following Through

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Is your life full of reasons and explanations for not following through? The CEO of a fortune 500 company allows others to wait and arrives last to a meeting, making no excuses. The employees expect this behavior as part of the authority of a leadership position in the corporation.. If the same person arrives late to a date, however busy the schedule, excuses do need to be made. This time being late is usually considered offensive, and gives the impression that the other person is not valued. If you have to make repeated excuses for your actions, do you realize what others think as a result?

What does your life say? There are many ways people do not follow through. When you make commitments, you make promises. Breaking promises tears away at your integrity and destroys trust in business and personal relationships. If you say yes, do it. You are judged by your actions and inactions. Be a person of your word. Do what you say, and only guarantee what you can deliver. When you compromise, you are telling others they are not a priority. If you want to make a favorable impression, find a way to follow through, so that excuses are saved for real and infrequent emergencies.

Here are three ways your actions break promises to others:

Managing time: when you are late, do not show up, turn in an incomplete project, or miss a deadline.  Your children need to know you value them with your time.  Other loved ones do too.  Business deadlines are important, so balance life and do not over-commit.

Being faithful: when you are dishonest, fake, or give in to pressure, or betray yourself and do what you do not want to do. Instead, be honest, true to yourself and others, not being fake but being your real self, true to commitments, not duplicitous, and true to your faith.

Staying focused: when you act in apathy, appear lazy, do not try or take any risks, or live in fear of failure.

Have goals you strive to accomplish, be loyal to promises to yourself and others, commit to and achieve your goals, and follow through with your promises. Your actions are the best way to make a great impression.

 

7. Correcting Others

As a teacher, I have a natural job responsibility to critique the work of others. When you are not my student, however, it is not my place to evaluate you. Have you ever been around people who constantly criticize? Do you find yourself doing this to others? Comments about your clothes, harsh words about something you said, laughing at your ideas, or belittling something you care about are all behaviors that create tension and discord. Are your insecurities driving you to lash out at others? In your attempt to look better, you may seem abrasive. As you try to lift yourself up at the expense of others, you show your insecurities. Learn how wonderful you are, and remove the need to hurt others. Others do not have to be put down for you to feel great. You have something wonderful to offer the world. The accomplishments of others do not change the God-given potential for your life. Stop criticizing or correcting others when it is not your business to do so, and you will notice an immediate change in the demeanor of others around you.

Are your actions messing up your interactions?  Figure out what causes grief in your communication. Stop the behavior. Change your life today. You can do it!

Patricia

 

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 20 Comments »

Immediate Gratification

Saturday, March 17th, 2007

You know you want it. You have got to have it. The surge of adrenaline heightens your senses and you can almost taste the fulfillment of your wish. You rationalize all the reasons that you will die without it. You need it, this minute. Life will never be the same again. So you get it. And for a brief moment, you live the thrill.

Then it hits you. The intense excitement turns to a horrible disbelief. As the pleasure fades, you realize what you did. You cannot take it back. You have created your own misery.

You can tear down in one moment what it takes a lifetime to build: trust in a marriage, confidence in a friendship, respect in your family, recognition in your profession, and love for yourself.

Were you trying to prove a point, get revenge, or defy someone with your action? Did you hope to get noticed, get attention, to do something shocking and finally be seen? Did you just want to feel alive? Were you trying to do what others least expect, to impress someone, or to take risks out of anger? Did a savvy sales associate notice your insecurities as you made a purchase beyond your means? Were you just bored, lonely, or acting out your sadness by doing something you promised to avoid?

When you react to life in this way, you allow circumstances to control you. If you choose to allow pressures to drive your decisions, then you do not act from your heart. You deny your true self, and sabotage your success. There are other ways to feel alive, other ways to feel good about life and satisfy the emptiness with true fulfillment. Self-sabotage is not the answer. Stop living under the control of your impulses, and determine to respond to life with strength and character.

Sometimes a person has a chemical imbalance that needs medical attention to aid in impulse control, or a severe addiction surrounds every decision made. If this is you, get to a doctor, get medicine, or break free from the addiction. Only you can decide to get better.

In most cases, however, the difficult task of delayed gratification is surprisingly simple to accomplish: commitment to your principles with every bit of your energy. When you feel the urgency to do something impulsive, determine to stop and give yourself some time. Think, pray, and listen. Why is it so important? What will happen if you wait, or if you never do it? What will happen if you do? Is it worth it? No excuses. Others may have influenced your past, but only you determine your tomorrow.  Help others by sharing your stories in the comments: tell us what helps you respond to the desire for immediate gratification when you know the impulse will force your life train off track.  I have added links in the comments section below to some posts where I share what helps me.

To live without regret is to be happy. To be happy is to fulfill your God-given purpose in life. To fulfill your purpose, you need a purpose-driven life. What is driving you? Be the person you want to be, who God calls you to be, with every choice you make. Have you hurt yourself or others with your choices in the past? Get forgiveness and make it right. Then start over today. You can do it!

Posted in attitude, balance, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 11 Comments »

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Your Secret To Positive Thinking

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

People are talking about it. It is on the news, in documentaries, on the radio, and in person. As the awareness spreads, more people are taking charge of life, and talking about positive thinking. As the world wakes up from self-pity and despair, it recognizes the power of the mind to impact the future. There are classic books to inspire you (such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking), and modern works that hightlight speakers who tell the world how to effect change (such as the Law of Attraction movie and book The Secret). I get excited anytime people want to talk about creating a better life. It fits exactly with the theme of A Better You Blog.

The Law of Attraction goes along with this approach to life: whatever you think about will happen. My view on the Law of Attraction can be seen in my article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I believe you do attract most of what you experience, but that life happens in balance, and there are ways to apply any theory to the extreme. While I agree positive thinking creates and attracts positive outcomes, God also gave people free will. The choice to do good or to do harm to others impacts everyone. Some find it comforting to believe in a false security that everything can be controlled, but the unexpected does happen. It is what you do next that determines your level of success.

Seize the rewards you attract with confidence and overcome both the difficulties that you attract and those few that come despite your best efforts. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You hurt, you heal, you move on, and you triumph over adversity and into greatness. Do not allow the 1% you cannot control to dominate the other 99% of your life, but focus on the 99% you can control, attract the success you desire, and create a better you. You can dream your way to the life you want: believe your goals are within your grasp, and work hard to create amazing success.

God has a unique plan for you. How do positive thoughts help you achieve your life’s purpose? Dream, imagine, and achieve. Do it today!

Inspire others with your own positive thoughts in the comments section with one or all of these:

Share a quote that motivates you or is meaningful (and who said it).
Tell how positive thinking changed your life (in big or small ways).
Cite your favorite motivating books- what do you read that stirs your soul to action?

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 14 Comments »

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

When you allow negative messages to invade your mind, you are creating self-fulfilling prophecies that will slow you down and turn success into failure. You react or respond to life based not on each situation you face, but on your perception of each situation. Your perception of circumstances is created in your mind. Are you a person who tends to see the glass of milk as half empty or half full?

Why does it really matter? Negativism attracts negative things. Your life is fulfilling the predictions you embrace. Will they be the negative messages, or will you choose to live out the positive ones and be happy, successful, and free? It is an intentional decision to ignore or overwrite negative messages, and a deliberate stance to take on life half full. It is not easy, but with strength and a positive attitude, you can do it. If you are not strong enough, draw strength from God and become strong enough. Learn what messages are guiding your journey, and intentionally encourage yourself with a positive mindset. The life you dream to create depends on it.

A self-fulfilling prophecy is where a belief (often false) is accepted as truth, and in stating it, becomes true. One classic example of this is portrayed on most television sitcoms and appears in many novels. The typical scenario, which I recently viewed on an old series (in black and white, to indicate how old), shows the main character receiving a chain letter. For those who have never had a “friend” send you one, it is a letter that requires you to send it on to a few more of your friends, and often to send money to someone. The letter states that bad luck will befall anyone who does not participate.

In the show, the main character receives this letter, and throws it in the trash, despite wondering if it could be true. He then begins the self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather than continue the relaxing and productive day he was enjoying, he now expects to see bad luck happen in every experience. He looks around for danger while walking, so much so that he trips over something by his feet. He is so defensive at every comment since he expects bad news, that he attracts a bad reaction from those he greets. He is so scared and suspicious that he appears rude in conversations, and consequently offends those he cares about the most.

Suddenly, he realizes the prophecy from the letter was true. It was, however, not the letter, but his perception of the letter that created this mess. He believed its false claim, and in doing so, created its prediction. Whatever you think about creates what you experience. In this respect, we are all living out self-fulfilling prophecies, because whatever your perception of reality, whatever thoughts you accept as true, will lead you. You attract negative things by focusing on the negative– that is part of the law of attraction.

I believe the law of attraction is sometimes taken to the extreme. As I understand it, there are those who suggest a deadly car accident can be avoided if you only think positively and therefore “attract” only positive things. While you can certainly control how much you focus on the road, how distracted you are when in a rush, and whether you are choosing a safe road to take, you can never “attract” a drunk driver to hit you from nowhere. This message creates false comfort. It would be nice to believe that bad things could never happen if you just think them out of existence, or pray them out of your life circle, but life does not work that way. You can live in that bubble of safety for a while, but eventually you will be shaken out of it, and wonder where your feet will land. Instead, keep your feet on solid ground. Know who you are, how to handle the storms of change and adversity, and attract the good and create the positive wherever you do have control. You can be at peace in the uncertainty knowing you have the tools necessary to handle life’s tides, and you know where to turn for strength.

The law of attraction has some great applications to life, and when viewed in balance, its roots can be found in the Bible. In Romans 12:2 it says “…be transformed by the renewing of your mind” and Proverbs 23:7 says that “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” (NIV). You were created with a mind and a will to determine what you embrace and what you eliminate from your thoughts. A child repeatedly told horrible things usually internalizes the messages as true. At some point, that child will grow up and learn there are other messages available. You must decide what to believe.

Where do you find the positive messages, and do you still hang on to the negative ones? Notice the term is “self”-fulfilling prophecy. Whose prophecy are you really fulfilling, are you believing false messages about yourself and creating your own misery? As an adult, you are responsible for the message that drives you. Are you around those who constantly berate you? Tell them to stop. Do you accept statements from others as true, or talk to yourself in a condescending manner? Confident people may more easily dismiss harsh insults from those distant contacts, but when uttered from close loved ones, it becomes even more difficult to keep from accepting them as truth. The hardest to fight of all is when you tell it to yourself. Are you your own worst critic?

Maybe these sound familiar: you are stupid, you will never amount to anything, you can’t make it, how could you have even thought you could succeed, you should have known better, why did you even try, what an embarrassment you are, you are ugly, worthless, unintelligent, incapable, and a failure. These cut deep wounds in your spirit, and it takes intent to replace them with positive truths.

Most people have a set of these to fight. In overcoming my eating disorder many years ago, I had to replace all the negative messages I bombarded myself with constantly, and I now live free of this mental harassment. I care about myself enough to treat me as a friend. Do you? I had to really learn about my purpose in life and how much love God has for me to make this life-altering change. I had friends who reinforced this, and I still know who to talk with when I need encouragement. Do you have time with God, time with positive friends, a place to go to help you change your perspective on a situation? Where do you draw your strength, and where do you find the positive messages? You can achieve your goals in business, you can get your degree, you can have a loving relationship, you can change your life, if you only believe it. Positive thoughts fuel success.

A positive outlook makes the difference between a quitter and a success. The determined intend success and keep going despite obstacles. Successful people believe in themselves and their dreams, and persevere. They dwell on positive thoughts, and attract the truth they believe. If you are determined, you find a way to make it happen because you believe that you CAN. If you believe that you cannot, you will not. There is always a way. It may be difficult, it may be different than you had originally planned, you may have to adapt to the unfamiliar, but if you are focused and think positively, you can achieve your goals. Do you believe it? Decide you can do it, and attract success. You create your dream future. Start today.

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 27 Comments »

10 Reasons NOT To Give Up TV

Thursday, January 4th, 2007

Did you know television can create a better you? It is a tool, and what you get from it depends on how you use it. Many are throwing out the TV in hopes of having a calmer life- great for them. I find, however, there is something to be missed. TV can be used to help you laugh, to help you learn, to help you create, and to help you relax. It can waste away your precious minutes, or be used selectively to inspire you to greatness. Act as if the TV is gone, live as if it is not a priority, but selectively incorporate it into your moments in ways that make you better. While browsing TV in trying to keep my weary eyes awake with my little ones at all hours, I have discovered these 10 gems among the junk. Share yours in the comments section below. Most of these shows have corresponding websites to spark your imagination. Enjoy!

1. How It’s Made, The Science Channel. Do you remember watching a quick segment in some Sesame Street episodes where they show how crayons (and other things) are made? Maybe you saw this with your children, or watched it yourself as a child. Here is the grown-up version. This show is great. Have you ever wondered how they make jeans, bread, batteries, bathtubs, nylons, band aids, or bicycles? This list is just the beginning. In just a few minutes each item is made (they do many items per episode). When I see the mysteries behind each item revealed, I know more how the world works. I think of the ingenuity it took to invent, and I am inspired. I do not work with steel or plastic, but I create with words. I want to contribute too. How do you create? What are your strengths?

2. Myth Busters, The Discovery Channel. If a cable tension snaps, can it really slice a person in two? Is playdoh really a wallpaper cleaner? Is it true you cannot make a concrete glider fly? Is it possible for a whirlpool somewhere on earth to suck whole ships to a watery grave? Can you stop your windshield from shattering, from a rock shot at it by a passing vehicle, by bracing the window with your hand? Watch these guys build engines and other contraptions from scratch, testing every myth you can imagine. One episode I would like to see: #57- Is the internet phenomenon true, that mixing diet cola and Mentos will create an explosion (do not try this at home)? Also, is it true a postage stamp stuck on the rotor blades will send a helicopter into a tailspin? My husband introduced me to this show, and I am intrigued at the way they come up with their tests. It makes me a more eclectic person, and I definitely know more useful trivia (for instance, do not count on jumping in a falling elevator- you will still die).

3. Flip That House, The Learning Channel. This show inspires the entrepreneur in you. Sit back and get ready to wonder how to branch out your own business, or how to start one (where you set your own hours). You may want to run out and buy property, but you learn that to flip, you had better know your stuff. Buyers purchase property in need of repair, and within a few weeks to a few months, restore or “flip” it for sale and hopefully a profit. The risk is in the money: will the home buyers succeed despite the changing market and unexpected expenses? There are similar series on other channels, but I like how this one sums up the results: what did the house sell for, and what was the profit? It can be a thrill ride to watch. There are other home improvement shows on TV, from decorating, to gardening, to fixing most things yourself.

4. Iron Chef America, Food Network. I like competition. I especially like it when I get to watch others sweat. I do enough risks in my own life. It is encouraging to watch others work hard using their God-given talents, and to be amazed by their skills. It relaxes me, and teaches me. This show (taken from the original Japanese version Iron Chef) places a top chef “Iron Chef” against a challenger. They are given one hour in Kitchen Stadium to cook several dishes to impress judges. The catch? They have to be around one theme. One time it was Cranberries. Once I saw “Battle Citrus”. The dishes are breathtaking. I can cook, but they create. Cooking is not one of my strengths, and it is hard to find foods we all like.  After watching this show, I now try to brighten up foods I cook with color, and vary the texture. Other shows on the Food Network are great too, like Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, but I like the competition ones the best. There are pastry and other cooking competitions at different times. This channel is gathering a younger audience now with its variety- some say it is the new MTV.

5. Digging For The Truth, The History Channel. For the Indiana Jones enthusiast (or Tomb Raider, or pick your adventure movie), this is an amazing find. Watch the host trek through the Amazon, dig in a dessert, or search through ruins for secrets to the past. It is a history lesson in a creative and engaging form.

6. Dirty Jobs, The Discovery Channel. Do not watch this show while you eat. I am not sure exactly why I like this show, but I do. When I first saw it, I was repulsed. Then intrigued. They show the host joining in on the most dirty yet vital jobs available. It helps you appreciate not working in the freezing cold, not covered in sludge, not stuck near bugs all day. It also helps you appreciate those who do. You will leave with a new perspective on the job you call your own.

7. Unwrapped, The Food Network. This is similar to #1, but it is all about food. Come see the process behind peanut butter, chocolate syrup, boxed lunches, or bubble gum. Watch favorite foods unwrapped and secrets revealed. I am intrigued by how fast the automated machines work, watching them in motion. It also makes me sad to think of those out of work due to changing automation. The world changes, however, and we must adapt. The secret is to always strive, to keep learning, and improving yourself. I now know how the marshmallows in your cereal get there!

8. Dora The Explorer, Blue’s Clues (Nick), and The Upside Down Show (Noggin). TV is not a babysitter, for you or for your children. Many, if not most, of children’s shows teach very little except the bad habit of sitting still. For an occasional entertainment show, however, these are great. Dora teaches Spanish and exploring, Blue’s Clues teaches some sign language and solving puzzles, and the new Upside Down Show teaches prepositions (above, below, under, over, etc.). As an educator, I like one thing these all have in common: they encourage the viewer to get involved. Dora and Blue have you answer questions and help solve riddles, and the Upside Down Show has you use the remote to change the screen. It is clever, and gets my children moving, laughing, and learning.

9. The West Wing and Gilmore Girls. I admit an indulgence. While nursing my infants over the years, I have had to keep the room dark (no reading), and I needed to stay awake. I discovered reruns of The West Wing. I know someone who once worked in the West Wing, and indicated this is a realistic portrayal. The reviewers agree. It is interesting to see the inner workings of my country’s government dramatized in this manner. I also discovered reruns of Gilmore Girls, about mothers and daughters, small town living, and life. Sometimes the dialogue could be better, and the later episodes are not as well-written as the early ones in my opinion, but I admit this show is a great form of temporary entertainment. There are many legal, medical, and reality TV shows on too. I flip past some. No new series has caught my interest as of yet. Mostly I avoid TV for recreation. Occasionally, I get invested in the character development and am interested in where it leads. Feeling the emotions of living, loving, and learning through shows is a great release of your own emotions and can be cathartic, when done in moderation.

10. Jaywalking and Headlines from the Jay Leno Show (and any other comedy that sparks my interest). I leave you with humor as number 10. It is healthy to laugh. Find your fun. I do not have time nor inclination to watch a talk show, but I do try to catch Jaywalking when it airs. This is where the host interviews people on the street with questions everyone should know, but many will miss. The answers are humorous, which is odd coming from me, a professor, since they reflect failures in our education system (someone from the United States does not know our first President?). Headlines are done once a week and are funny mistakes from newspapers, programs, or other print media sent in by viewers. These jokes are all done near the start of his show, so they are easy to find. Laughter helps you relax and unwind from the day.

The Food Network also has a show Ham On The Street, and while I have only caught a few minutes, it was hilarious. I cannot vouch for the show (maybe someone here has seen it more), but I saw a part where he fried a brownie and tried to get someone off the street to eat it, and left a chocolate cake for anyone to take. He also tried stuffing hotdogs with almost any kind of food (chocolate, pickles, candy maybe?) using hardware supplies, and got people on the street to do a taste test. Funny stuff. Also, for those who like other comedy shows, but do not want the language in their home, there are devices that you can purchase ($50-$100) that will edit out the swearing of most shows with captions.

Learn, imagine, get intrigued, unwind, and laugh. What is worth it in your TV? What shows make a better you?

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, family, humor, marriage, parenting, personal development, play, productivity, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 24 Comments »

Start A New Habit Or Break A Bad One: Ten Steps To Guarantee Success For Anyone

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

You can succeed where other fail. You can start a new habit or break an old one. You can change your life today. Do you want to stop an addiction to drugs or alcohol, lose weight on a diet, quit smoking, give up coffee, stop yelling at your kids, change a spending habit, be more productive in business, or be more assertive? What habit do you want to include or kick out of your life? Most people begin a new habit and fail to include all of these ten steps. If any of these are left out, your success is sabotaged before you begin. If you include these ten components, you are guaranteed success. Change your conditioned reactions to life and create new ones by following these ten steps.

1. Identify the habit. Be specific. Do you want to lose weight? Know exactly how much you want to lose and in what time frame (ie. 30 pounds in 6 months). Do your research. For example, if you are trying to diet, find out what to reasonably expect. You can safely lose 1-2 pounds per week, so 30 pounds in 6 months is a reasonable goal, and easily achieved. Why is it easy? Because if you follow these steps, you are guaranteed success. No tricks, no gimmicks. It is up to you. Do you want it bad enough?

2. Desire to start or to break the habit. You need a real longing, a want that pushes you towards your goal. You have to be willing to give up the way life is now. It is the only way to spark real change. If you are happy with life as it is, you will not succeed in change. Are you trying to change only because others tell you that you should? This is not enough of a motivator. Instead, ask them why. Are you denying the effects of your habit (or lack of habit) on your life? Listen to your loved ones, let it get to you, and inspire your desire for change. List what you will miss if you do not begin this new habit, or what you will gain if you give up an old habit. To succeed, you have to know why you want to change it. Do you really want your goal? If so, you will. If not, you will not. If you plan to succeed, you will. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” (Possibly an “old army adage” according to armytimes.com, but if anyone knows who first said this quote, please enlighten us in the comments and include your reliable source- I love accurate citations, but this one is over-used and under-cited).

3. Learn why you do it (or why not). What do you get out of how things are now? Figure out what need it fills (so you can fill it a different way). Is your habit a coping mechanism, helping you relieve stress or numb out from life’s pain? You can choose to manage stress in a healthy way, and find true happiness by making a healthy change. Is your habit a conditioned reaction to events, done for immediate gratification in times of sadness or frustration? You can change your pattern, learn to respond rather than react, and create a healthy substitute. Are you running from the pain of your past, and just getting by? If so, the thought of losing this habit probably scares you. You can do it. Do you want to start a new habit? What will you have to give up? If you want to start an exercise regime, for example, find wasted time during the day that you can make productive through this new habit. Instead of watching a television show, exercise. Why have you not started (and stayed with) this habit before? Do you believe you are too lazy (do you need to change your thinking)?

If you need perspective, talk with a friend. Whatever pain is driving you, it may take effort, but get through it and re-direct it. If you have serious trauma or unresolved pain, you may need to talk with someone to get past it. This is not “navel-gazing”. Healing from tragedy and trauma take time, but you must change your reaction to the pain to get better. If you are hurt from a fire and douse yourself with the first liquid available, which happens to be oil, the fire will only get worse! You have to get to water (or even better a fire extinguisher)! Life works this way too. You must change your habit to heal. What message does your current lifestyle send to you and how does it reinforce the negative?

4. Replace negative messages with positive ones. The moment you either give up or begin a new habit, you have changed.  Remind yourself of that.  Say “I am now losing weight, I have quit smoking, I am now a more assertive person…” or whatever fits with your goal.  This can be liberating if you truly believe you have changed.  Do not go back.  You need a new life slogan, one that says “you can do it”! If you do not believe you can, you cannot. Do you believe you have a destination? is your life’s train going anywhere? Replace the old messages with new ones. Love yourself, hate the habit, forgive yourself as God forgives you. You are a worthwhile person. This is hard for many to do. Get help from friends, positive quotes from the internet, or inspirational Bible verses to remind you of the truth of your unique and amazing life purpose. If you can, post affirmations where you will see them. The belief you can succeed is essential for success.

5. Get specific: plan for success. You need details to succeed. To start an exercise plan, decide exactly what days and times you will work out. Do you need to purchase any equipment or join a gym? do you need childcare? Plan ahead for an entire week, and be sure you are not exercising more than what is healthy for you (check with your doctor if needed). To stop smoking, have a detailed plan. Research over-the-counter items you may need. Use the internet to find support groups or materials to read. To lose weight, be careful not to pick an unhealthy plan. Some fad diets will take lots of your money and mess up your metabolism. If you are promised to lose a huge amount of weight in a short period of time, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. These programs will take your money and after you quickly lose a few pounds, you quickly gain back more than you had before you started. Choose a healthy well-balanced eating plan and write out your meals and grocery list for one week. What details do you need to figure out for the first week of your new life?

6. Take responsibility. If you think you are stuck this way, you will be. You can be the person you want to be, but it is up to you. These ten steps will guarantee your success, but only you can guarantee that you will follow these ten steps. Regardless of why you have had or avoided this habit, you have the control. Whether you just need a note on the fridge as a reminder to have a positive attitude, or you need a friend you can call every morning with the details of your plan, or even if you need some hospitalization or medication, it is still your choice to succeed. It is your life. Make a contract with yourself to live it differently today.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, a Russian scientist and Nobel Prize winner from the early 1900’s, is responsible for the famous “Pavlov’s dog” experiment (nobelprize.org, wikipedia). This is often used in conversation to refer to someone who is not using critical thinking but rather just impulsively reacts to situations. In the experiments, Pavlov noticed dogs salivating in response to food. He then altered this response by using various techniques, including whistles, tuning forks, and certain visual stimuli (interestingly enough, while legend says a bell was used, there is actually no evidence of this, and no bell was ever found in his laboratory). After the dog heard a sound and saw the food together, he eventually only heard the sound, but still salivated. This process of training worked to establish a pattern reaction, and to stop a pattern reaction. Your body works in much the same way. Change your conditioning, and you will change your habit. Stop allowing conditioned reflexes to establish your reaction. Become conscious of your actions and your reactions, and respond rather than react. Choose your behavior by choosing what rewards and consequences are coupled with it.

7. Reinforce your behavior. What are the rewards for doing or stopping your habit? What are the consequences you will set? This is part of the re-conditioning in Pavlov’s dog’s response. Change your reward system. Condition yourself to success and you will succeed. You get up in the morning and earn your money, right? What makes you get up and get going? You do not want the electricity turned off, and you want to keep a roof over your head and gas in your car. You need the same system of reward/consequence to start or stop a habit. If you lose weight or quit smoking, put the money you would have spent on junk food or cigarettes into a jar every day, and give yourself a reward every week. Start a savings account and watch the numbers grow. Buy a new dress, go to a movie, or do something else fun (and non-destructive).

Aside from breaking a contract with yourself, which should be severe if you value your word, what tangible consequence can you create? Do not be cruel or mean to yourself. Be confident, but firm. For example, Is there a fun event you want to attend? Make your habit (to lose it or do it) a condition of the event. Be sure this is not something like your child’s play (that would hurt your child), but something you really look forward to, such as a concert, a date out without the kids, or a night out with your friends. If you have the prize in sight, it will help you stay focused. Remember what you could lose.

8. Accountability and support system. Set it up, period. No excuses. Find a friend, get a sponsor, find a support group (there are groups to deal with grief, addiction, and more). Cut out sabotage. Get encouraged by stories of those who have made it. Whether in person, on the phone, or through the internet, be accountable. Pray. In your quiet times with God, commit to your decision and draw strength in your prayer time. Have a plan of action to prevent failure.

9. Have a plan to fall back on, before you quit, so you never will. This is a key component. You need to commit in the contract with yourself, to follow your fall back plan before you quit. Have a list of Bible verses to read to give you strength and go somewhere private to read them (the bathroom will do). Have some positive affirmations written out and read them to yourself slowly, until the panic or impulse to fail lessens. If the pressure to quit continues, have a list of people to call and talk out what you are thinking. Do not rationalize yourself to failure. Come back here and read this again, and remind yourself: you can do it!

Actively tell yourself new messages to change the old messages. If you are trying to lose weight and feel like you are going to die, for example, what is the truth? Are you confident you are following a doctor-recommended plan? If you have followed #5 above, then you can say yes. Re-interpret your hunger. If your body is hungry, you will still survive until the next meal. But consider if you are just emotionally hungry: are you angry, lonely, or tired? Find ways to fill this instead of using food.

Draw your line early, to maximize success. If you are an alcoholic who stopped drinking, do not allow yourself into bars. When you hit the worst stress and if you find yourself inside a bar, this is a warning flag. You have crossed a line that puts you into the danger zone. You are in the danger zone but you have not relapsed yet. Allow yourself a danger zone, and define it early. Try to never enter it. Consider this zone your last resort, and be sure it is something that will not do harm to yourself or others. Is your temper out of control? There is no excuse for taking it out on others (or yourself). Get it in control. Your danger zone should be early, when you feel your anger rise up. Whatever this is for you, your warning should be to leave the situation. Do it immediately, and follow your fall back plan to calm down. Try to never enter the danger zone, but have one nevertheless.

When you are tempted to fail, count to ten, breathe, and then follow your fall back plan. Make it long enough to include at least ten minutes of activity. If after ten minutes you are still on the edge of reverting to the old you, then start the fall back plan again. Repeat until your temptation moment has passed. Too many people say that “relapse is a part of recovery”. This is just an excuse to keep starting over, and never be truly free. Do not condemn yourself if you have failed before. You simply did not have the tools or the resolve. But you can do it now. You can follow these ten steps and this time, it will be different. Do not believe that you are inherently flawed and incapable of real change. You are as capable as anyone, and only you can change your life. Do it now, and do it for good. What danger zone and plan of action do you need to have? Set it up.

10. Make room for grief moments. Whether your change in habit feels so wonderful that it only takes a few minutes, or you are taking it a moment at a time, you will still find yourself needing to grieve. The first 20-30 days of a new habit (or the cessation of an old one) are critical for success. One reason is that you are still grieving as you change. So grieve. If it was a significant addiction, you may still find yourself grieving after a year. Grieve over what it has cost you, grieve over how you have hurt yourself and others, and grieve over what you are losing (a fast way to numb out and live in self-pity). It may sound odd to outsiders, but when you have truly made a significant change in your life, there are moments when the old ways may be missed.

Sometimes it comes when you have failed, and you wish for the old way of blaming it on your habit rather than an idea you had. Is your habit (or lack of a habit) an excuse to believe you are a failure, and never try to succeed? Are you using your habit to feel safer? To insulate you from criticism? For example, in business, some have a habit of blaming others for everything, and abdicate talent and ability by refusing to lead, therefore never bearing the blame. Step up and risk failure: it is the only way to create success.

Are you ready for change? Do it today.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, success, time management | 26 Comments »

How To Get Along With Family

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

Will you leave your next family gathering in peace or feeling regret? Do you look forward to spending time with your loved ones, or do you wonder how you will deal with the stress it brings? Your attitude, mindset, and perspective determine the result of your visit. A negative attitude sours a warm environment. An insecure perspective invites criticism and grief. A selfish mindset attracts anger and discord. Determine to be the character you seek in your family. Share warmth where there is none. Create peace where there is strife. Be loving but stay safe. You can prepare yourself to share time together without regret, and to leave at peace with yourself and your choices. Here are ten traits to exhibit that will create a better you at the holidays or any family visit.

What are you seeking from your family? People often seek approval, acceptance, and affirmation. You may want attention, assistance, or just desire some appreciation. Each family member comes with different expectations. You need to honestly examine your own assumptions, and realize you cannot control the behavior of others. Do not expect others to behave as you desire, nor create an image of the perfect time that you expect to fulfill. Your disappointments will show in your harsh words or actions. You will be the stress that you seek to avoid.

Family dynamics are complicated. A critical word that you would normally disregard can hurt deeply if spoken from a loved one. While you usually know your family the best, you often treat each other the worst. Tension, trauma, and unresolved bitterness can surround a family gathering. What about the children who feel they are never good enough, or the parents who feels their children are ungrateful and disrespectful? What about death, betrayal, or disappointment? What about the alcoholic mother who hurt her family for years, but now wants a second chance through forgiveness and grace? How do you relieve the tension, without acting fake, around a relative who has caused pain through emotional or physical abuse? What about the family member who sexually abused another, but denies it ever happened, and causes all to take sides? It could be any issue, but pain often results in people taking sides. With this reality, how can you still get along?

I know the sadness of watching your loved ones torn apart over discord. I understand the fear and grief of pain inflicted on you by another. I know the sense of injustice when wrongs are not set right. I also know that family is still family. I control what is up to me, and no longer try to control what is up to others. I refuse to allow the pain of the past to rob me of my joy today. I find pleasure despite life’s pain. I have fought my way to a peaceful family time for my children and for myself, where I can be real, yet guarded. I am careful to think about the positive memories, and bring an upbeat attitude to our visits. I put my children first. I take away from the experience life lessons. I learn how much I have changed, and where I still need to heal. I discover new sides to loved ones, and show new sides to me too.

Whether your family times are generally peaceful, or full of stress, here are ten actions you can take to get along better.

1. Be flexible and positive.

Plan ahead, but be prepared to throw out parts of your plan. You will get along best if you are not stressed when the schedule changes. Keep a positive attitude. Going somewhere different for dinner? Fine, ask for a long scenic drive there and see new sights. Is someone starting a new tradition? Take part and add your touch to it.

2. Be protective.

Guard your children, yourself, and your heart. Hopefully your family is a warm and safe place, with just everyday tension mixed in from clashing personalities. Some families, however, have serious issues that need to be watched. Safety is important. Decide ahead of time what to do if a certain situation arises. Nobody is perfect, and some things are worth putting up with for the sake of families. Some are not. Pray for wisdom and be ready to take action if the situation warrants it. Stay out of danger.

3. Be confident.

Do you know who you are, and are you secure in your identity? Show it. If you act insecure, you will attract people waiting to tell you how to feel. If you act unsure, others will be quick to help decide for you. Family often sense your subtle emotions, so if you are concerned about others trying to ‘fix’ you, then do some personal development ahead of time. Walk into the room knowing you are the best you possible right now, and that you will continue to be better. Be confident that you have value to contribute to others, and show your certainty.

4. Be authentic.

Be true to yourself. Be real. This does not mean you have to show every emotion. You feel the emotion, decide how to respond (rather than react), and allow yourself to process the feelings later. You can compartmentalize it for now, but be sure you deal with it later.

5. Be respectful.

There is a time for everything. Your parents and loved ones are not perfect. Neither are you. A great attitude begins with a desire to benefit others, and not to get even. Proverbs 15:1 says ”A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Show respect to your elders for the good part of their roles they have played in your life.  Practice good communication skills.  Consider the feelings of others, and try to imagine how you would feel from their perspective.

6. Be forgiving.

Forgive yourself, and forgive others. Bitterness and anger will only hurt yourself. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. To forgive does not mean to forget. Let slip from memory the little offenses that can build up, releasing them as you understand you need forgiveness too. Keep in mind the larger offenses that have taught you lessons. You know you have truly forgiven someone when you can recall what happened without feeling the anger again. Give people a second chance, but be safe. Trust is earned. Forgive, be gracious in showing your attitude of forgiveness, and guard your heart as the trust is rebuilt.

7. Be generous.

What can you give that is of value to your family? Share it. Be generous in word and deed. Show appreciation to those who have supported you. Give kind words to those closest to you. Say I love you. Be generous with your love, be generous with your time, and be generous with your money. Do not grieve yourself going into debt over a gift, but make it meaningful.

8. Be playful.

Play. Laugh. Have fun. Have a funny video or game ready to help break the tension if needed. Seek out pleasure moments and treasure them. Play reduces stress and elevates moods. Find mutual interests to enjoy.

9. Be attentive.

Are you always on the phone, computer, or PDA? When you put them away, you are telling your family what is most important. Listen to each other. Discord is often created, and is definitely increased, by misunderstanding and poor communication. Pay attention the way you want others to pay attention to you. Have you changed over the years? Remember others change too. Look for new positive traits in each other. You may be surprised.

10. Be nurturing.

Take care of your family, and take care of yourself. Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be the best you possible at the moment, and then be your own best friend.

Wishing you all warm and memorable family gatherings,

Patricia

 

Posted in attitude, balance, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, influence & purpose, parenting, people skills, personal development, play, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 9 Comments »

Beat The Blues

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Life has its seasons that are not dictated by a calendar. During the holidays, or a special celebration such as a wedding, you may wonder why you do not share the same happiness or enthusiasm as those around you. The pressure to perform as if you feel differently can cause discomfort, and comparing yourself against expectations can create the blues. You can give in to your sad feelings and allow them to dictate your reactions, or you can fight the despair and beat the blues.

This does not mean your feelings disappear. It means you face them. It is not easy. But you can do it! You may not be able to control the circumstances around you, but you can control your attitude, your thoughts, and your stance as you face life. Are you determined to make it and beat the blues? To know how to fight your way out, you must figure out what you are facing. Here is an exercise to sort out what feelings are stirring underneath, and to face them to beat the blues.

Sometimes you just feel down. Loneliness, sadness, and unrealistic expectations can trigger feelings of inadequacy and a sense of despair. Are you comparing yourself to others or to an impossible standard you created? Are you allowing unexpected circumstances or changes to derail your life journey? You can find bits of pleasure through the pain. You can get out of the pit and find true happiness.

You still have to grieve, but you can lessen tragedy’s impact on your life by taking care of yourself. First be sure you just have the blues, and not true depression. If you are not sure, check with an authority on the subject. There are sometimes chemical imbalances that need a doctor’s care, and you might need to have a professional help you regularly address your depression to get through it. Next, be sure you are caring for your basic needs. How are you managing stress? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating to give yourself energy rather than run you down to fatigue? Finally, are you ready to be happy again? If you are determined to be down, you will be. You need to be at your best to fulfill the life purpose God has given you. Are you ready? Whether you are depressed or just feeling the blues, your attitude and thought life will play an important role in feeling better. This exercise can show you how to fight it, to face it, and to beat the blues.

In the 1960’s, The Byrds had a famous song entitled “Turn! Turn! Turn!” based on Ecclesiastes chapter 3 of the Bible which begins “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…”. This exercise uses the lines of chapter 3 as a blueprint to understand the seasons of life. See where you are now by how you interpret each line. Your answers, if you are honest, will help you understand the strongest currents in your life at this time. Notice which lines stir up the strongest emotions, and promise to give yourself time to sort them out.

When you are saddened by something, you may feel guilty for not enjoying the happiness of others as you would like. While you still congratulate others and act courteous at gatherings, you do not need to be fake. It is important to allow time alone to process your own feelings. This may involve writing in a journal, talking to a friend, time in prayer, reading, crying, or taking some action to resolve the matter. If you are motivated to act, allow the emotional dust to settle first, to ensure you are confident of your decision. Then create a better you.

To everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
and a time to die;

What images do you see? Are some harder to think about than others? I remember the sadness I felt while my husband and I tried desperately to overcome infertility, and I still feel the joy at our answers to prayer at the births of each of our three children. I also think of a loved one I miss.

Have you noticed that the news seems filled with more tragedy around the holidays? A two-year-old dies suddenly. Parents killed. Woman attacked. While the news media may increase their focus on these stories at that time, I suggest it is also our heightened sensitivity to everything we value. This also happens when you are grieving a tragic loss. When the feelings are raw and you have not had time to heal, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by reminders of what you have lost (or what you never had). How can you further your healing today? Is there a place for your grief in your life? If you do not make a place to express it, it expresses itself somehow, usually helping you to overreact to circumstances. What fear can you conquer today? Are you plagued with worry that your loved ones may die suddenly and outside of anyone’s control? Change your thoughts today. Focus on the time you have, however long. Life is too precious to spend one more minute wondering ‘what if’. Instead, think only on what is.

A time to plant,
and a time to pluck what is planted;

How have you sown the seeds for your future? Persistence, patience, and endurance will help you achieve your goals. What are you planting? Is it time to reap the harvest? The original Hebrew word translated as ‘pluck’ here indicates to tear it out by the roots. Are there any weeds you need to remove by the roots, so they do not take hold in your life again?

A time to kill,
and a time to heal;
a time to break down,
and a time to build up;

What is festering inside you that you need to destroy? This sense of ‘kill’ means to smite, to slay, or to destroy. Where do you need to heal? This Hebrew word means to mend by stitching, to repair, to thoroughly make whole. Notice that it is an active process. You are not just healed by time. What steps can you take today to heal any wounds? What in your life do you need to break down or to build up?

There was a time in my life when I criticized myself, playing the tapes in my head of all the negatives I had internalized from myself and others over the years. I finally determined to stop tearing myself down. I deliberately broke down the hurtful messages from the past and replaced them with truth. How can you build yourself up today?

A time to weep,
and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
And a time to dance;

Life is full of emotions. When I gave up my eating disorder, I determined to live without numbing out. I replaced the addiction with healthy habits, and now I intentionally experience life, the good and the bad. Is it time to weep or to mourn for you? Can you find more ways to laugh or to dance, to celebrate life?

A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones;

Are you creating stairs with your life steps, stones that lead to success? Is there anything you are building that is leading where you do not want to go? Cast away those stones and change your course. Gather your courage to follow God’s purpose for you, and it will lead to peace. Do you want to start a new business, go back to school, or change careers?

A time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;

Is there someone you need to comfort? Do you need comforting? Is there a relationship you need to sever? Is there a relationship you are afraid to start but feel you should? Take courage and act in confidence.

A time to get,
and a time to lose;
A time to keep,
and a time to throw away;

A time to strive after, to seek for, and to search out something, especially through prayer. Are you attending to your spiritual component? Is there something unsettled within you? Are you struggling with your understanding about God, or are you sensing a new direction for your life? There is a time to seek after answers. What do you need to get in your life? What do you need to lose or to wander away from? Do you need to sort your life and priorities? What do you need to keep, and what should be thrown away?

A time to tear,
and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;

What hinderances need to be ripped or torn from your life, and what needs to be sewn together or mended?  Do you need to speak up about something, or keep quiet even though you wish to get involved?  Use discipline and be the best you possible. 

At a time when families gather, there are often years of hurt feelings under the surface. People are not perfect. You often hurt those you feel most comfortable around. Do you need to give an apology to someone? Do you need to forgive? Depending on the severity of the act, you can give someone another chance, or stay guarded immediately. But you forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the act, nor that you forget. Trust has to be earned back. But forgiveness means you no longer allow the offender to control you, and you rise above their mistake. When you forgive, the memory of the past event will lessen its impact on your current emotions. Forgiveness improves your health as your stress level decreases.

A time to love,
and a time to hate;
a time of war,
and a time of peace.

This term for love can mean sexual or friendship love. Are there affections you need to grow in your marriage? Do you need to give more attention to your children?  Are there friendships you need to nurture? Is there any part of your life you need to hate? Where are you at war, and where are you needing peace?

I used to love my eating disorder. It was killing me, but I used it to cope. I needed to hate it, and I finally went to war. I took a chance that God really did have a plan for me. I dared to believe that I had something special to contribute to the world, that I could accomplish the goals I desired and that I was worth the effort. I now have peace. This word for peace can be translated as a sense of safety, a feeling of wellness, a happiness. Do you need more health, more prosperity, more peace?

Do not compare yourself to how you think you should feel.  Rather, check if you are progressing forward from where you were, healing through it, not trying to go around it.  Where are you stirred up today? Do you have the big picture of your life at this moment? Make a determination to change your thoughts that are defeating you, to bravely face your fears and challenges, and by getting excited about your future and taking action on your present, to beat the blues. You will be a better you.

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 13 Comments »

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