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30 Ways to Instantly be a Better Parent

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

I am spending many late nights finishing my dissertation, and I find with so much serious concentration that I look forward to playing games with my children even more during the day. Coloring with chalk and playing hide and seek are great ways to distract me from the 300 pages of academic writing I am trying to complete. As I watch my children, I am encouraged to be the best parent I can by always trying to do better. You do not have to be a perfect parent, but be perfectly motivated to do your best parenting every day.  Parenting is a huge responsibility that does not come with much training, so here are some practical ways to be a better parent, one day and one decision at a time.

1. When you tackle a project, find a way to give your child some role in the task.

From preschool to the teenage years, children love to feel needed, and working together provides opportunity to talk and learn about how things function. My husband worked on cars with his dad since he could barely hold a hammer, and now my son does the same with his dad. Whether you are getting organized, mowing the lawn, creating a scrapbook, doing household chores, or building something on a computer, do it together. Even by simply giving your 4-year-old the socks to sort by color and fold, you are doing something great!

2. Think before you speak.

Automatically you are a better parent if you do this one. Words said in haste or impatience can leave a lasting impression on their hearts, like a footprint in cement. When you are emotional or tempted to react instead of respond, think. In most cases, waiting a few seconds or minutes to speak will only help the situation as tempers settle down on all sides.

3. Ask your children about their day, and listen with interest and support.

4. Find some genuine compliment or praise you can give them. Look for ways to reward kindness and responsibility every day.

5. Change your countenance when you make eye contact- smile!

They see you frustrated, now let them know they help add peace to the family. Knowing your day is brighter just by their presence gives them confidence and improved self-esteem.

6. Encourage talent and find one new thing to introduce to them and help to open up their world. One new skill, idea, location, career, and possibility. Do this often.

7. Next time you try to get your kids’ attention, instead of talking louder and louder, talk softer and softer.

You command more respect and attention with a stern voice than with a harsh yell. If they cannot hear you, get closer and calmly speak again.

8. Say NO, firmly but with compassion.

If you feel guilty, is it because there is no logical reason for your no (then fix this), or is it because you just feel bad for your child who is sad (and you need to go with your gut to protect them). Know you are a better parent and show your love by setting limits.

9. Say YES, and sacrifice when you had not intended to do so.

Do one more thing for your children that is extra special, even though you do not have to, and show them how important their happiness is to you. Then enjoy the reward of their excitement as you watch them smile.

10. Be consistent and transparent.

You know what consequences to expect if you are late to work, you do not pay your bills, or you commit a crime. If you are late to work you will not be thrown in jail for life. Do you ever remember feeling like your teacher or parent was administering too much punishment for the type of wrong deed? Be sure your children know what to expect, what to avoid, and can trust you to be fair and consistent in your discipline. Be sure they know you love them even if you do not love their actions, but that they still learn to take responsibility for their actions. Always be sure they are safe and not in fear of harm from your anger. Start communicating. Stick with a healthy plan, and administer it in love. As you do this, you are already a better parent. Keep it up and keep getting better.

11. Do something for yourself.

Yes, I mean you, the hard working parent who fills up the day with so much you wish you could have nap time yourself. For me, these articles help me express what is on my mind, and give me some time alone in quiet thought. What is your outlet? Take care of yourself and instantly be a better, happier, more refreshed parent.

12. Assume the best, not the worst.

Kids often feel like they are guilty until proven innocent. When they start to tell you something, before you become defensive or over-react, consider if you are only worried about your assumptions, not what they are actually saying. They will sense your distrust, and shy away from openness if it is unwarranted.

13. If trust has been broken in the past, give your child a clear roadmap to earn it back.

Children need to know you will forgive them and that it is possible to restore your confidence in them, or they may develop a “why bother” attitude. Give them a reason to get past their mistakes and turn them into strengthening lessons for a lifetime of successful living.

14. Let them see your strength in weakness- conquer your bad example.

Is there an area in your life that needs improvement? Children are perceptive, and will learn by your example if you fight to give up your bad habits. The best way to show them how to live successful and free is to live this way yourself. Everyone can strive to do better, to be better. Whether you have an addiction, you are just not taking care of your body, you procrastinate, or you need to work on your attitude during stressful times, every step you take to improve yourself will show your children that change is possible and life is full of possibilities.

15. Show up for the important times, and listen to know what these really are (do not just assume).

16. Take one more step today towards living what you believe and instantly be a better parent.

Share your faith and world view not just as something on paper, but by living it. Be who you say you are and lead by example. As a Christian, the best way I can encourage my children to embrace God and my beliefs is to show them how my relationship with God makes my everyday life better. They see how I really live, and learn more from what I do (and do not do) than what I say.

17. Eat one meal together every day as a family, away from the television and phone.

18. Children love routine, so add a new tradition.

I play checkers after school with my elementary school son. He looks forward to our time together, and I love to hear about his day as we play together. Last year I started a silly little saying when I picked up my children from preschool or school. I would get in the car, stop putting on my seatbelt, and turn to them each and say “Oh, look at that face, oh I missed you!” and reach back for a hug. This always got big smiles, and one day I forgot and started the engine and my 4-year-old said with a grin “Mommy, you forgot to look at my face!” You can add a night time routine, such as saying “I love you” or saying a prayer before going to sleep where you thank God for the thrill of your children (letting them hear your gratitude for their lives). Start a new tradition today.

19. Have a family fun time at least once a week.

Cut out something from your schedule if you have to, but find a way to play together. No criticism or work involved, just have a good time hanging together as a family.

20. Next time you wonder why your children react in a certain way, imagine the scenario through their perspective.

What would you want to see different to help lessen anxiety? Often children see adults impatient, angry, or annoyed with them. Trying to figure out why they feel as they do can help you know how to help them. Even if you cannot or will not change the circumstances, you might see how to help them better adapt to their discomfort.

21. Give your child a physical sign of affection every day.

A hug, pat on the back, or even a squeeze on the hand can show you care. Scientists show that physical affection from trusted loved ones helps reduce stress and elevate mood. Infants who are never held will die, and as you grow up you continue to receive comfort from touch.

22. When tempted to argue as adults in front of your child, stop. You just became a better parent.

It is healthy to work out minor differences in front of your kids and let them see how people solve problems, provided you are truly resolving the issues and not tearing each other down, but deeper disagreements need to be managed in private. Children of all ages internalize comments they hear, so talking about how something makes you feel can leave your child feeling responsible and taking on unnecessary stress.

23. Do not argue with your children.

You are the parent. Command respect by telling them you will gladly listen to their side, but there will be no argument.

24. Seek out humor, and laugh at the unexpected!

Are you so stressed out and tired that you almost cried just because you spilled your coke? Break the mood and laugh at how you let yourself get disproportionately frazzled. Your children will laugh too, and learn how to relieve stress. Find funny comic strips, and laugh at jokes your children tell you. Laughter is good for your body inside and out.

25. When your children approach you for attention, give it as soon as possible. 

Have a signal you can give that means just a minute, finish up your immediate task as quickly as possible, and then drop everything, look them in the eye, and give them five minutes. Whether they just want to tell you a joke, perform a puppet show, or vent about a problem with some friends, send them the message you are available and approachable, and you value your children. Let them know they are a priority.

26. Try something new and learn it together. Let your child become the teacher or help solve a problem.

27. Vary your activities and your environment. Encourage your children to go outdoors, to play indoors, and to do different things throughout the day.

28. Help your children attend to their own four core components to be happy, and lead by example yourself.

Live in balance, and help your children adjust their schedule if it is too busy or if they need to explore a new activity.

29. Read together every day, especially books about their interests.

30. Every child learns differently so discover your child’s learning style.  Encourage a love of learning, encourage dreams and goals, tell your children ”You can do it!” and believe it with them!

Posted in attitude, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, family, goals, humor, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, people skills, personal development, play, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management | 17 Comments »

Being Honest With Yourself

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

I was baffled. My clothes were fitting tighter, my feet were swelling up, I was not pregnant, I ate the same amount of food, and I lived an active lifestyle. I could not figure out why I seemed to be gaining weight, so I rationalized it away. “My clothes are shrinking, my weight is just re-distributing, or I am just retaining water.” I felt blah. After a few months of denying it, when I could no longer zip up my pants all the way, I finally faced it. I stood on the scale and saw 15 new pounds. In my frustration, I told my husband. “I do not know what is wrong with this food plan. I guess I will just buy bigger clothes.” I then laughed at my logic immediately, realizing I was blaming a reliable healthy eating plan for my weight. He knew I was low on energy from the extra pounds, and also had an answer. “Give yourself a break. You just stopped nursing a baby, maybe that is the reason.” I could not believe I forgot about that factor. When I nursed, I had to eat more for the baby. Now, I needed to go back to an amount of food for just me. I think rather than forgetting about this, I was just avoiding the truth. It was more convenient for me to ignore any possible responsibility on my part to prevent having to change what I was doing. Change. Uncomfortable, yet freeing. I grumbled a bit, consoled myself, and then made the change.

Losing the weight was worth the adjustment. I chose to be healthy, and I had to be honest to get there.

When you are not honest with yourself, something just does not feel right. You may feel disconnected, frustrated, or apathetic, and you are not sure why. Maybe you avoid being honest about little things, hide from the reality of important matters, or maybe you even avoid the truth when your life depends on it. You may feel like you are just trying to get by, and wonder when life will be fun again. Inside you feel one way, but you ignore it, rationalize it away, or avoid accepting the truth. Figure out what is driving you to deny what is, get honest with yourself, and change your life today.

Here are four reasons we avoid being honest:

1. We resist being honest with ourselves because it hurts and seems overwhelming. These create defining moments when we must decide to conquer fear and trust God for strength to push through the pain and achieve the honesty we need.

When my eating disorder was draining me of strength and hope, I had to get honest with myself despite how painful or difficult it was to face my circumstances. Psalms 51:6 says “You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part you will make me know wisdom.” and John 8:32 says “You will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” (NASB version of the Bible). I faced the truth and dealt with the pain of my past rather than continue to stuff it down and pretend it did not exist. I moved on, determined to succeed and to be defined by only the positive events in life. Now, I am 15 years free of that hold, and God reminds me to take care of myself as best I can. Now I live to be real, and to have what I feel be in line with my actions. If I have a chip on my shoulder about something, I deal with it, because that is a part of being honest. I need to be honest in both big and little things, no matter what.

When we are hurt, we naturally avoid dealing with the pain. Our bodies react to pain by sending a message to the nerve receptors to “numb out”. Eventually they adapt and we sense the pain, signaling it is time to fix the wound. We act this way emotionally too. We initially want to deny trauma or other events occur, but to grow and thrive, we need to face the pain at the right time and with the right help. Sometimes there are deep wounds that need healing. I have fought this battle, and no longer allow this pain to rule my life. It took time to process through, to understand I was not to blame, and to heal, but I did it, and you can too, whatever your hurt. A deeper cut needs more attention than a superficial scrape. Attend to your wounds. Be honest about where you are and move past your past.

2. We avoid the truth when we are embarrassed or ashamed of our mistakes, or misfortunes, and would rather pretend they do not exist. Without getting honest and taking responsibility for our goofs, whether tragic or just slightly embarrassing, we can allow even one event to steer our life off course. Big or small, we still need to face our circumstances.

One time in college I fell for a scam phone call that promised a free trip for just a nominal “shipping” fee. I delivered my money, with the promise my prize would arrive in the mail. When I later realized my mistake, I was so embarrassed. I was supposed to be smarter than that! I was convinced by the idea of something for nothing, and I allowed myself to see only what I wanted to see. It could have cost me my entire checking account balance, but I swallowed my pride and went to the bank. I stopped payment on the check in time, and the bank said I was lucky it was not too late, because this scam robbed so many of so much. I saw the looks of the bank officials as they saw another young lady duped. I almost did not go to the bank. I rationalized why I should not worry about it and that it was too late anyway, but I felt God tugging at my spirit and my conscious would not stop bothering me until I acted. I am so glad I did fix it, embarrassment and all. In this trivial life lesson, I learned to be more guarded with my trust.

3. We resist being honest because of what the truth says about us, and the fear it changes who we are. You are not your fears, but you define yourself by them when you give in to the lies trying to beat you down. Are you replaying an event over and over again in your mind? Stop it. Process the pain yourself, or go to a friend or counselor to get it out, but find a way to move on. If you are stuck in a loop you will keep going around in circles and miss the beauty of the terrain up ahead. Get back on track for your life journey.

When you think about who you are, if you find yourself too harsh, maybe you are not being honest with yourself about your abilities, your inner strength, and your endearing qualities. Do you treat yourself like dirt? Stop it. You are valuable, and you have something to offer the world. Find out who you are, be proud of your skills, and hold your head high. Being honest is not just about the challenges. You need to be honest about your strengths, too!

4. We resist being honest because it means we have to change, and with change comes sacrifice.

There is always a fix. Many times things will not be as they were, but there are often actions you can take, and things you can do to change the effects of an action, to forgive, to restore yourself, to heal. Find a way to be more honest and embrace the change it brings.

Be honest with your finances. Are you really cutting back when needed, or are you just stressed because you do not want to change the lifestyle you desire? Finances strain relationships, and how you spend your money shows what you value. Be honest with yourself and be aware of your choices.

Be honest with your relationships. Are you treating others right, and are you treated right? Where there is pain, get healing. Where there is tension, fight your way back to peace. Start by investing your time.

Be honest about your habits. Are you managing stress or robbing your life of precious years with self-destruction? Are you acting on life as it comes, responding to change, and adapting to accomplish your goals? Get honest, get hope, and change today. You can do it!

Be honest about your priorities. Your life affects others. You have something to offer, so seize it and work for it every day. Do your actions reflect your true priorities, or are you aimlessly wandering through life? Are you blaming others or your past for your inaction today? Get focused, get ready, and take action today.

Ginny’s courage fighting her illness taught me to look for the positive despite good or bad times, to fight for what is important, and to be honest with myself. Being honest is rewarding, healing, and energizing. Think of a time when you were honest with yourself and faced the difficult or uncomfortable. How can you be more honest with yourself now? Create a better you today. You can do it!

 

Posted in a higher power, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, eating disorders, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 10 Comments »

7 Behaviors That Mess Up Communication: Are You Making A Good Impression?

Friday, April 6th, 2007

Have you ever felt puzzled by how others react to you? Do you want to improve communication in your family, your marriage, or other relationships? Are you wondering how to get along better with others at work? Here are 7 behaviors you can quickly change to smooth out differences and improve communication. Each of these behaviors sends the message that you are better than, more important than, or more valuable than the other person. When you do not want to act this way, are you doing it anyway? Show respect by changing your actions, and create some peace where there is strife.

 

1. Interrupting

I thought I was a great listener. I genuinely cared about others, and I could easily sit down and listen in support of friends who needed encouragement. In everyday conversation, however, my behavior sent a different message. I worked so hard to be sure my view was heard, that I talked first and listened later. I was constantly interrupting. After college, I committed to create a better me. I asked God to show me where to improve and to give me the courage to face it. The next day I began to notice the faces of others at the moment I cut them off, and I was stunned. I determined right then to stop interrupting, and it instantly helped improve friendly conversations.

While it only took a moment to decide my actions, it took longer to deal with my emotional reactions. Once I stopped the behavior, I learned I felt intense fear at not speaking up whenever I wanted to interject an opinion. I realized that I never felt my views were “heard” growing up, and I was afraid of being invisible now. I was allowing the pain of my past to influence my present. I refused to live afraid of the same experiences now, but instead determined to create a better life, starting with how I related to others. It was time to gather this unpacked baggage and unload it. I made a conscious effort to live in confidence in the present, knowing I had much to offer the world, as everyone does. As I gave it to God, the weight lifted off and set me free. Now, if I find myself unintentionally interrupting someone, I catch myself and apologize. When I value conversation with someone, I work hard to show it.

 

2. Assuming

Humorous though it is, we all know that the popular saying taken from the spelling of the word is true: to ASSUME really can make an *!@** out of U and ME. We make judgements about people, but when we believe that only our assumption can possibly be correct, we fall into this trap. Here is an example of how this messes up communication in relationships.

My husband and I are celebrating ten years of marriage this month. I am amazed at how fast the time has gone by, yet at the same time, I see how much closer we have grown through the years. We really do have a great marriage, but it did not just happen–we work at it. One of our greatest efforts is also one of our strengths: communication. When we first started our journey together, and a disagreement occurred, we both made a lot of assumptions. For example, if he said something that hurt my feelings, I eagerly waited for him to apologize. I assumed that if he really knew me, if he really cared, if he was paying enough attention to me, and if he really loved me, he would just magically know I was upset. Wrong! In relationships, one person often offends the other and has absolutely no idea what happened. Really.

I like to think that as an educated and confident professional, I would act more mature. When something bothered me, however, I would walk around the house pouting in silence, thinking surely he would realize my lack of energy and conversation and come ask what was wrong. My assumption created my own grief, as I ruined what could be a wonderful evening by stewing in frustration. At the same time, he enjoyed a peaceful evening, reading the paper, fixing something that needed to be fixed, and watching television. Finally, I had to find out how someone who loved me could ignore my emotional state for so long. I still remember the look on his face whenever this would happen- utter shock. He would either have no idea I was offended, or he thought it had gone away, and I was not mad anymore. If however, he did suspect something was wrong but did not know what, he preferred to hold to his assumption and ignore my clues, rather than risk a “long” discussion if there was a problem.

We needed to put aside our assumptions, and to get better at communicating. Over the years, we have both improved how we relate.

I have learned not to be so easily offended. Sometimes what I thought was an attack or criticism of me was only my own insecurity, and I learned to sort out the difference. I have also learned how to be more active in our relationship, and to clearly make my feelings known. I now know it is my responsibility to go beyond assumption, and to be sure he knows that something bothers me.

He has learned that for me, nothing ever just magically goes away. At the same time, he knows that sometimes, all it takes is a quick hug and meaningful look into my eyes to help me feel better. Other times, I need to hear words. We have learned how to smooth over differences with fewer words too, giving me enough time to feel we have “talked it out”, and yet not taking so much time that he feels “talked out”. We have learned how to resolve differences quickly but efficiently, a topic for another post. The starting point, however, is to go beyond assumptions.

In your relationships, talk about how you resolve conflict, before it happens. Instead of assuming, give yourself and others a better chance by finding out the truth. When you harbor resentment over assumptions, you create your own unhappiness.

 

3. Taking without Thanking

Telling others thank you tells a lot about your character. How many of us in our busy lives forget this? Think back to the last time you really appreciated something, and never remembered to tell the person thank you. You may have wanted to share your appreciation, but by never saying thanks, you showed ingratitude. I am great at giving thanks immediately after an act of kindness. I recognize others with words and a smile. Written thank you notes, however, are my weakness. Sometimes a verbal thank you is sufficient, but sometimes, etiquette suggests a more thoughtful written response is best. There are many times I think of sending a few words by mail, but it seems to be last on my list until it becomes too late to have any meaning. I have disappointed myself in the past, where I truly did not mean to send an ungrateful message, but I never followed through with an appropriate expression of thanks. I have worked harder this year in this area, and with this commitment, I have greatly improved. I am careful to keep these little notes in priority with other commitments to myself. Whenever I receive a written thank you note I am still humbled by the effort and thoughtfulness, and it means even more to me than others think.

 

4. Blaming Others

You are responsible for your own behavior. You are influenced by your pain, but it does not have to control your future. When you blame others, you give up control of your own life, and allow others to decide how you will feel day by day. This mentality creates tension in relationships as one person feels stuck and stressed over circumstances that trap them. Others only control your life when you let them. For a while I considered hiding in the “safety” of blaming others. I could live every day knowing any failure or trouble now and in my future is all the fault of those who caused me harm years ago. But I knew better, and I decided to fight the impulse to wallow in self-pity. I decided to live for today and take control of my future, with God’s help. You have greatness in you, waiting to contribute your unique skills to the world. Give God your heart and allow Him to fulfill your life’s purpose. It is up to you, and only you.

 

5. Offering Nothing

Are you giving your best? Are you working to offer your unique skill in your career, or do you just do the minimum? Do you offer the real you to those you let close, or are you guarding against intimacy by offering little to nothing of yourself? Be authentic. Be available. Be confident. When you just go along with others, never offer an opinion, and never share you tell others they are not worth it.

When the opportunity arises for you to participate in communication, and you do not offer your opinion, your talent, or whatever contribution you can make, you send a message. Either you say you are too important, too insecure, or you are unable to offer anything. You are a talented individual. If you do not know your strengths, discover them. If you are too scared to subject yourself to possible rejection, get strength from God to face life with courage. If you need to sharpen your skills, then commit to do so. The world is waiting for the unique ways you can participate. Just remember point #1 (above) when you do.

 

6. Not Following Through

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Is your life full of reasons and explanations for not following through? The CEO of a fortune 500 company allows others to wait and arrives last to a meeting, making no excuses. The employees expect this behavior as part of the authority of a leadership position in the corporation.. If the same person arrives late to a date, however busy the schedule, excuses do need to be made. This time being late is usually considered offensive, and gives the impression that the other person is not valued. If you have to make repeated excuses for your actions, do you realize what others think as a result?

What does your life say? There are many ways people do not follow through. When you make commitments, you make promises. Breaking promises tears away at your integrity and destroys trust in business and personal relationships. If you say yes, do it. You are judged by your actions and inactions. Be a person of your word. Do what you say, and only guarantee what you can deliver. When you compromise, you are telling others they are not a priority. If you want to make a favorable impression, find a way to follow through, so that excuses are saved for real and infrequent emergencies.

Here are three ways your actions break promises to others:

Managing time: when you are late, do not show up, turn in an incomplete project, or miss a deadline.  Your children need to know you value them with your time.  Other loved ones do too.  Business deadlines are important, so balance life and do not over-commit.

Being faithful: when you are dishonest, fake, or give in to pressure, or betray yourself and do what you do not want to do. Instead, be honest, true to yourself and others, not being fake but being your real self, true to commitments, not duplicitous, and true to your faith.

Staying focused: when you act in apathy, appear lazy, do not try or take any risks, or live in fear of failure.

Have goals you strive to accomplish, be loyal to promises to yourself and others, commit to and achieve your goals, and follow through with your promises. Your actions are the best way to make a great impression.

 

7. Correcting Others

As a teacher, I have a natural job responsibility to critique the work of others. When you are not my student, however, it is not my place to evaluate you. Have you ever been around people who constantly criticize? Do you find yourself doing this to others? Comments about your clothes, harsh words about something you said, laughing at your ideas, or belittling something you care about are all behaviors that create tension and discord. Are your insecurities driving you to lash out at others? In your attempt to look better, you may seem abrasive. As you try to lift yourself up at the expense of others, you show your insecurities. Learn how wonderful you are, and remove the need to hurt others. Others do not have to be put down for you to feel great. You have something wonderful to offer the world. The accomplishments of others do not change the God-given potential for your life. Stop criticizing or correcting others when it is not your business to do so, and you will notice an immediate change in the demeanor of others around you.

Are your actions messing up your interactions?  Figure out what causes grief in your communication. Stop the behavior. Change your life today. You can do it!

Patricia

 

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 20 Comments »

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Your Secret To Positive Thinking

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

People are talking about it. It is on the news, in documentaries, on the radio, and in person. As the awareness spreads, more people are taking charge of life, and talking about positive thinking. As the world wakes up from self-pity and despair, it recognizes the power of the mind to impact the future. There are classic books to inspire you (such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking), and modern works that hightlight speakers who tell the world how to effect change (such as the Law of Attraction movie and book The Secret). I get excited anytime people want to talk about creating a better life. It fits exactly with the theme of A Better You Blog.

The Law of Attraction goes along with this approach to life: whatever you think about will happen. My view on the Law of Attraction can be seen in my article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I believe you do attract most of what you experience, but that life happens in balance, and there are ways to apply any theory to the extreme. While I agree positive thinking creates and attracts positive outcomes, God also gave people free will. The choice to do good or to do harm to others impacts everyone. Some find it comforting to believe in a false security that everything can be controlled, but the unexpected does happen. It is what you do next that determines your level of success.

Seize the rewards you attract with confidence and overcome both the difficulties that you attract and those few that come despite your best efforts. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You hurt, you heal, you move on, and you triumph over adversity and into greatness. Do not allow the 1% you cannot control to dominate the other 99% of your life, but focus on the 99% you can control, attract the success you desire, and create a better you. You can dream your way to the life you want: believe your goals are within your grasp, and work hard to create amazing success.

God has a unique plan for you. How do positive thoughts help you achieve your life’s purpose? Dream, imagine, and achieve. Do it today!

Inspire others with your own positive thoughts in the comments section with one or all of these:

Share a quote that motivates you or is meaningful (and who said it).
Tell how positive thinking changed your life (in big or small ways).
Cite your favorite motivating books- what do you read that stirs your soul to action?

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 14 Comments »

How To Know Who You Are In 20 Minutes

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

Your choices are based on your identity, yet every choice you make determines who you are. The identity you construct yields decisions, attitudes, and actions that are puzzle pieces of your life, which fit together intricately to create a beautiful mosaic that is you. What will your picture reveal? Will you be proactive in life, or allow others to take you along for the ride? It is easy to figure out who you are: you are who you create yourself to be, who you become, even at this moment. Every decision you make contributes a piece to the art of your existence. Search endlessly to find who you are, and your masterpiece will be filled with longing, existential angst, wandering, and aimlessness. Decide to create a better you, to design yourself around your desires, priorities, beliefs, and giftings, and you will see the masterpiece that is meant to be. Complete the exercise below and you will know who you are so you can decide who you want to be and what your life will say.

By choosing to act in alignment with your core self and follow what path you have chosen, you are already making changes. You may not be who you will become, but you are not who you once were. So who are you becoming today? If you find your identity in others, your self-esteem and sense of worth will be dependent on their choices and leadings. If instead you recognize that you are an original, then act like it.

To construct a masterpiece work of art, there are defining lines and shadows. Without the contrast, the beauty and starkness of the image is lost. Contrast allows for the vivid colors to stand out as beautiful as the designer intended. Dark shadows, like hard times, can color a portion of our journey. Will you allow your dark shadows to define you, or will you rise above and make the statement you were intended to contribute to the world? You have a vivid, brilliant image to create, so do not get stuck filling your canvas with shadows and miss the masterpiece waiting to emerge from them. Decide today to move beyond your circumstances.

The other day my 15-month-old baby was walking and fell by our brick fireplace. She split her lip and it was bleeding. I think her tears hurt me more than her, because I rushed to comfort her and tell her it would be okay. As I held her, I reassured her that it would be “all better” soon. Suddenly she jumped up as if everything was fine, and took off running past the fireplace to play. I remember thinking, why can’t we do that in life? Get comfort, take courage, then try again. Instead, we are often like my in-law’s dog was around pools. Once as a younger puppy she had fallen into the pool during winter, and the cold water scared her (she was immediately rescued). For the rest of her years, she was hesitant around the pool, and refused to even consider getting in again. How do you handle life? Do you structure your identity around hurts or blows, or do you move on despite your past? You are not defined by what happens to you, but by how you respond to the happenings of life.

If your life were an open book, would people care to read it? Does your belief system sway with the wind? Are you manipulated by motivational speeches from fast-talkers with empty, shallow promises that do not deliver (but often cost you money)? Do you think your identity depends solely on your career or other accolades? Does your life’s journey need a compass and a map, or do you know where you are and where you are headed? Are you confident in who you are? Here is how to determine your identity:

This exercise requires you to be honest. If you are answering what others want to hear, you will not be seeing yourself, but a superficial image you project. Be real with yourself as you do this and you will discover the richness of your existence! It is that simple, but it is not easy. It requires the courage to be honest, and recognize you will find areas for change. Get out a paper and writing implement, and be ready to write (a computer will do, but writing by hand can trigger more creativity).

1. Beliefs: What are your beliefs? Begin writing down the first thing that you think about, and continue to write on each of these belief system components until you feel your answer is complete (or force yourself to stop at 5 minutes for this first round, and to address each part with at least a few sentences). Think about what drives your moral compass, brings you strength, what values contribute to your sense of worth and your life philosophy. Here are the three components:

beliefs about God and your spiritual life
beliefs about yourself: what messages you send mentally, physically, and emotionally
beliefs about life: how you fit into the world (your purpose), attitude, outlook, and what character traits you value

2. Personality: What traits are contained in your unique and special personality? Take 5 minutes to find and record descriptive words about yours. I have included a handy way to answer this in less than 5 minutes. God designed us all differently. Can you imagine if everyone wanted to be in charge of little details, and there were no people to see the big picture? What if everyone was a great listener, but nobody could think of anything to say? Your personality is filled with a unique combination of traits that can be used for bettering yourself and others, or for tearing yourself and others down. A person gifted in organization, for example, can choose to be domineering and manipulative, or can choose to better others with encouragement as they see the big picture and help complete projects.

Knowing your personality and giftings can help you understand areas for change, and can help you feel proud of who God made you to be. If you have never taken a personality profile test, they can be fun to try, so why not do one now? Remember, be honest. Here is a link to one I found via a google search. It is free, easy to do, and gives quick results (it took me about two minutes to answer). Give it a try! When you return, I will share my results with you too (and we will get to the most important part of this exercise!). If anyone would like to suggest another test, I am happy to review it and add it to this list (there are also excellent personality profiles tests in print). http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Are you back? What did you find out? Do you see yourself described in the results? You may only identify with part of the description, or you may feel you are more of a combination of two descriptions. If you are puzzled by the results, did you answer the questions honestly, or did you answer as you thought you should (rather than how you really feel)? Select the words that best describe your personality and write them down.

If anyone is curious, I scored as INFJ, and I especially liked the description by Butt and Hess (linked on the results page). It is amazing when you see parts of you described! Now, while some personality-types are eager to analyze and assess their strengths and qualities, there are other personalities that see it as a waste of time, or that hate to be labeled and “put into a box”. I suspect if that is you, you skipped the test and continued to read- am I right? No problem, you have only proven my point. People have different personalities, and this diversity is what makes life interesting.

3. Actions: Take 5 minutes to list how this identity manifests itself in actions by recording your:

priorities, interests, hobbies, talents, and giftings
influence and initiative
coping skills/ how you manage adversity
accomplishments and goals
relationships

The most important finishing touch on your identity will use up the last 5 minutes: now that you have figured out who you are, create who you want to be by making changes immediately. Look at the results. Your beliefs, your personality, and your resulting actions all merge together as pieces of your puzzle. This is how you perceive yourself, which in turn, determines how you portray yourself. Consider what you wrote that is negative. Are your messages about yourself, for example, truly who you are, or are they a product of allowing external circumstances or events to darken your internal perception? One quick way to do this is to mark those you can change with a star (or colored pen), and those you cannot change with a different symbol or color. The ones you can change are often accurate, and the ones you cannot change are often negative messages you have internalized that are not who you truly are. Do not believe lies propagated on you because of trauma or hardship. See who you really want to be, and become that person today.

Now comes the most important step: take the negative messages you can change and re-write them as positive. Instead of writing you are a “victim”, be a “survivor”. Change “miserable alcoholic” to “recovering alcoholic with one day of triumphant sobriety”. Rather than “hot-tempered”, be a “person of strong convictions who no longer takes out anger on others or yourself”. Instead of “a failure in business”, be a “successful entrepreneur, with some failed startups that are teaching you as you improve your business plan”. Change “lonely and alone” to someone “determined to face fear, meet new people, knowing you have a lot to contribute to a relationship” (pick a social group that aligns with your beliefs and get involved today). Instead of “stupid” (a message you tell yourself because of others’ opinion, perhaps?), say “I may not have the best grades, but if they gave out grades I would get an A+ in ____”. Instead of “I’m ugly”, record what is beautiful about you.

This is an initial picture of you. To go deeper, repeat this exercise. Do this process again and again until you feel proud of your big picture. In an instant, with determination to change, you have changed yourself. “As a man thinketh, so is he” Proverbs 23:7. Change your perception and your reality changes. Tell yourself you are hopeless and you feel hopeless. Tell yourself you can do it, and you will. Be optimistic! Phil. 4:8-9. God says to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2, so figure out what messages are in your mind through this exercise, and change the negative thoughts to positive today.

You may leave your results in sentence or list form, rewrite it into a poem, create a collage of words (like a tag cloud of your life) or images to represent you, or even create an audio or video recording as a keepsake for loved ones to cherish. Be proud of who you are, and if you are not, then become who you can be proud of, and do it today.

I am a fighter. I have made it through significant trauma in childhood, I have overcome a life-threatening eating disorder, and I have changed how I perceive the world and myself to live confident in who I am and why I am here. My canvas is covered with beautiful vibrant colors, and an emerging pattern that I can only describe as uniquely me. The shadows and lines give it focus as accents (but do not dominate the image), and I am better for them. I welcome each new stroke whether dark or light, as I face the world from my life philosophy. I know God is my guiding compass, and the Bible is my map. In knowing who I am, I also know what I need to change, and I keep my eye on the prize. I strive to be more like God everyday, helping others when opportunities arise, and staying sure in God’s love for me so I have love to give. What about you? Are you confident in who you are? Get to know yourself again, and find ways to become a better you.

Patricia

Posted in a higher power, attitude, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 11 Comments »

Eating Disorder Recovery, 14 Years Free: You Can Break From Addictions Or Bad Habits Too!

Thursday, September 28th, 2006

Freedom is amazing. My emotions no longer dictate my behavior, and my circumstances no longer control my response. I choose each day to live free, and my life is an amazing adventure for it. I used to be trapped by an eating disorder, confined to self-degrading thoughts whenever I felt hungry. I never understood that food is fuel, and nothing more. Instead, food was an escape, a refuge, and a reward. Diets enslaved me, and the desire for control consumed me. I looked successful on the outside, but I was dying on the inside. That changed over fourteen years ago, and my journey to wholeness has changed my entire perspective on life. I love life, I seize every opportunity, and I choose to live each day as required to be proud of who I am. I truly love how God has made me.

Before recovery, I worked hard to hide my struggles, because I did not want to admit there was anything wrong. I was hurting, but I never let it show. I was a successful overachiever, friendly, outgoing, a hospital volunteer, and a straight-A student. My public life was thriving, but in private, I was deteriorating rapidly. As my eating disorder progressed, so did my physical symptoms, and I felt my body grow weaker. But I was determined to make it. I knew of no other way to cope. I was crying out for attention, abusing my body, forcing my train up a hill on a path leading to a brick wall. If nothing had changed my course, my life would have ended. But God showed me a way out, and I realized that my bulimia (and anorexic behavior) was putting my life in danger. I got help, and my life has never been the same.

Our society encourages using food as entertainment, comfort, and consolation. This programming begins early. We are trained to “pig out” for fun or fellowship, skip meals to demonstrate self-control, and eat fast food fast. It is easy to take these messages to the extreme. In my pain and low self-image, I quickly learned to measure my success or failure in life against my ability to deprive my body of its desire for food. I hated my body because of past trauma, and I felt I could never be good enough in anyone’s eyes. For me, food reinforced that hatred. I grew up in church and always believed in keeping my body healthy, so I never drank alcohol, smoked, or did drugs. In my eating disorder, I never took laxatives, diet pills, or any other substance, believing that meant I did not have a real problem. My use of food, however, was still extremely destructive. It is interesting that many Christians, and anyone else who tries to avoid unhealthy practices, often use food in the same way as any other vice. Food becomes comfort, when it really is designed to be sustenance.

Temporarily, food comforts as it masks your pain. During the awkward teenage years, that are already difficult for anyone, I was living with no way to deal with my circumstances and feelings of worthlessness from my trauma. All I could do was stuff them down, way down. Obsession with diets and food happened naturally, and soon became how I coped. I was a skinny girl, but I felt huge. Rather than deal with what was really bothering me at a given moment, I could focus on how fat I felt, how awful I was for eating anything, or how strong I was for skipping a meal. My eating disorder became my coping mechanism, but rather than helping me through life’s difficulties, it was burying me deeper. I am grateful to it, however, not for what it was, but for who I am after emerging from it.

I am grateful that it happened because I needed a way out and I found it. I am grateful because I am a stronger person for having beaten it. I am grateful because it forced me to realize that I can rationalize almost anything and that does not make it true. No matter how much I wanted to think I was in control, I was not. No matter how much I thought I could handle food, I could not. I had to get help to stop it, and it changed my life. For over fourteen years I have followed an eating plan, maintained a healthy weight for my size 6 frame, and enjoyed exercise in moderation. My plan includes three meals and one snack a day, and no refined sugar. I now live a balanced life. I no longer think about food until it is time to eat, and I no longer beat myself up over what I eat. I know how to eat healthy and I choose to do so to live my best life, free of addictive behavior. I have no problem eating in front of anyone, regardless of their opinions about what I eat. I eat to live, not live to eat. I have learned to enjoy what life has to offer, and I eat nutritiously so that I have the most energy to face the day. I love my body, I love who I am (imperfections and all), and I love seeing my children feel confident about themselves as I demonstrate this healthy attitude. I know the warning signs to watch out for, and I keep myself accountable to those closest to me so I stay healthy and free. And I stay on my plan, determined to keep food in its proper place, no matter what. I do not believe relapse has to be a part of recovery, not if you believe you are worth what waits for you on this side of freedom. This is what recovery looks like: when that which once controlled you no longer holds power over your life.

I used to live as Paul described in Romans 7:19 in the Bible: “…the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.” Before eating disorder recovery, I would wake up thinking today would be different, but it never was. I broke promises to myself all the time. While we all must remember the “Golden Rule” (do to others as you would have them do to you), the people-pleaser in me needed to learn the reverse: treat myself as good as I treat others (keep promises I make to myself, or do not make them at all). To effect real change, I had to realize that I deserved better treatment, and it started with how I treated myself. I determined to act as if I believed God still had hope for me, and in time, I learned it was true. I had to make a decision to trust God for help, and then to go get the help. I am grateful to those who encouraged me in recovery and who helped me face life with courage and learn to manage stress differently. Now my deepest desire is to help others have the strength and determination to live happy, healthy, successful, and truly free.

What do you turn to when crisis hits? What do you do with your emotions when faced with life’s storms? Do you have any habits, addictions, or patterns of behavior that are somehow robbing you of your best life? Are you taking away years of your future, destroying your present, running from your past? There is no easy instant fix. You can stop the destructive behavior, but you must process the festering mess underneath trying to take you back to it. You can do it. Get past your past, and stay in the present. You really can break this cycle and be free. “Crisis is what brings you closer to the place where your heart is pointed.” (Rev. G. Gregg). If you are not anchored in and pointed somewhere, you could be headed into a brick wall. Plot your course or it will be plotted for you. Live courageously and face your fear today. Break free. It truly is life-changing, and will lead you to a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

4 Secrets to Time Management That Define You: is Your Strategy Skyrocketing You to Success or Stopping You Cold?

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

Whatever your image of success, time management is at its core. Do not let time pass you by, but rather take charge of your time and pass it deliberately. Do not be distracted by the frivolous, nor be manipulated into what only appears worthwhile on the surface. Here are four secrets to overhauling your time management approach that will determine if you achieve greatness or live a life of regret. Be the 1% of people who accomplish greatness and reap the benefits of 99% of the world’s success. You are in control of your life and God has given you a vision of the amazing future you can create, if you only manage your time wisely. Do not let a moment be wasted by laziness, missed opportunities, or improper planning. Seize the day and make it count. Here is how to change your life, one minute at a time.

Secret #1: Be in the moment, every moment. Are you thinking in the present, one minute at a time? Successful people keep their eye on the task at hand. If a task does not merit your full attention, then it is not worth doing. Do you make those around you feel special by giving them your full attention? Your children, your spouse, even your clients can tell if you think them worthy of your efforts and focus. Show them your true priorities by giving your best. If, at any moment, you are consumed by frustrations over a past event, or dwelling on worries of a future deadline, you are not making efficient use of your time. Your life is an overloaded train poorly performing at reduced speed. How can you speed up your success? By releasing worries over what you cannot control, and facing challenges without distraction. By staying in the moment, you will lower stress, accomplish exponential growth in productivity, and enjoy a more peaceful existence as you confidently complete each task.

Secret #2: Make every moment productive. Instead of wishing for more hours in your day, create more day in your hours. Get up early, get started with strength for the day ahead, and you will see immediate results. I recall when I first put this into practice. While not a “morning person” at heart, I decided to rise early enough to have quiet devotion time every morning, and to have extra hours to accomplish my goals for the day. The first thing in the morning I prayed, strategized about my day, envisioned the big picture, and even added some exercise to get my adrenaline going. I was amazed at how it changed my entire day! I felt better, had a better attitude, was more confident, and accomplished more before lunch than at any other time. Take an extra 30 minutes to an hour in the morning to situate yourself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally for the day. Starting with quiet time will increase productivity immediately, lower stress levels, and help you be more prepared for the unexpected. Then get to work, and see how far you go!

Laziness does not yield success. What are you accomplishing right now, and why? Are you putting off today what you will only dread tomorrow? “If you ever want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, simply put it off” (Olin Miller). Successful people take care of what is important immediately. Efficient time management dictates that you conquer your fear and live courageously, completing what matters most as soon as you can, not as late as possible. Procrastination is what limits success in your future and lessens happiness in your present. Procrastination is the author of regret. There are different forms of productivity to your life: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, and they all need attention in balance.

Secret #3: Balance your life: There is a beautiful illustration of balance in time management that has been formed into many analogies, from a pickle jar to a biscuit barrel, to name a few. Stephen Covey uses one such illustration. This is a shortened variation of the popular story, which makes a crucial point: take care of first things first. For those who like to follow along while doing the exercise and live the experience, you will need a large jar, some large rocks, some pebbles, some sand, and some water. On each large rock (10-12 of them, depending on your jar size), write something important to you, a major priority in life (such as a deadline, a goal, an event, clients, loved ones).

Now imagine you are sitting by rocks and sand in front of a beautiful ocean (no surprise why I picked the beach setting). In your hand you have a large empty jar. Fill it with lots of sand until it is completely full. Sand includes all the little things you have to do. Now pour a lot of pebbles onto the sand, and try to fit as many as you can, until you can fit no more. Pebbles represent what you enjoy in life. Now try to add your large rocks. How many can you fit before they spill over? Few, if any. As you imagine this (or better yet, do this), think of ways your life resembles your jar. Are you trying to squeeze the major rocks into an already full jar, hoping it all holds together for one more day? Are there important matters and people who seem to get the leftovers of your time?

Let’s try it again. Empty the jar into a bowl (you will use the ingredients again). This time, pick up as many large rocks as you can and place them in the empty jar. Now add even a few more on the top. Notice you can fit even more than you expected, when the important parts of life go in first! Next, pick your small pebbles out of the sand and add them to the jar. Add as many pebbles as you can until the jar is full again (it is okay to shake the jar until they fit). Do you see how many more pebbles fit this time? You get more joy out of life when these “happiness” pebbles come next. Now, add your sand. Pour in as much sand as you can until the jar is full. Notice how the sand seeps in to the very bottom, surrounding all the empty spaces?

The sand represents all those chores that have to get done, and rather than taking up your whole life, can easily fit in between the rocks and pebbles. Notice how much your jar weighs. Lastly, pour in water, filling the jar until it can hold no more. Now lift the jar. Feel the difference? Water represents all the ways you allow burdens, worry, and stress to seep in and weigh you down. Your jar is your life: what is yours saying? Are you made of sand and water (with a little rocks and pebbles in the way) or are you made of rocks and pebbles (with sand filling the empty parts and the occasional water seeped in)?

Successful people are not always busy, and busy people are not always successful. How you handle balancing the rocks, pebbles, and sand of your life can propel you towards success or stop you cold. Live a balanced life. Are you letting your time be wasted? Technology can be your avenue to prosperity or it can siphon the life out of you and your prospects for the future. You decide which it is for your life every minute you spend connected to the world wide web, watching tv, reading, going to the movies. Be sure your habits fit in balance with your life strategy. Your body will run as well as you treat it. Are you running it down with bad habits now, draining it of a future? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating right? Your body is a machine and needs regular nutritious fuel (and rest) for optimum performance.

Every day should contain time for business, refreshment (play, rest, eat), strategy (reflection on the big picture, goals, priorities, self-improvement, confidence, and spiritual strength), chores (the sand), and relationships. How you handle these components of your time defines who you are.

My husband is a successful attorney (talk about a stressful job!), and he has taught me the value of laughter and fun in everyday life. After dealing with life changing experiences in clients all day, he makes a point of seeking out humor, usually by at least catching jokes on one of the late shows every night. With the variety of jokes, you are bound to find something funny, and it is a great way to relax and have fun together. Laughter is truly a great medicine.

Do you spend enough time with loved ones? My three children love it when daddy gets home. No matter what kind of day he has had, they know that by bedtime, he will come up with something fun to do. Sometimes it is a game of hide-and-seek, other times they wrestle, or play “monster”. They feel important by his time and attention, and it gives him a way to bond with his children while he unwinds from his day. Do you let your children see you have fun? I laugh with my children, my friends, and my spouse as often as possible.

Do you have intimate time with your spouse daily? I am not just talking about sex (although that is a great idea too). If you are too busy or too tired for sexual intimacy, still reinforce the emotional bond daily. My husband and I love to hold each other in bed every night and enjoy the warmth of knowing we are there for each other. We also take time to hear about our day, cultivating the friendship. Do you spend time talking with those closest to you? If not a spouse, a friend? Give yourself time for friendships that last.

Secret #4: Say no. It is not selfish to say no, but rather is a healthy form of time management that draws others in. When you overbook your schedule, you say to your commitments” you are not worth my best effort”. Saying no tells others you know your limits and abilities, and you can be trusted to do what you promise. Being trustworthy is an effective tool to keep loyal clients, and a great parenting tip for building strong relationships with your children. Be a person of integrity, and do what you say.

Keep your focus on the big rocks to determine what to throw out. Are you keeping busy hoping to make it somehow, or are you focused on a goal and guiding yourself to it with every minute you spend? Every action accomplishes some goal, the question you must ask yourself is what goal is this action taking you towards. Your schedule defines your priorities, and your priorities define you. Why you choose your big rocks is often as important as what they are and how you deal with them. Do you have a grasp on your life purpose, and are you seeking ways to contribute to the world with your talents and your giftings? Have a strong foundation anchored in to succeed through the storms of life.

Pass your time wisely. If you live in the moment, stay productive, balanced, and live according to your priorities, you will succeed in your life’s purpose.

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, play, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management | 8 Comments »

How to Be Happy: Attend to Your Four Core Components and Find True Happiness

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006

Are you happy? Do you love your life? Are you excited about every day’s possibilities? Sometimes in hurrying to a destination people neglect to enjoy the journey. The endless quest for true happiness often frustrates, and misplaced focus brings futile attempts to find the joy that is missing from life. You are not trapped by your circumstances, and your happiness does not rest with others: you can decide whether you will live happy and free, and you can do it today. You are an amazing person with something incredible to offer to this life, created with four main areas crying out to be satisfied. Balance these four core parts integral to your being, take a determined stance to succeed, and you can achieve true happiness. Make small steps and see great change, and do it now.

Happiness is not unattainable nor is it impossible: you truly can be happy. It is not selfish to desire to be happy. If you live to help others, to give of yourself, you need to have motivation, energy, and a zeal for life to spread as you give back to the world. Happiness will be a wellspring of enthusiasm from which you can continue your journey, excited about every moment. These practical steps to happiness in each of your four compartments can help speed you along. You will have a sense of calm in the midst of the storms of life, and you can be happy with yourself and be real, both inside and out.

Your life is a train ride, and happiness will come when the train is moving freely and effectively. When one compartment is weighed down by excess baggage, it slows down the whole train. You may be partly happy, or somewhat satisfied with life, but there could be so much more! Are you functioning at optimum speed, or are there areas of your being that could be happier? Do you feel fulfilled, confident, and excited to start each day? If the brakes are pulled on one compartment, or if the wheels stop turning altogether, the train will go slower, and will not be able to make it up the hills of life. Without momentum, it stops. Like The Little Train That Could, determined to make it and affirming himself with “I think I can, I think I can” until he did it, you need to know you CAN do it! You can face life and travel your journey successful and happy. Do it today!

I used to be so deeply unhappy. There were moments of laughter, moments that made me smile, and I maintained an overall pleasant countenance to those around me. But deep in my core I was restless, frustrated, and losing hope for any kind of true joy in life. I knew that I had a purpose for living and that God had plans for me to accomplish my purpose, but I felt inadequate and insecure about who I was and how I could help other people. On the outside I appeared successful and happy. I was earning straight A’s in my classes, volunteering at a hospital, and living as a people-pleaser, sacrificing any of my desires to try desperately to fulfill the expectations of others, and chastising myself when I fell short of my perfectionist expectations. I was distraught, traumatized, and insecure. I was flooring it on empty. I thought I had it all under control, but my life’s journey was severely out of balance, and its train ride was slowly being derailed.

My eating disorder was getting more serious everyday, but I did not know how to stop. It was my coping mechanism for life’s ups and downs, and I did not know how to replace it with healthy living. I had built up hurt and baggage from years of pain, and it was weighing me down. When alone with myself, the disquiet of my spirit showed me I had to change. I so desperately wanted to be at peace, truly happy, feeling satisfaction and fulfilling God’s purpose for my life.

I realized that my hopes and dreams would never be fulfilled on the self-destructive path that I was taking. One day, I woke up, saw the beautiful sun shining, felt God giving me strength, and took charge of my out-of-control train of a life: I got back on track. For the first time, I trusted my own inner voice and listened to what I felt God was telling me: get help, get it now, and get better. Start to live. You can do it! The decision to not only survive but to overcome was a monumental one because it was the start of a journey to wholeness and health, to reframing how I see the world, and to loving each moment of this precious life God has given me.

Today I am genuinely happy. I am free like never before. There are moments of sorrow, and difficult times are a part of life, but at my core, I am truly excited about life and happy to experience all of it, finding joy in everything possible. I make an effort to laugh everyday, to take pleasure in the tiniest things on my journey, and I work to not miss the precious moments of joy that happen along the way. Over fourteen years ago I changed my life, and I live happy and on track- and my happiness increases as I continue to learn how to enjoy the process and the journey. You can too! Focusing on these four components to your being will provide you a practical guide to explore where you are happy, ways your happiness is being hindered, and how to easily gain momentum and instantly experience a better and happier you.

Component #1: Mental- Follow your purpose and find your place

Your brain is intricately designed, and is like no other product I can think of: the more you use it, the more it improves, and the less you use it, the more it deteriorates. This epitomizes the expression use it or lose it. Your intellect is yearning to be challenged, to create, and to contribute your talents to the world. Happiness is often out of reach when this compartment is suppressed or denied. Are you yearning to curl up with a good book? Make time. Do you dream of attending school or learning a new trade? Start now. Do you want to start your own business, or change careers? Why wait- the world is waiting for you. Are you aching to learn how to heal from your past, to learn the keys to a better future, and to achieve the greatness you are called to make happen? Then gain speed and momentum today, and boost your journey forward. You can do it!

True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.-Helen Keller

Happiness will not be found in fleeting accolades, but in accomplishing what fulfills your true life’s purpose. Are you setting goals, both short term and long term? Do you dream your dreams, and imagine the future you desire, or do you suppress your natural desire for imagination and creativity and focus mostly on your frustrations over a monotonous area of your life? Even if your current daily activities are tedious, can you see the big picture? This can motivate you to complete your task, no matter how small, and press on for the goal, no matter how big.

If there is no big picture, then find one and make every moment count. I remember working in a lab during college and having to record hours of data which required repetitive actions. The work was interesting to me but it was tiring. I persevered, partly because I was interested in the final results, and mostly because I knew it was temporary and would yield course credit. Now, years later as I am writing my dissertation to earn a Ph.D., I am faced with analyzing hours of data yet again. This time the big picture is extremely gratifying, as I am motivated and eager to see the final results, to complete my degree, and to contribute to the professional world with my conclusions. Train your brain to exemplify the qualities of character that you aspire to hold.

Historians and Biblical scholars agree that Jesus spent about thirty years of life preparing for a comparatively short time of ministry (from one to twelve years of recorded ministry, depending on who you ask).We can learn a lesson from his journey. Train, prepare, plan, envision your future, and then do it. Are you genuinely stuck in a rut and needing to return your train to its tracks, are you on the right path but forgetting why you are going there, or are you chugging along at a slow pace and needing a boost of energy? Mental happiness is found when you have a purpose for your journey, you know where you are headed, and you are taking steps forward while facing the challenges each moment of the journey brings.

With discipline and determination you can teach yourself patience, endurance, focus, and commitment. Align your actions with your priorities and stay true to the real you. Make a conscious choice to affirm yourself and your abilities, rather than berate yourself for mistakes. Remember that most every great invention or success story occurred after repeated attempts and failures. The only way to succeed is to keep trying until you get it right. If you give up, you will never get there. Hang on, pull up, and get moving towards your goals. Your brain is a remarkable device just waiting to assist you on your journey. Use it or lose it. Have you heard the saying that success is ten percent inspiration, and ninety percent perspiration? This means it takes effort, and achievement will bring great joy.

Component #2: Physical- Be nice to your body

One day I heard someone say to listen to my body. It brought an amazing revelation to my view of life: your body lets you know when it is happy! Are you robbing your body of happiness because you neglect or ignore its messages? Your body is crying out to you- do you know what it is saying? If you have intestinal difficulties, do you sit in one place all day? If you wake up feeling “blah”, did you load up on starchy carbohydrates right before bed the night before? If you find yourself slow to get started in the morning, do you have a regular sleep pattern? Your nerve endings are designed to trigger pain to tell you something. In this world of instant medication we often forget to discover the reason behind our suffering, pain, or exhaustion. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you living an active lifestyle? Do you eat foods that give you energy or drag you down? Do you take care of yourself and get regular checkups from your doctor?

Two main keys to a happy body:

1. Live an active lifestyle. Remember when airlines used to allow certain pets onboard trapped in a small cage and stowed under your seat? Well, they did. The poor dears were stuck so tightly they could not even turn around. Are you a couch potato, confining your poor body like a caged animal on a cross-country flight, hoping for the moment the door is opened? Every pet owner knows the thrill of letting their sweet animal free to run in a park. Won’t you extend at least the same courtesy to yourself?

You were designed to roam free, and your body aches for movement. Doctors will tell you that exercise and activity provide phenomenal benefits to you: increase your metabolism, lower blood pressure, reduce stress and tension, elevate your mood, and help improve your sex life. Are you used to a sedentary lifestyle? Start small and you will notice quick improvements: even walking 20 minutes a day will lead to weight loss and an overall improvement in your feeling well. Whether you walk at the mall, go jogging in the park, play a sport, or work out at a gym, get moving!

Exercise through your adversity. President John F. Kennedy lived a life of extreme back pain. Despite numerous life-threatening back surgeries, he suffered immensely. With the help of Dr. Hans Kraus and a regular exercise regimen, he fought through his pain and improved his quality of life to where he could lift up his boy for the first time, and once again swing a golf club. The doctor’s papers reveal that exercise played a huge role in his physical successes, and if his life had not been cut short, may have championed a national exercise campaign. Set a goal today to push past your excuses and get some extra exercise- commit to be nicer to your body today!

Unless a doctor prohibits it, you were made for physical activity. Once in elementary school my teacher wanted us to jog around the field. I thought this was an impossible task for me, because I was not used to any formal exercise. I was tall and skinny, and fully capable of running, but I just could not do it. My friend and I both tried, then stopped. Tried, then stopped. We took a lower grade on the assignment and it bothered the perfectionist in me.

When I talked with my mother about it, she explained that our bodies just were not cut out for physical exercise. Our genes were just not made for real exercise. I felt better, and assumed she was right. My mom was right about many, many things, as are most moms. But on this, she was wrong. I discovered not only was I capable of exercise, I really enjoyed it! If you want true change in any area, question your assumptions. At first I felt it would be disrespect to even consider that my mom could be so wrong. I quickly learned that parents (hopefully) try their best, but no one is perfect. As a mother of three children, I hope my kids grow up to embrace life, face the world, and succeed. I also hope my children are wise enough to rise beyond my imperfections and live their best. Gain a new perspective on life as you consider some of your assumptions and reframe how you see the world around you.

2. Balanced and healthy intake: What you eat and what you drink have a huge impact on who you are and what you accomplish. Numerous studies support this assertion, including studies on juvenile offenders that show greater than twenty percent reduction (and up to fifty percent reduction) in antisocial and violent behavior when healthy foods and drinks replace junk food snacks and foods loaded with refined sugar.

Your body will be happier when you eat to live, not live to eat. Are you taking good care of your body by what you put into it, like an expensive luxury vehicle, or are you feeding it junk food and running on whatever prepackaged chemical snack you could get at the closest vending machine? Don?t treat your body like a rental car, giving it the cheapest gas and roughest treatment. It is your only body- give it the luxury treatment for the most mileage!? What are you giving your body to sustain it? Parents especially need to model this for their children. Teach them to view food as energy, and to care for their bodies as best as they can. Here is a best bet guide that I live by for maximum energy.

My main eating plan consists of keeping my blood sugar level by eating frequent, small, healthy, and balanced meals which leave me satisfied and energized to face the tasks ahead. Some tips for treating your body as royalty are as follows. Try changing just a few of these and you will see a significant change in your energy. Follow all of these suggestions and you will notice remarkable results. When I stopped my unhealthy eating I committed to an eating plan and overnight saw dramatic results. No longer did I see food as comfort or entertainment, but rather as fuel for my focus. As I grew in self-confidence I also desired to care for myself in the best way possible. With each small change, I saw both immediate and long-term benefits: and you can too!

Rather than eating two or three large meals, eat regularly, four to five times per day, and eat smaller meals. Learn to listen to your body. Do not deprive yourself of basic nutrition, but then when you are full, stop eating. If you are unsure, then HALT: are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? This classic saying I learned about food is to remind yourself to eat only when you are truly hungry. Eat balanced meals. Be sure to get enough protein, fruits, and vegetables throughout the day. Eat fiber. Limit your starchy carbohydrates, and avoid white flour (such as white bread).

Make every bite count. Find foods with nutrients that fuel your body and keep your mind alert, rather than fill it with empty calories. Eliminate refined sugar from your diet. I have gone fourteen years now without eating cake, desserts. And sugary sweets, and I do not miss them at all! Eat as natural as you can. A good rule of thumb is if a product has ingredients you cannot pronounce or do not understand, then do not eat it! If you can afford it, buy organic. Look for meats without hormones or preservatives. Avoid processed lunch meats and other foods full of nitrates: these are known to cause cancer, just like the artificial sweetener saccharin (avoid artificial sweeteners).

Eat in moderation. Do not omit fat or carbohydrates from your eating plan, but do not overload your body with them. Choose healthier fats, such as olive oil. Do not drink or smoke: care about your health and your body, and avoid these toxins. Drink plenty of water. I usually drink between 8-10 8 ounce glasses of water per day (during each of my three pregnancies, I drank up to twelve glasses per day to keep appropriately hydrated). Water is extremely important. You change the oil in your car periodically, so why not flush out the toxins in your system? Your body is crying out for water to cleanse and refresh you.

Wondering if caffeine is affecting you? Cut out your caffeine intake for a week, and see if you feel the effects of withdrawal to answer this question. Usually you will notice headaches or fatigue, among other things. Get through these first few days without it, and you will notice the feeling of a cloud lifting over you. I have spent many years without caffeine. Occasionally I will intake caffeine, but I know now how my body responds to it, so I try to avoid it.

Component #3: Emotional- Experience life

True emotional happiness comes from living a balanced life, managing stress, and living in the present, at peace with who you are and what you do.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Mahatma Gandhi.

The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances. Martha Washington.

Within this emotional component, there are four keys to making yourself happy.

1. Be honest with yourself. Get to know how you really feel inside. What bothers you and why? Do you have any unpacked baggage weighing down your life train’s emotional compartment? Unpack it today to lighten your load and gain further momentum. Are you plagued with worry about what was or what is to come? Can you focus on the moment, and notice small pleasures around you? Do you have hurt that needs to heal? Are there relationships that unsettle your spirit, that need distancing or mending? Take action today. Much of our emotional unsettling is due to selfishness. Are you being considerate, thinking of the other person’s perspective? Live as a generous person, in all you do. Be self-confident and live to be proud of who you are, the real you. Take risks and develop lasting relationships and friendships.

2. Gain perspective. It is said that perception is reality and reality is perception. Law school students often have a lesson in perception when two individuals burst through the door of their classroom during a lecture, engage in a brief altercation, and then leave. The students are then asked to record what happened on paper, which are almost always extremely varied accounts of what occurred. In one situation, for example, most agreed one person was beating up on another, but recorded that the boy was beating on the girl, when in fact, it was the other way around. Their assumptions skewed their interpretations and impressions of the event. To some degree this is true of your emotional core. Conflict, insecurity, and life’s ups and downs leave an emotional imprint.

To help you gain perspective, read any old journals you have kept, and notice what was bothering you the most in the past. How did that work itself out? Was your worry or frustration proportionate to the situation, or was it exaggerated to some degree? Like mirrors in a carnival fun house, emotions have a way of distorting the lens through which we view our circumstances. Learn from your past, step back and take an aerial view of your life’s hurdles, and consider if there is any wound or troubles that you perceive to be greater than they are.

Conversely, is there an area of hurt where you are neglecting to heal? Left untreated, deep wounds can become infected and soon spread throughout the body. Are you bleeding profusely and treating it with a small bandaid, or ignoring it altogether? Triage yourself today, and start to heal.

3. Take responsibility. You cannot control how you feel (although after you gain perspective you can control much of how you feel), but you can control how you respond. Will you numb out, losing the ability to feel the good with the bad? Will you build up your anger and resentment until you take it out on someone else? Doing this only allows those who hurt you to keep hurting you.

Enough is enough, release that hold today. Take small steps. Choose one item to change about your character and your emotional self, and start now. One small splash in a pond creates a large ripple through the current. Do you raise your voice at your children? Promise to lower it when upset instead. Experts will tell you that a soft spoken firm word commands more respect and gets faster results than a raised voice every time. Do you dredge up the past or use hurtful words when disagreeing with your spouse? Commit to having a ‘fair fight’ from now on, keeping a focus only on the present. Do you berate yourself for small mistakes, neglecting to affirm yourself? Vow to be your own best friend, and do it.

You can choose to respond to life (acting as you desire based on your processed feelings), or to react to life (letting past bottled-up hurts control your every action, including disproportionate responses and tempers). I used to hate it when my mom would say ‘use your chooser, choose to be happy’. It is not as simple as that. You have feelings you cannot deny, or they just grow. But you can choose to gain perspective, to process your feelings, to align your insides with your outside actions, and to gain peace and happiness within. Listen to the pit of your stomach, live what you believe, and be confident in your character and integrity. You can choose to pursue happiness by processing and responding, and become happier every moment for it.

4. Have an outlet, a release. To be in control and respond rather than react, give yourself an outlet, a regular release for your emotions. You have an emotional component to your core that cries out for attention. Have you ever had a noise from a car get louder and louder, the longer you ignore it? Eventually, you find out the problem when your car breaks down. Treat yourself better than this. I was struck by a poignant explanation of why we need to process our feelings and emotions by a children’s program called ‘Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Kids’. The mommy spider was explaining rain to her children who were sad because the rain stopped their game. She said that the clouds filled up with sadness and hard feelings for so long, that they got too heavy and burst- that was the rain. Then, when they get it all out, you know they are happy, because of the rainbow.

Realize that your emotions build up inside you. Endorphins are released and you feel better when your emotions have an outlet. Find a healthy one. Have you ever noticed yourself overreact to something? You are usually expressing misplaced feelings which stem from something else that is bothering you. Rather than wait until they burst at an inappropriate time, sort them out beforehand, and let it rain. For ideas on how to balance your daily activities and still make time for processing these emotions, see my article on managing stress.

Component #4: Spiritual- Fill the ‘God-shaped hole’

An episode of the Twilight Zone called the ‘Misfortune Cookie’ depicted a restaurant critic who intentionally defamed an establishment without trying a bite of food. A curse was placed on him that created an insatiable hunger for Chinese food. He ate and ate and ate but never was satisfied. His fortune cookie said he would die, and he did. His hunger was so deep and unfulfilled that he ate himself to death. Society is filled with choices of bad habits, which rob you of your health and vitality. What are you trying to consume to fill the deep void within you? Is it working? There is a core compartment of spirituality within you that can only be made happy if it is filled with the missing piece of the puzzle.

Blaise Pascal, the sixteenth century philosopher and mathematician, mentioned what we now often call the ‘God-shaped hole’ deep within each soul, crying out to be filled. “What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words, by God himself.”

Even outside of religion you can see discussions of a need for spirituality in our lives. To be truly happy, your spiritual compartment needs to be filled. It is a vast chasm, yearning to be satisfied. Like a black hole, it consumes everything in its proximity into the unending void that is your soul’s deep core. This void can be filled by God, and God alone.

When I began recovering from my eating disorder, I was told by someone to realize that there is something greater than ourselves out there, and to relinquish my perception of control over that which I cannot control. I already believed in God and knew that I drew great comfort from knowing that He was more powerful and able to sustain me and satisfy the void inside, if I let Him. What I found remarkable was the concept I heard of choosing anything I wanted as a god, even a doorknob or any image I create, so long as I looked to it to draw strength. How could I esteem as greater than myself an object that I create? It made no sense. Either I believe that there is something greater than myself, or I do not. Either God already exists, or He does not. To believe I can create a god is to believe that I am a god. What do you believe? Are you confident that you trust your beliefs, your values, and that you can draw strength from them?

If you have yet to discover what can satisfy this yearning in your spiritual core, then consider how you are attempting to fill it. Even though I believed in God, I did not trust Him to fill my deep chasm in my heart, because I was attempting to do so through my eating disorder. To make your spiritual component happy, know what you believe and who you believe in. If you are unsure, begin a fervent search for truth today. Then, find a community of encouragement to support you in your spirituality. There are local churches of all sorts in most communities, with different styles of preaching and worship to suit your worldview. Find a way to fill your emptiness and nurture the longing inside you waiting to be filled.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you are motivated to make some specific changes today, and leave here a better you. You deserve the best!

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 9 Comments »

Managing Stress: 5 Steps For a New Approach to Life

Friday, August 18th, 2006

These 5 steps to managing stress will help change your attitude and shape your whole approach to life. Stress is our response to change, and change is a part of life. Change can be exciting, uncomfortable, traumatic, and even paralyzing. Stress is often at its worst when you feel out of control. When managing stress, it takes courage and confidence to accept that you cannot control what happens around you at any moment, and even more strength to fight the fear and face each day by pressing on, despite the unknown. But you can do it. Practicing these steps radically changed my attitude and my perspective on stress, and saved my life. I learned to take a step back and get an aerial view of my problems, figure out what is weighing on me the most, and rearrange my life for maximum success.

So how stressed are you? Are you worried, frustrated, under pressure? Is your mind constantly racing, trying to keep track of everything? Stress manifests itself physically with intestine troubles, high blood pressure, exhaustion, and numerous other ailments. It also hinders you emotionally and spiritually, as you feel pulled in so many directions. You live life as a sprint, running until you collapse, then as soon as you can muster up enough energy, you pick it up again, wondering when you will collapse next (and with what, a heart attack?, the flu?, or an emotional collapse?). But there is a better way. Life is like a marathon race. Marathon runners pace themselves because they know they have a long distance to run. Are you running the marathon of life as if it were a series of sprints? Change your thinking and you can get farther. Runners leave behind any excess baggage that might slow them down (most women and men even shave the hair off their legs for increased speed). What stress is keeping you down, holding you back?

Could you use a more efficient system for managing your stress? Without a system, our instinct is to fight it, to manage stress by pushing against the strong current of life’s circumstances. This is both exhausting and dangerous. Stress is like swimming against a rip current. Rip currents are powerful flows of water that quickly drag a swimmer from the ocean (or even from just wading waste deep at the shoreline) out to beyond the breaking waves. Suddenly pulled out towards deep water, many beach goers panic, and it costs them their lives. The rip, like a stressful event, is not what kills you- it is your response to it that kills you, and your methods for managing stress may kill you too.

All oceans have rip currents- if you are going to swim, you’ll eventually face them. I remember vividly the overwhelming horror I experienced when first taken by surprise by a rip current. Every instinct wanted to panic, but the message I had heard so many times just kept playing in my head (don’t fight it, go with the flow, swim parallel and you will get out- fight it and you’ll die). While swimming I quickly prayed for courage to conquer my fear and strength to do what I knew and swim sideways (which was counterintuitive since at the same time I was being dragged out to sea). For a moment, I panicked and wondered if I would drown from exhaustion.

It took everything in me not to swim towards shore and against the pressure of the current. But I pressed on, changing my course to move sideways. Before I knew it I had made it out of the rip and I was free. I was exhausted and let the waves take me back in, my heart racing at what I experienced. The relaxing ride back was so peaceful, and I felt thankful and lucky that I knew the way out, and somehow kept myself focused enough to try. Despite the rip, I kept going back to the ocean. That experience taught me that I could make it (though I always hoped I would never have to feel anything that powerful and scary again). Life is like that.

Managing stress requires a system, and a determination to apply it. I learned this, unfortunately, through trial and error. I used to over burden myself constantly, both physically and emotionally. I was like the children in the cartoon/sitcom scenario of a broken vase glued together and filled, that is leaking despite the beautiful flower on display. The children keep trying to plug up and hide the growing number of holes, until the vase finally bursts. I was living to hide and plug holes, rather than admire the vase and its contents.

One day I decided to change my life, and devised a better system to move beyond just getting by to a peace I cannot describe, despite what I cannot control. For example, despite having months to prepare for a deadline, I used to spend time constantly thinking about how could I possibly meet it, and worrying about the 20 parts that needed to be completed (a waste of mental energy that could have been devoted to finishing one of the twenty steps). Now, when confronted by a project (after planning the big picture), I stop thinking about the rest of it. Instead, as I get ready every morning for the day ahead, I choose what I will complete on the project for that day, and think on that alone. Life is so much more peaceful.

Here is how to practice managing stress in five steps for a happier, healthier, better you:

1. EXPECT IT: Managing stress properly means being prepared. Take good care of yourself- you never know what the day will bring. Life is an adventure- approach it as such. Remember the classic example of a guy showing out for girls, saying punch my stomach and see how hard it is? The first blow he doesn’t even flinch (and all are impressed). But then, when distracted, someone else hits him, and he doubles over in pain. What made the difference? The first time he was ready, the second, taken off guard.

Expect stress and be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise regularly. Watch your caffeine intake. Take vitamins. Don’t avoid the doctor when you need one. Be a good friend to others, and establish a circle of support so you have others to help you through life’s pain, friends to help you figure out how to swim out of the strong currents of life. Cheer yourself on- are you thinking positive thoughts or berating yourself (would you talk like you do to yourself to someone you love)? Spend time with God everyday, be confident in what you believe, and draw strength from it.

Now, with this step, I expect the unexpected. I fully realize that great and amazing things take place every day, as well as the tragic. It is impossible to be completely ready for a blow, but I can be sure that I have a circle of support in place for life’s ups and downs, that I am not carrying more on my plate than necessary, and that I have a good understanding of the difference.

2. EMBRACE IT: You need a new attitude towards life, a determined stance to ride the waves of life and succeed through the storms. I decided long ago I would not live a life of regret. Now, as I get ready for the day, I say a prayer for strength to face with confidence what comes my way, and the courage to get help and support when overwhelmed. I embrace the challenge and the unexpected. Like the ocean rip currents, I realize that the more I resist and try to avoid stress, the more exhausted and sucked in I will be. Rather, I go with the flow, and jump in. Jump in with both feet today. Choose to swim.

The alternative is a self-destructive quest to numb out, attempting to escape the pain. Ever been numbed by the dentist? When you leave, your face may not feel the pain, but it also cannot feel the pleasure of a tender caress or a soft kiss. For most medications, the effectiveness of a given dose is temporary, and over time, wears off. More is required to cause any change. Whether you are seeking comfort in drugs, alcohol, food, isolation, excessive television, twenty coffees a day, or whatever your vice, like medicine you will need more and more to cover the pain, and it will never be enough to push against the current of life and survive exhaustion: as a faulty lifesaver, it will drown you. Instead, embrace life, taking the good with the bad. Know that God is in charge of the big picture, and like the rip currents, there is always a way out. It is all in your attitude: are you going to live life to its fullest- despite the pain? This is the only way to know true pleasure and happiness.

3. EVALUATE IT: What pressures occupy your thoughts, consume your energy, or cause you grief? Be honest and real with yourself. Remember to consider tendencies such as jealously, feelings of inferiority, or frustration over failures as possible causes for some of your grief (all easily changed through setting goals and having a successful positive attitude about yourself!). Are you exaggerating the importance of a stressor: will it really matter one year from now, or five years from now?

The serenity prayer is a tool used by many people recovering from addictions, but has truths that are treasures for everyone to grasp when managing stress: God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. What people, events, or circumstances are within your control, and what is it you cannot change?

I used to be a people-pleaser perfectionist, and I would add more to my plate everyday. Not only would I take on too much physically (over-commit myself, accept extra work out of guilt), but I would also take on emotional loads. If someone criticized me, it would add to my stress level and I would dwell on what I did wrong wasting precious mental energy.

Now, I can accept criticism. Even though I cannot control it, I control my response to it. I consider it, own what is accurate (even if given in a rude way), and make a quick decision to change it for the future. I also dismiss the outrageous or irrelevant criticism as their problem, not mine. I then let it go. Like water drops on a rainproof coat, I brush it right off. This used to be unheard of, but I now realize every moment of life needs to be valued, and every moment I waste thinking about needless worries robs me and loved ones of the real me. The Bible says it best: And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to your life? So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6: 27,34 (NASV). Any doctor will tell you these are words to live by (and live better by).

This third step to managing stress is to evaluate where your stressor fits: is it in your control? An easy way out of responsibility is to tell yourself there is nothing you can do about it. Even if the stressor is out of your control, there is usually something about it that you can control. A general guideline to sorting it out: if it is your behavior, your actions in response to a stress, then yes you are in control of it; if it is others’ actions, others’ thoughts or desires, these you cannot control (even though we often think or hope we can).

4. ENGAGE IT: Now it’s time to take action. The 4th step to managing stress is to engage it. If you can change it, do it now. Procrastination is one of your worst enemies, stealing precious moments of your life. Think of something right now that you are avoiding, that is causing you stress and worry, and that gone would be a load off your mind - because it really is!

Here is how you engage stress: first, control it if possible. If you identify a stressor as within your control, then determine how strong it is and what needs to be changed. Your choices are to change your exposure to the stress or stressor in terms of duration, frequency, or to minimize intensity of the exposure (refuse to discuss something with someone, refuse to respond to negativity, etc.). You can also avoid it altogether, if necessary.

Next, whether you can control the stressor or not, the resulting tension, frustration, emotion, and pressure need to be compartmentalized. After I made a commitment not to be fake anymore, and pretend that I felt fine, I wondered how to go about the day without feeling overwhelmed. I then discovered I could find pleasure in a beautiful flower, feel good about finishing a minor task for school or work, and even laugh at the smile of my child, all without denying the grief I still felt over a loss or tragedy.

Imagine a train with several compartments. They are all different sizes, and you access each at different times. When you have a lot to think about at one time, the stress of a difficult relationship, or a sudden tragedy, life goes on and you still need to function. So you get up, take a shower, go to work, get your paperwork done, and when you feel the stress growing, you nurture yourself with the comfort that the grief deep down inside will be dealt with soon. Sometimes, such as with a great loss, your grief compartment will be so large that it takes up most of your train, temporarily. Over time, however, as you process through it, the other compartments will grow larger again. Give space to each stress based on priorities, but do give each a place.

5. EMERGE FROM IT: This final step is extremely important. Process the pressure and pain to get through it, and emerge successful and free. This requires effort, whether it is to brush off the stress of the day, or to push through the weight of a significant loss. Contrary to the old cliche, time does not heal all wounds. If you are dealing with tragedy or trauma, the event is gone, but it takes time and effort to grieve from the change. The grieving process is different for everybody, but most significant life changes require at least two years of working through it to adjust (and sometimes more).

Without shaking off your stress and cleaning out your emotional compartments, you will be left wading in a sea of deep water, stuck in the strong current. Remember, there is a way out, so find it today. Like a write-once CD etched with the record of your experiences, you can never erase the experiences of life. The dings and scrapes that knock us down, however, like scratches on a CD, can be smoothed out so that despite wear, the music plays beautifully.

The fallout from life’s currents is pressure, and to emerge you need to let off steam. Shake off the stress like the rain shakes off a water-proof umbrella. Wipe it away in a healthy way, with balance and moderation: journal your thoughts and frustrations, talk it out with friends, exercise, spend time in prayer, cry it out, laugh it out, just get it out.

Every compartment of your life needs attention. Compartments of rotting baggage that are never cleaned out eventually smell up the whole train. Balance your compartments of work with play time: start a hobby or fun project, plan an adventurous family outing, get a babysitter and take your spouse out on a surprise date. Decide today that you will succeed, you will live a life you are proud of, and you will make it through whatever life brings. Surround yourself with encouragement and positive thoughts. In your quiet time, pray, set goals, and move forward. Get the big picture.

That is it: expect, embrace, evaluate, engage, and emerge victorious. As you face the strong currents of life, with these five steps and a defiant attitude, you will press on and achieve your goals, regardless of your circumstances. You decide that life is worth living, that God has a purpose for you, and that you will succeed if you manage life in a healthy manner. Are you ready for a better you?

Patricia

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