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How to Start Over: Rebuild or Just Remodel

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

You need a change.  Something is not right, and you feel unsettled.  This is not how life is supposed to be.  You need to start over.  But what exactly does this mean?  Some will advise you to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start.  Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success.  Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder your success. Your life is like a building.  Sometimes you need to tear down the entire structure and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary.  It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut yourself off from everyone and everything you believe in and care about just because your life is not going in the right direction.  Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation you need to fulfill your life purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.  Here are three things to help you start over: help to identify which of the four key parts of life you need to change, help to remove common hinderances to starting over, and encouragements to just do it, whatever this means for you.  Create a better you today!

1.  Identify exactly how you should start over, and how you should not. 

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider.  The following will help you determine what extent you may wish to start over in different aspects of your life, with some cautions along the way.

Mentally

You may need to start over mentally.  This can range from changing how you approach only one aspect of life, to changing your entire mental approach to life.  If your thoughts are defeating you, change what you think, but do so carefully.  Do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash your brain.  Let me explain.  In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat. 

For example, when you choose to watch television, commercials innundate you with subliminal messages that will often influence your choice at the supermarket, whether you know it or not.  You take that risk, however, because the reward of your show is worth a little product branding to you.  Likewise, when you hear comments you did not solicit, you can automatically allow them to alter how you think about yourself, or you can make a conscious choice to evaluate whether they are coming from a credible source and to dismiss those unworthy of consideration. 

Everyone has a message, and when you accept and internalize information, you are re-structuring a part of how you think.  The difference is in whether you make a conscious choice to screen out what you accept as authority and allow to wash you brain, or whether you allow everyone’s opinions to throw you into confusion.  As a child, you should be surrounded by positive mental reinforcement as you learn the confidence to distinguish between the constructive encouragment of loved ones and the destructive malicious attacks of others.  Unfortunately, children are often exposed to hurtful ourpourings of anger, internalizing these attacks into their sense of self-worth. 

As an adult, if you do not re-write these negative beliefs, or if you accept all other opinions as correct, you will find your life needs a change.  Deep inside, you are not happy.  You need to know your life has purpose, you have great talent waiting to be developed, and you are valuable to the world and to God.  You need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in your life.  You need to start over.  You may just need to re-write your thoughts about your career, and start to dream big dreams.  You may only need to change how you view your relationships, and how you handle lonliness.  You may need to cut off a destructive relationship, or you may be able to stay close, especially with family, while gaining the confidence to ignore destructive comments.  You may also need to change how you see yourself, your worth, and your strengths as a person.  You may find, however, that you need to start from scratch, that your mind is filled with negative thoughts.  You need to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph.  There is a time for everything, and this is your time.  Start now.

Geographically

You may need to start over geographically.  If it is for career reasons, the change may be forced upon you, or it may be an exciting achievement and a goal you finally reached.  For others, you may need to move to make a fresh start as part of a new you.  Ask yourself these questions.  Are you moving because it is the best for your life right now, or are you moving because it is the easiest way to start over?  A physical move is never easy.  Psychology experts generally suggest you requre about two years to adjust to major changes such as moving to a new state. 

While it can be difficult to move, sometimes people think a geographical change is the best solution to get away from problems.  If this is the only way to be safe, the only way to keep yourself or your loved ones from harm, then it is the best for your life.  If, however, you think you have to leave because the pain is just too strong, be sure there are not more effective ways to get through your pain.  Remember, when you face your pain, you can conquer it as you heal, but when you run from your pain, you will usually find it follows you, as it grows in the chase.

I once had the chance to move out of state.  At first, I did not go, because I knew it was not the right time.  It would have been the easiest way to escape my challenges, but I knew I needed to face what was hurting and to leave not because I was trying to escape the pain, but because God opened the doors to a new part of my life.  I faced my fears, and stayed where I was, until the time was right.  When I did finally move, it was because my career and my life were headed in that direction.  Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it can be exactly what your life needs.  If you think this is you, pray about it, talk about it, and then when you are sure, embrace it.  Seize the opportunity and make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

You may need to start over emotionally.  Do you fill up with rage and need help controlling your responses?  Are you depressed, in despair, and isolating yourself?  Do you find yourself managing stress in mostly healthy ways, but one particular aspect of life seems overwhelming?  Are you burdened by grief over something and you cannot find joy in what remains?  I have included links to some other posts to help in these areas, but the first step is to identify that you need to start over. 

Do you need a drastic change in how you respond, setting yourself free from addictive or other destructive patterns?  Do you just need some minor adjustments in how your life flows, to make a conscious decision to fight for the peace you once had in one particular area of life?  This emotional area often feeds into your mental area, and vice versa.  Are your emotions swinging because of your mental messages?  Are you frozen by fear and inhibited by uncertainty?  You can start over, in the big and little ways your emotions impact every day.  Start today, to get healthy for a new you.

Spiritually

You may need to start over spiritually.  Parents generally want their children to follow their religious affiliations.  As a Christian, I also want my children to learn the Bible and to love God.  Some pastors say between 60 and 90% of graduates stop attending church, while a recent UT Austin study suggests what changes is participation, where 62% of Protestants attend church less often after graduating.  The point is that many times college is where students first consider what they really believe in life, apart from their parents. 

When you think about starting over spiritually, listen to your heart, where your spiritual life begins.  I believe God calls to you, so search out when you have questions.  My caution, an important one, is to consider why you are making a change.  If, for example, you are a Christian dismissing your religion because of the poor example from your parents or after seeing hypocrates, you need to realize they are imperfect people representing a perfect God.  No religion has perfect people.  Not one.  If, however, you are living in a belief system and feeling deep within that God is teaching you to seek out the truth elsewhere, seek wise counsel, listen, and learn.  Do not neglect your spiritual life, and have the courage to start over when you feel led.

2.  Remove the hinderances to starting over.

Now that you know what areas need a new you, how do you motivate yourself to make practical changes?  To start over and remove the hinderances to your success, you need to do three things:

change your sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair.  Many people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people and sit in the “poor me” spot.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes it hits you hard, and you should never have to deal with the pain or troubles you face.  But they are there.  Face them anyway, and triumph despite your challenges.  Change your expectation of fairness, and realize comparing to others only hinders you.  Push through your sense of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

challenge your sense of effort

You may not want to do what it will take, you may not think you should have to, but if it is really worth it, do it anyway.  Put forth the effort, and re-define what this means.  Effort is not the amount of energy that you think something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what.  If your diet, exercise, or stop-smoking plan is harder than you think, instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, if it is truly a worthwhile goal, then decide it is worth this effort, the effort that challenges you beyond what you imagined possible, and keep going or start over again: do it anyway.  You can do it!

I just applied this to my own life in writing my dissertation.  I did it.  I finished and passed my dissertation defense!  For those who are not familiar with the Ph.D. requirements, after coursework is finished and your dissertation proposal is successfully completed, you advance to candidacy and write “the book”, your original research of 200-300 pages.  Then comes the final defense examination where you pass or fail.  After you pass, you turn in the final version, and graduate.  Yeah!  I am so excited, and I thank God for all the ways I found strength I never thought I had to make it.  You see, I had to revise my sense of effort.

I expended more than twice as much energy and time than I had planned to complete my dissertation.  I always found the failure statistics amazing for PhD candidates– over 50% never finish their dissertation!  On this side, I can see how hard it really is.  When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, three young children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other candidate. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take, prevent me from expending the effort it did take.  I pushed on, doing whatever necessary to complete it.  Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates your success!

choose your sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who you allow to influence you.  Ignore those who say you can’t, and believe you can.  Start over today! 

3. Just do it! 

For practical ways to take action now, visit some of our other articles such as four steps to make it happen,  start a new habit or break a bad one, managing stress, and dream your dreams to achieve greatness, or browse our archives for other inspirations. 

You can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it.  Think big, dream wide, and act small.  Keep your eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time.  No more excuses.  If you know what is required for a better you, start over today.  Start from where you are, or start from scratch, but wherever you need a change, start over as if you can create who you want to become, because you can.  You can do it!

Do you have any suggestions to help people start over?  Share with us what works for you.  Towards a better you, 

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 9 Comments »

Make the Most of Every Moment: Lessons from the Terminal Illness That Wasn’t

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

Ginny wept as I held her. “It’s not fair!” she cried, “Why me?” The pain surged through her body, and she cringed as she moved her aching muscles. After a few minutes of tears, she drew a deep breath, and looked me in the eyes. “I’ll be okay, you’ll see.” She stood up, drew her shoulders back with confidence, and smiled again. “I just needed to get that out. I’m ready to fight again.” She took her dose of ten pills waiting for her on the counter, and we went back to doing our school work. She had no other choice if she wanted to live. She chose life, and faced it with optimism despite a greater burden than any twelve-year-old should have to endure.

She showed this attitude of determination to everyone she met. The doctors were amazed at her courage, and her family drew strength in her positive attitude. Sometimes, however, she needed a quiet place to cry, to be comforted, and to grieve the pain she endured. She was honest with herself, but positive about life. There was a time for everything, and I learned about living from her journey both through dying and beating death.

Ginny started out active and healthy, playing sports and enjoying the outdoors, but when her young body began growing tired quickly, the doctors had bad news: Ginny had an illness they called terminal. After years of fighting, however, she proved them wrong.

I met Ginny when I had to miss a considerable number of school days because of my own illness. Mine went away, and hers did not. We grew to be close friends spending days together in elementary school, and after I got better, we stayed friends. She had many month-long hospital stays in junior high and high school, and I spent countless long summer days at her hospital, hiding from nurses or playing with the elevators, just for something fun to do. We made the most of the time she had, because they said it would be short.

She was sick enough to receive a wish from the Make A Wish Foundation, an amazing organization dedicated to wishes of terminally ill children. I can count at least 5 times during our teen years that I rushed to her side to say goodbye, since it was certain she would not make it through the night. We prayed, knowing that God would be there to welcome her into heaven. Every time, she miraculously made it through.

After her teen years, as suddenly as the illness struck, it disappeared. The doctors were baffled. Her health is still not the best, she still sees symptoms occasionally, but she is proof the impossible is possible. She is now married and in her thirties, living every day for the time God gives her, while knowing more than most how much we take for granted.

Ginny taught me how to be honest with myself, and yet keep a positive attitude at the same time. There were many times she wanted to quit taking her medicine, and a few times she did. She thought maybe she could test if God healed her, or that by stopping the medicine, somehow the disease would go away. As her symptoms quickly worsened, she had to face the truth. She needed the medicine to survive, so she took it again. She cried it out, and then toughed it out. But she did not let this change her attitude. She met each day with a focus not on what she would miss, but what she could do. She found joy in little things and appreciated the beauty of the outdoors for those few times she could be in it.

I also learned about life from an adult friend who fought cancer with all her might, kept a great attitude, but left us quickly. I do not know why this happened to her, but I do know that her great attitude may have given her the extra days she had before going, and most certainly helped her get the most out of those final moments with her own children. She was a teacher, and I know she would cherish this quote: “Live each day as if it were your last, but learn each day as if you will live forever.” (author unknown, but Og Mandino originated the first part).

Both she and Ginny did the best to enjoy live, had a positive outlook, and lived more life in sickness than many people do in twice as many years of health.

Life is not always fair, but we can always live beyond just fair, and choose to make our days exceptional.

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (NIV, Bible).

The impossible is possible. Uncertainty is a part of life, but do not let it prevent you from living. Love, laugh, and dream. Live for today and create a better tomorrow.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, change, christianity, family, goals, motivation, parenting, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, work & career | 14 Comments »

SWOT Your Life To Success

Thursday, February 8th, 2007

What keeps you from the life you dream to live? What is it that could undermine your success and how are you defending against it? Do you seize every opportunity or live in regret? Are you fixed on your goals and headed on the right path? A SWOT analysis is used in business around the world. Now apply it to your life. See one in action, and then do this quick 15 minute exercise. You can identify any obstacles and leave with an effective plan to change your life and create a better you.

SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. The SWOT analysis started at Stanford University by Albert Humphrey, and is a strategic planning tool for corporations to evaluate and create a plan of action for success. It is effective in determining what stands in the way of achieving your goals. What stands in your way?

The first step is to have an objective in mind. What is your goal? Who are you and what is your life’s purpose? Take this sense of identity and confidence in yourself and then figure out your SWOT. It helps to write it all down on paper, or type it in the computer, so you can go back to it later. As an example, I will do my own life right now:

Objective: To fulfill my life’s purpose with my God-given abilities, and to make a positive difference in the world as I find opportunities. I want to keep my wonderful marriage healthy, to show my children unconditional love and raise them with a great foundation for success, to finish my dissertation this summer, to grow as a writer and take risks, and to continue to write what I want my children to know and to someday pass on to their children. I want to keep encouraging and motivating others with fresh ideas, and to keep setting new goals. I want to never lose my passion for life and for God. I want to enjoy every moment of life that I have, and to make choices that will keep me from living with regret. This for me is success, and I determine to succeed.

Strengths. I am confident in who I am, I live a healthy and active lifestyle, I eat right and exercise, I balance work and family pretty well (did somebody say sleep?), I am excited about life, I am good at calculus (not that I’ve used it since school), I am moved by amazing talent in others (musical, artistic, …), I have a positive and constructive thought-life (one I worked hard to cultivate), and I am a good friend.  Where I used to let hurt build up inside me, I have learned to get through and beyond the painful parts of life, and find ways it makes me stronger.

A SWOT analysis asks you how you use your strengths. Use them to create opportunities and achieve goals. After you list them, see if there are any new ways you could use your strengths.

Weaknesses. I am a reformed perfectionist who always had trouble saying no. I once said yes to organizing a banquet at church. I had no idea what I was doing. I quickly learned how to delegate, but I am lucky there were others (willing to work for free too) who knew what type of food to serve, how much to purchase for the large crowd, when to cook what, and all the decoration details that I never would have considered. It turned out great- thanks to their skill, not mine. I cringe when I think of what could have happened if those great people were not willing to step in and save me. Now I am the first one to encourage someone else to shine as the “organizer” in any catering capacity and I follow their lead when I help.

I still have to work at accepting the final product of an effort, but I meter this against my priorities and remind myself that I can make revisions or improvements later. I think my perfectionism was really a masked fear of criticism, and I now accept constructive feedback as opportunity to improve, and reject negative or irrelevant insults as someone else’s problem. I used to allow negative thoughts into my life. If you think that way, you go that way. I allow them no more. I will always be true to myself and to my promise to God to live healthy and with courage.

A SWOT analysis asks how to stop each weakness. Applied to life, figure out how to either stop or handle each weakness. I see weaknesses as the defining strokes on life’s masterpiece. They provide contrast to allow the strengths to shine, but must be deliberately controlled and worked so they do not take over the picture. I am not an artist (I am amazed by those who draw or paint) and when I try to draw an image it ends up looking nothing like what I saw. My lines take over and the picture never shows through. Luckily, in life, we are all artists.

I am determined to face my weaknesses with courage, and shape them into place so they highlight my life’s image.  I will not be defined by my weaknesses.  I appreciate the ways they remind me to draw strength from God, and encourage me to refresh and renew myself with regular quiet time. Learn to say no when you must, but do not let a weakness prevent you from achieving your goals. Do you make excuses for inaction? Stop today, and start a new course of action.

Opportunities. After my first child was born, I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to earn my Ph.D. He looked at me and said to go for it. I did. I knew the opportunity was there, and I would regret it if I let it pass by. I was not sure how to put my kids first and still do my best in classes, but that was my focus, and it worked out. I am so glad I took a chance. I am a wife, a mother, and a friend. I want to know my husband more every day as we grow together. I want to play with my children and let them see life is full of possibilities. I want to finish my degree on schedule. I want to keep writing. This blog is a tremendous opportunity for me to encourage others and feel I have given a part of myself to the world. No matter how tired or busy I am, my priorities are opportunities I will not miss.

A SWOT analysis includes listing your opportunities and exploiting or taking advantage of every chance. Are you doing this in your life?

Threats. There are internal and external threats to life. Externally I am safe, sheltered, and healthy. When I was single, I determined the qualities I looked for in a man, the qualities that would be nice to find, and the qualities I refused to be around. My desire for companionship would not overwhelm my decision to live a healthy life. I knew in time I would meet the right person, and I did. I am so grateful for all the time I had alone, where I learned I could do anything as my own person, and I am now happy to contribute this confidence in our marriage partnership. The biggest threat now for me is if I ever stopped managing stress and living to be happy, healthy, successful, and free. I will never turn from God or my purpose. If I am upset, I deal with it. If I need rest, I force myself to put my feet up. If I need strength, I find it. I conquer the threat before it can threaten me.

A SWOT analysis defends against or destroys any threat. Find your biggest threats and eliminate or conquer them before your avoidance gives them strength. You can do it!

Take your own SWOT analysis and list what strategies you need to implement today. Do you need to call someone for accountability? Do you need to take action on a plan you have put off? Are there things you can do right now? Do them, and create a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 11 Comments »

7 Ways You May Unknowingly Mess Up Your Life

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

You determine your future with every decision you make, but what is the basis for those decisions? Who creates this foundation on which you base your life? You are influenced by the world around you, but you can take control of how you respond to circumstances and achieve your goals. It takes effort to overcome obstacles and succeed in your life’s purpose. You must take responsibility for your life to create who you want to be. Here are 7 often overlooked ways you may relinquish that control and mess up your life. If you find your life’s train is off track, get back on. You can change every one of these today, and create a better you.

1. Letting aptitude tests tell you what to do with your life.

When I was teaching public high school, the students would talk about the “abilities” they discovered from standardized tests. I cautioned them to use it as an indicator of strengths, but not a determination of weaknesses. They still discussed surprises about what they were “not” good at, despite my admonitions. I caution you, too. For your own sake and that of your children, remember this story.

When my husband was in high school, they did the usual career testing. His guidance counselor shared the results, and designed his coursework in line with this test. It showed him to be good with his hands, especially prepared to be a mechanic or electrician. This part of the test was right. I have never met anyone more handy than he is- if it is broke, he can fix it. His dad taught him since a young age, so he knows how to build a house, he can wire up any office, he can build a computer from nothing, and fix a car. He enjoys working with circuitry, and these are respectable careers. But that is not his true passion.

He loves to debate. Not to have an argument, and not to create tension (in fact, he is a very adept mediator, and is able to create peace where there is anxiety). But he wants to take the other side, just to see how the discussion plays out. And what does he do for his career? He is an attorney (did the arguing tip you off?). But he almost never went to college.

2. Letting others determine your career future for you.

Do you take advantage of opportunities, or do you spend your time blaming others because you are not where you want to be?  Do you feel stuck in your vocation? Make a change. Start a business, go back to school, teach yourself a new skill. If you did not have the best GPA in high school, it does not mean you cannot succeed in college. Consider where you want to be and see what degree or training is required. Then set a plan. Do not let others set it for you. It is never too late to return to school. If you cannot go the traditional route, there are evening and weekend programs, and even online universities (just be careful they are accredited). You can even teach yourself a new skill- you do not have to have formal education to learn. My biggest caution starts with young people. Be sure you keep your options open.

My husband was bored in high school, so he did work-study in order to only attend half-time. He presumed, as most students do, that his career path was laid out in his best interests. Before his final year of high school, however, he realized that his career path would PREVENT him from attending college. Because he showed talent on the aptitude test for physical skills, he was set on a path not for the college-bound. His future was limited because of a test. Luckily, he took the initiative and dared to challenge these results. He thought, what if I want to go to college? He took an extra Algebra course his senior year (with the freshman who took it at the right time), in order to qualify for college entrance, and went on to succeed at a prominent business school. He did great there, too. Too often we as teachers presume that grades are indicators of ability. They are also indicators of interest. He had a GPA just good enough to get by in high school, but outstanding As in college.

3. Rejecting your religion for any reason other than you no longer believe.

If your parents forced their religion on you, get past it. You are not alone. Religion (including the belief in absense of religion) is usually a strong core value and parents most often cannot help but try to share this with their children. As a Christian, for example, I want my children to learn about God and the Bible, and to love it. But misguided parents often shove their children full of rules and regulations without the loving context, and create disdain for their beliefs. People are not perfect. Are you ignoring a tug to believe, or are you bitter to even consider the option, simply because you are upset at how the idea of God was first delivered? Heal your wounds, mend family relationships, get past bitterness, and be sure what you believe is really representative of yourself, rather than a reaction to actions of others.

Have you ever been misrepresented? There are horrible crimes committed by people of every faith and belief system. There are, unfortunately, preachers and teachers of most every value system whose sole purpose is to get your money. When people who tell others about God act against what they say they believe, they misrepresent God. People see this and misjudge who God is. It is not God who is imperfect, but it is the messenger. Are you rejecting religion because of hypocrasy? Guard your heart and use wisdom in where you place your trust, but be sure you do not dismiss God and your religion soley because someone hurt you. Do not give that person the power to steer your spiritual life. Do it yourself.

4. Interpreting rejection as personal failure.

I will be rejected, and I am glad. If I were accepted by everyone all the time, it would mean I have no substance: I would only be what everyone wanted at any given moment. Instead, I am proud of myself, failures and all. Rejection is just one way of knowing that this piece of the puzzle does not fit. Time to move on to the next piece. If you stop trying, the puzzle will never show the masterpiece of art its image was designed to portray. Have you lost clients? Did you get passed over for a promotion? Has a relationship ended? The loss of status, the loss of what you consider success, and the loss of intimacy hurts. In hindsight, you can usually note ways the outcome could have been different. “If only I had…”. Do not berate yourself over the loss, but use it to assess yourself. Can you see an area for change? Then change it and create a better you. Was it just a bad fit? Then pick up and move on. Keep your focus and do not give up, and you will achieve your goals and succeed.

5. Accepting negative messages as unchangable and true.

How do you encourage yourself? If you listen to what messages you allow into your thoughts, are they positive, helpful, and constructive, or are you sabotaging your success? Treat yourself as you would treat others. Negative messages should be acted on (if you need to change) and then put aside. Think on the positives and focus on how you CAN do it! Your thoughts create self-fulfilling prophecies. Make them great ones.

6. Letting your pride prevent your growth.

How have you grown this year? Are you so confident in your abilities that you are unteachable? If you are a parent, are you finding ways to make your children’s world better? As a spouse, are you working on your marriage, keeping up momentum, or just letting it coast along? It will only coast so far until it loses altitude. Give it a lift. Are you open to personal development? There are always ways to improve, and to be a better you. “Pride goeth before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18. Do not let your pride stop you from maturing.

7. Allowing your habits to control you.

We all have habits. Families develop them together, and then you grow up and continue on, adding new ones along the way. Some are beneficial, and others drain your energy. Are there any negative or destructive habits in your life? You should control your lifestyle. Are you in control of your habits, or are they controlling you? Sometimes you may not realize how much your life would be different if you changed even one habit. Consider it, and be sure you know what your habits are, and how they affect you. Ask a friend if you are not sure. Be sure it is someone who will be honest. You may be surprised.

Become aware of what influences you and how you make decisions, and become a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 17 Comments »

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

When you allow negative messages to invade your mind, you are creating self-fulfilling prophecies that will slow you down and turn success into failure. You react or respond to life based not on each situation you face, but on your perception of each situation. Your perception of circumstances is created in your mind. Are you a person who tends to see the glass of milk as half empty or half full?

Why does it really matter? Negativism attracts negative things. Your life is fulfilling the predictions you embrace. Will they be the negative messages, or will you choose to live out the positive ones and be happy, successful, and free? It is an intentional decision to ignore or overwrite negative messages, and a deliberate stance to take on life half full. It is not easy, but with strength and a positive attitude, you can do it. If you are not strong enough, draw strength from God and become strong enough. Learn what messages are guiding your journey, and intentionally encourage yourself with a positive mindset. The life you dream to create depends on it.

A self-fulfilling prophecy is where a belief (often false) is accepted as truth, and in stating it, becomes true. One classic example of this is portrayed on most television sitcoms and appears in many novels. The typical scenario, which I recently viewed on an old series (in black and white, to indicate how old), shows the main character receiving a chain letter. For those who have never had a “friend” send you one, it is a letter that requires you to send it on to a few more of your friends, and often to send money to someone. The letter states that bad luck will befall anyone who does not participate.

In the show, the main character receives this letter, and throws it in the trash, despite wondering if it could be true. He then begins the self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather than continue the relaxing and productive day he was enjoying, he now expects to see bad luck happen in every experience. He looks around for danger while walking, so much so that he trips over something by his feet. He is so defensive at every comment since he expects bad news, that he attracts a bad reaction from those he greets. He is so scared and suspicious that he appears rude in conversations, and consequently offends those he cares about the most.

Suddenly, he realizes the prophecy from the letter was true. It was, however, not the letter, but his perception of the letter that created this mess. He believed its false claim, and in doing so, created its prediction. Whatever you think about creates what you experience. In this respect, we are all living out self-fulfilling prophecies, because whatever your perception of reality, whatever thoughts you accept as true, will lead you. You attract negative things by focusing on the negative– that is part of the law of attraction.

I believe the law of attraction is sometimes taken to the extreme. As I understand it, there are those who suggest a deadly car accident can be avoided if you only think positively and therefore “attract” only positive things. While you can certainly control how much you focus on the road, how distracted you are when in a rush, and whether you are choosing a safe road to take, you can never “attract” a drunk driver to hit you from nowhere. This message creates false comfort. It would be nice to believe that bad things could never happen if you just think them out of existence, or pray them out of your life circle, but life does not work that way. You can live in that bubble of safety for a while, but eventually you will be shaken out of it, and wonder where your feet will land. Instead, keep your feet on solid ground. Know who you are, how to handle the storms of change and adversity, and attract the good and create the positive wherever you do have control. You can be at peace in the uncertainty knowing you have the tools necessary to handle life’s tides, and you know where to turn for strength.

The law of attraction has some great applications to life, and when viewed in balance, its roots can be found in the Bible. In Romans 12:2 it says “…be transformed by the renewing of your mind” and Proverbs 23:7 says that “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” (NIV). You were created with a mind and a will to determine what you embrace and what you eliminate from your thoughts. A child repeatedly told horrible things usually internalizes the messages as true. At some point, that child will grow up and learn there are other messages available. You must decide what to believe.

Where do you find the positive messages, and do you still hang on to the negative ones? Notice the term is “self”-fulfilling prophecy. Whose prophecy are you really fulfilling, are you believing false messages about yourself and creating your own misery? As an adult, you are responsible for the message that drives you. Are you around those who constantly berate you? Tell them to stop. Do you accept statements from others as true, or talk to yourself in a condescending manner? Confident people may more easily dismiss harsh insults from those distant contacts, but when uttered from close loved ones, it becomes even more difficult to keep from accepting them as truth. The hardest to fight of all is when you tell it to yourself. Are you your own worst critic?

Maybe these sound familiar: you are stupid, you will never amount to anything, you can’t make it, how could you have even thought you could succeed, you should have known better, why did you even try, what an embarrassment you are, you are ugly, worthless, unintelligent, incapable, and a failure. These cut deep wounds in your spirit, and it takes intent to replace them with positive truths.

Most people have a set of these to fight. In overcoming my eating disorder many years ago, I had to replace all the negative messages I bombarded myself with constantly, and I now live free of this mental harassment. I care about myself enough to treat me as a friend. Do you? I had to really learn about my purpose in life and how much love God has for me to make this life-altering change. I had friends who reinforced this, and I still know who to talk with when I need encouragement. Do you have time with God, time with positive friends, a place to go to help you change your perspective on a situation? Where do you draw your strength, and where do you find the positive messages? You can achieve your goals in business, you can get your degree, you can have a loving relationship, you can change your life, if you only believe it. Positive thoughts fuel success.

A positive outlook makes the difference between a quitter and a success. The determined intend success and keep going despite obstacles. Successful people believe in themselves and their dreams, and persevere. They dwell on positive thoughts, and attract the truth they believe. If you are determined, you find a way to make it happen because you believe that you CAN. If you believe that you cannot, you will not. There is always a way. It may be difficult, it may be different than you had originally planned, you may have to adapt to the unfamiliar, but if you are focused and think positively, you can achieve your goals. Do you believe it? Decide you can do it, and attract success. You create your dream future. Start today.

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 27 Comments »

10 Reasons NOT To Give Up TV

Thursday, January 4th, 2007

Did you know television can create a better you? It is a tool, and what you get from it depends on how you use it. Many are throwing out the TV in hopes of having a calmer life- great for them. I find, however, there is something to be missed. TV can be used to help you laugh, to help you learn, to help you create, and to help you relax. It can waste away your precious minutes, or be used selectively to inspire you to greatness. Act as if the TV is gone, live as if it is not a priority, but selectively incorporate it into your moments in ways that make you better. While browsing TV in trying to keep my weary eyes awake with my little ones at all hours, I have discovered these 10 gems among the junk. Share yours in the comments section below. Most of these shows have corresponding websites to spark your imagination. Enjoy!

1. How It’s Made, The Science Channel. Do you remember watching a quick segment in some Sesame Street episodes where they show how crayons (and other things) are made? Maybe you saw this with your children, or watched it yourself as a child. Here is the grown-up version. This show is great. Have you ever wondered how they make jeans, bread, batteries, bathtubs, nylons, band aids, or bicycles? This list is just the beginning. In just a few minutes each item is made (they do many items per episode). When I see the mysteries behind each item revealed, I know more how the world works. I think of the ingenuity it took to invent, and I am inspired. I do not work with steel or plastic, but I create with words. I want to contribute too. How do you create? What are your strengths?

2. Myth Busters, The Discovery Channel. If a cable tension snaps, can it really slice a person in two? Is playdoh really a wallpaper cleaner? Is it true you cannot make a concrete glider fly? Is it possible for a whirlpool somewhere on earth to suck whole ships to a watery grave? Can you stop your windshield from shattering, from a rock shot at it by a passing vehicle, by bracing the window with your hand? Watch these guys build engines and other contraptions from scratch, testing every myth you can imagine. One episode I would like to see: #57- Is the internet phenomenon true, that mixing diet cola and Mentos will create an explosion (do not try this at home)? Also, is it true a postage stamp stuck on the rotor blades will send a helicopter into a tailspin? My husband introduced me to this show, and I am intrigued at the way they come up with their tests. It makes me a more eclectic person, and I definitely know more useful trivia (for instance, do not count on jumping in a falling elevator- you will still die).

3. Flip That House, The Learning Channel. This show inspires the entrepreneur in you. Sit back and get ready to wonder how to branch out your own business, or how to start one (where you set your own hours). You may want to run out and buy property, but you learn that to flip, you had better know your stuff. Buyers purchase property in need of repair, and within a few weeks to a few months, restore or “flip” it for sale and hopefully a profit. The risk is in the money: will the home buyers succeed despite the changing market and unexpected expenses? There are similar series on other channels, but I like how this one sums up the results: what did the house sell for, and what was the profit? It can be a thrill ride to watch. There are other home improvement shows on TV, from decorating, to gardening, to fixing most things yourself.

4. Iron Chef America, Food Network. I like competition. I especially like it when I get to watch others sweat. I do enough risks in my own life. It is encouraging to watch others work hard using their God-given talents, and to be amazed by their skills. It relaxes me, and teaches me. This show (taken from the original Japanese version Iron Chef) places a top chef “Iron Chef” against a challenger. They are given one hour in Kitchen Stadium to cook several dishes to impress judges. The catch? They have to be around one theme. One time it was Cranberries. Once I saw “Battle Citrus”. The dishes are breathtaking. I can cook, but they create. Cooking is not one of my strengths, and it is hard to find foods we all like.  After watching this show, I now try to brighten up foods I cook with color, and vary the texture. Other shows on the Food Network are great too, like Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, but I like the competition ones the best. There are pastry and other cooking competitions at different times. This channel is gathering a younger audience now with its variety- some say it is the new MTV.

5. Digging For The Truth, The History Channel. For the Indiana Jones enthusiast (or Tomb Raider, or pick your adventure movie), this is an amazing find. Watch the host trek through the Amazon, dig in a dessert, or search through ruins for secrets to the past. It is a history lesson in a creative and engaging form.

6. Dirty Jobs, The Discovery Channel. Do not watch this show while you eat. I am not sure exactly why I like this show, but I do. When I first saw it, I was repulsed. Then intrigued. They show the host joining in on the most dirty yet vital jobs available. It helps you appreciate not working in the freezing cold, not covered in sludge, not stuck near bugs all day. It also helps you appreciate those who do. You will leave with a new perspective on the job you call your own.

7. Unwrapped, The Food Network. This is similar to #1, but it is all about food. Come see the process behind peanut butter, chocolate syrup, boxed lunches, or bubble gum. Watch favorite foods unwrapped and secrets revealed. I am intrigued by how fast the automated machines work, watching them in motion. It also makes me sad to think of those out of work due to changing automation. The world changes, however, and we must adapt. The secret is to always strive, to keep learning, and improving yourself. I now know how the marshmallows in your cereal get there!

8. Dora The Explorer, Blue’s Clues (Nick), and The Upside Down Show (Noggin). TV is not a babysitter, for you or for your children. Many, if not most, of children’s shows teach very little except the bad habit of sitting still. For an occasional entertainment show, however, these are great. Dora teaches Spanish and exploring, Blue’s Clues teaches some sign language and solving puzzles, and the new Upside Down Show teaches prepositions (above, below, under, over, etc.). As an educator, I like one thing these all have in common: they encourage the viewer to get involved. Dora and Blue have you answer questions and help solve riddles, and the Upside Down Show has you use the remote to change the screen. It is clever, and gets my children moving, laughing, and learning.

9. The West Wing and Gilmore Girls. I admit an indulgence. While nursing my infants over the years, I have had to keep the room dark (no reading), and I needed to stay awake. I discovered reruns of The West Wing. I know someone who once worked in the West Wing, and indicated this is a realistic portrayal. The reviewers agree. It is interesting to see the inner workings of my country’s government dramatized in this manner. I also discovered reruns of Gilmore Girls, about mothers and daughters, small town living, and life. Sometimes the dialogue could be better, and the later episodes are not as well-written as the early ones in my opinion, but I admit this show is a great form of temporary entertainment. There are many legal, medical, and reality TV shows on too. I flip past some. No new series has caught my interest as of yet. Mostly I avoid TV for recreation. Occasionally, I get invested in the character development and am interested in where it leads. Feeling the emotions of living, loving, and learning through shows is a great release of your own emotions and can be cathartic, when done in moderation.

10. Jaywalking and Headlines from the Jay Leno Show (and any other comedy that sparks my interest). I leave you with humor as number 10. It is healthy to laugh. Find your fun. I do not have time nor inclination to watch a talk show, but I do try to catch Jaywalking when it airs. This is where the host interviews people on the street with questions everyone should know, but many will miss. The answers are humorous, which is odd coming from me, a professor, since they reflect failures in our education system (someone from the United States does not know our first President?). Headlines are done once a week and are funny mistakes from newspapers, programs, or other print media sent in by viewers. These jokes are all done near the start of his show, so they are easy to find. Laughter helps you relax and unwind from the day.

The Food Network also has a show Ham On The Street, and while I have only caught a few minutes, it was hilarious. I cannot vouch for the show (maybe someone here has seen it more), but I saw a part where he fried a brownie and tried to get someone off the street to eat it, and left a chocolate cake for anyone to take. He also tried stuffing hotdogs with almost any kind of food (chocolate, pickles, candy maybe?) using hardware supplies, and got people on the street to do a taste test. Funny stuff. Also, for those who like other comedy shows, but do not want the language in their home, there are devices that you can purchase ($50-$100) that will edit out the swearing of most shows with captions.

Learn, imagine, get intrigued, unwind, and laugh. What is worth it in your TV? What shows make a better you?

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, family, humor, marriage, parenting, personal development, play, productivity, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 24 Comments »

Start A New Habit Or Break A Bad One: Ten Steps To Guarantee Success For Anyone

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

You can succeed where other fail. You can start a new habit or break an old one. You can change your life today. Do you want to stop an addiction to drugs or alcohol, lose weight on a diet, quit smoking, give up coffee, stop yelling at your kids, change a spending habit, be more productive in business, or be more assertive? What habit do you want to include or kick out of your life? Most people begin a new habit and fail to include all of these ten steps. If any of these are left out, your success is sabotaged before you begin. If you include these ten components, you are guaranteed success. Change your conditioned reactions to life and create new ones by following these ten steps.

1. Identify the habit. Be specific. Do you want to lose weight? Know exactly how much you want to lose and in what time frame (ie. 30 pounds in 6 months). Do your research. For example, if you are trying to diet, find out what to reasonably expect. You can safely lose 1-2 pounds per week, so 30 pounds in 6 months is a reasonable goal, and easily achieved. Why is it easy? Because if you follow these steps, you are guaranteed success. No tricks, no gimmicks. It is up to you. Do you want it bad enough?

2. Desire to start or to break the habit. You need a real longing, a want that pushes you towards your goal. You have to be willing to give up the way life is now. It is the only way to spark real change. If you are happy with life as it is, you will not succeed in change. Are you trying to change only because others tell you that you should? This is not enough of a motivator. Instead, ask them why. Are you denying the effects of your habit (or lack of habit) on your life? Listen to your loved ones, let it get to you, and inspire your desire for change. List what you will miss if you do not begin this new habit, or what you will gain if you give up an old habit. To succeed, you have to know why you want to change it. Do you really want your goal? If so, you will. If not, you will not. If you plan to succeed, you will. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” (Possibly an “old army adage” according to armytimes.com, but if anyone knows who first said this quote, please enlighten us in the comments and include your reliable source- I love accurate citations, but this one is over-used and under-cited).

3. Learn why you do it (or why not). What do you get out of how things are now? Figure out what need it fills (so you can fill it a different way). Is your habit a coping mechanism, helping you relieve stress or numb out from life’s pain? You can choose to manage stress in a healthy way, and find true happiness by making a healthy change. Is your habit a conditioned reaction to events, done for immediate gratification in times of sadness or frustration? You can change your pattern, learn to respond rather than react, and create a healthy substitute. Are you running from the pain of your past, and just getting by? If so, the thought of losing this habit probably scares you. You can do it. Do you want to start a new habit? What will you have to give up? If you want to start an exercise regime, for example, find wasted time during the day that you can make productive through this new habit. Instead of watching a television show, exercise. Why have you not started (and stayed with) this habit before? Do you believe you are too lazy (do you need to change your thinking)?

If you need perspective, talk with a friend. Whatever pain is driving you, it may take effort, but get through it and re-direct it. If you have serious trauma or unresolved pain, you may need to talk with someone to get past it. This is not “navel-gazing”. Healing from tragedy and trauma take time, but you must change your reaction to the pain to get better. If you are hurt from a fire and douse yourself with the first liquid available, which happens to be oil, the fire will only get worse! You have to get to water (or even better a fire extinguisher)! Life works this way too. You must change your habit to heal. What message does your current lifestyle send to you and how does it reinforce the negative?

4. Replace negative messages with positive ones. The moment you either give up or begin a new habit, you have changed.  Remind yourself of that.  Say “I am now losing weight, I have quit smoking, I am now a more assertive person…” or whatever fits with your goal.  This can be liberating if you truly believe you have changed.  Do not go back.  You need a new life slogan, one that says “you can do it”! If you do not believe you can, you cannot. Do you believe you have a destination? is your life’s train going anywhere? Replace the old messages with new ones. Love yourself, hate the habit, forgive yourself as God forgives you. You are a worthwhile person. This is hard for many to do. Get help from friends, positive quotes from the internet, or inspirational Bible verses to remind you of the truth of your unique and amazing life purpose. If you can, post affirmations where you will see them. The belief you can succeed is essential for success.

5. Get specific: plan for success. You need details to succeed. To start an exercise plan, decide exactly what days and times you will work out. Do you need to purchase any equipment or join a gym? do you need childcare? Plan ahead for an entire week, and be sure you are not exercising more than what is healthy for you (check with your doctor if needed). To stop smoking, have a detailed plan. Research over-the-counter items you may need. Use the internet to find support groups or materials to read. To lose weight, be careful not to pick an unhealthy plan. Some fad diets will take lots of your money and mess up your metabolism. If you are promised to lose a huge amount of weight in a short period of time, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. These programs will take your money and after you quickly lose a few pounds, you quickly gain back more than you had before you started. Choose a healthy well-balanced eating plan and write out your meals and grocery list for one week. What details do you need to figure out for the first week of your new life?

6. Take responsibility. If you think you are stuck this way, you will be. You can be the person you want to be, but it is up to you. These ten steps will guarantee your success, but only you can guarantee that you will follow these ten steps. Regardless of why you have had or avoided this habit, you have the control. Whether you just need a note on the fridge as a reminder to have a positive attitude, or you need a friend you can call every morning with the details of your plan, or even if you need some hospitalization or medication, it is still your choice to succeed. It is your life. Make a contract with yourself to live it differently today.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, a Russian scientist and Nobel Prize winner from the early 1900’s, is responsible for the famous “Pavlov’s dog” experiment (nobelprize.org, wikipedia). This is often used in conversation to refer to someone who is not using critical thinking but rather just impulsively reacts to situations. In the experiments, Pavlov noticed dogs salivating in response to food. He then altered this response by using various techniques, including whistles, tuning forks, and certain visual stimuli (interestingly enough, while legend says a bell was used, there is actually no evidence of this, and no bell was ever found in his laboratory). After the dog heard a sound and saw the food together, he eventually only heard the sound, but still salivated. This process of training worked to establish a pattern reaction, and to stop a pattern reaction. Your body works in much the same way. Change your conditioning, and you will change your habit. Stop allowing conditioned reflexes to establish your reaction. Become conscious of your actions and your reactions, and respond rather than react. Choose your behavior by choosing what rewards and consequences are coupled with it.

7. Reinforce your behavior. What are the rewards for doing or stopping your habit? What are the consequences you will set? This is part of the re-conditioning in Pavlov’s dog’s response. Change your reward system. Condition yourself to success and you will succeed. You get up in the morning and earn your money, right? What makes you get up and get going? You do not want the electricity turned off, and you want to keep a roof over your head and gas in your car. You need the same system of reward/consequence to start or stop a habit. If you lose weight or quit smoking, put the money you would have spent on junk food or cigarettes into a jar every day, and give yourself a reward every week. Start a savings account and watch the numbers grow. Buy a new dress, go to a movie, or do something else fun (and non-destructive).

Aside from breaking a contract with yourself, which should be severe if you value your word, what tangible consequence can you create? Do not be cruel or mean to yourself. Be confident, but firm. For example, Is there a fun event you want to attend? Make your habit (to lose it or do it) a condition of the event. Be sure this is not something like your child’s play (that would hurt your child), but something you really look forward to, such as a concert, a date out without the kids, or a night out with your friends. If you have the prize in sight, it will help you stay focused. Remember what you could lose.

8. Accountability and support system. Set it up, period. No excuses. Find a friend, get a sponsor, find a support group (there are groups to deal with grief, addiction, and more). Cut out sabotage. Get encouraged by stories of those who have made it. Whether in person, on the phone, or through the internet, be accountable. Pray. In your quiet times with God, commit to your decision and draw strength in your prayer time. Have a plan of action to prevent failure.

9. Have a plan to fall back on, before you quit, so you never will. This is a key component. You need to commit in the contract with yourself, to follow your fall back plan before you quit. Have a list of Bible verses to read to give you strength and go somewhere private to read them (the bathroom will do). Have some positive affirmations written out and read them to yourself slowly, until the panic or impulse to fail lessens. If the pressure to quit continues, have a list of people to call and talk out what you are thinking. Do not rationalize yourself to failure. Come back here and read this again, and remind yourself: you can do it!

Actively tell yourself new messages to change the old messages. If you are trying to lose weight and feel like you are going to die, for example, what is the truth? Are you confident you are following a doctor-recommended plan? If you have followed #5 above, then you can say yes. Re-interpret your hunger. If your body is hungry, you will still survive until the next meal. But consider if you are just emotionally hungry: are you angry, lonely, or tired? Find ways to fill this instead of using food.

Draw your line early, to maximize success. If you are an alcoholic who stopped drinking, do not allow yourself into bars. When you hit the worst stress and if you find yourself inside a bar, this is a warning flag. You have crossed a line that puts you into the danger zone. You are in the danger zone but you have not relapsed yet. Allow yourself a danger zone, and define it early. Try to never enter it. Consider this zone your last resort, and be sure it is something that will not do harm to yourself or others. Is your temper out of control? There is no excuse for taking it out on others (or yourself). Get it in control. Your danger zone should be early, when you feel your anger rise up. Whatever this is for you, your warning should be to leave the situation. Do it immediately, and follow your fall back plan to calm down. Try to never enter the danger zone, but have one nevertheless.

When you are tempted to fail, count to ten, breathe, and then follow your fall back plan. Make it long enough to include at least ten minutes of activity. If after ten minutes you are still on the edge of reverting to the old you, then start the fall back plan again. Repeat until your temptation moment has passed. Too many people say that “relapse is a part of recovery”. This is just an excuse to keep starting over, and never be truly free. Do not condemn yourself if you have failed before. You simply did not have the tools or the resolve. But you can do it now. You can follow these ten steps and this time, it will be different. Do not believe that you are inherently flawed and incapable of real change. You are as capable as anyone, and only you can change your life. Do it now, and do it for good. What danger zone and plan of action do you need to have? Set it up.

10. Make room for grief moments. Whether your change in habit feels so wonderful that it only takes a few minutes, or you are taking it a moment at a time, you will still find yourself needing to grieve. The first 20-30 days of a new habit (or the cessation of an old one) are critical for success. One reason is that you are still grieving as you change. So grieve. If it was a significant addiction, you may still find yourself grieving after a year. Grieve over what it has cost you, grieve over how you have hurt yourself and others, and grieve over what you are losing (a fast way to numb out and live in self-pity). It may sound odd to outsiders, but when you have truly made a significant change in your life, there are moments when the old ways may be missed.

Sometimes it comes when you have failed, and you wish for the old way of blaming it on your habit rather than an idea you had. Is your habit (or lack of a habit) an excuse to believe you are a failure, and never try to succeed? Are you using your habit to feel safer? To insulate you from criticism? For example, in business, some have a habit of blaming others for everything, and abdicate talent and ability by refusing to lead, therefore never bearing the blame. Step up and risk failure: it is the only way to create success.

Are you ready for change? Do it today.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, success, time management | 26 Comments »

Let It Get To You

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

The Christmas season brings more attention to giving and receiving. You may pay more attention during the holidays, but do you let it get to you all year long? Do you notice the good around you? Do you graciously receive from others, accept compliments with confidence, and appreciate random acts of kindness? Are you sensitive to the pain of others, inspired to change from the pain of life, and determined to act when it gets to you? Life has many pleasures and sorrows. It is easy to become calloused from hurt and disappointment. It is hard to do the opposite: to soften the rough places, to risk the pain and let others in, to live a full life rather than a shallow existence. Do you numb yourself to the world, or do you let it get to you? Do you receive the good given to you? Do you turn the bad around for good whenever possible? Let it get to you, the good and the bad. Let it inspire you to act, and to be a better you.

When you are paid a compliment, receive it.

When you receive an award, display it. Allow accolades to increase your confidence. You earned it!

When someone smiles, smile back. Enjoy the kindness of strangers.

If a friend listens to you, or shows you kindness, embrace it.

When you feel the familiar affection of a loved one, savor it, and appreciate it.

If someone takes a risk on you, recognize it.

If someone is vulnerable and asks for help, attend to it as you are led.

Create random acts of kindness to others. Let their happiness get to you.

When you realize you are now responsible for a life, let it get to you and inspire you.

When you hear the words “daddy” or “mommy”, or feel the unconditional love of a child you are nurturing, let it melt you.

Take a risk and let your dreams get to you. Is there a business idea you keep trying to suppress due to fear? Research it, and if it is solid, go for it. Is there someone you are afraid to ask out? Stop living in the “what if” and give it a try. Create. Strive. Be a better you.

Allow small romantic gestures to rekindle your relationship. A romantic marriage takes effort. Do you remember how even a simple hug used to feel amazing? Awaken that again.

Take a chance on someone. Let it get to you. Trust again.

When you are turned down, let it motivate you. Be determined to succeed. Rejection only means one road is closed and you are that much closer to finding the right path. Rejection has no bearing on your identity. Did you hear a harsh word from someone critical? Get over yourself. So you are not perfect. No one is. Not even the person who points out your flaws. Move on. Your purpose in life is too important to allow others to impede it.

When you realize your frustration is based on your life’s baggage from the past, let it get to you and inspire you to unpack it. Get past your past and take a chance in life again. The good and the bad await. If your life has been mostly up hill, then anticipate the wonderful coasting the hard-earned downhill will bring. It will get better. Believe.

Believe in what you cannot see. Is God speaking to you? Take a risk and listen. If God is truly God (and I believe He is), then that voice calling to you will only grow louder until you listen to it. Allow God to inspire you to stretch, to learn, and to conquer fear.

Volunteer. Whether your money, your time, your inspiration, or your encouragement, make your impact beneficial to others.

Give more than just once a year, develop a lifestyle of giving (whatever that means for you).

Listen attentively to difficult stories, and consider whether you should act.

Determine to live life happy, healthy, successful, and free. Let it get to you today. You can do it!

Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season,

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, christianity, conquering fear, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 6 Comments »

Beat The Blues

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Life has its seasons that are not dictated by a calendar. During the holidays, or a special celebration such as a wedding, you may wonder why you do not share the same happiness or enthusiasm as those around you. The pressure to perform as if you feel differently can cause discomfort, and comparing yourself against expectations can create the blues. You can give in to your sad feelings and allow them to dictate your reactions, or you can fight the despair and beat the blues.

This does not mean your feelings disappear. It means you face them. It is not easy. But you can do it! You may not be able to control the circumstances around you, but you can control your attitude, your thoughts, and your stance as you face life. Are you determined to make it and beat the blues? To know how to fight your way out, you must figure out what you are facing. Here is an exercise to sort out what feelings are stirring underneath, and to face them to beat the blues.

Sometimes you just feel down. Loneliness, sadness, and unrealistic expectations can trigger feelings of inadequacy and a sense of despair. Are you comparing yourself to others or to an impossible standard you created? Are you allowing unexpected circumstances or changes to derail your life journey? You can find bits of pleasure through the pain. You can get out of the pit and find true happiness.

You still have to grieve, but you can lessen tragedy’s impact on your life by taking care of yourself. First be sure you just have the blues, and not true depression. If you are not sure, check with an authority on the subject. There are sometimes chemical imbalances that need a doctor’s care, and you might need to have a professional help you regularly address your depression to get through it. Next, be sure you are caring for your basic needs. How are you managing stress? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating to give yourself energy rather than run you down to fatigue? Finally, are you ready to be happy again? If you are determined to be down, you will be. You need to be at your best to fulfill the life purpose God has given you. Are you ready? Whether you are depressed or just feeling the blues, your attitude and thought life will play an important role in feeling better. This exercise can show you how to fight it, to face it, and to beat the blues.

In the 1960’s, The Byrds had a famous song entitled “Turn! Turn! Turn!” based on Ecclesiastes chapter 3 of the Bible which begins “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…”. This exercise uses the lines of chapter 3 as a blueprint to understand the seasons of life. See where you are now by how you interpret each line. Your answers, if you are honest, will help you understand the strongest currents in your life at this time. Notice which lines stir up the strongest emotions, and promise to give yourself time to sort them out.

When you are saddened by something, you may feel guilty for not enjoying the happiness of others as you would like. While you still congratulate others and act courteous at gatherings, you do not need to be fake. It is important to allow time alone to process your own feelings. This may involve writing in a journal, talking to a friend, time in prayer, reading, crying, or taking some action to resolve the matter. If you are motivated to act, allow the emotional dust to settle first, to ensure you are confident of your decision. Then create a better you.

To everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
and a time to die;

What images do you see? Are some harder to think about than others? I remember the sadness I felt while my husband and I tried desperately to overcome infertility, and I still feel the joy at our answers to prayer at the births of each of our three children. I also think of a loved one I miss.

Have you noticed that the news seems filled with more tragedy around the holidays? A two-year-old dies suddenly. Parents killed. Woman attacked. While the news media may increase their focus on these stories at that time, I suggest it is also our heightened sensitivity to everything we value. This also happens when you are grieving a tragic loss. When the feelings are raw and you have not had time to heal, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by reminders of what you have lost (or what you never had). How can you further your healing today? Is there a place for your grief in your life? If you do not make a place to express it, it expresses itself somehow, usually helping you to overreact to circumstances. What fear can you conquer today? Are you plagued with worry that your loved ones may die suddenly and outside of anyone’s control? Change your thoughts today. Focus on the time you have, however long. Life is too precious to spend one more minute wondering ‘what if’. Instead, think only on what is.

A time to plant,
and a time to pluck what is planted;

How have you sown the seeds for your future? Persistence, patience, and endurance will help you achieve your goals. What are you planting? Is it time to reap the harvest? The original Hebrew word translated as ‘pluck’ here indicates to tear it out by the roots. Are there any weeds you need to remove by the roots, so they do not take hold in your life again?

A time to kill,
and a time to heal;
a time to break down,
and a time to build up;

What is festering inside you that you need to destroy? This sense of ‘kill’ means to smite, to slay, or to destroy. Where do you need to heal? This Hebrew word means to mend by stitching, to repair, to thoroughly make whole. Notice that it is an active process. You are not just healed by time. What steps can you take today to heal any wounds? What in your life do you need to break down or to build up?

There was a time in my life when I criticized myself, playing the tapes in my head of all the negatives I had internalized from myself and others over the years. I finally determined to stop tearing myself down. I deliberately broke down the hurtful messages from the past and replaced them with truth. How can you build yourself up today?

A time to weep,
and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
And a time to dance;

Life is full of emotions. When I gave up my eating disorder, I determined to live without numbing out. I replaced the addiction with healthy habits, and now I intentionally experience life, the good and the bad. Is it time to weep or to mourn for you? Can you find more ways to laugh or to dance, to celebrate life?

A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones;

Are you creating stairs with your life steps, stones that lead to success? Is there anything you are building that is leading where you do not want to go? Cast away those stones and change your course. Gather your courage to follow God’s purpose for you, and it will lead to peace. Do you want to start a new business, go back to school, or change careers?

A time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;

Is there someone you need to comfort? Do you need comforting? Is there a relationship you need to sever? Is there a relationship you are afraid to start but feel you should? Take courage and act in confidence.

A time to get,
and a time to lose;
A time to keep,
and a time to throw away;

A time to strive after, to seek for, and to search out something, especially through prayer. Are you attending to your spiritual component? Is there something unsettled within you? Are you struggling with your understanding about God, or are you sensing a new direction for your life? There is a time to seek after answers. What do you need to get in your life? What do you need to lose or to wander away from? Do you need to sort your life and priorities? What do you need to keep, and what should be thrown away?

A time to tear,
and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;

What hinderances need to be ripped or torn from your life, and what needs to be sewn together or mended?  Do you need to speak up about something, or keep quiet even though you wish to get involved?  Use discipline and be the best you possible. 

At a time when families gather, there are often years of hurt feelings under the surface. People are not perfect. You often hurt those you feel most comfortable around. Do you need to give an apology to someone? Do you need to forgive? Depending on the severity of the act, you can give someone another chance, or stay guarded immediately. But you forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the act, nor that you forget. Trust has to be earned back. But forgiveness means you no longer allow the offender to control you, and you rise above their mistake. When you forgive, the memory of the past event will lessen its impact on your current emotions. Forgiveness improves your health as your stress level decreases.

A time to love,
and a time to hate;
a time of war,
and a time of peace.

This term for love can mean sexual or friendship love. Are there affections you need to grow in your marriage? Do you need to give more attention to your children?  Are there friendships you need to nurture? Is there any part of your life you need to hate? Where are you at war, and where are you needing peace?

I used to love my eating disorder. It was killing me, but I used it to cope. I needed to hate it, and I finally went to war. I took a chance that God really did have a plan for me. I dared to believe that I had something special to contribute to the world, that I could accomplish the goals I desired and that I was worth the effort. I now have peace. This word for peace can be translated as a sense of safety, a feeling of wellness, a happiness. Do you need more health, more prosperity, more peace?

Do not compare yourself to how you think you should feel.  Rather, check if you are progressing forward from where you were, healing through it, not trying to go around it.  Where are you stirred up today? Do you have the big picture of your life at this moment? Make a determination to change your thoughts that are defeating you, to bravely face your fears and challenges, and by getting excited about your future and taking action on your present, to beat the blues. You will be a better you.

Patricia

 

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How To Develop An Attitude Of Gratitude

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

True gratefulness comes from a conscious decision to recognize your blessings, coupled with the emotional feelings that accompany a thankful heart. An ungrateful person can utter the words “thank you” in protest. A thankful person can hold their gratitude as a guarded secret, yearning to be shared. Grateful people not only count and take joy in their blessings, but they influence others with words and deeds by deliberately displaying their pleasure and appreciation to those who should receive it. Life is full of opportunities for giving thanks. Do you seek them out? Are you remembering to show appreciation to those closest to you? If you complain, you will find yourself with plenty of others to join in. If you live a positive, grateful, successful life, you will attract other positive, grateful, and successful people. Do not stifle your future by neglecting your attitude. Begin by developing your grateful spirit today.

“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks…” Brian Tracy

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?” William A. Ward

“When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them.” Chinese Proverb

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” John F. Kennedy

Why should you have a good attitude, a positive mindset, in the form of an attitude of gratitude? The most altruistic reasons are for the betterment of humankind. Saying thank you helps others feel good. Another reason to develop an attitude of gratitude is that positive people attract each other. If you are a complainer, you can easily find others to “validate you” in your misery. But consider if you are seeking out those who agree and alienating those who do not. If you display a positive outlook, you will attract positive people. Positive and successful attitudes include at their core appreciation and gratitude. Develop yours.

One further reason is that research shows it is beneficial to your health (Mcollough, Emmons 2003). In this study, one participant group recorded a diary of daily events, another group wrote down unpleasant experiences, and the third group wrote down a daily record listing things for which they were grateful. The gratitude group was more likely to help others, exercise, and complete personal goals, while reporting more determination, optimism, alertness, energy, and enthusiasm. It is interesting to note that this study also found people who take time to deliberately record their gratitude were more likely to feel loved, and found more kindness reciprocated to them as they sent out an increase of kindness from their attitude.  Also, grateful people were grateful regardless of whether special events happened in their day or not.  In other words, they did not just have moments of gratefulness, but grateful attitudes.

“Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.” Phil. 4:6 In this scripture, I believe we are shown this health effect. God does not just say “do not worry”, but gives a road map. Pray (give it to God and gain perspective), petition (count your blessings: list your needs so you feel heard), and give thanks (show an attitude of gratitude, in word or deed!).

“Just do it!”, made popular by a Nike shoes television commercial, is a great motivating slogan- but it is more complicated than that.. Make a head decision to be a positive and grateful person, to just do it. But then, take the necessary steps to get your emotions in line with your mind, so you can be authentically grateful. If you are only faking it, it will show. Have you ever wondered why you may have given a bad first impression to someone? Maybe you know they did not see the real you? Consider if it was your attitude. Even when you try to hide it, like a strong odor (or a beautiful fragrance), it seeps through in even the shortest of conversations.

For example, I know several who consider the speed-dating concept a great way to narrow down the possibilities. This is where you sit and talk with someone for usually just 5 minutes, and then a new person rotates in to talk with you. After everyone has met, each can decide who to get to know further. While it is impossible to know everything about someone in such a short period of time, it is easy to get a general idea of their attitude on life, and to judge whether you share a similar life philosophy or outlook. Notice I said judge, because people glean first impressions all the time. Is the impression you are imparting representative of the true you? Whether you know it or not, your attitude shows. So make yours a pleasant one.

Here is how to cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

1. Get perspective. Have you ever done much traveling? When you fly in an airplane and watch the ascent, you see how little your town really looks from above the clouds. For the nervous or new flyer, the worries of everyday life can melt away as the mind focuses on whether the flight will arrive without incident. After the landing, even the grumpiest individuals are often filled with gratitude for safety. It is all in perspective. You can choose to focus on what you do not have, or make a conscious effort to notice what you do have. If you cannot see it, get a new view.

“True thanksgiving means that we need to thank God for what He has done for us, and not to tell Him what we have done for Him.” George R. Hendrick

I remember one Thanksgiving holiday when I was single and living alone in a new state. I helped serve meals to the homeless, and then returned to my apartment for the evening. I was used to a traditional celebration, which includes family and all the fixings. But not that year. In fact, I had forgotten to go to the grocery store so I planned on either eating out or shopping last minute for a dinner. The roads were too icy to drive a great distance, and living in a small town, I suddenly discovered every place was closed. I was glad they were all with their families, but the best I could do, due to my poor planning, was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I started to feel sorry for myself, but immediately remembered my determined stance. I turned it around, and felt thankfulness at my deepest core. I changed my perspective and realized that I needed to give thanks. I gave thanks to God for my dreams, hopes, and my overcoming attitude. I was thankful that I could afford a roof over my head, being sheltered from the cold. I was thankful for my memories of a warm traditional Thanksgiving, and for His peace that someday I would create that with my own family. I was thankful, most of all, for personal growth. I was still in pain, but I was healing. And I was grateful.

2. Count your blessings. Name them, list them, draw them, but count them. To truly feel gratitude as part of a lifestyle of a grateful heart, you have to acknowledge your blessings. “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.” Eric Hoffer

A note for those healing from sudden tragedy or trauma. There is a grief process, and as it says in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything. You need time to get over the shock and sadness, but do not let yourself get stuck in it. If a marathon runner were suddenly shot and bleeding from a life-threatening wound, would you talk at him and tell him just to smile and run faster? No, you would get him to a hospital to heal. He is still a great runner. You can develop an attitude of gratitude, and be truly grateful inside. But if you need a moment to heal, it is okay, you will run again later (and people will once again see your positive outlook that is temporarily obscured). Let God comfort you as you heal.

3. Give thanks- show your attitude in word or deed. “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William A. Ward

Recognizing the efforts of others helps them feel appreciated. It is interesting that we should want to help those we cherish the most feel the best, but in reality the reverse often happens. Many times, we neglect to thank those closest to us (especially when we see their actions as part of an expected role). Instead, we remember to thank casual acquaintances we see while running errands. Both are important. Give thanks to those who make your life easier during the day, but also express your gratitude to those you care about the most. I make it a point to thank my husband for doing things around the house, because I want him to know I appreciate him. I thank my children for being kind to each other and I notice that positive reinforcement is the greatest motivator, and a great example to them. I look for ways to share my gratitude, so here is one now:

I want to thank God for how my life has changed, and for showing me how to live happy, healthy, successful, and free. I also thank my husband and my three beautiful children, who mean the world to me, and continue to teach me about life and love. Finally, thank you to my friends, and to my readers, who encourage me, and allow me to fulfill my purpose and share my positive motivations to help create a better you.

Thankfully yours,

Patricia

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