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How to Start Over: Rebuild or Just Remodel

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

You need a change.  Something is not right, and you feel unsettled.  This is not how life is supposed to be.  You need to start over.  But what exactly does this mean?  Some will advise you to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start.  Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success.  Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder your success. Your life is like a building.  Sometimes you need to tear down the entire structure and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary.  It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut yourself off from everyone and everything you believe in and care about just because your life is not going in the right direction.  Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation you need to fulfill your life purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.  Here are three things to help you start over: help to identify which of the four key parts of life you need to change, help to remove common hinderances to starting over, and encouragements to just do it, whatever this means for you.  Create a better you today!

1.  Identify exactly how you should start over, and how you should not. 

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider.  The following will help you determine what extent you may wish to start over in different aspects of your life, with some cautions along the way.

Mentally

You may need to start over mentally.  This can range from changing how you approach only one aspect of life, to changing your entire mental approach to life.  If your thoughts are defeating you, change what you think, but do so carefully.  Do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash your brain.  Let me explain.  In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat. 

For example, when you choose to watch television, commercials innundate you with subliminal messages that will often influence your choice at the supermarket, whether you know it or not.  You take that risk, however, because the reward of your show is worth a little product branding to you.  Likewise, when you hear comments you did not solicit, you can automatically allow them to alter how you think about yourself, or you can make a conscious choice to evaluate whether they are coming from a credible source and to dismiss those unworthy of consideration. 

Everyone has a message, and when you accept and internalize information, you are re-structuring a part of how you think.  The difference is in whether you make a conscious choice to screen out what you accept as authority and allow to wash you brain, or whether you allow everyone’s opinions to throw you into confusion.  As a child, you should be surrounded by positive mental reinforcement as you learn the confidence to distinguish between the constructive encouragment of loved ones and the destructive malicious attacks of others.  Unfortunately, children are often exposed to hurtful ourpourings of anger, internalizing these attacks into their sense of self-worth. 

As an adult, if you do not re-write these negative beliefs, or if you accept all other opinions as correct, you will find your life needs a change.  Deep inside, you are not happy.  You need to know your life has purpose, you have great talent waiting to be developed, and you are valuable to the world and to God.  You need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in your life.  You need to start over.  You may just need to re-write your thoughts about your career, and start to dream big dreams.  You may only need to change how you view your relationships, and how you handle lonliness.  You may need to cut off a destructive relationship, or you may be able to stay close, especially with family, while gaining the confidence to ignore destructive comments.  You may also need to change how you see yourself, your worth, and your strengths as a person.  You may find, however, that you need to start from scratch, that your mind is filled with negative thoughts.  You need to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph.  There is a time for everything, and this is your time.  Start now.

Geographically

You may need to start over geographically.  If it is for career reasons, the change may be forced upon you, or it may be an exciting achievement and a goal you finally reached.  For others, you may need to move to make a fresh start as part of a new you.  Ask yourself these questions.  Are you moving because it is the best for your life right now, or are you moving because it is the easiest way to start over?  A physical move is never easy.  Psychology experts generally suggest you requre about two years to adjust to major changes such as moving to a new state. 

While it can be difficult to move, sometimes people think a geographical change is the best solution to get away from problems.  If this is the only way to be safe, the only way to keep yourself or your loved ones from harm, then it is the best for your life.  If, however, you think you have to leave because the pain is just too strong, be sure there are not more effective ways to get through your pain.  Remember, when you face your pain, you can conquer it as you heal, but when you run from your pain, you will usually find it follows you, as it grows in the chase.

I once had the chance to move out of state.  At first, I did not go, because I knew it was not the right time.  It would have been the easiest way to escape my challenges, but I knew I needed to face what was hurting and to leave not because I was trying to escape the pain, but because God opened the doors to a new part of my life.  I faced my fears, and stayed where I was, until the time was right.  When I did finally move, it was because my career and my life were headed in that direction.  Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it can be exactly what your life needs.  If you think this is you, pray about it, talk about it, and then when you are sure, embrace it.  Seize the opportunity and make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

You may need to start over emotionally.  Do you fill up with rage and need help controlling your responses?  Are you depressed, in despair, and isolating yourself?  Do you find yourself managing stress in mostly healthy ways, but one particular aspect of life seems overwhelming?  Are you burdened by grief over something and you cannot find joy in what remains?  I have included links to some other posts to help in these areas, but the first step is to identify that you need to start over. 

Do you need a drastic change in how you respond, setting yourself free from addictive or other destructive patterns?  Do you just need some minor adjustments in how your life flows, to make a conscious decision to fight for the peace you once had in one particular area of life?  This emotional area often feeds into your mental area, and vice versa.  Are your emotions swinging because of your mental messages?  Are you frozen by fear and inhibited by uncertainty?  You can start over, in the big and little ways your emotions impact every day.  Start today, to get healthy for a new you.

Spiritually

You may need to start over spiritually.  Parents generally want their children to follow their religious affiliations.  As a Christian, I also want my children to learn the Bible and to love God.  Some pastors say between 60 and 90% of graduates stop attending church, while a recent UT Austin study suggests what changes is participation, where 62% of Protestants attend church less often after graduating.  The point is that many times college is where students first consider what they really believe in life, apart from their parents. 

When you think about starting over spiritually, listen to your heart, where your spiritual life begins.  I believe God calls to you, so search out when you have questions.  My caution, an important one, is to consider why you are making a change.  If, for example, you are a Christian dismissing your religion because of the poor example from your parents or after seeing hypocrates, you need to realize they are imperfect people representing a perfect God.  No religion has perfect people.  Not one.  If, however, you are living in a belief system and feeling deep within that God is teaching you to seek out the truth elsewhere, seek wise counsel, listen, and learn.  Do not neglect your spiritual life, and have the courage to start over when you feel led.

2.  Remove the hinderances to starting over.

Now that you know what areas need a new you, how do you motivate yourself to make practical changes?  To start over and remove the hinderances to your success, you need to do three things:

change your sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair.  Many people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people and sit in the “poor me” spot.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes it hits you hard, and you should never have to deal with the pain or troubles you face.  But they are there.  Face them anyway, and triumph despite your challenges.  Change your expectation of fairness, and realize comparing to others only hinders you.  Push through your sense of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

challenge your sense of effort

You may not want to do what it will take, you may not think you should have to, but if it is really worth it, do it anyway.  Put forth the effort, and re-define what this means.  Effort is not the amount of energy that you think something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what.  If your diet, exercise, or stop-smoking plan is harder than you think, instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, if it is truly a worthwhile goal, then decide it is worth this effort, the effort that challenges you beyond what you imagined possible, and keep going or start over again: do it anyway.  You can do it!

I just applied this to my own life in writing my dissertation.  I did it.  I finished and passed my dissertation defense!  For those who are not familiar with the Ph.D. requirements, after coursework is finished and your dissertation proposal is successfully completed, you advance to candidacy and write “the book”, your original research of 200-300 pages.  Then comes the final defense examination where you pass or fail.  After you pass, you turn in the final version, and graduate.  Yeah!  I am so excited, and I thank God for all the ways I found strength I never thought I had to make it.  You see, I had to revise my sense of effort.

I expended more than twice as much energy and time than I had planned to complete my dissertation.  I always found the failure statistics amazing for PhD candidates– over 50% never finish their dissertation!  On this side, I can see how hard it really is.  When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, three young children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other candidate. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take, prevent me from expending the effort it did take.  I pushed on, doing whatever necessary to complete it.  Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates your success!

choose your sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who you allow to influence you.  Ignore those who say you can’t, and believe you can.  Start over today! 

3. Just do it! 

For practical ways to take action now, visit some of our other articles such as four steps to make it happen,  start a new habit or break a bad one, managing stress, and dream your dreams to achieve greatness, or browse our archives for other inspirations. 

You can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it.  Think big, dream wide, and act small.  Keep your eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time.  No more excuses.  If you know what is required for a better you, start over today.  Start from where you are, or start from scratch, but wherever you need a change, start over as if you can create who you want to become, because you can.  You can do it!

Do you have any suggestions to help people start over?  Share with us what works for you.  Towards a better you, 

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 9 Comments »

30 Ways to Instantly be a Better Parent

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

I am spending many late nights finishing my dissertation, and I find with so much serious concentration that I look forward to playing games with my children even more during the day. Coloring with chalk and playing hide and seek are great ways to distract me from the 300 pages of academic writing I am trying to complete. As I watch my children, I am encouraged to be the best parent I can by always trying to do better. You do not have to be a perfect parent, but be perfectly motivated to do your best parenting every day.  Parenting is a huge responsibility that does not come with much training, so here are some practical ways to be a better parent, one day and one decision at a time.

1. When you tackle a project, find a way to give your child some role in the task.

From preschool to the teenage years, children love to feel needed, and working together provides opportunity to talk and learn about how things function. My husband worked on cars with his dad since he could barely hold a hammer, and now my son does the same with his dad. Whether you are getting organized, mowing the lawn, creating a scrapbook, doing household chores, or building something on a computer, do it together. Even by simply giving your 4-year-old the socks to sort by color and fold, you are doing something great!

2. Think before you speak.

Automatically you are a better parent if you do this one. Words said in haste or impatience can leave a lasting impression on their hearts, like a footprint in cement. When you are emotional or tempted to react instead of respond, think. In most cases, waiting a few seconds or minutes to speak will only help the situation as tempers settle down on all sides.

3. Ask your children about their day, and listen with interest and support.

4. Find some genuine compliment or praise you can give them. Look for ways to reward kindness and responsibility every day.

5. Change your countenance when you make eye contact- smile!

They see you frustrated, now let them know they help add peace to the family. Knowing your day is brighter just by their presence gives them confidence and improved self-esteem.

6. Encourage talent and find one new thing to introduce to them and help to open up their world. One new skill, idea, location, career, and possibility. Do this often.

7. Next time you try to get your kids’ attention, instead of talking louder and louder, talk softer and softer.

You command more respect and attention with a stern voice than with a harsh yell. If they cannot hear you, get closer and calmly speak again.

8. Say NO, firmly but with compassion.

If you feel guilty, is it because there is no logical reason for your no (then fix this), or is it because you just feel bad for your child who is sad (and you need to go with your gut to protect them). Know you are a better parent and show your love by setting limits.

9. Say YES, and sacrifice when you had not intended to do so.

Do one more thing for your children that is extra special, even though you do not have to, and show them how important their happiness is to you. Then enjoy the reward of their excitement as you watch them smile.

10. Be consistent and transparent.

You know what consequences to expect if you are late to work, you do not pay your bills, or you commit a crime. If you are late to work you will not be thrown in jail for life. Do you ever remember feeling like your teacher or parent was administering too much punishment for the type of wrong deed? Be sure your children know what to expect, what to avoid, and can trust you to be fair and consistent in your discipline. Be sure they know you love them even if you do not love their actions, but that they still learn to take responsibility for their actions. Always be sure they are safe and not in fear of harm from your anger. Start communicating. Stick with a healthy plan, and administer it in love. As you do this, you are already a better parent. Keep it up and keep getting better.

11. Do something for yourself.

Yes, I mean you, the hard working parent who fills up the day with so much you wish you could have nap time yourself. For me, these articles help me express what is on my mind, and give me some time alone in quiet thought. What is your outlet? Take care of yourself and instantly be a better, happier, more refreshed parent.

12. Assume the best, not the worst.

Kids often feel like they are guilty until proven innocent. When they start to tell you something, before you become defensive or over-react, consider if you are only worried about your assumptions, not what they are actually saying. They will sense your distrust, and shy away from openness if it is unwarranted.

13. If trust has been broken in the past, give your child a clear roadmap to earn it back.

Children need to know you will forgive them and that it is possible to restore your confidence in them, or they may develop a “why bother” attitude. Give them a reason to get past their mistakes and turn them into strengthening lessons for a lifetime of successful living.

14. Let them see your strength in weakness- conquer your bad example.

Is there an area in your life that needs improvement? Children are perceptive, and will learn by your example if you fight to give up your bad habits. The best way to show them how to live successful and free is to live this way yourself. Everyone can strive to do better, to be better. Whether you have an addiction, you are just not taking care of your body, you procrastinate, or you need to work on your attitude during stressful times, every step you take to improve yourself will show your children that change is possible and life is full of possibilities.

15. Show up for the important times, and listen to know what these really are (do not just assume).

16. Take one more step today towards living what you believe and instantly be a better parent.

Share your faith and world view not just as something on paper, but by living it. Be who you say you are and lead by example. As a Christian, the best way I can encourage my children to embrace God and my beliefs is to show them how my relationship with God makes my everyday life better. They see how I really live, and learn more from what I do (and do not do) than what I say.

17. Eat one meal together every day as a family, away from the television and phone.

18. Children love routine, so add a new tradition.

I play checkers after school with my elementary school son. He looks forward to our time together, and I love to hear about his day as we play together. Last year I started a silly little saying when I picked up my children from preschool or school. I would get in the car, stop putting on my seatbelt, and turn to them each and say “Oh, look at that face, oh I missed you!” and reach back for a hug. This always got big smiles, and one day I forgot and started the engine and my 4-year-old said with a grin “Mommy, you forgot to look at my face!” You can add a night time routine, such as saying “I love you” or saying a prayer before going to sleep where you thank God for the thrill of your children (letting them hear your gratitude for their lives). Start a new tradition today.

19. Have a family fun time at least once a week.

Cut out something from your schedule if you have to, but find a way to play together. No criticism or work involved, just have a good time hanging together as a family.

20. Next time you wonder why your children react in a certain way, imagine the scenario through their perspective.

What would you want to see different to help lessen anxiety? Often children see adults impatient, angry, or annoyed with them. Trying to figure out why they feel as they do can help you know how to help them. Even if you cannot or will not change the circumstances, you might see how to help them better adapt to their discomfort.

21. Give your child a physical sign of affection every day.

A hug, pat on the back, or even a squeeze on the hand can show you care. Scientists show that physical affection from trusted loved ones helps reduce stress and elevate mood. Infants who are never held will die, and as you grow up you continue to receive comfort from touch.

22. When tempted to argue as adults in front of your child, stop. You just became a better parent.

It is healthy to work out minor differences in front of your kids and let them see how people solve problems, provided you are truly resolving the issues and not tearing each other down, but deeper disagreements need to be managed in private. Children of all ages internalize comments they hear, so talking about how something makes you feel can leave your child feeling responsible and taking on unnecessary stress.

23. Do not argue with your children.

You are the parent. Command respect by telling them you will gladly listen to their side, but there will be no argument.

24. Seek out humor, and laugh at the unexpected!

Are you so stressed out and tired that you almost cried just because you spilled your coke? Break the mood and laugh at how you let yourself get disproportionately frazzled. Your children will laugh too, and learn how to relieve stress. Find funny comic strips, and laugh at jokes your children tell you. Laughter is good for your body inside and out.

25. When your children approach you for attention, give it as soon as possible. 

Have a signal you can give that means just a minute, finish up your immediate task as quickly as possible, and then drop everything, look them in the eye, and give them five minutes. Whether they just want to tell you a joke, perform a puppet show, or vent about a problem with some friends, send them the message you are available and approachable, and you value your children. Let them know they are a priority.

26. Try something new and learn it together. Let your child become the teacher or help solve a problem.

27. Vary your activities and your environment. Encourage your children to go outdoors, to play indoors, and to do different things throughout the day.

28. Help your children attend to their own four core components to be happy, and lead by example yourself.

Live in balance, and help your children adjust their schedule if it is too busy or if they need to explore a new activity.

29. Read together every day, especially books about their interests.

30. Every child learns differently so discover your child’s learning style.  Encourage a love of learning, encourage dreams and goals, tell your children ”You can do it!” and believe it with them!

Posted in attitude, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, family, goals, humor, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, people skills, personal development, play, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management | 17 Comments »

Being Honest With Yourself

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

I was baffled. My clothes were fitting tighter, my feet were swelling up, I was not pregnant, I ate the same amount of food, and I lived an active lifestyle. I could not figure out why I seemed to be gaining weight, so I rationalized it away. “My clothes are shrinking, my weight is just re-distributing, or I am just retaining water.” I felt blah. After a few months of denying it, when I could no longer zip up my pants all the way, I finally faced it. I stood on the scale and saw 15 new pounds. In my frustration, I told my husband. “I do not know what is wrong with this food plan. I guess I will just buy bigger clothes.” I then laughed at my logic immediately, realizing I was blaming a reliable healthy eating plan for my weight. He knew I was low on energy from the extra pounds, and also had an answer. “Give yourself a break. You just stopped nursing a baby, maybe that is the reason.” I could not believe I forgot about that factor. When I nursed, I had to eat more for the baby. Now, I needed to go back to an amount of food for just me. I think rather than forgetting about this, I was just avoiding the truth. It was more convenient for me to ignore any possible responsibility on my part to prevent having to change what I was doing. Change. Uncomfortable, yet freeing. I grumbled a bit, consoled myself, and then made the change.

Losing the weight was worth the adjustment. I chose to be healthy, and I had to be honest to get there.

When you are not honest with yourself, something just does not feel right. You may feel disconnected, frustrated, or apathetic, and you are not sure why. Maybe you avoid being honest about little things, hide from the reality of important matters, or maybe you even avoid the truth when your life depends on it. You may feel like you are just trying to get by, and wonder when life will be fun again. Inside you feel one way, but you ignore it, rationalize it away, or avoid accepting the truth. Figure out what is driving you to deny what is, get honest with yourself, and change your life today.

Here are four reasons we avoid being honest:

1. We resist being honest with ourselves because it hurts and seems overwhelming. These create defining moments when we must decide to conquer fear and trust God for strength to push through the pain and achieve the honesty we need.

When my eating disorder was draining me of strength and hope, I had to get honest with myself despite how painful or difficult it was to face my circumstances. Psalms 51:6 says “You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part you will make me know wisdom.” and John 8:32 says “You will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” (NASB version of the Bible). I faced the truth and dealt with the pain of my past rather than continue to stuff it down and pretend it did not exist. I moved on, determined to succeed and to be defined by only the positive events in life. Now, I am 15 years free of that hold, and God reminds me to take care of myself as best I can. Now I live to be real, and to have what I feel be in line with my actions. If I have a chip on my shoulder about something, I deal with it, because that is a part of being honest. I need to be honest in both big and little things, no matter what.

When we are hurt, we naturally avoid dealing with the pain. Our bodies react to pain by sending a message to the nerve receptors to “numb out”. Eventually they adapt and we sense the pain, signaling it is time to fix the wound. We act this way emotionally too. We initially want to deny trauma or other events occur, but to grow and thrive, we need to face the pain at the right time and with the right help. Sometimes there are deep wounds that need healing. I have fought this battle, and no longer allow this pain to rule my life. It took time to process through, to understand I was not to blame, and to heal, but I did it, and you can too, whatever your hurt. A deeper cut needs more attention than a superficial scrape. Attend to your wounds. Be honest about where you are and move past your past.

2. We avoid the truth when we are embarrassed or ashamed of our mistakes, or misfortunes, and would rather pretend they do not exist. Without getting honest and taking responsibility for our goofs, whether tragic or just slightly embarrassing, we can allow even one event to steer our life off course. Big or small, we still need to face our circumstances.

One time in college I fell for a scam phone call that promised a free trip for just a nominal “shipping” fee. I delivered my money, with the promise my prize would arrive in the mail. When I later realized my mistake, I was so embarrassed. I was supposed to be smarter than that! I was convinced by the idea of something for nothing, and I allowed myself to see only what I wanted to see. It could have cost me my entire checking account balance, but I swallowed my pride and went to the bank. I stopped payment on the check in time, and the bank said I was lucky it was not too late, because this scam robbed so many of so much. I saw the looks of the bank officials as they saw another young lady duped. I almost did not go to the bank. I rationalized why I should not worry about it and that it was too late anyway, but I felt God tugging at my spirit and my conscious would not stop bothering me until I acted. I am so glad I did fix it, embarrassment and all. In this trivial life lesson, I learned to be more guarded with my trust.

3. We resist being honest because of what the truth says about us, and the fear it changes who we are. You are not your fears, but you define yourself by them when you give in to the lies trying to beat you down. Are you replaying an event over and over again in your mind? Stop it. Process the pain yourself, or go to a friend or counselor to get it out, but find a way to move on. If you are stuck in a loop you will keep going around in circles and miss the beauty of the terrain up ahead. Get back on track for your life journey.

When you think about who you are, if you find yourself too harsh, maybe you are not being honest with yourself about your abilities, your inner strength, and your endearing qualities. Do you treat yourself like dirt? Stop it. You are valuable, and you have something to offer the world. Find out who you are, be proud of your skills, and hold your head high. Being honest is not just about the challenges. You need to be honest about your strengths, too!

4. We resist being honest because it means we have to change, and with change comes sacrifice.

There is always a fix. Many times things will not be as they were, but there are often actions you can take, and things you can do to change the effects of an action, to forgive, to restore yourself, to heal. Find a way to be more honest and embrace the change it brings.

Be honest with your finances. Are you really cutting back when needed, or are you just stressed because you do not want to change the lifestyle you desire? Finances strain relationships, and how you spend your money shows what you value. Be honest with yourself and be aware of your choices.

Be honest with your relationships. Are you treating others right, and are you treated right? Where there is pain, get healing. Where there is tension, fight your way back to peace. Start by investing your time.

Be honest about your habits. Are you managing stress or robbing your life of precious years with self-destruction? Are you acting on life as it comes, responding to change, and adapting to accomplish your goals? Get honest, get hope, and change today. You can do it!

Be honest about your priorities. Your life affects others. You have something to offer, so seize it and work for it every day. Do your actions reflect your true priorities, or are you aimlessly wandering through life? Are you blaming others or your past for your inaction today? Get focused, get ready, and take action today.

Ginny’s courage fighting her illness taught me to look for the positive despite good or bad times, to fight for what is important, and to be honest with myself. Being honest is rewarding, healing, and energizing. Think of a time when you were honest with yourself and faced the difficult or uncomfortable. How can you be more honest with yourself now? Create a better you today. You can do it!

 

Posted in a higher power, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, eating disorders, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 10 Comments »

Make the Most of Every Moment: Lessons from the Terminal Illness That Wasn’t

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

Ginny wept as I held her. “It’s not fair!” she cried, “Why me?” The pain surged through her body, and she cringed as she moved her aching muscles. After a few minutes of tears, she drew a deep breath, and looked me in the eyes. “I’ll be okay, you’ll see.” She stood up, drew her shoulders back with confidence, and smiled again. “I just needed to get that out. I’m ready to fight again.” She took her dose of ten pills waiting for her on the counter, and we went back to doing our school work. She had no other choice if she wanted to live. She chose life, and faced it with optimism despite a greater burden than any twelve-year-old should have to endure.

She showed this attitude of determination to everyone she met. The doctors were amazed at her courage, and her family drew strength in her positive attitude. Sometimes, however, she needed a quiet place to cry, to be comforted, and to grieve the pain she endured. She was honest with herself, but positive about life. There was a time for everything, and I learned about living from her journey both through dying and beating death.

Ginny started out active and healthy, playing sports and enjoying the outdoors, but when her young body began growing tired quickly, the doctors had bad news: Ginny had an illness they called terminal. After years of fighting, however, she proved them wrong.

I met Ginny when I had to miss a considerable number of school days because of my own illness. Mine went away, and hers did not. We grew to be close friends spending days together in elementary school, and after I got better, we stayed friends. She had many month-long hospital stays in junior high and high school, and I spent countless long summer days at her hospital, hiding from nurses or playing with the elevators, just for something fun to do. We made the most of the time she had, because they said it would be short.

She was sick enough to receive a wish from the Make A Wish Foundation, an amazing organization dedicated to wishes of terminally ill children. I can count at least 5 times during our teen years that I rushed to her side to say goodbye, since it was certain she would not make it through the night. We prayed, knowing that God would be there to welcome her into heaven. Every time, she miraculously made it through.

After her teen years, as suddenly as the illness struck, it disappeared. The doctors were baffled. Her health is still not the best, she still sees symptoms occasionally, but she is proof the impossible is possible. She is now married and in her thirties, living every day for the time God gives her, while knowing more than most how much we take for granted.

Ginny taught me how to be honest with myself, and yet keep a positive attitude at the same time. There were many times she wanted to quit taking her medicine, and a few times she did. She thought maybe she could test if God healed her, or that by stopping the medicine, somehow the disease would go away. As her symptoms quickly worsened, she had to face the truth. She needed the medicine to survive, so she took it again. She cried it out, and then toughed it out. But she did not let this change her attitude. She met each day with a focus not on what she would miss, but what she could do. She found joy in little things and appreciated the beauty of the outdoors for those few times she could be in it.

I also learned about life from an adult friend who fought cancer with all her might, kept a great attitude, but left us quickly. I do not know why this happened to her, but I do know that her great attitude may have given her the extra days she had before going, and most certainly helped her get the most out of those final moments with her own children. She was a teacher, and I know she would cherish this quote: “Live each day as if it were your last, but learn each day as if you will live forever.” (author unknown, but Og Mandino originated the first part).

Both she and Ginny did the best to enjoy live, had a positive outlook, and lived more life in sickness than many people do in twice as many years of health.

Life is not always fair, but we can always live beyond just fair, and choose to make our days exceptional.

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (NIV, Bible).

The impossible is possible. Uncertainty is a part of life, but do not let it prevent you from living. Love, laugh, and dream. Live for today and create a better tomorrow.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, change, christianity, family, goals, motivation, parenting, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, work & career | 14 Comments »

5 Steps to Overcome Fear of Failure

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Fear invades like a sudden fog, limiting your view and clouding your reasoning. When you are caught disoriented, can you find your way out? Does fear paralyze you into retreat, or do you know the way to push on? Fear of failure affects everyone. When you recognize it in your own life, you can take these 5 steps to see above it, get through it, and achieve your goals.

 

1. Identify it. What is it you are most afraid of? Are you worried your business may fail? Are you scared you will never find a special someone, or you will lose your loved one? Do you have personal worries that occupy your thoughts? Where in your life is fear of failure diverting your focus and preventing your success? Pray, think, and listen. Let God show you the fear, and then discover how to be free.

Fear of failure may look like:

Procrastination. Do you wait until the last minute, so your perfectionist self will have an excuse if you do fail? In doing so, you create the failure you hope to avoid.

Inaction. Are your insecurities or uncertainties overwhelming you? Do you allow fear to paralyze you, and miss great opportunities? Fear of success is really fear of failing if you succeed.

Over-reaction. Are you angry, defensive, or acting aggressive? If you are afraid of failure, you might notice your reactions seem harsher than situations merit. Is your fear causing you to react instead of respond to life?

Addiction. Do you manage your stress with self-destructive habits? Are you numbing your fear because you feel helpless to overcome it?

 

2. Evaluate it. If you stand on unstable ground at the edge of a cliff, fear sends adrenaline through your body and alerts you to danger. You can use that fear to step back to firm ground, or you can ignore it and fall. All the positive thinking in the world will not keep you from falling once your foot slips. Before you use these 5 steps to push on, be sure you should. Fear is your body’s warning siren, and it can go off even when it does not need to sound. Is God using fear to warn you that your choice is harmful, or do you need to press on despite the fear, and triumph through it towards your goals? Life lessons can make you too cautious, and the fear of risk may lead you to miss many wonderful opportunities. Life needs balance. If you determine you need to get past the fear, you can do it!

In order to focus on the positive and press on through the fear, you must first understand it. What is the worst that can happen? Write down exactly what it will mean if you fail. Then look at your answer, and get more specific. If you think the world will end, what do you mean by this? Will you lose your house, your family, your health, or your life? Will you lose your reputation, or create an undesired one? Are you afraid failure will confirm all the negative thoughts you believe about yourself? Are you thinking that by failing, you become a failure? Figure out the messages and warnings your fear sends you.

 

3. Re-interpret it. Once you know the messages fear sends, create positive messages to replace them. You may fail, but each failure brings you closer to success. Your identity is not dependent on your failures. You are what you decide to be. Face your fear and be a success. Get support from other who will encourage you, but be your own best cheerleader.

Fear is your friend. If it warns you of decisions that do not fit with your life purpose, it helps you live without regret as you change course. If fear tries to cloud your way and you must forge through to succeed, it gives you opportunity to improve, get past your past, and become a better person. The secret to living free from negative effects of fear is to embrace it.

When I first started my own business, I was in a new state, and had no business contacts. I portrayed confidence to other professionals, but inside, I was worried. I made a choice from the start to let God take over the fear. I knew I had made the right choice to move, that I had a sound business plan, and that I had the ability and drive to succeed. I gave up worrying about the rest that I could not control. In reality this meant living on credit cards for the first few months, while I built up my client list. As I earned a reputation for my skill and professionalism, however, my business grew quickly, and I soon had to turn down work. Fear could have kept me from going out and offering my services if I let it. If others had seen a lack of confidence in my ability, they might have felt a lack of confidence in me as well. I chose to attract a positive response with positive thoughts, and to work at it with all my effort. I fought and won.

 

4. Disable it. Your past influences perception of your present. Like looking through a magnifying glass, danger can appear greater than it is when you exaggerate it because you are still trapped in the fear from your past. Take the insecurity or hurt of your past and fight to remove its strength. Trauma, loss, and painful circumstances all contribute to your view on reality. Even little events can lead to unconscious behavior in your present. As you discover ways fear is magnified disproportionately in your life, bring it back into proper perspective.

As a child I stepped barefoot into a pile of red ants. I still remember the pain that seemed to last forever, and the sadness at missing out on all the camping fun for the day as I nursed my foot. When I later had my own children, I found myself constantly looking for ants, and worried about where I stepped on every inch of the driveway. It was ridiculous, but I was not even aware I was doing it, until I noticed one of my children looking for ants. I suddenly stopped. They did too. I made a conscious choice to change this fear and remind myself that the rare experience I had is not easily repeated. Now, as I play with my children outside, we just have fun. If we spot a group of ants, we avoid them, but it is the last thing on our minds. Life is too short. Fear is not worth it. It has now lost its power.

 

5. Use it. What have you lost by letting fear confuse your way? Take the anger or frustration over your reactions and force it to motivate you to succeed in your future. Are you afraid to dream because of what obstacles you might face? Conquer fear and accomplish the amazing things only you can do. Start today.

Posted in attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 24 Comments »

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Your Secret To Positive Thinking

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

People are talking about it. It is on the news, in documentaries, on the radio, and in person. As the awareness spreads, more people are taking charge of life, and talking about positive thinking. As the world wakes up from self-pity and despair, it recognizes the power of the mind to impact the future. There are classic books to inspire you (such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking), and modern works that hightlight speakers who tell the world how to effect change (such as the Law of Attraction movie and book The Secret). I get excited anytime people want to talk about creating a better life. It fits exactly with the theme of A Better You Blog.

The Law of Attraction goes along with this approach to life: whatever you think about will happen. My view on the Law of Attraction can be seen in my article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I believe you do attract most of what you experience, but that life happens in balance, and there are ways to apply any theory to the extreme. While I agree positive thinking creates and attracts positive outcomes, God also gave people free will. The choice to do good or to do harm to others impacts everyone. Some find it comforting to believe in a false security that everything can be controlled, but the unexpected does happen. It is what you do next that determines your level of success.

Seize the rewards you attract with confidence and overcome both the difficulties that you attract and those few that come despite your best efforts. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You hurt, you heal, you move on, and you triumph over adversity and into greatness. Do not allow the 1% you cannot control to dominate the other 99% of your life, but focus on the 99% you can control, attract the success you desire, and create a better you. You can dream your way to the life you want: believe your goals are within your grasp, and work hard to create amazing success.

God has a unique plan for you. How do positive thoughts help you achieve your life’s purpose? Dream, imagine, and achieve. Do it today!

Inspire others with your own positive thoughts in the comments section with one or all of these:

Share a quote that motivates you or is meaningful (and who said it).
Tell how positive thinking changed your life (in big or small ways).
Cite your favorite motivating books- what do you read that stirs your soul to action?

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 14 Comments »

7 Ways You May Unknowingly Mess Up Your Life

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

You determine your future with every decision you make, but what is the basis for those decisions? Who creates this foundation on which you base your life? You are influenced by the world around you, but you can take control of how you respond to circumstances and achieve your goals. It takes effort to overcome obstacles and succeed in your life’s purpose. You must take responsibility for your life to create who you want to be. Here are 7 often overlooked ways you may relinquish that control and mess up your life. If you find your life’s train is off track, get back on. You can change every one of these today, and create a better you.

1. Letting aptitude tests tell you what to do with your life.

When I was teaching public high school, the students would talk about the “abilities” they discovered from standardized tests. I cautioned them to use it as an indicator of strengths, but not a determination of weaknesses. They still discussed surprises about what they were “not” good at, despite my admonitions. I caution you, too. For your own sake and that of your children, remember this story.

When my husband was in high school, they did the usual career testing. His guidance counselor shared the results, and designed his coursework in line with this test. It showed him to be good with his hands, especially prepared to be a mechanic or electrician. This part of the test was right. I have never met anyone more handy than he is- if it is broke, he can fix it. His dad taught him since a young age, so he knows how to build a house, he can wire up any office, he can build a computer from nothing, and fix a car. He enjoys working with circuitry, and these are respectable careers. But that is not his true passion.

He loves to debate. Not to have an argument, and not to create tension (in fact, he is a very adept mediator, and is able to create peace where there is anxiety). But he wants to take the other side, just to see how the discussion plays out. And what does he do for his career? He is an attorney (did the arguing tip you off?). But he almost never went to college.

2. Letting others determine your career future for you.

Do you take advantage of opportunities, or do you spend your time blaming others because you are not where you want to be?  Do you feel stuck in your vocation? Make a change. Start a business, go back to school, teach yourself a new skill. If you did not have the best GPA in high school, it does not mean you cannot succeed in college. Consider where you want to be and see what degree or training is required. Then set a plan. Do not let others set it for you. It is never too late to return to school. If you cannot go the traditional route, there are evening and weekend programs, and even online universities (just be careful they are accredited). You can even teach yourself a new skill- you do not have to have formal education to learn. My biggest caution starts with young people. Be sure you keep your options open.

My husband was bored in high school, so he did work-study in order to only attend half-time. He presumed, as most students do, that his career path was laid out in his best interests. Before his final year of high school, however, he realized that his career path would PREVENT him from attending college. Because he showed talent on the aptitude test for physical skills, he was set on a path not for the college-bound. His future was limited because of a test. Luckily, he took the initiative and dared to challenge these results. He thought, what if I want to go to college? He took an extra Algebra course his senior year (with the freshman who took it at the right time), in order to qualify for college entrance, and went on to succeed at a prominent business school. He did great there, too. Too often we as teachers presume that grades are indicators of ability. They are also indicators of interest. He had a GPA just good enough to get by in high school, but outstanding As in college.

3. Rejecting your religion for any reason other than you no longer believe.

If your parents forced their religion on you, get past it. You are not alone. Religion (including the belief in absense of religion) is usually a strong core value and parents most often cannot help but try to share this with their children. As a Christian, for example, I want my children to learn about God and the Bible, and to love it. But misguided parents often shove their children full of rules and regulations without the loving context, and create disdain for their beliefs. People are not perfect. Are you ignoring a tug to believe, or are you bitter to even consider the option, simply because you are upset at how the idea of God was first delivered? Heal your wounds, mend family relationships, get past bitterness, and be sure what you believe is really representative of yourself, rather than a reaction to actions of others.

Have you ever been misrepresented? There are horrible crimes committed by people of every faith and belief system. There are, unfortunately, preachers and teachers of most every value system whose sole purpose is to get your money. When people who tell others about God act against what they say they believe, they misrepresent God. People see this and misjudge who God is. It is not God who is imperfect, but it is the messenger. Are you rejecting religion because of hypocrasy? Guard your heart and use wisdom in where you place your trust, but be sure you do not dismiss God and your religion soley because someone hurt you. Do not give that person the power to steer your spiritual life. Do it yourself.

4. Interpreting rejection as personal failure.

I will be rejected, and I am glad. If I were accepted by everyone all the time, it would mean I have no substance: I would only be what everyone wanted at any given moment. Instead, I am proud of myself, failures and all. Rejection is just one way of knowing that this piece of the puzzle does not fit. Time to move on to the next piece. If you stop trying, the puzzle will never show the masterpiece of art its image was designed to portray. Have you lost clients? Did you get passed over for a promotion? Has a relationship ended? The loss of status, the loss of what you consider success, and the loss of intimacy hurts. In hindsight, you can usually note ways the outcome could have been different. “If only I had…”. Do not berate yourself over the loss, but use it to assess yourself. Can you see an area for change? Then change it and create a better you. Was it just a bad fit? Then pick up and move on. Keep your focus and do not give up, and you will achieve your goals and succeed.

5. Accepting negative messages as unchangable and true.

How do you encourage yourself? If you listen to what messages you allow into your thoughts, are they positive, helpful, and constructive, or are you sabotaging your success? Treat yourself as you would treat others. Negative messages should be acted on (if you need to change) and then put aside. Think on the positives and focus on how you CAN do it! Your thoughts create self-fulfilling prophecies. Make them great ones.

6. Letting your pride prevent your growth.

How have you grown this year? Are you so confident in your abilities that you are unteachable? If you are a parent, are you finding ways to make your children’s world better? As a spouse, are you working on your marriage, keeping up momentum, or just letting it coast along? It will only coast so far until it loses altitude. Give it a lift. Are you open to personal development? There are always ways to improve, and to be a better you. “Pride goeth before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18. Do not let your pride stop you from maturing.

7. Allowing your habits to control you.

We all have habits. Families develop them together, and then you grow up and continue on, adding new ones along the way. Some are beneficial, and others drain your energy. Are there any negative or destructive habits in your life? You should control your lifestyle. Are you in control of your habits, or are they controlling you? Sometimes you may not realize how much your life would be different if you changed even one habit. Consider it, and be sure you know what your habits are, and how they affect you. Ask a friend if you are not sure. Be sure it is someone who will be honest. You may be surprised.

Become aware of what influences you and how you make decisions, and become a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 17 Comments »

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

When you allow negative messages to invade your mind, you are creating self-fulfilling prophecies that will slow you down and turn success into failure. You react or respond to life based not on each situation you face, but on your perception of each situation. Your perception of circumstances is created in your mind. Are you a person who tends to see the glass of milk as half empty or half full?

Why does it really matter? Negativism attracts negative things. Your life is fulfilling the predictions you embrace. Will they be the negative messages, or will you choose to live out the positive ones and be happy, successful, and free? It is an intentional decision to ignore or overwrite negative messages, and a deliberate stance to take on life half full. It is not easy, but with strength and a positive attitude, you can do it. If you are not strong enough, draw strength from God and become strong enough. Learn what messages are guiding your journey, and intentionally encourage yourself with a positive mindset. The life you dream to create depends on it.

A self-fulfilling prophecy is where a belief (often false) is accepted as truth, and in stating it, becomes true. One classic example of this is portrayed on most television sitcoms and appears in many novels. The typical scenario, which I recently viewed on an old series (in black and white, to indicate how old), shows the main character receiving a chain letter. For those who have never had a “friend” send you one, it is a letter that requires you to send it on to a few more of your friends, and often to send money to someone. The letter states that bad luck will befall anyone who does not participate.

In the show, the main character receives this letter, and throws it in the trash, despite wondering if it could be true. He then begins the self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather than continue the relaxing and productive day he was enjoying, he now expects to see bad luck happen in every experience. He looks around for danger while walking, so much so that he trips over something by his feet. He is so defensive at every comment since he expects bad news, that he attracts a bad reaction from those he greets. He is so scared and suspicious that he appears rude in conversations, and consequently offends those he cares about the most.

Suddenly, he realizes the prophecy from the letter was true. It was, however, not the letter, but his perception of the letter that created this mess. He believed its false claim, and in doing so, created its prediction. Whatever you think about creates what you experience. In this respect, we are all living out self-fulfilling prophecies, because whatever your perception of reality, whatever thoughts you accept as true, will lead you. You attract negative things by focusing on the negative– that is part of the law of attraction.

I believe the law of attraction is sometimes taken to the extreme. As I understand it, there are those who suggest a deadly car accident can be avoided if you only think positively and therefore “attract” only positive things. While you can certainly control how much you focus on the road, how distracted you are when in a rush, and whether you are choosing a safe road to take, you can never “attract” a drunk driver to hit you from nowhere. This message creates false comfort. It would be nice to believe that bad things could never happen if you just think them out of existence, or pray them out of your life circle, but life does not work that way. You can live in that bubble of safety for a while, but eventually you will be shaken out of it, and wonder where your feet will land. Instead, keep your feet on solid ground. Know who you are, how to handle the storms of change and adversity, and attract the good and create the positive wherever you do have control. You can be at peace in the uncertainty knowing you have the tools necessary to handle life’s tides, and you know where to turn for strength.

The law of attraction has some great applications to life, and when viewed in balance, its roots can be found in the Bible. In Romans 12:2 it says “…be transformed by the renewing of your mind” and Proverbs 23:7 says that “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” (NIV). You were created with a mind and a will to determine what you embrace and what you eliminate from your thoughts. A child repeatedly told horrible things usually internalizes the messages as true. At some point, that child will grow up and learn there are other messages available. You must decide what to believe.

Where do you find the positive messages, and do you still hang on to the negative ones? Notice the term is “self”-fulfilling prophecy. Whose prophecy are you really fulfilling, are you believing false messages about yourself and creating your own misery? As an adult, you are responsible for the message that drives you. Are you around those who constantly berate you? Tell them to stop. Do you accept statements from others as true, or talk to yourself in a condescending manner? Confident people may more easily dismiss harsh insults from those distant contacts, but when uttered from close loved ones, it becomes even more difficult to keep from accepting them as truth. The hardest to fight of all is when you tell it to yourself. Are you your own worst critic?

Maybe these sound familiar: you are stupid, you will never amount to anything, you can’t make it, how could you have even thought you could succeed, you should have known better, why did you even try, what an embarrassment you are, you are ugly, worthless, unintelligent, incapable, and a failure. These cut deep wounds in your spirit, and it takes intent to replace them with positive truths.

Most people have a set of these to fight. In overcoming my eating disorder many years ago, I had to replace all the negative messages I bombarded myself with constantly, and I now live free of this mental harassment. I care about myself enough to treat me as a friend. Do you? I had to really learn about my purpose in life and how much love God has for me to make this life-altering change. I had friends who reinforced this, and I still know who to talk with when I need encouragement. Do you have time with God, time with positive friends, a place to go to help you change your perspective on a situation? Where do you draw your strength, and where do you find the positive messages? You can achieve your goals in business, you can get your degree, you can have a loving relationship, you can change your life, if you only believe it. Positive thoughts fuel success.

A positive outlook makes the difference between a quitter and a success. The determined intend success and keep going despite obstacles. Successful people believe in themselves and their dreams, and persevere. They dwell on positive thoughts, and attract the truth they believe. If you are determined, you find a way to make it happen because you believe that you CAN. If you believe that you cannot, you will not. There is always a way. It may be difficult, it may be different than you had originally planned, you may have to adapt to the unfamiliar, but if you are focused and think positively, you can achieve your goals. Do you believe it? Decide you can do it, and attract success. You create your dream future. Start today.

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 27 Comments »

What Matters Most: Lessons From A Tornado

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

What really matters in your life? Do you struggle with worry? I struggled for years wondering “what if”. Then, I deliberately changed my focus and habits, and improved considerably. But a tornado showed me how to really let go, and changed my life. Here is how I learned what really matters.

A few years ago my husband’s office was damaged by a tornado, and the same storm brought one dangerously close to our house. We get tornados here every year, but most do no damage, unlike other parts of the country. I grew up without much weather change year-round, and with earthquakes as the biggest threat.

Now, I have lived where the weather changes frequently for many years, but I am still just trying to figure out all the different terms for types of rain (for example, different words for if it is frozen in the clouds, or only on the way down). My husband grew up here and loves to study the weather, and we listen on his scanner to the storm-spotters whenever dangerous conditions are present.

This particular day, he closed his office down early in order to get home before the storm hit. He knew something was up. He could see it in the sky, and the radar confirmed his feeling that something was different this time. With modern technology, I like to think we will always have a warning before a tornado hits. There is, however, no guarantee. We have so many storms that “could” produce severe threats, that we often only pay attention once we see a threat manifest somewhere nearby. It is also possible for a tornado to hit before we even have time to act. I choose to dwell on the positive, however.

What happens when we do have warning? We take action by gathering in the safest part of our home to wait out the storm. We really should have a basement. Most homes around here do not, but I would feel safer with a basement or storm shelter for refuge instead of just the most inner part of our home. There is an eerie feeling wondering if your home will make it through the night. Realistically we hide in this room only once or twice a year, but it is memorable. You can learn a lot about priorities from moments like these.

When I hear the storm-spotter say “there is lowering in the clouds”, I know a funnel has dropped and a tornado could touch down at any time. At this moment, what matters most?

1. Prayer- When it is coming towards our home, as it did this same day, my first action is to pray. This extends to your daily life. Is your spiritual life active and fulfilling? Allow God to encourage, comfort, and strengthen you every day as you face what comes.

2. People- I comfort my children with hugs, and scoop them to safety. I quickly place them in our safe room, and distract them with happy rain songs. I try to get my husband to stay in there with us, but he prefers to try and see the tornado if it comes. In fact, I remember the first time he jumped in there with us for a moment- I knew it was pretty close for that to happen. I was glad he was there with us. What people matter most in your life, and how do you show it?

3. Prep Pack- I used to live with earthquakes, and despite hearing about the importance of an emergency kit in your trunk, I never created one. Now as a parent, my third thought is meeting the basic needs of my children in a worst-case scenario (I do not really think this would ever happen, but no one ever does, so I still pack). I pack whatever basics I have time to grab. One time after getting the kids to safety I started to leave the room and I heard the storm-spotter mention that a funnel was hanging over a street only one block away- I changed my mind. Most other times, however, I take just a minute to make a prep pack. I find the nearest duffle bag and throw in whatever my children need for the next 2 days. Usually a change of clothes, diapers, baby food, and some packaged foods and drinks they could easily eat. I also throw in the first aid kit.

While you may have a literal prep pack in your trunk, what is your figurative one? In life, what is the minimum needs you have to function, to achieve, to dream, to create every day? You need to make it to work to pay the bills, go to the store to get food to eat, and run other errands that are essential (get supplies to fix what breaks, etc.). What about emotionally? Do you need daily encouragement, quiet time, exercise, an outlet? Do you meet your basic needs or are you hurting from neglect?

4. Passion-If it looks like a false alarm, or we have time, I grab what holds my passion. Most of my children’s photos come from a digital camera, so I grab my laptop. It also has my dissertation work, website articles, and some other important files. Before we had children I would grab my wedding album, but since it is so big, I now save the space for the children and their needs. I love my husband and if the photos were lost that would never change (and hopefully the photographer might still have them archived from almost a decade ago).

In your life, what is your passion? What would you grab if you could save it from a house fire, tornado, or other destruction? What would you hold on to in your life if you could, that is good for you, and why? These matter.

The next day something magical happened. After the previous night’s storm, I suddenly had no worries. I was truly free. I worked harder, focused on my priorities, and did what was before me. I created the best me for that day, and let the results happen as they do. I could not believe how much that experience changed me. What was left after number 1-4 was nothing worth my worry. I had an aerial view and could see the stress was not worth its toll. I was a new person, and I continue to remind myself of what I learned from that tornado.

Live for what matters. Worry never accomplishes anything, and prevents many things. Live in each moment so worry does not ruin your health and stifle your success. Live each day as if it were your last, but live each moment as if your future was bright and productive. What event in your life rearranged your perspective on priorities? A near-miss car accident? A weather event? A health scare? Let it teach you and change you into a better you.

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