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How to Start Over: Rebuild or Just Remodel

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

You need a change.  Something is not right, and you feel unsettled.  This is not how life is supposed to be.  You need to start over.  But what exactly does this mean?  Some will advise you to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start.  Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success.  Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder your success. Your life is like a building.  Sometimes you need to tear down the entire structure and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary.  It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut yourself off from everyone and everything you believe in and care about just because your life is not going in the right direction.  Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation you need to fulfill your life purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.  Here are three things to help you start over: help to identify which of the four key parts of life you need to change, help to remove common hinderances to starting over, and encouragements to just do it, whatever this means for you.  Create a better you today!

1.  Identify exactly how you should start over, and how you should not. 

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider.  The following will help you determine what extent you may wish to start over in different aspects of your life, with some cautions along the way.

Mentally

You may need to start over mentally.  This can range from changing how you approach only one aspect of life, to changing your entire mental approach to life.  If your thoughts are defeating you, change what you think, but do so carefully.  Do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash your brain.  Let me explain.  In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat. 

For example, when you choose to watch television, commercials innundate you with subliminal messages that will often influence your choice at the supermarket, whether you know it or not.  You take that risk, however, because the reward of your show is worth a little product branding to you.  Likewise, when you hear comments you did not solicit, you can automatically allow them to alter how you think about yourself, or you can make a conscious choice to evaluate whether they are coming from a credible source and to dismiss those unworthy of consideration. 

Everyone has a message, and when you accept and internalize information, you are re-structuring a part of how you think.  The difference is in whether you make a conscious choice to screen out what you accept as authority and allow to wash you brain, or whether you allow everyone’s opinions to throw you into confusion.  As a child, you should be surrounded by positive mental reinforcement as you learn the confidence to distinguish between the constructive encouragment of loved ones and the destructive malicious attacks of others.  Unfortunately, children are often exposed to hurtful ourpourings of anger, internalizing these attacks into their sense of self-worth. 

As an adult, if you do not re-write these negative beliefs, or if you accept all other opinions as correct, you will find your life needs a change.  Deep inside, you are not happy.  You need to know your life has purpose, you have great talent waiting to be developed, and you are valuable to the world and to God.  You need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in your life.  You need to start over.  You may just need to re-write your thoughts about your career, and start to dream big dreams.  You may only need to change how you view your relationships, and how you handle lonliness.  You may need to cut off a destructive relationship, or you may be able to stay close, especially with family, while gaining the confidence to ignore destructive comments.  You may also need to change how you see yourself, your worth, and your strengths as a person.  You may find, however, that you need to start from scratch, that your mind is filled with negative thoughts.  You need to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph.  There is a time for everything, and this is your time.  Start now.

Geographically

You may need to start over geographically.  If it is for career reasons, the change may be forced upon you, or it may be an exciting achievement and a goal you finally reached.  For others, you may need to move to make a fresh start as part of a new you.  Ask yourself these questions.  Are you moving because it is the best for your life right now, or are you moving because it is the easiest way to start over?  A physical move is never easy.  Psychology experts generally suggest you requre about two years to adjust to major changes such as moving to a new state. 

While it can be difficult to move, sometimes people think a geographical change is the best solution to get away from problems.  If this is the only way to be safe, the only way to keep yourself or your loved ones from harm, then it is the best for your life.  If, however, you think you have to leave because the pain is just too strong, be sure there are not more effective ways to get through your pain.  Remember, when you face your pain, you can conquer it as you heal, but when you run from your pain, you will usually find it follows you, as it grows in the chase.

I once had the chance to move out of state.  At first, I did not go, because I knew it was not the right time.  It would have been the easiest way to escape my challenges, but I knew I needed to face what was hurting and to leave not because I was trying to escape the pain, but because God opened the doors to a new part of my life.  I faced my fears, and stayed where I was, until the time was right.  When I did finally move, it was because my career and my life were headed in that direction.  Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it can be exactly what your life needs.  If you think this is you, pray about it, talk about it, and then when you are sure, embrace it.  Seize the opportunity and make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

You may need to start over emotionally.  Do you fill up with rage and need help controlling your responses?  Are you depressed, in despair, and isolating yourself?  Do you find yourself managing stress in mostly healthy ways, but one particular aspect of life seems overwhelming?  Are you burdened by grief over something and you cannot find joy in what remains?  I have included links to some other posts to help in these areas, but the first step is to identify that you need to start over. 

Do you need a drastic change in how you respond, setting yourself free from addictive or other destructive patterns?  Do you just need some minor adjustments in how your life flows, to make a conscious decision to fight for the peace you once had in one particular area of life?  This emotional area often feeds into your mental area, and vice versa.  Are your emotions swinging because of your mental messages?  Are you frozen by fear and inhibited by uncertainty?  You can start over, in the big and little ways your emotions impact every day.  Start today, to get healthy for a new you.

Spiritually

You may need to start over spiritually.  Parents generally want their children to follow their religious affiliations.  As a Christian, I also want my children to learn the Bible and to love God.  Some pastors say between 60 and 90% of graduates stop attending church, while a recent UT Austin study suggests what changes is participation, where 62% of Protestants attend church less often after graduating.  The point is that many times college is where students first consider what they really believe in life, apart from their parents. 

When you think about starting over spiritually, listen to your heart, where your spiritual life begins.  I believe God calls to you, so search out when you have questions.  My caution, an important one, is to consider why you are making a change.  If, for example, you are a Christian dismissing your religion because of the poor example from your parents or after seeing hypocrates, you need to realize they are imperfect people representing a perfect God.  No religion has perfect people.  Not one.  If, however, you are living in a belief system and feeling deep within that God is teaching you to seek out the truth elsewhere, seek wise counsel, listen, and learn.  Do not neglect your spiritual life, and have the courage to start over when you feel led.

2.  Remove the hinderances to starting over.

Now that you know what areas need a new you, how do you motivate yourself to make practical changes?  To start over and remove the hinderances to your success, you need to do three things:

change your sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair.  Many people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people and sit in the “poor me” spot.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes it hits you hard, and you should never have to deal with the pain or troubles you face.  But they are there.  Face them anyway, and triumph despite your challenges.  Change your expectation of fairness, and realize comparing to others only hinders you.  Push through your sense of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

challenge your sense of effort

You may not want to do what it will take, you may not think you should have to, but if it is really worth it, do it anyway.  Put forth the effort, and re-define what this means.  Effort is not the amount of energy that you think something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what.  If your diet, exercise, or stop-smoking plan is harder than you think, instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, if it is truly a worthwhile goal, then decide it is worth this effort, the effort that challenges you beyond what you imagined possible, and keep going or start over again: do it anyway.  You can do it!

I just applied this to my own life in writing my dissertation.  I did it.  I finished and passed my dissertation defense!  For those who are not familiar with the Ph.D. requirements, after coursework is finished and your dissertation proposal is successfully completed, you advance to candidacy and write “the book”, your original research of 200-300 pages.  Then comes the final defense examination where you pass or fail.  After you pass, you turn in the final version, and graduate.  Yeah!  I am so excited, and I thank God for all the ways I found strength I never thought I had to make it.  You see, I had to revise my sense of effort.

I expended more than twice as much energy and time than I had planned to complete my dissertation.  I always found the failure statistics amazing for PhD candidates– over 50% never finish their dissertation!  On this side, I can see how hard it really is.  When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, three young children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other candidate. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take, prevent me from expending the effort it did take.  I pushed on, doing whatever necessary to complete it.  Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates your success!

choose your sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who you allow to influence you.  Ignore those who say you can’t, and believe you can.  Start over today! 

3. Just do it! 

For practical ways to take action now, visit some of our other articles such as four steps to make it happen,  start a new habit or break a bad one, managing stress, and dream your dreams to achieve greatness, or browse our archives for other inspirations. 

You can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it.  Think big, dream wide, and act small.  Keep your eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time.  No more excuses.  If you know what is required for a better you, start over today.  Start from where you are, or start from scratch, but wherever you need a change, start over as if you can create who you want to become, because you can.  You can do it!

Do you have any suggestions to help people start over?  Share with us what works for you.  Towards a better you, 

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 9 Comments »

7 Behaviors That Mess Up Communication: Are You Making A Good Impression?

Friday, April 6th, 2007

Have you ever felt puzzled by how others react to you? Do you want to improve communication in your family, your marriage, or other relationships? Are you wondering how to get along better with others at work? Here are 7 behaviors you can quickly change to smooth out differences and improve communication. Each of these behaviors sends the message that you are better than, more important than, or more valuable than the other person. When you do not want to act this way, are you doing it anyway? Show respect by changing your actions, and create some peace where there is strife.

 

1. Interrupting

I thought I was a great listener. I genuinely cared about others, and I could easily sit down and listen in support of friends who needed encouragement. In everyday conversation, however, my behavior sent a different message. I worked so hard to be sure my view was heard, that I talked first and listened later. I was constantly interrupting. After college, I committed to create a better me. I asked God to show me where to improve and to give me the courage to face it. The next day I began to notice the faces of others at the moment I cut them off, and I was stunned. I determined right then to stop interrupting, and it instantly helped improve friendly conversations.

While it only took a moment to decide my actions, it took longer to deal with my emotional reactions. Once I stopped the behavior, I learned I felt intense fear at not speaking up whenever I wanted to interject an opinion. I realized that I never felt my views were “heard” growing up, and I was afraid of being invisible now. I was allowing the pain of my past to influence my present. I refused to live afraid of the same experiences now, but instead determined to create a better life, starting with how I related to others. It was time to gather this unpacked baggage and unload it. I made a conscious effort to live in confidence in the present, knowing I had much to offer the world, as everyone does. As I gave it to God, the weight lifted off and set me free. Now, if I find myself unintentionally interrupting someone, I catch myself and apologize. When I value conversation with someone, I work hard to show it.

 

2. Assuming

Humorous though it is, we all know that the popular saying taken from the spelling of the word is true: to ASSUME really can make an *!@** out of U and ME. We make judgements about people, but when we believe that only our assumption can possibly be correct, we fall into this trap. Here is an example of how this messes up communication in relationships.

My husband and I are celebrating ten years of marriage this month. I am amazed at how fast the time has gone by, yet at the same time, I see how much closer we have grown through the years. We really do have a great marriage, but it did not just happen–we work at it. One of our greatest efforts is also one of our strengths: communication. When we first started our journey together, and a disagreement occurred, we both made a lot of assumptions. For example, if he said something that hurt my feelings, I eagerly waited for him to apologize. I assumed that if he really knew me, if he really cared, if he was paying enough attention to me, and if he really loved me, he would just magically know I was upset. Wrong! In relationships, one person often offends the other and has absolutely no idea what happened. Really.

I like to think that as an educated and confident professional, I would act more mature. When something bothered me, however, I would walk around the house pouting in silence, thinking surely he would realize my lack of energy and conversation and come ask what was wrong. My assumption created my own grief, as I ruined what could be a wonderful evening by stewing in frustration. At the same time, he enjoyed a peaceful evening, reading the paper, fixing something that needed to be fixed, and watching television. Finally, I had to find out how someone who loved me could ignore my emotional state for so long. I still remember the look on his face whenever this would happen- utter shock. He would either have no idea I was offended, or he thought it had gone away, and I was not mad anymore. If however, he did suspect something was wrong but did not know what, he preferred to hold to his assumption and ignore my clues, rather than risk a “long” discussion if there was a problem.

We needed to put aside our assumptions, and to get better at communicating. Over the years, we have both improved how we relate.

I have learned not to be so easily offended. Sometimes what I thought was an attack or criticism of me was only my own insecurity, and I learned to sort out the difference. I have also learned how to be more active in our relationship, and to clearly make my feelings known. I now know it is my responsibility to go beyond assumption, and to be sure he knows that something bothers me.

He has learned that for me, nothing ever just magically goes away. At the same time, he knows that sometimes, all it takes is a quick hug and meaningful look into my eyes to help me feel better. Other times, I need to hear words. We have learned how to smooth over differences with fewer words too, giving me enough time to feel we have “talked it out”, and yet not taking so much time that he feels “talked out”. We have learned how to resolve differences quickly but efficiently, a topic for another post. The starting point, however, is to go beyond assumptions.

In your relationships, talk about how you resolve conflict, before it happens. Instead of assuming, give yourself and others a better chance by finding out the truth. When you harbor resentment over assumptions, you create your own unhappiness.

 

3. Taking without Thanking

Telling others thank you tells a lot about your character. How many of us in our busy lives forget this? Think back to the last time you really appreciated something, and never remembered to tell the person thank you. You may have wanted to share your appreciation, but by never saying thanks, you showed ingratitude. I am great at giving thanks immediately after an act of kindness. I recognize others with words and a smile. Written thank you notes, however, are my weakness. Sometimes a verbal thank you is sufficient, but sometimes, etiquette suggests a more thoughtful written response is best. There are many times I think of sending a few words by mail, but it seems to be last on my list until it becomes too late to have any meaning. I have disappointed myself in the past, where I truly did not mean to send an ungrateful message, but I never followed through with an appropriate expression of thanks. I have worked harder this year in this area, and with this commitment, I have greatly improved. I am careful to keep these little notes in priority with other commitments to myself. Whenever I receive a written thank you note I am still humbled by the effort and thoughtfulness, and it means even more to me than others think.

 

4. Blaming Others

You are responsible for your own behavior. You are influenced by your pain, but it does not have to control your future. When you blame others, you give up control of your own life, and allow others to decide how you will feel day by day. This mentality creates tension in relationships as one person feels stuck and stressed over circumstances that trap them. Others only control your life when you let them. For a while I considered hiding in the “safety” of blaming others. I could live every day knowing any failure or trouble now and in my future is all the fault of those who caused me harm years ago. But I knew better, and I decided to fight the impulse to wallow in self-pity. I decided to live for today and take control of my future, with God’s help. You have greatness in you, waiting to contribute your unique skills to the world. Give God your heart and allow Him to fulfill your life’s purpose. It is up to you, and only you.

 

5. Offering Nothing

Are you giving your best? Are you working to offer your unique skill in your career, or do you just do the minimum? Do you offer the real you to those you let close, or are you guarding against intimacy by offering little to nothing of yourself? Be authentic. Be available. Be confident. When you just go along with others, never offer an opinion, and never share you tell others they are not worth it.

When the opportunity arises for you to participate in communication, and you do not offer your opinion, your talent, or whatever contribution you can make, you send a message. Either you say you are too important, too insecure, or you are unable to offer anything. You are a talented individual. If you do not know your strengths, discover them. If you are too scared to subject yourself to possible rejection, get strength from God to face life with courage. If you need to sharpen your skills, then commit to do so. The world is waiting for the unique ways you can participate. Just remember point #1 (above) when you do.

 

6. Not Following Through

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Is your life full of reasons and explanations for not following through? The CEO of a fortune 500 company allows others to wait and arrives last to a meeting, making no excuses. The employees expect this behavior as part of the authority of a leadership position in the corporation.. If the same person arrives late to a date, however busy the schedule, excuses do need to be made. This time being late is usually considered offensive, and gives the impression that the other person is not valued. If you have to make repeated excuses for your actions, do you realize what others think as a result?

What does your life say? There are many ways people do not follow through. When you make commitments, you make promises. Breaking promises tears away at your integrity and destroys trust in business and personal relationships. If you say yes, do it. You are judged by your actions and inactions. Be a person of your word. Do what you say, and only guarantee what you can deliver. When you compromise, you are telling others they are not a priority. If you want to make a favorable impression, find a way to follow through, so that excuses are saved for real and infrequent emergencies.

Here are three ways your actions break promises to others:

Managing time: when you are late, do not show up, turn in an incomplete project, or miss a deadline.  Your children need to know you value them with your time.  Other loved ones do too.  Business deadlines are important, so balance life and do not over-commit.

Being faithful: when you are dishonest, fake, or give in to pressure, or betray yourself and do what you do not want to do. Instead, be honest, true to yourself and others, not being fake but being your real self, true to commitments, not duplicitous, and true to your faith.

Staying focused: when you act in apathy, appear lazy, do not try or take any risks, or live in fear of failure.

Have goals you strive to accomplish, be loyal to promises to yourself and others, commit to and achieve your goals, and follow through with your promises. Your actions are the best way to make a great impression.

 

7. Correcting Others

As a teacher, I have a natural job responsibility to critique the work of others. When you are not my student, however, it is not my place to evaluate you. Have you ever been around people who constantly criticize? Do you find yourself doing this to others? Comments about your clothes, harsh words about something you said, laughing at your ideas, or belittling something you care about are all behaviors that create tension and discord. Are your insecurities driving you to lash out at others? In your attempt to look better, you may seem abrasive. As you try to lift yourself up at the expense of others, you show your insecurities. Learn how wonderful you are, and remove the need to hurt others. Others do not have to be put down for you to feel great. You have something wonderful to offer the world. The accomplishments of others do not change the God-given potential for your life. Stop criticizing or correcting others when it is not your business to do so, and you will notice an immediate change in the demeanor of others around you.

Are your actions messing up your interactions?  Figure out what causes grief in your communication. Stop the behavior. Change your life today. You can do it!

Patricia

 

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 20 Comments »

5 Steps to Overcome Fear of Failure

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Fear invades like a sudden fog, limiting your view and clouding your reasoning. When you are caught disoriented, can you find your way out? Does fear paralyze you into retreat, or do you know the way to push on? Fear of failure affects everyone. When you recognize it in your own life, you can take these 5 steps to see above it, get through it, and achieve your goals.

 

1. Identify it. What is it you are most afraid of? Are you worried your business may fail? Are you scared you will never find a special someone, or you will lose your loved one? Do you have personal worries that occupy your thoughts? Where in your life is fear of failure diverting your focus and preventing your success? Pray, think, and listen. Let God show you the fear, and then discover how to be free.

Fear of failure may look like:

Procrastination. Do you wait until the last minute, so your perfectionist self will have an excuse if you do fail? In doing so, you create the failure you hope to avoid.

Inaction. Are your insecurities or uncertainties overwhelming you? Do you allow fear to paralyze you, and miss great opportunities? Fear of success is really fear of failing if you succeed.

Over-reaction. Are you angry, defensive, or acting aggressive? If you are afraid of failure, you might notice your reactions seem harsher than situations merit. Is your fear causing you to react instead of respond to life?

Addiction. Do you manage your stress with self-destructive habits? Are you numbing your fear because you feel helpless to overcome it?

 

2. Evaluate it. If you stand on unstable ground at the edge of a cliff, fear sends adrenaline through your body and alerts you to danger. You can use that fear to step back to firm ground, or you can ignore it and fall. All the positive thinking in the world will not keep you from falling once your foot slips. Before you use these 5 steps to push on, be sure you should. Fear is your body’s warning siren, and it can go off even when it does not need to sound. Is God using fear to warn you that your choice is harmful, or do you need to press on despite the fear, and triumph through it towards your goals? Life lessons can make you too cautious, and the fear of risk may lead you to miss many wonderful opportunities. Life needs balance. If you determine you need to get past the fear, you can do it!

In order to focus on the positive and press on through the fear, you must first understand it. What is the worst that can happen? Write down exactly what it will mean if you fail. Then look at your answer, and get more specific. If you think the world will end, what do you mean by this? Will you lose your house, your family, your health, or your life? Will you lose your reputation, or create an undesired one? Are you afraid failure will confirm all the negative thoughts you believe about yourself? Are you thinking that by failing, you become a failure? Figure out the messages and warnings your fear sends you.

 

3. Re-interpret it. Once you know the messages fear sends, create positive messages to replace them. You may fail, but each failure brings you closer to success. Your identity is not dependent on your failures. You are what you decide to be. Face your fear and be a success. Get support from other who will encourage you, but be your own best cheerleader.

Fear is your friend. If it warns you of decisions that do not fit with your life purpose, it helps you live without regret as you change course. If fear tries to cloud your way and you must forge through to succeed, it gives you opportunity to improve, get past your past, and become a better person. The secret to living free from negative effects of fear is to embrace it.

When I first started my own business, I was in a new state, and had no business contacts. I portrayed confidence to other professionals, but inside, I was worried. I made a choice from the start to let God take over the fear. I knew I had made the right choice to move, that I had a sound business plan, and that I had the ability and drive to succeed. I gave up worrying about the rest that I could not control. In reality this meant living on credit cards for the first few months, while I built up my client list. As I earned a reputation for my skill and professionalism, however, my business grew quickly, and I soon had to turn down work. Fear could have kept me from going out and offering my services if I let it. If others had seen a lack of confidence in my ability, they might have felt a lack of confidence in me as well. I chose to attract a positive response with positive thoughts, and to work at it with all my effort. I fought and won.

 

4. Disable it. Your past influences perception of your present. Like looking through a magnifying glass, danger can appear greater than it is when you exaggerate it because you are still trapped in the fear from your past. Take the insecurity or hurt of your past and fight to remove its strength. Trauma, loss, and painful circumstances all contribute to your view on reality. Even little events can lead to unconscious behavior in your present. As you discover ways fear is magnified disproportionately in your life, bring it back into proper perspective.

As a child I stepped barefoot into a pile of red ants. I still remember the pain that seemed to last forever, and the sadness at missing out on all the camping fun for the day as I nursed my foot. When I later had my own children, I found myself constantly looking for ants, and worried about where I stepped on every inch of the driveway. It was ridiculous, but I was not even aware I was doing it, until I noticed one of my children looking for ants. I suddenly stopped. They did too. I made a conscious choice to change this fear and remind myself that the rare experience I had is not easily repeated. Now, as I play with my children outside, we just have fun. If we spot a group of ants, we avoid them, but it is the last thing on our minds. Life is too short. Fear is not worth it. It has now lost its power.

 

5. Use it. What have you lost by letting fear confuse your way? Take the anger or frustration over your reactions and force it to motivate you to succeed in your future. Are you afraid to dream because of what obstacles you might face? Conquer fear and accomplish the amazing things only you can do. Start today.

Posted in attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 24 Comments »

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Your Secret To Positive Thinking

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

People are talking about it. It is on the news, in documentaries, on the radio, and in person. As the awareness spreads, more people are taking charge of life, and talking about positive thinking. As the world wakes up from self-pity and despair, it recognizes the power of the mind to impact the future. There are classic books to inspire you (such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking), and modern works that hightlight speakers who tell the world how to effect change (such as the Law of Attraction movie and book The Secret). I get excited anytime people want to talk about creating a better life. It fits exactly with the theme of A Better You Blog.

The Law of Attraction goes along with this approach to life: whatever you think about will happen. My view on the Law of Attraction can be seen in my article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I believe you do attract most of what you experience, but that life happens in balance, and there are ways to apply any theory to the extreme. While I agree positive thinking creates and attracts positive outcomes, God also gave people free will. The choice to do good or to do harm to others impacts everyone. Some find it comforting to believe in a false security that everything can be controlled, but the unexpected does happen. It is what you do next that determines your level of success.

Seize the rewards you attract with confidence and overcome both the difficulties that you attract and those few that come despite your best efforts. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You hurt, you heal, you move on, and you triumph over adversity and into greatness. Do not allow the 1% you cannot control to dominate the other 99% of your life, but focus on the 99% you can control, attract the success you desire, and create a better you. You can dream your way to the life you want: believe your goals are within your grasp, and work hard to create amazing success.

God has a unique plan for you. How do positive thoughts help you achieve your life’s purpose? Dream, imagine, and achieve. Do it today!

Inspire others with your own positive thoughts in the comments section with one or all of these:

Share a quote that motivates you or is meaningful (and who said it).
Tell how positive thinking changed your life (in big or small ways).
Cite your favorite motivating books- what do you read that stirs your soul to action?

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 14 Comments »

What Matters Most: Lessons From A Tornado

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

What really matters in your life? Do you struggle with worry? I struggled for years wondering “what if”. Then, I deliberately changed my focus and habits, and improved considerably. But a tornado showed me how to really let go, and changed my life. Here is how I learned what really matters.

A few years ago my husband’s office was damaged by a tornado, and the same storm brought one dangerously close to our house. We get tornados here every year, but most do no damage, unlike other parts of the country. I grew up without much weather change year-round, and with earthquakes as the biggest threat.

Now, I have lived where the weather changes frequently for many years, but I am still just trying to figure out all the different terms for types of rain (for example, different words for if it is frozen in the clouds, or only on the way down). My husband grew up here and loves to study the weather, and we listen on his scanner to the storm-spotters whenever dangerous conditions are present.

This particular day, he closed his office down early in order to get home before the storm hit. He knew something was up. He could see it in the sky, and the radar confirmed his feeling that something was different this time. With modern technology, I like to think we will always have a warning before a tornado hits. There is, however, no guarantee. We have so many storms that “could” produce severe threats, that we often only pay attention once we see a threat manifest somewhere nearby. It is also possible for a tornado to hit before we even have time to act. I choose to dwell on the positive, however.

What happens when we do have warning? We take action by gathering in the safest part of our home to wait out the storm. We really should have a basement. Most homes around here do not, but I would feel safer with a basement or storm shelter for refuge instead of just the most inner part of our home. There is an eerie feeling wondering if your home will make it through the night. Realistically we hide in this room only once or twice a year, but it is memorable. You can learn a lot about priorities from moments like these.

When I hear the storm-spotter say “there is lowering in the clouds”, I know a funnel has dropped and a tornado could touch down at any time. At this moment, what matters most?

1. Prayer- When it is coming towards our home, as it did this same day, my first action is to pray. This extends to your daily life. Is your spiritual life active and fulfilling? Allow God to encourage, comfort, and strengthen you every day as you face what comes.

2. People- I comfort my children with hugs, and scoop them to safety. I quickly place them in our safe room, and distract them with happy rain songs. I try to get my husband to stay in there with us, but he prefers to try and see the tornado if it comes. In fact, I remember the first time he jumped in there with us for a moment- I knew it was pretty close for that to happen. I was glad he was there with us. What people matter most in your life, and how do you show it?

3. Prep Pack- I used to live with earthquakes, and despite hearing about the importance of an emergency kit in your trunk, I never created one. Now as a parent, my third thought is meeting the basic needs of my children in a worst-case scenario (I do not really think this would ever happen, but no one ever does, so I still pack). I pack whatever basics I have time to grab. One time after getting the kids to safety I started to leave the room and I heard the storm-spotter mention that a funnel was hanging over a street only one block away- I changed my mind. Most other times, however, I take just a minute to make a prep pack. I find the nearest duffle bag and throw in whatever my children need for the next 2 days. Usually a change of clothes, diapers, baby food, and some packaged foods and drinks they could easily eat. I also throw in the first aid kit.

While you may have a literal prep pack in your trunk, what is your figurative one? In life, what is the minimum needs you have to function, to achieve, to dream, to create every day? You need to make it to work to pay the bills, go to the store to get food to eat, and run other errands that are essential (get supplies to fix what breaks, etc.). What about emotionally? Do you need daily encouragement, quiet time, exercise, an outlet? Do you meet your basic needs or are you hurting from neglect?

4. Passion-If it looks like a false alarm, or we have time, I grab what holds my passion. Most of my children’s photos come from a digital camera, so I grab my laptop. It also has my dissertation work, website articles, and some other important files. Before we had children I would grab my wedding album, but since it is so big, I now save the space for the children and their needs. I love my husband and if the photos were lost that would never change (and hopefully the photographer might still have them archived from almost a decade ago).

In your life, what is your passion? What would you grab if you could save it from a house fire, tornado, or other destruction? What would you hold on to in your life if you could, that is good for you, and why? These matter.

The next day something magical happened. After the previous night’s storm, I suddenly had no worries. I was truly free. I worked harder, focused on my priorities, and did what was before me. I created the best me for that day, and let the results happen as they do. I could not believe how much that experience changed me. What was left after number 1-4 was nothing worth my worry. I had an aerial view and could see the stress was not worth its toll. I was a new person, and I continue to remind myself of what I learned from that tornado.

Live for what matters. Worry never accomplishes anything, and prevents many things. Live in each moment so worry does not ruin your health and stifle your success. Live each day as if it were your last, but live each moment as if your future was bright and productive. What event in your life rearranged your perspective on priorities? A near-miss car accident? A weather event? A health scare? Let it teach you and change you into a better you.

Posted in change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, time management | 11 Comments »

Let It Get To You

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

The Christmas season brings more attention to giving and receiving. You may pay more attention during the holidays, but do you let it get to you all year long? Do you notice the good around you? Do you graciously receive from others, accept compliments with confidence, and appreciate random acts of kindness? Are you sensitive to the pain of others, inspired to change from the pain of life, and determined to act when it gets to you? Life has many pleasures and sorrows. It is easy to become calloused from hurt and disappointment. It is hard to do the opposite: to soften the rough places, to risk the pain and let others in, to live a full life rather than a shallow existence. Do you numb yourself to the world, or do you let it get to you? Do you receive the good given to you? Do you turn the bad around for good whenever possible? Let it get to you, the good and the bad. Let it inspire you to act, and to be a better you.

When you are paid a compliment, receive it.

When you receive an award, display it. Allow accolades to increase your confidence. You earned it!

When someone smiles, smile back. Enjoy the kindness of strangers.

If a friend listens to you, or shows you kindness, embrace it.

When you feel the familiar affection of a loved one, savor it, and appreciate it.

If someone takes a risk on you, recognize it.

If someone is vulnerable and asks for help, attend to it as you are led.

Create random acts of kindness to others. Let their happiness get to you.

When you realize you are now responsible for a life, let it get to you and inspire you.

When you hear the words “daddy” or “mommy”, or feel the unconditional love of a child you are nurturing, let it melt you.

Take a risk and let your dreams get to you. Is there a business idea you keep trying to suppress due to fear? Research it, and if it is solid, go for it. Is there someone you are afraid to ask out? Stop living in the “what if” and give it a try. Create. Strive. Be a better you.

Allow small romantic gestures to rekindle your relationship. A romantic marriage takes effort. Do you remember how even a simple hug used to feel amazing? Awaken that again.

Take a chance on someone. Let it get to you. Trust again.

When you are turned down, let it motivate you. Be determined to succeed. Rejection only means one road is closed and you are that much closer to finding the right path. Rejection has no bearing on your identity. Did you hear a harsh word from someone critical? Get over yourself. So you are not perfect. No one is. Not even the person who points out your flaws. Move on. Your purpose in life is too important to allow others to impede it.

When you realize your frustration is based on your life’s baggage from the past, let it get to you and inspire you to unpack it. Get past your past and take a chance in life again. The good and the bad await. If your life has been mostly up hill, then anticipate the wonderful coasting the hard-earned downhill will bring. It will get better. Believe.

Believe in what you cannot see. Is God speaking to you? Take a risk and listen. If God is truly God (and I believe He is), then that voice calling to you will only grow louder until you listen to it. Allow God to inspire you to stretch, to learn, and to conquer fear.

Volunteer. Whether your money, your time, your inspiration, or your encouragement, make your impact beneficial to others.

Give more than just once a year, develop a lifestyle of giving (whatever that means for you).

Listen attentively to difficult stories, and consider whether you should act.

Determine to live life happy, healthy, successful, and free. Let it get to you today. You can do it!

Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season,

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, christianity, conquering fear, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 6 Comments »

Beat The Blues

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Life has its seasons that are not dictated by a calendar. During the holidays, or a special celebration such as a wedding, you may wonder why you do not share the same happiness or enthusiasm as those around you. The pressure to perform as if you feel differently can cause discomfort, and comparing yourself against expectations can create the blues. You can give in to your sad feelings and allow them to dictate your reactions, or you can fight the despair and beat the blues.

This does not mean your feelings disappear. It means you face them. It is not easy. But you can do it! You may not be able to control the circumstances around you, but you can control your attitude, your thoughts, and your stance as you face life. Are you determined to make it and beat the blues? To know how to fight your way out, you must figure out what you are facing. Here is an exercise to sort out what feelings are stirring underneath, and to face them to beat the blues.

Sometimes you just feel down. Loneliness, sadness, and unrealistic expectations can trigger feelings of inadequacy and a sense of despair. Are you comparing yourself to others or to an impossible standard you created? Are you allowing unexpected circumstances or changes to derail your life journey? You can find bits of pleasure through the pain. You can get out of the pit and find true happiness.

You still have to grieve, but you can lessen tragedy’s impact on your life by taking care of yourself. First be sure you just have the blues, and not true depression. If you are not sure, check with an authority on the subject. There are sometimes chemical imbalances that need a doctor’s care, and you might need to have a professional help you regularly address your depression to get through it. Next, be sure you are caring for your basic needs. How are you managing stress? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating to give yourself energy rather than run you down to fatigue? Finally, are you ready to be happy again? If you are determined to be down, you will be. You need to be at your best to fulfill the life purpose God has given you. Are you ready? Whether you are depressed or just feeling the blues, your attitude and thought life will play an important role in feeling better. This exercise can show you how to fight it, to face it, and to beat the blues.

In the 1960’s, The Byrds had a famous song entitled “Turn! Turn! Turn!” based on Ecclesiastes chapter 3 of the Bible which begins “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…”. This exercise uses the lines of chapter 3 as a blueprint to understand the seasons of life. See where you are now by how you interpret each line. Your answers, if you are honest, will help you understand the strongest currents in your life at this time. Notice which lines stir up the strongest emotions, and promise to give yourself time to sort them out.

When you are saddened by something, you may feel guilty for not enjoying the happiness of others as you would like. While you still congratulate others and act courteous at gatherings, you do not need to be fake. It is important to allow time alone to process your own feelings. This may involve writing in a journal, talking to a friend, time in prayer, reading, crying, or taking some action to resolve the matter. If you are motivated to act, allow the emotional dust to settle first, to ensure you are confident of your decision. Then create a better you.

To everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
and a time to die;

What images do you see? Are some harder to think about than others? I remember the sadness I felt while my husband and I tried desperately to overcome infertility, and I still feel the joy at our answers to prayer at the births of each of our three children. I also think of a loved one I miss.

Have you noticed that the news seems filled with more tragedy around the holidays? A two-year-old dies suddenly. Parents killed. Woman attacked. While the news media may increase their focus on these stories at that time, I suggest it is also our heightened sensitivity to everything we value. This also happens when you are grieving a tragic loss. When the feelings are raw and you have not had time to heal, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by reminders of what you have lost (or what you never had). How can you further your healing today? Is there a place for your grief in your life? If you do not make a place to express it, it expresses itself somehow, usually helping you to overreact to circumstances. What fear can you conquer today? Are you plagued with worry that your loved ones may die suddenly and outside of anyone’s control? Change your thoughts today. Focus on the time you have, however long. Life is too precious to spend one more minute wondering ‘what if’. Instead, think only on what is.

A time to plant,
and a time to pluck what is planted;

How have you sown the seeds for your future? Persistence, patience, and endurance will help you achieve your goals. What are you planting? Is it time to reap the harvest? The original Hebrew word translated as ‘pluck’ here indicates to tear it out by the roots. Are there any weeds you need to remove by the roots, so they do not take hold in your life again?

A time to kill,
and a time to heal;
a time to break down,
and a time to build up;

What is festering inside you that you need to destroy? This sense of ‘kill’ means to smite, to slay, or to destroy. Where do you need to heal? This Hebrew word means to mend by stitching, to repair, to thoroughly make whole. Notice that it is an active process. You are not just healed by time. What steps can you take today to heal any wounds? What in your life do you need to break down or to build up?

There was a time in my life when I criticized myself, playing the tapes in my head of all the negatives I had internalized from myself and others over the years. I finally determined to stop tearing myself down. I deliberately broke down the hurtful messages from the past and replaced them with truth. How can you build yourself up today?

A time to weep,
and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
And a time to dance;

Life is full of emotions. When I gave up my eating disorder, I determined to live without numbing out. I replaced the addiction with healthy habits, and now I intentionally experience life, the good and the bad. Is it time to weep or to mourn for you? Can you find more ways to laugh or to dance, to celebrate life?

A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones;

Are you creating stairs with your life steps, stones that lead to success? Is there anything you are building that is leading where you do not want to go? Cast away those stones and change your course. Gather your courage to follow God’s purpose for you, and it will lead to peace. Do you want to start a new business, go back to school, or change careers?

A time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;

Is there someone you need to comfort? Do you need comforting? Is there a relationship you need to sever? Is there a relationship you are afraid to start but feel you should? Take courage and act in confidence.

A time to get,
and a time to lose;
A time to keep,
and a time to throw away;

A time to strive after, to seek for, and to search out something, especially through prayer. Are you attending to your spiritual component? Is there something unsettled within you? Are you struggling with your understanding about God, or are you sensing a new direction for your life? There is a time to seek after answers. What do you need to get in your life? What do you need to lose or to wander away from? Do you need to sort your life and priorities? What do you need to keep, and what should be thrown away?

A time to tear,
and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;

What hinderances need to be ripped or torn from your life, and what needs to be sewn together or mended?  Do you need to speak up about something, or keep quiet even though you wish to get involved?  Use discipline and be the best you possible. 

At a time when families gather, there are often years of hurt feelings under the surface. People are not perfect. You often hurt those you feel most comfortable around. Do you need to give an apology to someone? Do you need to forgive? Depending on the severity of the act, you can give someone another chance, or stay guarded immediately. But you forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the act, nor that you forget. Trust has to be earned back. But forgiveness means you no longer allow the offender to control you, and you rise above their mistake. When you forgive, the memory of the past event will lessen its impact on your current emotions. Forgiveness improves your health as your stress level decreases.

A time to love,
and a time to hate;
a time of war,
and a time of peace.

This term for love can mean sexual or friendship love. Are there affections you need to grow in your marriage? Do you need to give more attention to your children?  Are there friendships you need to nurture? Is there any part of your life you need to hate? Where are you at war, and where are you needing peace?

I used to love my eating disorder. It was killing me, but I used it to cope. I needed to hate it, and I finally went to war. I took a chance that God really did have a plan for me. I dared to believe that I had something special to contribute to the world, that I could accomplish the goals I desired and that I was worth the effort. I now have peace. This word for peace can be translated as a sense of safety, a feeling of wellness, a happiness. Do you need more health, more prosperity, more peace?

Do not compare yourself to how you think you should feel.  Rather, check if you are progressing forward from where you were, healing through it, not trying to go around it.  Where are you stirred up today? Do you have the big picture of your life at this moment? Make a determination to change your thoughts that are defeating you, to bravely face your fears and challenges, and by getting excited about your future and taking action on your present, to beat the blues. You will be a better you.

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 13 Comments »

How To Overcome Loneliness, During The Holidays Or Any Time

Thursday, November 9th, 2006

Is loneliness robbing you of your joy, draining you of energy and enthusiasm, or sending you to despair? Fight your way back to confidence and contentment. It is not easy, but you can do it. To overcome loneliness takes courage. You must take risks and hold on to hope with determination to disperse the fog that has settled and clear the way to a better you. There is no instant fix. It requires deliberate intention to step out of the mist. It is a process, but there is always a way out. On the other side of loneliness comes deep satisfaction, a feeling of peace and belonging that fills every hollow part and fuels you with great joy.

Feeling lonely is a common emotion. What defines you is how you respond to it. Loneliness is forced solitude, isolation, or distance. It is the felt loss of a severed intimate bond, or the feeling of having no one to share in your daily experiences. Loneliness occurs from the traumatic death of a loved one. It arises out of a separation from the familiar with a move to a new city, a new job, or a new circle of friends. It seeps in when expectations are not met in relationships, such as after a marriage or the birth of a child. Solitude can be a peaceful and satisfying part of healthy living, but when forced upon someone this isolation can quickly turn into loneliness. This is why long durations of solitary confinement results in a form of torture. Even individuals surrounded by others can still feel lonely. No matter the cause of your darkness, you can triumph through it.

Holidays are a common time of loneliness for people. I remember the first year I found myself alone. After a life of warm family celebrations, I suddenly had no place to go. There was a cloud of numbing sadness over me for a while. I prayed for strength, volunteered to serve meals to the homeless to keep busy, and joined in the celebrations of others whenever possible. But I was lonely. The forced separation from what was familiar, traditional, and special to me, was very painful. It hurt to feel the isolation from what once was. But that is how life is. And the pain cannot just be ignored. It is a wound that needs dressing, so treat it. I do not believe in self-pity, nor wallowing in feelings of hopelessness. I do believe in facing what you feel, expressing it for true healing, and refusing to allow your pain to impede your progress.

If you look down at the pit you are in, then the pit is all you will see. If you look up to see a way out, then you can reach for the sky and muster the strength to climb out. When I reflect on holidays of long ago and the people who are missed, the loss of what was will always be. But the sadness that used to overwhelm the celebration now ceases to rob me of my joy. I am excited about the happiness in my children as they experience the lights and surprises of the season, and the warmth of the family and friends that my husband and I now embrace together. Life changes, and while the past may be missed, over time, and with intentional effort and focus, your future will live up to its potential. Here are 4 steps to get the most out of life and beat loneliness.

1. Recognize why you are lonely. To some this will be obvious. A tragic death, a violent trauma, a divorce, a change in environment. For others it may not be as evident, or there may be multiple contributors to your strife. Are you allowing the loneliness forced upon you to fester and grow into a deep chasm of isolation? Have you allowed the blows of life to lessen your self image? Insecurity can undermine your connections to others and intensify loneliness. Are you isolating further out of bitterness, anger, or resentment? Unforgiveness can stew deep inside and prevent you from moving on with healthy relationships (notice I said healthy relationships, because forgiveness does not mean to put yourself in danger again, if that is your situation).

Has your loneliness been prolonged? Maybe you experienced a sudden tragedy a while ago, but have not been able to move through any part of the pain. Does it still feel as though it just occurred? There is hope. Loneliness is often caused by a feeling that no one understands you, and that you are left to experience life alone. No matter your loss or circumstances, you are never alone. “…God … comforts the downcast…” 2 Corinthians 7:6 (NIV). I will always remember the way God refueled me in my quiet times, as I gathered strength to beat the loneliness, and grew to love my solitude. While no one will ever experience your same pain exactly, those who deal with life authentically and overcome tragedy with triumph know what it is like to move past debilitating pain and into a new excitement for living. These friends can help you too. Are you numbing out to fill the gap? You are not meant to stay stuck. Overcome the loneliness of your pain and replace it with an inner fulfillment and contentment.

2. Learn the effects of your loneliness. Identify any unhealthy ways you try to fill the emptiness and get determined to beat it. Some effects of loneliness include addictions, social withdrawal, and neglecting basic needs (eating, sleeping, exercise). Feeling self-conscious, angry, defensive, or having a critical attitude, feeling disconnected, reluctant to try new things, depression, and thoughts of suicide. There are even studies which show that loneliness contributes to higher blood pressure and greater risks of heart disease. Loneliness internalizes the stress of a painful change, and allows it to squash your once positive outlook. If you give in to despair, you give up. Fight. Beat loneliness. Do it today.

3. Replace the negative mindset. Target key perceptions, beliefs, and attitudes that are trapping you into the pit of loneliness, and replace them. Do you believe that you are not allowed to re-connect to the world without dishonoring the past? Are you afraid to take risks at intimacy because you might experience loss or rejection again? Is your attitude negative, critical, or self-defeating? Attitude is amazing. It can steer you towards success or veer you off your course. Each negative belief you replace is a rung on the ladder that will reach you and allow you to climb out of the pit and onto open air. Does the thought that life will never be the same send you into despair? Guess what, you are right, it will never be the same. That thought can either depress you, or propel you to action to create a better life. Life is full of wonderful opportunities and relationships waiting for you. Be determined to make the most of the moments you have now.

Work towards the point where you can embrace both the pleasure and sorrow of life as part of your time here. The pain does not just disappear, but it does not have to define you. Imagine if you were to suddenly die today. Who is closest to you, someone you love deeply? What if they were sent into the deepest despair and became smothered in sorrow? What would you tell them if given the chance? You would probably say to think of you fondly, remember the good times, and seize life. You would wish the best for them, and want your most beloved to live and love again. Can you do this for yourself?

Take risks. Life is worth it. Know that you have something to contribute to others; you do not need to be alone. At the same time, work to be content in solitude, and to embrace it. Do not allow your unmet need for intimacy to drive you to desperate choices. Your deepest hole will never be filled by another. You must be filled first in order to contribute to a healthy relationship. I grew up sharing a room, but at the end of college and before I got married, I lived alone for 6 years. This was after I had stopped my eating disordered behavior, so I had to experience the joys and the pains of life in a real way rather than numbing out from it. And I did it living alone, starting a new business, and moving to a new state.

I knew true solitude. I enjoyed the freedom it brought, the opportunity to learn more about myself each day, and the time I took in the quietness to get to know God better. But I also remember the eerie silence on cold winter nights, the emptiness of separation from everyday companionship, and the hollow numbness of being cut off from what used to be. I started out in loneliness, but I fought my way through it and emerged content and at peace with myself. I determined that I would not enter into a relationship out of a desperate need for intimacy, but that I would seek after exactly the person I knew God designed for me. I knew that I needed healing, and I purposed to use my times of loneliness to become better, healthier, and more confident in my identity. I realized that in order to truly love another, I needed first to learn how to love myself. God inspired me to take a chance and trust Him that I could make it, and I did.

4. Take action (for others and for yourself). Imagine your life 5 years from now. Can you see happiness, contentment, and fulfillment? Are your actions today driving you towards meeting your deepest needs of intimacy? Set goals and dream your dreams. Volunteer using your giftings and abilities. Help others who need help. This gets your focus off yourself and helps you gain perspective. Remember that everyone needs to beat loneliness at some point. Connect to a new group, or re-connect where you have been isolating. Join a church or other social group and get involved.

Spend quiet time with God, and learn to listen in the silence. Are you content with who you are and where you are headed? Create a better you today. Manage stress in a healthy way (journal, talk with friends, cry it out, work on a memorial project, etc.). Learn more about who you are to grow more confident in what you have to offer the world. God plans to do incredible things through you if you are willing. Read material and listen to what will encourage you in a healthy and positive outlook. Get a pet. When I lived alone I had a cat that met me at my door when I arrived, happy to see me. This “pet therapy” is often suggested to help beat loneliness.

Are you feeling neglected in your marriage? I know I used to expect my husband to know when something was bothering me, and I was hurt when he did not ask me about it. Now after over 9 years of marriage, I finally understand he cannot read my mind, and I create my own lonely moments if I expect him to do so. He is a great friend, when I give him the chance to be.

Are you feeling lonely because your relationship has changed due to the birth of a child? Take action and fix it. Open communication is crucial for a healthy marriage, so express your need to your spouse. Busy parents still need to make time to connect with each other. When was the last time you had a conversation about something other than your children?

Write a letter to yourself explaining the depths of your loneliness and your fears of conquering it. Or at the very least, write down one sentence of what makes you the loneliest. Then seal it, and hide it away. Set a date for 6 months from now, make a small notation on your calendar, and open it then. This is an exercise that can inspire you as you see how God leads you out of loneliness, how your circumstances change, and your perception changes as you go on your journey.

You can overcome loneliness. It is just a fog settled for a time, that you can meander through and beyond. Decide to take action, change your attitude, and take risks today.

Posted in balance, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 13 Comments »

How To Know Who You Are In 20 Minutes

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

Your choices are based on your identity, yet every choice you make determines who you are. The identity you construct yields decisions, attitudes, and actions that are puzzle pieces of your life, which fit together intricately to create a beautiful mosaic that is you. What will your picture reveal? Will you be proactive in life, or allow others to take you along for the ride? It is easy to figure out who you are: you are who you create yourself to be, who you become, even at this moment. Every decision you make contributes a piece to the art of your existence. Search endlessly to find who you are, and your masterpiece will be filled with longing, existential angst, wandering, and aimlessness. Decide to create a better you, to design yourself around your desires, priorities, beliefs, and giftings, and you will see the masterpiece that is meant to be. Complete the exercise below and you will know who you are so you can decide who you want to be and what your life will say.

By choosing to act in alignment with your core self and follow what path you have chosen, you are already making changes. You may not be who you will become, but you are not who you once were. So who are you becoming today? If you find your identity in others, your self-esteem and sense of worth will be dependent on their choices and leadings. If instead you recognize that you are an original, then act like it.

To construct a masterpiece work of art, there are defining lines and shadows. Without the contrast, the beauty and starkness of the image is lost. Contrast allows for the vivid colors to stand out as beautiful as the designer intended. Dark shadows, like hard times, can color a portion of our journey. Will you allow your dark shadows to define you, or will you rise above and make the statement you were intended to contribute to the world? You have a vivid, brilliant image to create, so do not get stuck filling your canvas with shadows and miss the masterpiece waiting to emerge from them. Decide today to move beyond your circumstances.

The other day my 15-month-old baby was walking and fell by our brick fireplace. She split her lip and it was bleeding. I think her tears hurt me more than her, because I rushed to comfort her and tell her it would be okay. As I held her, I reassured her that it would be “all better” soon. Suddenly she jumped up as if everything was fine, and took off running past the fireplace to play. I remember thinking, why can’t we do that in life? Get comfort, take courage, then try again. Instead, we are often like my in-law’s dog was around pools. Once as a younger puppy she had fallen into the pool during winter, and the cold water scared her (she was immediately rescued). For the rest of her years, she was hesitant around the pool, and refused to even consider getting in again. How do you handle life? Do you structure your identity around hurts or blows, or do you move on despite your past? You are not defined by what happens to you, but by how you respond to the happenings of life.

If your life were an open book, would people care to read it? Does your belief system sway with the wind? Are you manipulated by motivational speeches from fast-talkers with empty, shallow promises that do not deliver (but often cost you money)? Do you think your identity depends solely on your career or other accolades? Does your life’s journey need a compass and a map, or do you know where you are and where you are headed? Are you confident in who you are? Here is how to determine your identity:

This exercise requires you to be honest. If you are answering what others want to hear, you will not be seeing yourself, but a superficial image you project. Be real with yourself as you do this and you will discover the richness of your existence! It is that simple, but it is not easy. It requires the courage to be honest, and recognize you will find areas for change. Get out a paper and writing implement, and be ready to write (a computer will do, but writing by hand can trigger more creativity).

1. Beliefs: What are your beliefs? Begin writing down the first thing that you think about, and continue to write on each of these belief system components until you feel your answer is complete (or force yourself to stop at 5 minutes for this first round, and to address each part with at least a few sentences). Think about what drives your moral compass, brings you strength, what values contribute to your sense of worth and your life philosophy. Here are the three components:

beliefs about God and your spiritual life
beliefs about yourself: what messages you send mentally, physically, and emotionally
beliefs about life: how you fit into the world (your purpose), attitude, outlook, and what character traits you value

2. Personality: What traits are contained in your unique and special personality? Take 5 minutes to find and record descriptive words about yours. I have included a handy way to answer this in less than 5 minutes. God designed us all differently. Can you imagine if everyone wanted to be in charge of little details, and there were no people to see the big picture? What if everyone was a great listener, but nobody could think of anything to say? Your personality is filled with a unique combination of traits that can be used for bettering yourself and others, or for tearing yourself and others down. A person gifted in organization, for example, can choose to be domineering and manipulative, or can choose to better others with encouragement as they see the big picture and help complete projects.

Knowing your personality and giftings can help you understand areas for change, and can help you feel proud of who God made you to be. If you have never taken a personality profile test, they can be fun to try, so why not do one now? Remember, be honest. Here is a link to one I found via a google search. It is free, easy to do, and gives quick results (it took me about two minutes to answer). Give it a try! When you return, I will share my results with you too (and we will get to the most important part of this exercise!). If anyone would like to suggest another test, I am happy to review it and add it to this list (there are also excellent personality profiles tests in print). http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Are you back? What did you find out? Do you see yourself described in the results? You may only identify with part of the description, or you may feel you are more of a combination of two descriptions. If you are puzzled by the results, did you answer the questions honestly, or did you answer as you thought you should (rather than how you really feel)? Select the words that best describe your personality and write them down.

If anyone is curious, I scored as INFJ, and I especially liked the description by Butt and Hess (linked on the results page). It is amazing when you see parts of you described! Now, while some personality-types are eager to analyze and assess their strengths and qualities, there are other personalities that see it as a waste of time, or that hate to be labeled and “put into a box”. I suspect if that is you, you skipped the test and continued to read- am I right? No problem, you have only proven my point. People have different personalities, and this diversity is what makes life interesting.

3. Actions: Take 5 minutes to list how this identity manifests itself in actions by recording your:

priorities, interests, hobbies, talents, and giftings
influence and initiative
coping skills/ how you manage adversity
accomplishments and goals
relationships

The most important finishing touch on your identity will use up the last 5 minutes: now that you have figured out who you are, create who you want to be by making changes immediately. Look at the results. Your beliefs, your personality, and your resulting actions all merge together as pieces of your puzzle. This is how you perceive yourself, which in turn, determines how you portray yourself. Consider what you wrote that is negative. Are your messages about yourself, for example, truly who you are, or are they a product of allowing external circumstances or events to darken your internal perception? One quick way to do this is to mark those you can change with a star (or colored pen), and those you cannot change with a different symbol or color. The ones you can change are often accurate, and the ones you cannot change are often negative messages you have internalized that are not who you truly are. Do not believe lies propagated on you because of trauma or hardship. See who you really want to be, and become that person today.

Now comes the most important step: take the negative messages you can change and re-write them as positive. Instead of writing you are a “victim”, be a “survivor”. Change “miserable alcoholic” to “recovering alcoholic with one day of triumphant sobriety”. Rather than “hot-tempered”, be a “person of strong convictions who no longer takes out anger on others or yourself”. Instead of “a failure in business”, be a “successful entrepreneur, with some failed startups that are teaching you as you improve your business plan”. Change “lonely and alone” to someone “determined to face fear, meet new people, knowing you have a lot to contribute to a relationship” (pick a social group that aligns with your beliefs and get involved today). Instead of “stupid” (a message you tell yourself because of others’ opinion, perhaps?), say “I may not have the best grades, but if they gave out grades I would get an A+ in ____”. Instead of “I’m ugly”, record what is beautiful about you.

This is an initial picture of you. To go deeper, repeat this exercise. Do this process again and again until you feel proud of your big picture. In an instant, with determination to change, you have changed yourself. “As a man thinketh, so is he” Proverbs 23:7. Change your perception and your reality changes. Tell yourself you are hopeless and you feel hopeless. Tell yourself you can do it, and you will. Be optimistic! Phil. 4:8-9. God says to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2, so figure out what messages are in your mind through this exercise, and change the negative thoughts to positive today.

You may leave your results in sentence or list form, rewrite it into a poem, create a collage of words (like a tag cloud of your life) or images to represent you, or even create an audio or video recording as a keepsake for loved ones to cherish. Be proud of who you are, and if you are not, then become who you can be proud of, and do it today.

I am a fighter. I have made it through significant trauma in childhood, I have overcome a life-threatening eating disorder, and I have changed how I perceive the world and myself to live confident in who I am and why I am here. My canvas is covered with beautiful vibrant colors, and an emerging pattern that I can only describe as uniquely me. The shadows and lines give it focus as accents (but do not dominate the image), and I am better for them. I welcome each new stroke whether dark or light, as I face the world from my life philosophy. I know God is my guiding compass, and the Bible is my map. In knowing who I am, I also know what I need to change, and I keep my eye on the prize. I strive to be more like God everyday, helping others when opportunities arise, and staying sure in God’s love for me so I have love to give. What about you? Are you confident in who you are? Get to know yourself again, and find ways to become a better you.

Patricia

Posted in a higher power, attitude, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, spirituality, success | 11 Comments »

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