Archive for the ‘diet & health’ Category

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Start A New Habit Or Break A Bad One: Ten Steps To Guarantee Success For Anyone

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

You can succeed where other fail. You can start a new habit or break an old one. You can change your life today. Do you want to stop an addiction to drugs or alcohol, lose weight on a diet, quit smoking, give up coffee, stop yelling at your kids, change a spending habit, be more productive in business, or be more assertive? What habit do you want to include or kick out of your life? Most people begin a new habit and fail to include all of these ten steps. If any of these are left out, your success is sabotaged before you begin. If you include these ten components, you are guaranteed success. Change your conditioned reactions to life and create new ones by following these ten steps.

1. Identify the habit. Be specific. Do you want to lose weight? Know exactly how much you want to lose and in what time frame (ie. 30 pounds in 6 months). Do your research. For example, if you are trying to diet, find out what to reasonably expect. You can safely lose 1-2 pounds per week, so 30 pounds in 6 months is a reasonable goal, and easily achieved. Why is it easy? Because if you follow these steps, you are guaranteed success. No tricks, no gimmicks. It is up to you. Do you want it bad enough?

2. Desire to start or to break the habit. You need a real longing, a want that pushes you towards your goal. You have to be willing to give up the way life is now. It is the only way to spark real change. If you are happy with life as it is, you will not succeed in change. Are you trying to change only because others tell you that you should? This is not enough of a motivator. Instead, ask them why. Are you denying the effects of your habit (or lack of habit) on your life? Listen to your loved ones, let it get to you, and inspire your desire for change. List what you will miss if you do not begin this new habit, or what you will gain if you give up an old habit. To succeed, you have to know why you want to change it. Do you really want your goal? If so, you will. If not, you will not. If you plan to succeed, you will. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” (Possibly an “old army adage” according to armytimes.com, but if anyone knows who first said this quote, please enlighten us in the comments and include your reliable source- I love accurate citations, but this one is over-used and under-cited).

3. Learn why you do it (or why not). What do you get out of how things are now? Figure out what need it fills (so you can fill it a different way). Is your habit a coping mechanism, helping you relieve stress or numb out from life’s pain? You can choose to manage stress in a healthy way, and find true happiness by making a healthy change. Is your habit a conditioned reaction to events, done for immediate gratification in times of sadness or frustration? You can change your pattern, learn to respond rather than react, and create a healthy substitute. Are you running from the pain of your past, and just getting by? If so, the thought of losing this habit probably scares you. You can do it. Do you want to start a new habit? What will you have to give up? If you want to start an exercise regime, for example, find wasted time during the day that you can make productive through this new habit. Instead of watching a television show, exercise. Why have you not started (and stayed with) this habit before? Do you believe you are too lazy (do you need to change your thinking)?

If you need perspective, talk with a friend. Whatever pain is driving you, it may take effort, but get through it and re-direct it. If you have serious trauma or unresolved pain, you may need to talk with someone to get past it. This is not “navel-gazing”. Healing from tragedy and trauma take time, but you must change your reaction to the pain to get better. If you are hurt from a fire and douse yourself with the first liquid available, which happens to be oil, the fire will only get worse! You have to get to water (or even better a fire extinguisher)! Life works this way too. You must change your habit to heal. What message does your current lifestyle send to you and how does it reinforce the negative?

4. Replace negative messages with positive ones. The moment you either give up or begin a new habit, you have changed.  Remind yourself of that.  Say “I am now losing weight, I have quit smoking, I am now a more assertive person…” or whatever fits with your goal.  This can be liberating if you truly believe you have changed.  Do not go back.  You need a new life slogan, one that says “you can do it”! If you do not believe you can, you cannot. Do you believe you have a destination? is your life’s train going anywhere? Replace the old messages with new ones. Love yourself, hate the habit, forgive yourself as God forgives you. You are a worthwhile person. This is hard for many to do. Get help from friends, positive quotes from the internet, or inspirational Bible verses to remind you of the truth of your unique and amazing life purpose. If you can, post affirmations where you will see them. The belief you can succeed is essential for success.

5. Get specific: plan for success. You need details to succeed. To start an exercise plan, decide exactly what days and times you will work out. Do you need to purchase any equipment or join a gym? do you need childcare? Plan ahead for an entire week, and be sure you are not exercising more than what is healthy for you (check with your doctor if needed). To stop smoking, have a detailed plan. Research over-the-counter items you may need. Use the internet to find support groups or materials to read. To lose weight, be careful not to pick an unhealthy plan. Some fad diets will take lots of your money and mess up your metabolism. If you are promised to lose a huge amount of weight in a short period of time, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. These programs will take your money and after you quickly lose a few pounds, you quickly gain back more than you had before you started. Choose a healthy well-balanced eating plan and write out your meals and grocery list for one week. What details do you need to figure out for the first week of your new life?

6. Take responsibility. If you think you are stuck this way, you will be. You can be the person you want to be, but it is up to you. These ten steps will guarantee your success, but only you can guarantee that you will follow these ten steps. Regardless of why you have had or avoided this habit, you have the control. Whether you just need a note on the fridge as a reminder to have a positive attitude, or you need a friend you can call every morning with the details of your plan, or even if you need some hospitalization or medication, it is still your choice to succeed. It is your life. Make a contract with yourself to live it differently today.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, a Russian scientist and Nobel Prize winner from the early 1900’s, is responsible for the famous “Pavlov’s dog” experiment (nobelprize.org, wikipedia). This is often used in conversation to refer to someone who is not using critical thinking but rather just impulsively reacts to situations. In the experiments, Pavlov noticed dogs salivating in response to food. He then altered this response by using various techniques, including whistles, tuning forks, and certain visual stimuli (interestingly enough, while legend says a bell was used, there is actually no evidence of this, and no bell was ever found in his laboratory). After the dog heard a sound and saw the food together, he eventually only heard the sound, but still salivated. This process of training worked to establish a pattern reaction, and to stop a pattern reaction. Your body works in much the same way. Change your conditioning, and you will change your habit. Stop allowing conditioned reflexes to establish your reaction. Become conscious of your actions and your reactions, and respond rather than react. Choose your behavior by choosing what rewards and consequences are coupled with it.

7. Reinforce your behavior. What are the rewards for doing or stopping your habit? What are the consequences you will set? This is part of the re-conditioning in Pavlov’s dog’s response. Change your reward system. Condition yourself to success and you will succeed. You get up in the morning and earn your money, right? What makes you get up and get going? You do not want the electricity turned off, and you want to keep a roof over your head and gas in your car. You need the same system of reward/consequence to start or stop a habit. If you lose weight or quit smoking, put the money you would have spent on junk food or cigarettes into a jar every day, and give yourself a reward every week. Start a savings account and watch the numbers grow. Buy a new dress, go to a movie, or do something else fun (and non-destructive).

Aside from breaking a contract with yourself, which should be severe if you value your word, what tangible consequence can you create? Do not be cruel or mean to yourself. Be confident, but firm. For example, Is there a fun event you want to attend? Make your habit (to lose it or do it) a condition of the event. Be sure this is not something like your child’s play (that would hurt your child), but something you really look forward to, such as a concert, a date out without the kids, or a night out with your friends. If you have the prize in sight, it will help you stay focused. Remember what you could lose.

8. Accountability and support system. Set it up, period. No excuses. Find a friend, get a sponsor, find a support group (there are groups to deal with grief, addiction, and more). Cut out sabotage. Get encouraged by stories of those who have made it. Whether in person, on the phone, or through the internet, be accountable. Pray. In your quiet times with God, commit to your decision and draw strength in your prayer time. Have a plan of action to prevent failure.

9. Have a plan to fall back on, before you quit, so you never will. This is a key component. You need to commit in the contract with yourself, to follow your fall back plan before you quit. Have a list of Bible verses to read to give you strength and go somewhere private to read them (the bathroom will do). Have some positive affirmations written out and read them to yourself slowly, until the panic or impulse to fail lessens. If the pressure to quit continues, have a list of people to call and talk out what you are thinking. Do not rationalize yourself to failure. Come back here and read this again, and remind yourself: you can do it!

Actively tell yourself new messages to change the old messages. If you are trying to lose weight and feel like you are going to die, for example, what is the truth? Are you confident you are following a doctor-recommended plan? If you have followed #5 above, then you can say yes. Re-interpret your hunger. If your body is hungry, you will still survive until the next meal. But consider if you are just emotionally hungry: are you angry, lonely, or tired? Find ways to fill this instead of using food.

Draw your line early, to maximize success. If you are an alcoholic who stopped drinking, do not allow yourself into bars. When you hit the worst stress and if you find yourself inside a bar, this is a warning flag. You have crossed a line that puts you into the danger zone. You are in the danger zone but you have not relapsed yet. Allow yourself a danger zone, and define it early. Try to never enter it. Consider this zone your last resort, and be sure it is something that will not do harm to yourself or others. Is your temper out of control? There is no excuse for taking it out on others (or yourself). Get it in control. Your danger zone should be early, when you feel your anger rise up. Whatever this is for you, your warning should be to leave the situation. Do it immediately, and follow your fall back plan to calm down. Try to never enter the danger zone, but have one nevertheless.

When you are tempted to fail, count to ten, breathe, and then follow your fall back plan. Make it long enough to include at least ten minutes of activity. If after ten minutes you are still on the edge of reverting to the old you, then start the fall back plan again. Repeat until your temptation moment has passed. Too many people say that “relapse is a part of recovery”. This is just an excuse to keep starting over, and never be truly free. Do not condemn yourself if you have failed before. You simply did not have the tools or the resolve. But you can do it now. You can follow these ten steps and this time, it will be different. Do not believe that you are inherently flawed and incapable of real change. You are as capable as anyone, and only you can change your life. Do it now, and do it for good. What danger zone and plan of action do you need to have? Set it up.

10. Make room for grief moments. Whether your change in habit feels so wonderful that it only takes a few minutes, or you are taking it a moment at a time, you will still find yourself needing to grieve. The first 20-30 days of a new habit (or the cessation of an old one) are critical for success. One reason is that you are still grieving as you change. So grieve. If it was a significant addiction, you may still find yourself grieving after a year. Grieve over what it has cost you, grieve over how you have hurt yourself and others, and grieve over what you are losing (a fast way to numb out and live in self-pity). It may sound odd to outsiders, but when you have truly made a significant change in your life, there are moments when the old ways may be missed.

Sometimes it comes when you have failed, and you wish for the old way of blaming it on your habit rather than an idea you had. Is your habit (or lack of a habit) an excuse to believe you are a failure, and never try to succeed? Are you using your habit to feel safer? To insulate you from criticism? For example, in business, some have a habit of blaming others for everything, and abdicate talent and ability by refusing to lead, therefore never bearing the blame. Step up and risk failure: it is the only way to create success.

Are you ready for change? Do it today.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, success, time management | 26 Comments »

Nourishing Meme: Patricia’s Answers From A Better You Blog

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

I have received and responded to numerous emails with questions about me personally, and I am delighted to answer a few here in this post. I want to thank Ed Mills of Evolving Times, who called me a wonderful writer of personal growth, and has asked me to continue this nourishing meme by answering these 5 questions. I appreciate his supportive comments and his contribution to articles on the Law of Attraction. His website hosts the Law of Attraction Carnival, so check it out. Here are the questions and my responses:

1.  What is the most nourishing thing you frequently do for yourself?

I grew up close enough to drive to the beach whenever I wanted to feel God’s strength, and get re-fueled for the day. Now that I live farther away, I try to glean a bit of the energy and enthusiasm this awesome force of nature creates every day. The most nourishing thing I do is this quick two-minute activity that refreshes me every time. I do this when stuck in traffic, when outside with my children, or whenever.

I feel the sunshine on my face, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer of thanks for my family and my life, and then consciously look around for something to enjoy. It may be noticing the vivid colors of a beautiful flower, it could be appreciating the amazing things around me (instrumental or vocal talent, the precision of a brick layer, or even the bravery of workers on a high rise), and it sometimes is the pattern or movement of clouds on a windy day. I also try to include my children in this exercise. Yesterday, for example, I mentioned the birds flying in unison, and my son (who is in kindergarten) was fascinated by their flight pattern that changed in an instant (but was still perfectly formed). After this quick moment of refreshing, I remember what really matters, and can easily shake off any worries or stress that tries to build up.

2.  For your health, what will you never compromise on?

My eating plan. It has provided over 14 years of freedom from my eating disorder, and gives me flexibility and a range of options. I eat a balance of different food groups over the course of each day, and I eat every 4-5 hours to keep a level blood sugar. I also omit refined sugars (yes, that means sugary desserts too). I am not a great cook or baker, but I can now make a great banana bread with natural fructose from apple juice that is absolutely delicious.

3.  Where do you get most of your health information?

Being an academic, I tend to prefer scholarly articles first. I must admit, however, when faced with a sudden problem with one of my children, I quickly google a solution. I pay careful attention to the source, since there are many websites that can appear authentic but are filled with nothing more than subjective opinion. WebMD has some great information, but I am also interested in herbal remedies. I always remind people, however, that just because it is called an “herb” does not mean it is safe. Herbs have a variety of medicinal properties and can interact or cause problems with other medications or conditions, so do your research. I also refer to my own medical books for some answers (I own a modest collection).

4.  What single whole food or supplement has turned your health around the most?

Water- a whole liquid rather than whole food. One change I made as part of my healthy eating plan is to drink lots of water. I notice an incredible difference in my energy levels, my resistance to illness, and my overall health when I keep my body cleansed regularly with water. I will add that the avoidance of refined sugars has made an amazing difference too.

5.  What is your favorite natural therapy?

A soothing massage. I have had several professional massages in my life. They were wonderful. After a while, my husband realized how relaxed I get (and how much money I spent), and said he could give me massages himself. I still get professional massages whenever I want, but I prefer the massages he gives. I love that he spends so much time with me making every muscle relax, and that we can share it together with such intimacy. I love giving him a soothing massage too. It is great for a marriage- I encourage everyone to try it!

I would love to see this meme continue from anyone who wants to contribute an answer.  Leave a trackback here so we know where to go, or post a comment with your responses.  I also am interested specifically in Christine Kane’s answers.  I would also like to add two more questions: 

6.  What gives you the greatest inspiration? 

For me, my faith in God, my family, and a positive outlook.  I will triumph over any adversity, I am determined.

7.  How are you trying to make a difference in the world?  Or, what would people say at your funeral?

I hope that when I leave this life people will say they were better off for having known me.  I hope that I will have used the inspiration I gain from life to help inspire others to great things, and that I will have lived authentically and taken advantage of every moment.

Now, it is your turn…

Posted in balance, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, diet & health, eating disorders, family, marriage, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality | 4 Comments »

Share Your Thoughts: Comments Are Now On!

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Share Your Thoughts: Comments Are Now On!

I am pleased to announce that comments are now on. I originally kept them off due to spam concerns, but for now, I think the community that comments bring is worth the risk. I have received so many insightful responses and questions through emails and trackbacks since the inception of this blog, and I would love for all readers to see some of the dialog that goes on about each post. So, comments are now on. Please share your insights on any post that moved you, expand on my thoughts, or just contribute your feedback. I look forward to hearing even more from you all.

Thank you again for your commentary, and I hope you leave here a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 1 Comment »

30 Things That Take 30 Seconds Each: Which Will You Do To Change The World?

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

Attitude is foundational to success. A generous person with a positive attitude will thrive. If you change your attitude, you change your perception, change your actions, and change your life. As every life changes, you change the world. Over at Lorelle On Wordpress she challenges bloggers to create a list of 30 things that can each be done in only 30 seconds. Imagine if millions or billions of people each did one of these- how would the world be different? In keeping with the theme of personal development, I have put together ways to improve yourself or others and create a better you in 30 seconds or less. Imagine if everyone did just a few of these at once? Here is my list.

1. Change your tone of voice. For 30 seconds, speak softer, calmer, or just more pleasantly. You might be surprised at the results. Did you know, for example, that a softer voice giving clear instructions commands more authority with children than a yell? If frustrated in a business dealing, try a more peaceful tone, even if only for 30 seconds, and see if it leads to a quicker resolution.

2. Choose one idea you gave up and re-visit it. For 30 seconds, consider giving it one more try. Was there an invention, a project, or some task that just seemed too daunting or frustrating? Choose one and decide to try it one more time. Imagine if everyone mustered up the courage to use their God-given ingenuity in whatever their giftings. What new things would the world see created?

3. For 30 seconds, give someone another chance. Listen for just one more time, re-evaluate a first impression, or give one more opportunity to see if they have changed. You may be surprised.

4. Tell your children “I love you” or “I am proud of you”. Make it meaningful, look them in the eye, and show how you value them. It will mean the world. Imagine if every parent said affirming words to every child, for 30 seconds, everyday.

5. The next time you find yourself wanting instant gratification, impatiently wanting something you cannot have at that moment, give thanks to God for what you already do have for 30 seconds. It may change your attitude.

6. For 30 seconds, stand up straighter and with your head held high. Look others in the eye and walk with confidence. See how great it feels?

7. Choose one thing you were putting off for another time that could be done today, and decide to do it! It only takes 30 seconds to make a decision to act. Be sure you value keeping your promise to yourself, and then know that this will lead to action.

8. Clean up someone else’s mess.

9. Compliment someone with a genuine comment on what you appreciate or respect about them.

10. Stand up for someone or something you believe in. A quick sentence of support can do wonders and expand your influence.

11. Find a way to authentically encourage someone in their efforts with a “you can do it!” comment. Believe in them and show it.

12. Invite someone over (or a group of someones) that you would like to get to know: set a specific time and day for a dinner together. The world could use more socializing. What about you? Take the initiative and make the invitation to a new friendship.

13. Give your spouse a physical sign of affection for 30 seconds in public. Brush your hand softly on her cheek, run your fingers through his hair, give a soft hug, a gentle squeeze of the hand, or a quick kiss. It is good for children to see their parents comfortable with quick displays of affection, and great for strengthening intimacy in marriage. Imagine how closeness might grow in marriages if every couple deliberately showed affection for 30 seconds? Better yet, do it several times a day.

14. Learn 1 new word (preferably from a different language than you already know) or learn a quick and wonderful fact about another culture or country.

15. Write a check for 10% of your monthly income and place it in the mailbox. Send it to your church, a charity, or a worthy cause, but give it away.

16. Pray every morning for 30 seconds to conquer your fear and courageously face all your opportunities, keep your mind open in setting goals and keep your attitude positive. Quickly judge your plan for the day against your priorities (be sure your choices fit with your focus- remember in business and for your family, time is one of your most valuable assets). After the 30 seconds, you may be inspired to make a change.

17. Ask someone “how are you doing?” and then be ready to truly listen.

18. Put $20 in an envelope (or $50 or $100), write “from anonymous”, and secretly (and quickly, to fit in 30 seconds) leave it with someone you know could use it. Doing good deeds without public recognition feels great.. Try it and see!

19. Do something quick for the environment: refuse food in styrofoam, tear apart those plastic things that go around cans and choke birds, or help an animal in distress break free, etc.

20. Choose a great breakfast (your best energy starts with a 30 second decision). Choose to eat no sugar and foods low in starch. Eat more protein and fruit. Start your day right to be more productive.

21. If you have been indoors, get out and feel the sunshine on your face for 30 seconds- it will elevate your mood quickly (if it is 100 degrees outside then feel the sunshine from a more comfortable temperature if possible).

22. Say yes to giving a charitable donation at your local merchant when asked (give one more time than you had planned to give).

23. Register to vote. Just fill out a 30 second card! As you follow this or any registration process of your country, determine to take advantage of the opportunity to vote when it comes, if you are able to do so.

24. Plant a seed (or plant a plant or tree if you have the skills to do so this quickly). Imagine if millions did this at once.

25. Turn off the lights in a room where you are not (turn off the water when not in use, etc.). Every 30 seconds matters.

26. Place a bag by your trash and put a recyclable item inside it. Congratulations, you have now started recycling!

27. Stop any bad habit in 30 seconds. Then keep repeating at 30 second intervals.

28. Seek out laughter and laugh for 30 seconds. Repeat as needed to release tension.

29. Drink water.

30. Imagine for 30 seconds being content with everything you have. Then imagine balancing contentment with striving to continue God’s purpose in you, take an attitude of perseverance, and determine to go for it!

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, work & career | 17 Comments »

Personal Development Newsletter From A Better You Blog: Living Happy, Healthy, Successful, And Free

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

A Better You Blog is starting a Personal Development Newsletter to help readers create a better you. Topics include managing stress, success in business and life, and making the most of every moment.  It will provide information not available elsewhere, and will include tips, tricks, and advice on living happy, healthy, successful, and free. If you have benefited from the articles on this website, you will enjoy the newsletter content. It is easy to sign up! Just enter your email address at the newsletter invitation at the end of any page on this website.

I use an automated service so your email is secure, and you can easily unsubscribe at any time. The newsletter will be sent out approximately monthly, and will begin after a subscribing base is established.

I hate it when I subscribe to a newsletter and then my inbox is filled with junk, junk, and more annoying junk. A Better You Blog does not spam, will not send you repetitive or off-topic emails, and is focused on the quality of the content rather than the frequency of the message. My goal is that you find information and inspiration to leave here a better you.

Thank you for visiting! The newsletter sign up form is found below.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | No Comments »

Eating Disorder Recovery, 14 Years Free: You Can Break From Addictions Or Bad Habits Too!

Thursday, September 28th, 2006

Freedom is amazing. My emotions no longer dictate my behavior, and my circumstances no longer control my response. I choose each day to live free, and my life is an amazing adventure for it. I used to be trapped by an eating disorder, confined to self-degrading thoughts whenever I felt hungry. I never understood that food is fuel, and nothing more. Instead, food was an escape, a refuge, and a reward. Diets enslaved me, and the desire for control consumed me. I looked successful on the outside, but I was dying on the inside. That changed over fourteen years ago, and my journey to wholeness has changed my entire perspective on life. I love life, I seize every opportunity, and I choose to live each day as required to be proud of who I am. I truly love how God has made me.

Before recovery, I worked hard to hide my struggles, because I did not want to admit there was anything wrong. I was hurting, but I never let it show. I was a successful overachiever, friendly, outgoing, a hospital volunteer, and a straight-A student. My public life was thriving, but in private, I was deteriorating rapidly. As my eating disorder progressed, so did my physical symptoms, and I felt my body grow weaker. But I was determined to make it. I knew of no other way to cope. I was crying out for attention, abusing my body, forcing my train up a hill on a path leading to a brick wall. If nothing had changed my course, my life would have ended. But God showed me a way out, and I realized that my bulimia (and anorexic behavior) was putting my life in danger. I got help, and my life has never been the same.

Our society encourages using food as entertainment, comfort, and consolation. This programming begins early. We are trained to “pig out” for fun or fellowship, skip meals to demonstrate self-control, and eat fast food fast. It is easy to take these messages to the extreme. In my pain and low self-image, I quickly learned to measure my success or failure in life against my ability to deprive my body of its desire for food. I hated my body because of past trauma, and I felt I could never be good enough in anyone’s eyes. For me, food reinforced that hatred. I grew up in church and always believed in keeping my body healthy, so I never drank alcohol, smoked, or did drugs. In my eating disorder, I never took laxatives, diet pills, or any other substance, believing that meant I did not have a real problem. My use of food, however, was still extremely destructive. It is interesting that many Christians, and anyone else who tries to avoid unhealthy practices, often use food in the same way as any other vice. Food becomes comfort, when it really is designed to be sustenance.

Temporarily, food comforts as it masks your pain. During the awkward teenage years, that are already difficult for anyone, I was living with no way to deal with my circumstances and feelings of worthlessness from my trauma. All I could do was stuff them down, way down. Obsession with diets and food happened naturally, and soon became how I coped. I was a skinny girl, but I felt huge. Rather than deal with what was really bothering me at a given moment, I could focus on how fat I felt, how awful I was for eating anything, or how strong I was for skipping a meal. My eating disorder became my coping mechanism, but rather than helping me through life’s difficulties, it was burying me deeper. I am grateful to it, however, not for what it was, but for who I am after emerging from it.

I am grateful that it happened because I needed a way out and I found it. I am grateful because I am a stronger person for having beaten it. I am grateful because it forced me to realize that I can rationalize almost anything and that does not make it true. No matter how much I wanted to think I was in control, I was not. No matter how much I thought I could handle food, I could not. I had to get help to stop it, and it changed my life. For over fourteen years I have followed an eating plan, maintained a healthy weight for my size 6 frame, and enjoyed exercise in moderation. My plan includes three meals and one snack a day, and no refined sugar. I now live a balanced life. I no longer think about food until it is time to eat, and I no longer beat myself up over what I eat. I know how to eat healthy and I choose to do so to live my best life, free of addictive behavior. I have no problem eating in front of anyone, regardless of their opinions about what I eat. I eat to live, not live to eat. I have learned to enjoy what life has to offer, and I eat nutritiously so that I have the most energy to face the day. I love my body, I love who I am (imperfections and all), and I love seeing my children feel confident about themselves as I demonstrate this healthy attitude. I know the warning signs to watch out for, and I keep myself accountable to those closest to me so I stay healthy and free. And I stay on my plan, determined to keep food in its proper place, no matter what. I do not believe relapse has to be a part of recovery, not if you believe you are worth what waits for you on this side of freedom. This is what recovery looks like: when that which once controlled you no longer holds power over your life.

I used to live as Paul described in Romans 7:19 in the Bible: “…the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.” Before eating disorder recovery, I would wake up thinking today would be different, but it never was. I broke promises to myself all the time. While we all must remember the “Golden Rule” (do to others as you would have them do to you), the people-pleaser in me needed to learn the reverse: treat myself as good as I treat others (keep promises I make to myself, or do not make them at all). To effect real change, I had to realize that I deserved better treatment, and it started with how I treated myself. I determined to act as if I believed God still had hope for me, and in time, I learned it was true. I had to make a decision to trust God for help, and then to go get the help. I am grateful to those who encouraged me in recovery and who helped me face life with courage and learn to manage stress differently. Now my deepest desire is to help others have the strength and determination to live happy, healthy, successful, and truly free.

What do you turn to when crisis hits? What do you do with your emotions when faced with life’s storms? Do you have any habits, addictions, or patterns of behavior that are somehow robbing you of your best life? Are you taking away years of your future, destroying your present, running from your past? There is no easy instant fix. You can stop the destructive behavior, but you must process the festering mess underneath trying to take you back to it. You can do it. Get past your past, and stay in the present. You really can break this cycle and be free. “Crisis is what brings you closer to the place where your heart is pointed.” (Rev. G. Gregg). If you are not anchored in and pointed somewhere, you could be headed into a brick wall. Plot your course or it will be plotted for you. Live courageously and face your fear today. Break free. It truly is life-changing, and will lead you to a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

How to Be Happy: Attend to Your Four Core Components and Find True Happiness

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006

Are you happy? Do you love your life? Are you excited about every day’s possibilities? Sometimes in hurrying to a destination people neglect to enjoy the journey. The endless quest for true happiness often frustrates, and misplaced focus brings futile attempts to find the joy that is missing from life. You are not trapped by your circumstances, and your happiness does not rest with others: you can decide whether you will live happy and free, and you can do it today. You are an amazing person with something incredible to offer to this life, created with four main areas crying out to be satisfied. Balance these four core parts integral to your being, take a determined stance to succeed, and you can achieve true happiness. Make small steps and see great change, and do it now.

Happiness is not unattainable nor is it impossible: you truly can be happy. It is not selfish to desire to be happy. If you live to help others, to give of yourself, you need to have motivation, energy, and a zeal for life to spread as you give back to the world. Happiness will be a wellspring of enthusiasm from which you can continue your journey, excited about every moment. These practical steps to happiness in each of your four compartments can help speed you along. You will have a sense of calm in the midst of the storms of life, and you can be happy with yourself and be real, both inside and out.

Your life is a train ride, and happiness will come when the train is moving freely and effectively. When one compartment is weighed down by excess baggage, it slows down the whole train. You may be partly happy, or somewhat satisfied with life, but there could be so much more! Are you functioning at optimum speed, or are there areas of your being that could be happier? Do you feel fulfilled, confident, and excited to start each day? If the brakes are pulled on one compartment, or if the wheels stop turning altogether, the train will go slower, and will not be able to make it up the hills of life. Without momentum, it stops. Like The Little Train That Could, determined to make it and affirming himself with “I think I can, I think I can” until he did it, you need to know you CAN do it! You can face life and travel your journey successful and happy. Do it today!

I used to be so deeply unhappy. There were moments of laughter, moments that made me smile, and I maintained an overall pleasant countenance to those around me. But deep in my core I was restless, frustrated, and losing hope for any kind of true joy in life. I knew that I had a purpose for living and that God had plans for me to accomplish my purpose, but I felt inadequate and insecure about who I was and how I could help other people. On the outside I appeared successful and happy. I was earning straight A’s in my classes, volunteering at a hospital, and living as a people-pleaser, sacrificing any of my desires to try desperately to fulfill the expectations of others, and chastising myself when I fell short of my perfectionist expectations. I was distraught, traumatized, and insecure. I was flooring it on empty. I thought I had it all under control, but my life’s journey was severely out of balance, and its train ride was slowly being derailed.

My eating disorder was getting more serious everyday, but I did not know how to stop. It was my coping mechanism for life’s ups and downs, and I did not know how to replace it with healthy living. I had built up hurt and baggage from years of pain, and it was weighing me down. When alone with myself, the disquiet of my spirit showed me I had to change. I so desperately wanted to be at peace, truly happy, feeling satisfaction and fulfilling God’s purpose for my life.

I realized that my hopes and dreams would never be fulfilled on the self-destructive path that I was taking. One day, I woke up, saw the beautiful sun shining, felt God giving me strength, and took charge of my out-of-control train of a life: I got back on track. For the first time, I trusted my own inner voice and listened to what I felt God was telling me: get help, get it now, and get better. Start to live. You can do it! The decision to not only survive but to overcome was a monumental one because it was the start of a journey to wholeness and health, to reframing how I see the world, and to loving each moment of this precious life God has given me.

Today I am genuinely happy. I am free like never before. There are moments of sorrow, and difficult times are a part of life, but at my core, I am truly excited about life and happy to experience all of it, finding joy in everything possible. I make an effort to laugh everyday, to take pleasure in the tiniest things on my journey, and I work to not miss the precious moments of joy that happen along the way. Over fourteen years ago I changed my life, and I live happy and on track- and my happiness increases as I continue to learn how to enjoy the process and the journey. You can too! Focusing on these four components to your being will provide you a practical guide to explore where you are happy, ways your happiness is being hindered, and how to easily gain momentum and instantly experience a better and happier you.

Component #1: Mental- Follow your purpose and find your place

Your brain is intricately designed, and is like no other product I can think of: the more you use it, the more it improves, and the less you use it, the more it deteriorates. This epitomizes the expression use it or lose it. Your intellect is yearning to be challenged, to create, and to contribute your talents to the world. Happiness is often out of reach when this compartment is suppressed or denied. Are you yearning to curl up with a good book? Make time. Do you dream of attending school or learning a new trade? Start now. Do you want to start your own business, or change careers? Why wait- the world is waiting for you. Are you aching to learn how to heal from your past, to learn the keys to a better future, and to achieve the greatness you are called to make happen? Then gain speed and momentum today, and boost your journey forward. You can do it!

True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.-Helen Keller

Happiness will not be found in fleeting accolades, but in accomplishing what fulfills your true life’s purpose. Are you setting goals, both short term and long term? Do you dream your dreams, and imagine the future you desire, or do you suppress your natural desire for imagination and creativity and focus mostly on your frustrations over a monotonous area of your life? Even if your current daily activities are tedious, can you see the big picture? This can motivate you to complete your task, no matter how small, and press on for the goal, no matter how big.

If there is no big picture, then find one and make every moment count. I remember working in a lab during college and having to record hours of data which required repetitive actions. The work was interesting to me but it was tiring. I persevered, partly because I was interested in the final results, and mostly because I knew it was temporary and would yield course credit. Now, years later as I am writing my dissertation to earn a Ph.D., I am faced with analyzing hours of data yet again. This time the big picture is extremely gratifying, as I am motivated and eager to see the final results, to complete my degree, and to contribute to the professional world with my conclusions. Train your brain to exemplify the qualities of character that you aspire to hold.

Historians and Biblical scholars agree that Jesus spent about thirty years of life preparing for a comparatively short time of ministry (from one to twelve years of recorded ministry, depending on who you ask).We can learn a lesson from his journey. Train, prepare, plan, envision your future, and then do it. Are you genuinely stuck in a rut and needing to return your train to its tracks, are you on the right path but forgetting why you are going there, or are you chugging along at a slow pace and needing a boost of energy? Mental happiness is found when you have a purpose for your journey, you know where you are headed, and you are taking steps forward while facing the challenges each moment of the journey brings.

With discipline and determination you can teach yourself patience, endurance, focus, and commitment. Align your actions with your priorities and stay true to the real you. Make a conscious choice to affirm yourself and your abilities, rather than berate yourself for mistakes. Remember that most every great invention or success story occurred after repeated attempts and failures. The only way to succeed is to keep trying until you get it right. If you give up, you will never get there. Hang on, pull up, and get moving towards your goals. Your brain is a remarkable device just waiting to assist you on your journey. Use it or lose it. Have you heard the saying that success is ten percent inspiration, and ninety percent perspiration? This means it takes effort, and achievement will bring great joy.

Component #2: Physical- Be nice to your body

One day I heard someone say to listen to my body. It brought an amazing revelation to my view of life: your body lets you know when it is happy! Are you robbing your body of happiness because you neglect or ignore its messages? Your body is crying out to you- do you know what it is saying? If you have intestinal difficulties, do you sit in one place all day? If you wake up feeling “blah”, did you load up on starchy carbohydrates right before bed the night before? If you find yourself slow to get started in the morning, do you have a regular sleep pattern? Your nerve endings are designed to trigger pain to tell you something. In this world of instant medication we often forget to discover the reason behind our suffering, pain, or exhaustion. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you living an active lifestyle? Do you eat foods that give you energy or drag you down? Do you take care of yourself and get regular checkups from your doctor?

Two main keys to a happy body:

1. Live an active lifestyle. Remember when airlines used to allow certain pets onboard trapped in a small cage and stowed under your seat? Well, they did. The poor dears were stuck so tightly they could not even turn around. Are you a couch potato, confining your poor body like a caged animal on a cross-country flight, hoping for the moment the door is opened? Every pet owner knows the thrill of letting their sweet animal free to run in a park. Won’t you extend at least the same courtesy to yourself?

You were designed to roam free, and your body aches for movement. Doctors will tell you that exercise and activity provide phenomenal benefits to you: increase your metabolism, lower blood pressure, reduce stress and tension, elevate your mood, and help improve your sex life. Are you used to a sedentary lifestyle? Start small and you will notice quick improvements: even walking 20 minutes a day will lead to weight loss and an overall improvement in your feeling well. Whether you walk at the mall, go jogging in the park, play a sport, or work out at a gym, get moving!

Exercise through your adversity. President John F. Kennedy lived a life of extreme back pain. Despite numerous life-threatening back surgeries, he suffered immensely. With the help of Dr. Hans Kraus and a regular exercise regimen, he fought through his pain and improved his quality of life to where he could lift up his boy for the first time, and once again swing a golf club. The doctor’s papers reveal that exercise played a huge role in his physical successes, and if his life had not been cut short, may have championed a national exercise campaign. Set a goal today to push past your excuses and get some extra exercise- commit to be nicer to your body today!

Unless a doctor prohibits it, you were made for physical activity. Once in elementary school my teacher wanted us to jog around the field. I thought this was an impossible task for me, because I was not used to any formal exercise. I was tall and skinny, and fully capable of running, but I just could not do it. My friend and I both tried, then stopped. Tried, then stopped. We took a lower grade on the assignment and it bothered the perfectionist in me.

When I talked with my mother about it, she explained that our bodies just were not cut out for physical exercise. Our genes were just not made for real exercise. I felt better, and assumed she was right. My mom was right about many, many things, as are most moms. But on this, she was wrong. I discovered not only was I capable of exercise, I really enjoyed it! If you want true change in any area, question your assumptions. At first I felt it would be disrespect to even consider that my mom could be so wrong. I quickly learned that parents (hopefully) try their best, but no one is perfect. As a mother of three children, I hope my kids grow up to embrace life, face the world, and succeed. I also hope my children are wise enough to rise beyond my imperfections and live their best. Gain a new perspective on life as you consider some of your assumptions and reframe how you see the world around you.

2. Balanced and healthy intake: What you eat and what you drink have a huge impact on who you are and what you accomplish. Numerous studies support this assertion, including studies on juvenile offenders that show greater than twenty percent reduction (and up to fifty percent reduction) in antisocial and violent behavior when healthy foods and drinks replace junk food snacks and foods loaded with refined sugar.

Your body will be happier when you eat to live, not live to eat. Are you taking good care of your body by what you put into it, like an expensive luxury vehicle, or are you feeding it junk food and running on whatever prepackaged chemical snack you could get at the closest vending machine? Don?t treat your body like a rental car, giving it the cheapest gas and roughest treatment. It is your only body- give it the luxury treatment for the most mileage!? What are you giving your body to sustain it? Parents especially need to model this for their children. Teach them to view food as energy, and to care for their bodies as best as they can. Here is a best bet guide that I live by for maximum energy.

My main eating plan consists of keeping my blood sugar level by eating frequent, small, healthy, and balanced meals which leave me satisfied and energized to face the tasks ahead. Some tips for treating your body as royalty are as follows. Try changing just a few of these and you will see a significant change in your energy. Follow all of these suggestions and you will notice remarkable results. When I stopped my unhealthy eating I committed to an eating plan and overnight saw dramatic results. No longer did I see food as comfort or entertainment, but rather as fuel for my focus. As I grew in self-confidence I also desired to care for myself in the best way possible. With each small change, I saw both immediate and long-term benefits: and you can too!

Rather than eating two or three large meals, eat regularly, four to five times per day, and eat smaller meals. Learn to listen to your body. Do not deprive yourself of basic nutrition, but then when you are full, stop eating. If you are unsure, then HALT: are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? This classic saying I learned about food is to remind yourself to eat only when you are truly hungry. Eat balanced meals. Be sure to get enough protein, fruits, and vegetables throughout the day. Eat fiber. Limit your starchy carbohydrates, and avoid white flour (such as white bread).

Make every bite count. Find foods with nutrients that fuel your body and keep your mind alert, rather than fill it with empty calories. Eliminate refined sugar from your diet. I have gone fourteen years now without eating cake, desserts. And sugary sweets, and I do not miss them at all! Eat as natural as you can. A good rule of thumb is if a product has ingredients you cannot pronounce or do not understand, then do not eat it! If you can afford it, buy organic. Look for meats without hormones or preservatives. Avoid processed lunch meats and other foods full of nitrates: these are known to cause cancer, just like the artificial sweetener saccharin (avoid artificial sweeteners).

Eat in moderation. Do not omit fat or carbohydrates from your eating plan, but do not overload your body with them. Choose healthier fats, such as olive oil. Do not drink or smoke: care about your health and your body, and avoid these toxins. Drink plenty of water. I usually drink between 8-10 8 ounce glasses of water per day (during each of my three pregnancies, I drank up to twelve glasses per day to keep appropriately hydrated). Water is extremely important. You change the oil in your car periodically, so why not flush out the toxins in your system? Your body is crying out for water to cleanse and refresh you.

Wondering if caffeine is affecting you? Cut out your caffeine intake for a week, and see if you feel the effects of withdrawal to answer this question. Usually you will notice headaches or fatigue, among other things. Get through these first few days without it, and you will notice the feeling of a cloud lifting over you. I have spent many years without caffeine. Occasionally I will intake caffeine, but I know now how my body responds to it, so I try to avoid it.

Component #3: Emotional- Experience life

True emotional happiness comes from living a balanced life, managing stress, and living in the present, at peace with who you are and what you do.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Mahatma Gandhi.

The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances. Martha Washington.

Within this emotional component, there are four keys to making yourself happy.

1. Be honest with yourself. Get to know how you really feel inside. What bothers you and why? Do you have any unpacked baggage weighing down your life train’s emotional compartment? Unpack it today to lighten your load and gain further momentum. Are you plagued with worry about what was or what is to come? Can you focus on the moment, and notice small pleasures around you? Do you have hurt that needs to heal? Are there relationships that unsettle your spirit, that need distancing or mending? Take action today. Much of our emotional unsettling is due to selfishness. Are you being considerate, thinking of the other person’s perspective? Live as a generous person, in all you do. Be self-confident and live to be proud of who you are, the real you. Take risks and develop lasting relationships and friendships.

2. Gain perspective. It is said that perception is reality and reality is perception. Law school students often have a lesson in perception when two individuals burst through the door of their classroom during a lecture, engage in a brief altercation, and then leave. The students are then asked to record what happened on paper, which are almost always extremely varied accounts of what occurred. In one situation, for example, most agreed one person was beating up on another, but recorded that the boy was beating on the girl, when in fact, it was the other way around. Their assumptions skewed their interpretations and impressions of the event. To some degree this is true of your emotional core. Conflict, insecurity, and life’s ups and downs leave an emotional imprint.

To help you gain perspective, read any old journals you have kept, and notice what was bothering you the most in the past. How did that work itself out? Was your worry or frustration proportionate to the situation, or was it exaggerated to some degree? Like mirrors in a carnival fun house, emotions have a way of distorting the lens through which we view our circumstances. Learn from your past, step back and take an aerial view of your life’s hurdles, and consider if there is any wound or troubles that you perceive to be greater than they are.

Conversely, is there an area of hurt where you are neglecting to heal? Left untreated, deep wounds can become infected and soon spread throughout the body. Are you bleeding profusely and treating it with a small bandaid, or ignoring it altogether? Triage yourself today, and start to heal.

3. Take responsibility. You cannot control how you feel (although after you gain perspective you can control much of how you feel), but you can control how you respond. Will you numb out, losing the ability to feel the good with the bad? Will you build up your anger and resentment until you take it out on someone else? Doing this only allows those who hurt you to keep hurting you.

Enough is enough, release that hold today. Take small steps. Choose one item to change about your character and your emotional self, and start now. One small splash in a pond creates a large ripple through the current. Do you raise your voice at your children? Promise to lower it when upset instead. Experts will tell you that a soft spoken firm word commands more respect and gets faster results than a raised voice every time. Do you dredge up the past or use hurtful words when disagreeing with your spouse? Commit to having a ‘fair fight’ from now on, keeping a focus only on the present. Do you berate yourself for small mistakes, neglecting to affirm yourself? Vow to be your own best friend, and do it.

You can choose to respond to life (acting as you desire based on your processed feelings), or to react to life (letting past bottled-up hurts control your every action, including disproportionate responses and tempers). I used to hate it when my mom would say ‘use your chooser, choose to be happy’. It is not as simple as that. You have feelings you cannot deny, or they just grow. But you can choose to gain perspective, to process your feelings, to align your insides with your outside actions, and to gain peace and happiness within. Listen to the pit of your stomach, live what you believe, and be confident in your character and integrity. You can choose to pursue happiness by processing and responding, and become happier every moment for it.

4. Have an outlet, a release. To be in control and respond rather than react, give yourself an outlet, a regular release for your emotions. You have an emotional component to your core that cries out for attention. Have you ever had a noise from a car get louder and louder, the longer you ignore it? Eventually, you find out the problem when your car breaks down. Treat yourself better than this. I was struck by a poignant explanation of why we need to process our feelings and emotions by a children’s program called ‘Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Kids’. The mommy spider was explaining rain to her children who were sad because the rain stopped their game. She said that the clouds filled up with sadness and hard feelings for so long, that they got too heavy and burst- that was the rain. Then, when they get it all out, you know they are happy, because of the rainbow.

Realize that your emotions build up inside you. Endorphins are released and you feel better when your emotions have an outlet. Find a healthy one. Have you ever noticed yourself overreact to something? You are usually expressing misplaced feelings which stem from something else that is bothering you. Rather than wait until they burst at an inappropriate time, sort them out beforehand, and let it rain. For ideas on how to balance your daily activities and still make time for processing these emotions, see my article on managing stress.

Component #4: Spiritual- Fill the ‘God-shaped hole’

An episode of the Twilight Zone called the ‘Misfortune Cookie’ depicted a restaurant critic who intentionally defamed an establishment without trying a bite of food. A curse was placed on him that created an insatiable hunger for Chinese food. He ate and ate and ate but never was satisfied. His fortune cookie said he would die, and he did. His hunger was so deep and unfulfilled that he ate himself to death. Society is filled with choices of bad habits, which rob you of your health and vitality. What are you trying to consume to fill the deep void within you? Is it working? There is a core compartment of spirituality within you that can only be made happy if it is filled with the missing piece of the puzzle.

Blaise Pascal, the sixteenth century philosopher and mathematician, mentioned what we now often call the ‘God-shaped hole’ deep within each soul, crying out to be filled. “What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words, by God himself.”

Even outside of religion you can see discussions of a need for spirituality in our lives. To be truly happy, your spiritual compartment needs to be filled. It is a vast chasm, yearning to be satisfied. Like a black hole, it consumes everything in its proximity into the unending void that is your soul’s deep core. This void can be filled by God, and God alone.

When I began recovering from my eating disorder, I was told by someone to realize that there is something greater than ourselves out there, and to relinquish my perception of control over that which I cannot control. I already believed in God and knew that I drew great comfort from knowing that He was more powerful and able to sustain me and satisfy the void inside, if I let Him. What I found remarkable was the concept I heard of choosing anything I wanted as a god, even a doorknob or any image I create, so long as I looked to it to draw strength. How could I esteem as greater than myself an object that I create? It made no sense. Either I believe that there is something greater than myself, or I do not. Either God already exists, or He does not. To believe I can create a god is to believe that I am a god. What do you believe? Are you confident that you trust your beliefs, your values, and that you can draw strength from them?

If you have yet to discover what can satisfy this yearning in your spiritual core, then consider how you are attempting to fill it. Even though I believed in God, I did not trust Him to fill my deep chasm in my heart, because I was attempting to do so through my eating disorder. To make your spiritual component happy, know what you believe and who you believe in. If you are unsure, begin a fervent search for truth today. Then, find a community of encouragement to support you in your spirituality. There are local churches of all sorts in most communities, with different styles of preaching and worship to suit your worldview. Find a way to fill your emptiness and nurture the longing inside you waiting to be filled.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you are motivated to make some specific changes today, and leave here a better you. You deserve the best!

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 9 Comments »

Managing Stress: 5 Steps For a New Approach to Life

Friday, August 18th, 2006

These 5 steps to managing stress will help change your attitude and shape your whole approach to life. Stress is our response to change, and change is a part of life. Change can be exciting, uncomfortable, traumatic, and even paralyzing. Stress is often at its worst when you feel out of control. When managing stress, it takes courage and confidence to accept that you cannot control what happens around you at any moment, and even more strength to fight the fear and face each day by pressing on, despite the unknown. But you can do it. Practicing these steps radically changed my attitude and my perspective on stress, and saved my life. I learned to take a step back and get an aerial view of my problems, figure out what is weighing on me the most, and rearrange my life for maximum success.

So how stressed are you? Are you worried, frustrated, under pressure? Is your mind constantly racing, trying to keep track of everything? Stress manifests itself physically with intestine troubles, high blood pressure, exhaustion, and numerous other ailments. It also hinders you emotionally and spiritually, as you feel pulled in so many directions. You live life as a sprint, running until you collapse, then as soon as you can muster up enough energy, you pick it up again, wondering when you will collapse next (and with what, a heart attack?, the flu?, or an emotional collapse?). But there is a better way. Life is like a marathon race. Marathon runners pace themselves because they know they have a long distance to run. Are you running the marathon of life as if it were a series of sprints? Change your thinking and you can get farther. Runners leave behind any excess baggage that might slow them down (most women and men even shave the hair off their legs for increased speed). What stress is keeping you down, holding you back?

Could you use a more efficient system for managing your stress? Without a system, our instinct is to fight it, to manage stress by pushing against the strong current of life’s circumstances. This is both exhausting and dangerous. Stress is like swimming against a rip current. Rip currents are powerful flows of water that quickly drag a swimmer from the ocean (or even from just wading waste deep at the shoreline) out to beyond the breaking waves. Suddenly pulled out towards deep water, many beach goers panic, and it costs them their lives. The rip, like a stressful event, is not what kills you- it is your response to it that kills you, and your methods for managing stress may kill you too.

All oceans have rip currents- if you are going to swim, you’ll eventually face them. I remember vividly the overwhelming horror I experienced when first taken by surprise by a rip current. Every instinct wanted to panic, but the message I had heard so many times just kept playing in my head (don’t fight it, go with the flow, swim parallel and you will get out- fight it and you’ll die). While swimming I quickly prayed for courage to conquer my fear and strength to do what I knew and swim sideways (which was counterintuitive since at the same time I was being dragged out to sea). For a moment, I panicked and wondered if I would drown from exhaustion.

It took everything in me not to swim towards shore and against the pressure of the current. But I pressed on, changing my course to move sideways. Before I knew it I had made it out of the rip and I was free. I was exhausted and let the waves take me back in, my heart racing at what I experienced. The relaxing ride back was so peaceful, and I felt thankful and lucky that I knew the way out, and somehow kept myself focused enough to try. Despite the rip, I kept going back to the ocean. That experience taught me that I could make it (though I always hoped I would never have to feel anything that powerful and scary again). Life is like that.

Managing stress requires a system, and a determination to apply it. I learned this, unfortunately, through trial and error. I used to over burden myself constantly, both physically and emotionally. I was like the children in the cartoon/sitcom scenario of a broken vase glued together and filled, that is leaking despite the beautiful flower on display. The children keep trying to plug up and hide the growing number of holes, until the vase finally bursts. I was living to hide and plug holes, rather than admire the vase and its contents.

One day I decided to change my life, and devised a better system to move beyond just getting by to a peace I cannot describe, despite what I cannot control. For example, despite having months to prepare for a deadline, I used to spend time constantly thinking about how could I possibly meet it, and worrying about the 20 parts that needed to be completed (a waste of mental energy that could have been devoted to finishing one of the twenty steps). Now, when confronted by a project (after planning the big picture), I stop thinking about the rest of it. Instead, as I get ready every morning for the day ahead, I choose what I will complete on the project for that day, and think on that alone. Life is so much more peaceful.

Here is how to practice managing stress in five steps for a happier, healthier, better you:

1. EXPECT IT: Managing stress properly means being prepared. Take good care of yourself- you never know what the day will bring. Life is an adventure- approach it as such. Remember the classic example of a guy showing out for girls, saying punch my stomach and see how hard it is? The first blow he doesn’t even flinch (and all are impressed). But then, when distracted, someone else hits him, and he doubles over in pain. What made the difference? The first time he was ready, the second, taken off guard.

Expect stress and be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise regularly. Watch your caffeine intake. Take vitamins. Don’t avoid the doctor when you need one. Be a good friend to others, and establish a circle of support so you have others to help you through life’s pain, friends to help you figure out how to swim out of the strong currents of life. Cheer yourself on- are you thinking positive thoughts or berating yourself (would you talk like you do to yourself to someone you love)? Spend time with God everyday, be confident in what you believe, and draw strength from it.

Now, with this step, I expect the unexpected. I fully realize that great and amazing things take place every day, as well as the tragic. It is impossible to be completely ready for a blow, but I can be sure that I have a circle of support in place for life’s ups and downs, that I am not carrying more on my plate than necessary, and that I have a good understanding of the difference.

2. EMBRACE IT: You need a new attitude towards life, a determined stance to ride the waves of life and succeed through the storms. I decided long ago I would not live a life of regret. Now, as I get ready for the day, I say a prayer for strength to face with confidence what comes my way, and the courage to get help and support when overwhelmed. I embrace the challenge and the unexpected. Like the ocean rip currents, I realize that the more I resist and try to avoid stress, the more exhausted and sucked in I will be. Rather, I go with the flow, and jump in. Jump in with both feet today. Choose to swim.

The alternative is a self-destructive quest to numb out, attempting to escape the pain. Ever been numbed by the dentist? When you leave, your face may not feel the pain, but it also cannot feel the pleasure of a tender caress or a soft kiss. For most medications, the effectiveness of a given dose is temporary, and over time, wears off. More is required to cause any change. Whether you are seeking comfort in drugs, alcohol, food, isolation, excessive television, twenty coffees a day, or whatever your vice, like medicine you will need more and more to cover the pain, and it will never be enough to push against the current of life and survive exhaustion: as a faulty lifesaver, it will drown you. Instead, embrace life, taking the good with the bad. Know that God is in charge of the big picture, and like the rip currents, there is always a way out. It is all in your attitude: are you going to live life to its fullest- despite the pain? This is the only way to know true pleasure and happiness.

3. EVALUATE IT: What pressures occupy your thoughts, consume your energy, or cause you grief? Be honest and real with yourself. Remember to consider tendencies such as jealously, feelings of inferiority, or frustration over failures as possible causes for some of your grief (all easily changed through setting goals and having a successful positive attitude about yourself!). Are you exaggerating the importance of a stressor: will it really matter one year from now, or five years from now?

The serenity prayer is a tool used by many people recovering from addictions, but has truths that are treasures for everyone to grasp when managing stress: God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. What people, events, or circumstances are within your control, and what is it you cannot change?

I used to be a people-pleaser perfectionist, and I would add more to my plate everyday. Not only would I take on too much physically (over-commit myself, accept extra work out of guilt), but I would also take on emotional loads. If someone criticized me, it would add to my stress level and I would dwell on what I did wrong wasting precious mental energy.

Now, I can accept criticism. Even though I cannot control it, I control my response to it. I consider it, own what is accurate (even if given in a rude way), and make a quick decision to change it for the future. I also dismiss the outrageous or irrelevant criticism as their problem, not mine. I then let it go. Like water drops on a rainproof coat, I brush it right off. This used to be unheard of, but I now realize every moment of life needs to be valued, and every moment I waste thinking about needless worries robs me and loved ones of the real me. The Bible says it best: And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to your life? So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6: 27,34 (NASV). Any doctor will tell you these are words to live by (and live better by).

This third step to managing stress is to evaluate where your stressor fits: is it in your control? An easy way out of responsibility is to tell yourself there is nothing you can do about it. Even if the stressor is out of your control, there is usually something about it that you can control. A general guideline to sorting it out: if it is your behavior, your actions in response to a stress, then yes you are in control of it; if it is others’ actions, others’ thoughts or desires, these you cannot control (even though we often think or hope we can).

4. ENGAGE IT: Now it’s time to take action. The 4th step to managing stress is to engage it. If you can change it, do it now. Procrastination is one of your worst enemies, stealing precious moments of your life. Think of something right now that you are avoiding, that is causing you stress and worry, and that gone would be a load off your mind - because it really is!

Here is how you engage stress: first, control it if possible. If you identify a stressor as within your control, then determine how strong it is and what needs to be changed. Your choices are to change your exposure to the stress or stressor in terms of duration, frequency, or to minimize intensity of the exposure (refuse to discuss something with someone, refuse to respond to negativity, etc.). You can also avoid it altogether, if necessary.

Next, whether you can control the stressor or not, the resulting tension, frustration, emotion, and pressure need to be compartmentalized. After I made a commitment not to be fake anymore, and pretend that I felt fine, I wondered how to go about the day without feeling overwhelmed. I then discovered I could find pleasure in a beautiful flower, feel good about finishing a minor task for school or work, and even laugh at the smile of my child, all without denying the grief I still felt over a loss or tragedy.

Imagine a train with several compartments. They are all different sizes, and you access each at different times. When you have a lot to think about at one time, the stress of a difficult relationship, or a sudden tragedy, life goes on and you still need to function. So you get up, take a shower, go to work, get your paperwork done, and when you feel the stress growing, you nurture yourself with the comfort that the grief deep down inside will be dealt with soon. Sometimes, such as with a great loss, your grief compartment will be so large that it takes up most of your train, temporarily. Over time, however, as you process through it, the other compartments will grow larger again. Give space to each stress based on priorities, but do give each a place.

5. EMERGE FROM IT: This final step is extremely important. Process the pressure and pain to get through it, and emerge successful and free. This requires effort, whether it is to brush off the stress of the day, or to push through the weight of a significant loss. Contrary to the old cliche, time does not heal all wounds. If you are dealing with tragedy or trauma, the event is gone, but it takes time and effort to grieve from the change. The grieving process is different for everybody, but most significant life changes require at least two years of working through it to adjust (and sometimes more).

Without shaking off your stress and cleaning out your emotional compartments, you will be left wading in a sea of deep water, stuck in the strong current. Remember, there is a way out, so find it today. Like a write-once CD etched with the record of your experiences, you can never erase the experiences of life. The dings and scrapes that knock us down, however, like scratches on a CD, can be smoothed out so that despite wear, the music plays beautifully.

The fallout from life’s currents is pressure, and to emerge you need to let off steam. Shake off the stress like the rain shakes off a water-proof umbrella. Wipe it away in a healthy way, with balance and moderation: journal your thoughts and frustrations, talk it out with friends, exercise, spend time in prayer, cry it out, laugh it out, just get it out.

Every compartment of your life needs attention. Compartments of rotting baggage that are never cleaned out eventually smell up the whole train. Balance your compartments of work with play time: start a hobby or fun project, plan an adventurous family outing, get a babysitter and take your spouse out on a surprise date. Decide today that you will succeed, you will live a life you are proud of, and you will make it through whatever life brings. Surround yourself with encouragement and positive thoughts. In your quiet time, pray, set goals, and move forward. Get the big picture.

That is it: expect, embrace, evaluate, engage, and emerge victorious. As you face the strong currents of life, with these five steps and a defiant attitude, you will press on and achieve your goals, regardless of your circumstances. You decide that life is worth living, that God has a purpose for you, and that you will succeed if you manage life in a healthy manner. Are you ready for a better you?

Patricia

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