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How to Start Over: Rebuild or Just Remodel

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

You need a change.  Something is not right, and you feel unsettled.  This is not how life is supposed to be.  You need to start over.  But what exactly does this mean?  Some will advise you to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start.  Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success.  Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder your success. Your life is like a building.  Sometimes you need to tear down the entire structure and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary.  It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut yourself off from everyone and everything you believe in and care about just because your life is not going in the right direction.  Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation you need to fulfill your life purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.  Here are three things to help you start over: help to identify which of the four key parts of life you need to change, help to remove common hinderances to starting over, and encouragements to just do it, whatever this means for you.  Create a better you today!

1.  Identify exactly how you should start over, and how you should not. 

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider.  The following will help you determine what extent you may wish to start over in different aspects of your life, with some cautions along the way.

Mentally

You may need to start over mentally.  This can range from changing how you approach only one aspect of life, to changing your entire mental approach to life.  If your thoughts are defeating you, change what you think, but do so carefully.  Do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash your brain.  Let me explain.  In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat. 

For example, when you choose to watch television, commercials innundate you with subliminal messages that will often influence your choice at the supermarket, whether you know it or not.  You take that risk, however, because the reward of your show is worth a little product branding to you.  Likewise, when you hear comments you did not solicit, you can automatically allow them to alter how you think about yourself, or you can make a conscious choice to evaluate whether they are coming from a credible source and to dismiss those unworthy of consideration. 

Everyone has a message, and when you accept and internalize information, you are re-structuring a part of how you think.  The difference is in whether you make a conscious choice to screen out what you accept as authority and allow to wash you brain, or whether you allow everyone’s opinions to throw you into confusion.  As a child, you should be surrounded by positive mental reinforcement as you learn the confidence to distinguish between the constructive encouragment of loved ones and the destructive malicious attacks of others.  Unfortunately, children are often exposed to hurtful ourpourings of anger, internalizing these attacks into their sense of self-worth. 

As an adult, if you do not re-write these negative beliefs, or if you accept all other opinions as correct, you will find your life needs a change.  Deep inside, you are not happy.  You need to know your life has purpose, you have great talent waiting to be developed, and you are valuable to the world and to God.  You need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in your life.  You need to start over.  You may just need to re-write your thoughts about your career, and start to dream big dreams.  You may only need to change how you view your relationships, and how you handle lonliness.  You may need to cut off a destructive relationship, or you may be able to stay close, especially with family, while gaining the confidence to ignore destructive comments.  You may also need to change how you see yourself, your worth, and your strengths as a person.  You may find, however, that you need to start from scratch, that your mind is filled with negative thoughts.  You need to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph.  There is a time for everything, and this is your time.  Start now.

Geographically

You may need to start over geographically.  If it is for career reasons, the change may be forced upon you, or it may be an exciting achievement and a goal you finally reached.  For others, you may need to move to make a fresh start as part of a new you.  Ask yourself these questions.  Are you moving because it is the best for your life right now, or are you moving because it is the easiest way to start over?  A physical move is never easy.  Psychology experts generally suggest you requre about two years to adjust to major changes such as moving to a new state. 

While it can be difficult to move, sometimes people think a geographical change is the best solution to get away from problems.  If this is the only way to be safe, the only way to keep yourself or your loved ones from harm, then it is the best for your life.  If, however, you think you have to leave because the pain is just too strong, be sure there are not more effective ways to get through your pain.  Remember, when you face your pain, you can conquer it as you heal, but when you run from your pain, you will usually find it follows you, as it grows in the chase.

I once had the chance to move out of state.  At first, I did not go, because I knew it was not the right time.  It would have been the easiest way to escape my challenges, but I knew I needed to face what was hurting and to leave not because I was trying to escape the pain, but because God opened the doors to a new part of my life.  I faced my fears, and stayed where I was, until the time was right.  When I did finally move, it was because my career and my life were headed in that direction.  Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it can be exactly what your life needs.  If you think this is you, pray about it, talk about it, and then when you are sure, embrace it.  Seize the opportunity and make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

You may need to start over emotionally.  Do you fill up with rage and need help controlling your responses?  Are you depressed, in despair, and isolating yourself?  Do you find yourself managing stress in mostly healthy ways, but one particular aspect of life seems overwhelming?  Are you burdened by grief over something and you cannot find joy in what remains?  I have included links to some other posts to help in these areas, but the first step is to identify that you need to start over. 

Do you need a drastic change in how you respond, setting yourself free from addictive or other destructive patterns?  Do you just need some minor adjustments in how your life flows, to make a conscious decision to fight for the peace you once had in one particular area of life?  This emotional area often feeds into your mental area, and vice versa.  Are your emotions swinging because of your mental messages?  Are you frozen by fear and inhibited by uncertainty?  You can start over, in the big and little ways your emotions impact every day.  Start today, to get healthy for a new you.

Spiritually

You may need to start over spiritually.  Parents generally want their children to follow their religious affiliations.  As a Christian, I also want my children to learn the Bible and to love God.  Some pastors say between 60 and 90% of graduates stop attending church, while a recent UT Austin study suggests what changes is participation, where 62% of Protestants attend church less often after graduating.  The point is that many times college is where students first consider what they really believe in life, apart from their parents. 

When you think about starting over spiritually, listen to your heart, where your spiritual life begins.  I believe God calls to you, so search out when you have questions.  My caution, an important one, is to consider why you are making a change.  If, for example, you are a Christian dismissing your religion because of the poor example from your parents or after seeing hypocrates, you need to realize they are imperfect people representing a perfect God.  No religion has perfect people.  Not one.  If, however, you are living in a belief system and feeling deep within that God is teaching you to seek out the truth elsewhere, seek wise counsel, listen, and learn.  Do not neglect your spiritual life, and have the courage to start over when you feel led.

2.  Remove the hinderances to starting over.

Now that you know what areas need a new you, how do you motivate yourself to make practical changes?  To start over and remove the hinderances to your success, you need to do three things:

change your sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair.  Many people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people and sit in the “poor me” spot.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes it hits you hard, and you should never have to deal with the pain or troubles you face.  But they are there.  Face them anyway, and triumph despite your challenges.  Change your expectation of fairness, and realize comparing to others only hinders you.  Push through your sense of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

challenge your sense of effort

You may not want to do what it will take, you may not think you should have to, but if it is really worth it, do it anyway.  Put forth the effort, and re-define what this means.  Effort is not the amount of energy that you think something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what.  If your diet, exercise, or stop-smoking plan is harder than you think, instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, if it is truly a worthwhile goal, then decide it is worth this effort, the effort that challenges you beyond what you imagined possible, and keep going or start over again: do it anyway.  You can do it!

I just applied this to my own life in writing my dissertation.  I did it.  I finished and passed my dissertation defense!  For those who are not familiar with the Ph.D. requirements, after coursework is finished and your dissertation proposal is successfully completed, you advance to candidacy and write “the book”, your original research of 200-300 pages.  Then comes the final defense examination where you pass or fail.  After you pass, you turn in the final version, and graduate.  Yeah!  I am so excited, and I thank God for all the ways I found strength I never thought I had to make it.  You see, I had to revise my sense of effort.

I expended more than twice as much energy and time than I had planned to complete my dissertation.  I always found the failure statistics amazing for PhD candidates– over 50% never finish their dissertation!  On this side, I can see how hard it really is.  When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, three young children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other candidate. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take, prevent me from expending the effort it did take.  I pushed on, doing whatever necessary to complete it.  Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates your success!

choose your sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who you allow to influence you.  Ignore those who say you can’t, and believe you can.  Start over today! 

3. Just do it! 

For practical ways to take action now, visit some of our other articles such as four steps to make it happen,  start a new habit or break a bad one, managing stress, and dream your dreams to achieve greatness, or browse our archives for other inspirations. 

You can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it.  Think big, dream wide, and act small.  Keep your eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time.  No more excuses.  If you know what is required for a better you, start over today.  Start from where you are, or start from scratch, but wherever you need a change, start over as if you can create who you want to become, because you can.  You can do it!

Do you have any suggestions to help people start over?  Share with us what works for you.  Towards a better you, 

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 9 Comments »

How To Use A Sick Day To Change Your Life

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

Sick days are a part of life. You can allow yourself to be overwhelmed with frustration, berate yourself for everything you will not get done, and tense up every muscle as the minutes pass by. You can also use the day to refresh yourself, to relax your tired body, and to change your life. Your response to illness determines whether you will end the day drained and stressed, or invigorated and content. Here are ten ways to make a sick day successful and productive. How will your next sick day change your life?

1. Create a positive attitude. Did you know that positive emotional states and healthy stress management can boost your immunity? A study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison (Davidson 2004) suggests people who respond with positive emotions have specific brain activity generated by these feelings that increase immunity. Following up from others studies that show attitude can impact your health, this particular study wanted to know why. They measured antibodies created after receiving a flu vaccine and found an increase in the immune response for those who had a positive affective style. Respond to life positively and you will be healthier. How do you manage the stress of frustration or the unexpected? Be sure you have the skills to compartmentalize your feelings and put it all into perspective. When you are sick, you need to help your body fight. Be sure you win the battle in the mind.

You will be healthier if your mind thinks constructive and uplifting thoughts. When you are sick in bed is not the time to consider all the things you cannot do. Instead, make a deal with yourself to think only about what you CAN do.

As indispensable as you are to your obligations, give yourself permission to be human. This does not mean that you drop everything at the first sign of a sniffle, but do not be on the other extreme, conducting office work while being triaged at a hospital. Life is a careful balancing act. Live it with a passion that begins with a healthier attitude.

2. Give yourself a break. Your body needs rest when you are sick. Nurture it and get refreshed. Treat yourself to the softest tissue you can find for your sore nose. Get the most comfortable pillows and blankets, and find your favorite spot to curl up and rest. Allow others to care for you, and be thankful if you have loved ones around to help. Unplug yourself from the world. When you are really achy and needing rest, turn off your phones and other wireless devices. If you have to keep one on for emergencies, ignore it unless it is a true emergency (hint:  caller id).

3. Rearrange your priorities. Consider the list of worries or tasks swirling around in your head, and then do this mental exercise. If you were to die this very moment, what would still matter? Whatever is now unimportant can be put off until tomorrow. Stop thinking about it now. For those tasks that are still crucial for the day, delegate them immediately. Get the calls done early and then make a choice to forget about them. If you are concerned about the result, put people you trust in charge of overseeing everything you have delegated so that they can do the worrying. Now relax.

4. Fight it. Be determined to beat it as soon as possible. If you are unable to physically get up, you can still accomplish great things with your mind. Decide to make the day one of accomplishment. When you are hungry, instead of eating in bed, go sit where you usually eat. A change of room can also help bring a more positive perspective. After you start to feel a little rested, take a refreshing shower.

5. Use the time your body is resting to take a personal inventory. Are you happy with your life? Is anything bothering you? Are there any areas for personal growth and development? Are you effectively managing your stress and your time, or could you use some better coping skills for greater success? Is your life course on track? Choose three things, and decide to gather your courage and create a better you by facing them. Did you know that many consider burnout to be a gap between your expectations and your reward (Farber 1983)? What do you expect that is not fulfilled? As you begin feeling better, do something to take the first step. It may be saying some kind words to someone. It could be starting a journal to help you cope with life. You may want to read a good book, or browse the internet for research and practical tips. You may get the courage to start a business, apply for a new position, or go back to school.

6. Evaluate your spiritual life. Are you at peace with yourself in the alone times, or does the quiet cause unsettling feelings to surface? Are you confident in your beliefs about God and your relationship with Him, or is uncertainty creating discomfort? Pray, read the Bible, or just listen. Spend some of your relaxing day being comforted in your soul by the author of comfort. If you dismiss the existence of God in your life philosophy, use this time to consider if you are taking the imperfections of others and attributing them to God. He is not the author of your pain, but He is the one who can help you out of it. I respect you have the right to disagree with me that God exists, but be sure that you are confident in your conclusions.

7. Stay on track. Do not use your illness as an excuse to be derailed from your path in life. If you have been eating healthy, then keep doing it. Just because you can only eat crackers for a while does not mean you need to make up for all the lost meals once you feel like eating again. Once you are better, keep up with the commitments you made before. If you avoid refined sugars (as I do), then politely explain to the well-meaning friends who say you need Jello or Gatorade that you are doing just fine anyway. There is sugar-free Jello if you just have to have it, with all the chemicals that entails. If you abstain from alcohol, then do not take Nyquil (which has 10% alcohol). There are plenty of cold medicines available if natural remedies are not your preference.

I follow an eating plan which has helped me stay in recovery from my eating disorder for over 14 years now. It includes eating balanced foods about every 4-5 hours, and while there is flexibility and variety, I have a minimum and maximum I must eat for each setting. This frees me and helps me consciously avoid putting my emotions into food. When I am sick and unable to eat, that does not mean I am off my plan. I refuse to be derailed. Here is one trick I use that can help you know if you are attempting to veer off course. If I am only able to eat crackers at first, then so be it. But I find that when I start to feel better, I might think to myself “well, I am still sick, so I could go ahead and eat a whole package of crackers just because it would be comforting/relaxing/fun, and worry about balancing it later.” This is a red flag for me, and I immediately know that if I have to rationalize it, and use an emotive word (”comforting, …”), then I am well enough to eat better. I may not be ready to eat a salad, but I can surely add some other food groups to my meal. Besides, when sick, protein is great for helping the body regain energy.

What is it you rationalize after you have been sick? Are you thinking of quitting your exercise regime simply because you had to miss a day? Were you motivated while accomplishing some personal goal and are you now tempted to throw it aside? Fight to stay on track and keep going on your journey. You are worth it!

8. Start a new habit or break a bad one. Why wait for New Year’s resolutions? Use your sick day to start fresh. Have you considered the effects of your requisite coffee? Aside from the monetary cost of a delicious Starbuck’s fix, there is a physical cost. You have probably already experienced the caffeine withdrawal symptoms (low energy, headache, etc.) during your illness. Why go back? Move forward. Have you wanted to give up cigarettes, and find that your body rejected them while sick? Do not pick them up again for emotional reasons, but take advantage of your sick day and start a quitting plan. Have you wanted to start exercising or eating better? Use the time to create a plan for when you feel better. You may find that feeling so lousy creates some excitement for the prospect of feeling so good. Motivate yourself and choose at least one habit to break or begin. Then do it.

9. Dream. What would you do if you could change your life? Use your sick day, a day away from your typical routine, to consider your life course. Set goals and aim high. Think big. It is okay, no one will laugh. And no one will even know if you stay quiet. Consider telling someone your dreams, goals, and aspirations. You may find encouragements in surprising places. Then take action. Are you stuck with an extended illness? Consider how you can use the time to help others. The biggest cancer fundraisers began with one person considering what to do to influence the world. What about you?

10. Grow, create, and expand. Before your day is over, enrich your life. Learn something new. Watch a documentary or “how to” show on television. Read a book about a subject you do not know. Browse the internet to learn what you do not typically seek out. Evaluate your life purpose, your measure of success, and consider your sphere of influence. Create a post for your blog if you have one, or express yourself through whatever medium your talent allows. You can be very productive while your body rests. You can even change your life. Do it today.

Posted in attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management | 23 Comments »

Share Your Thoughts: Comments Are Now On!

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Share Your Thoughts: Comments Are Now On!

I am pleased to announce that comments are now on. I originally kept them off due to spam concerns, but for now, I think the community that comments bring is worth the risk. I have received so many insightful responses and questions through emails and trackbacks since the inception of this blog, and I would love for all readers to see some of the dialog that goes on about each post. So, comments are now on. Please share your insights on any post that moved you, expand on my thoughts, or just contribute your feedback. I look forward to hearing even more from you all.

Thank you again for your commentary, and I hope you leave here a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 1 Comment »

30 Things That Take 30 Seconds Each: Which Will You Do To Change The World?

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

Attitude is foundational to success. A generous person with a positive attitude will thrive. If you change your attitude, you change your perception, change your actions, and change your life. As every life changes, you change the world. Over at Lorelle On Wordpress she challenges bloggers to create a list of 30 things that can each be done in only 30 seconds. Imagine if millions or billions of people each did one of these- how would the world be different? In keeping with the theme of personal development, I have put together ways to improve yourself or others and create a better you in 30 seconds or less. Imagine if everyone did just a few of these at once? Here is my list.

1. Change your tone of voice. For 30 seconds, speak softer, calmer, or just more pleasantly. You might be surprised at the results. Did you know, for example, that a softer voice giving clear instructions commands more authority with children than a yell? If frustrated in a business dealing, try a more peaceful tone, even if only for 30 seconds, and see if it leads to a quicker resolution.

2. Choose one idea you gave up and re-visit it. For 30 seconds, consider giving it one more try. Was there an invention, a project, or some task that just seemed too daunting or frustrating? Choose one and decide to try it one more time. Imagine if everyone mustered up the courage to use their God-given ingenuity in whatever their giftings. What new things would the world see created?

3. For 30 seconds, give someone another chance. Listen for just one more time, re-evaluate a first impression, or give one more opportunity to see if they have changed. You may be surprised.

4. Tell your children “I love you” or “I am proud of you”. Make it meaningful, look them in the eye, and show how you value them. It will mean the world. Imagine if every parent said affirming words to every child, for 30 seconds, everyday.

5. The next time you find yourself wanting instant gratification, impatiently wanting something you cannot have at that moment, give thanks to God for what you already do have for 30 seconds. It may change your attitude.

6. For 30 seconds, stand up straighter and with your head held high. Look others in the eye and walk with confidence. See how great it feels?

7. Choose one thing you were putting off for another time that could be done today, and decide to do it! It only takes 30 seconds to make a decision to act. Be sure you value keeping your promise to yourself, and then know that this will lead to action.

8. Clean up someone else’s mess.

9. Compliment someone with a genuine comment on what you appreciate or respect about them.

10. Stand up for someone or something you believe in. A quick sentence of support can do wonders and expand your influence.

11. Find a way to authentically encourage someone in their efforts with a “you can do it!” comment. Believe in them and show it.

12. Invite someone over (or a group of someones) that you would like to get to know: set a specific time and day for a dinner together. The world could use more socializing. What about you? Take the initiative and make the invitation to a new friendship.

13. Give your spouse a physical sign of affection for 30 seconds in public. Brush your hand softly on her cheek, run your fingers through his hair, give a soft hug, a gentle squeeze of the hand, or a quick kiss. It is good for children to see their parents comfortable with quick displays of affection, and great for strengthening intimacy in marriage. Imagine how closeness might grow in marriages if every couple deliberately showed affection for 30 seconds? Better yet, do it several times a day.

14. Learn 1 new word (preferably from a different language than you already know) or learn a quick and wonderful fact about another culture or country.

15. Write a check for 10% of your monthly income and place it in the mailbox. Send it to your church, a charity, or a worthy cause, but give it away.

16. Pray every morning for 30 seconds to conquer your fear and courageously face all your opportunities, keep your mind open in setting goals and keep your attitude positive. Quickly judge your plan for the day against your priorities (be sure your choices fit with your focus- remember in business and for your family, time is one of your most valuable assets). After the 30 seconds, you may be inspired to make a change.

17. Ask someone “how are you doing?” and then be ready to truly listen.

18. Put $20 in an envelope (or $50 or $100), write “from anonymous”, and secretly (and quickly, to fit in 30 seconds) leave it with someone you know could use it. Doing good deeds without public recognition feels great.. Try it and see!

19. Do something quick for the environment: refuse food in styrofoam, tear apart those plastic things that go around cans and choke birds, or help an animal in distress break free, etc.

20. Choose a great breakfast (your best energy starts with a 30 second decision). Choose to eat no sugar and foods low in starch. Eat more protein and fruit. Start your day right to be more productive.

21. If you have been indoors, get out and feel the sunshine on your face for 30 seconds- it will elevate your mood quickly (if it is 100 degrees outside then feel the sunshine from a more comfortable temperature if possible).

22. Say yes to giving a charitable donation at your local merchant when asked (give one more time than you had planned to give).

23. Register to vote. Just fill out a 30 second card! As you follow this or any registration process of your country, determine to take advantage of the opportunity to vote when it comes, if you are able to do so.

24. Plant a seed (or plant a plant or tree if you have the skills to do so this quickly). Imagine if millions did this at once.

25. Turn off the lights in a room where you are not (turn off the water when not in use, etc.). Every 30 seconds matters.

26. Place a bag by your trash and put a recyclable item inside it. Congratulations, you have now started recycling!

27. Stop any bad habit in 30 seconds. Then keep repeating at 30 second intervals.

28. Seek out laughter and laugh for 30 seconds. Repeat as needed to release tension.

29. Drink water.

30. Imagine for 30 seconds being content with everything you have. Then imagine balancing contentment with striving to continue God’s purpose in you, take an attitude of perseverance, and determine to go for it!

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, work & career | 17 Comments »

Personal Development Newsletter From A Better You Blog: Living Happy, Healthy, Successful, And Free

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

A Better You Blog is starting a Personal Development Newsletter to help readers create a better you. Topics include managing stress, success in business and life, and making the most of every moment.  It will provide information not available elsewhere, and will include tips, tricks, and advice on living happy, healthy, successful, and free. If you have benefited from the articles on this website, you will enjoy the newsletter content. It is easy to sign up! Just enter your email address at the newsletter invitation at the end of any page on this website.

I use an automated service so your email is secure, and you can easily unsubscribe at any time. The newsletter will be sent out approximately monthly, and will begin after a subscribing base is established.

I hate it when I subscribe to a newsletter and then my inbox is filled with junk, junk, and more annoying junk. A Better You Blog does not spam, will not send you repetitive or off-topic emails, and is focused on the quality of the content rather than the frequency of the message. My goal is that you find information and inspiration to leave here a better you.

Thank you for visiting! The newsletter sign up form is found below.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | No Comments »

15 Signs An Adult Is Stuck Thinking Or Acting Like A 3-Year-Old

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Maturity is not just chronological. Here are 15 signs that an adult is still stuck thinking or acting like a 3-year-old.

A 3-year-old believes:

  1. If I do not want to do something, everybody will wait until I’m ready.

  2. I will always get a do-over.

  3. If you misunderstand me it is always your fault.

  4. Fair means that everyone gets the same no matter what they do, and it is even fairer when I get more for doing less.

  5. If I break it and hide it, nobody will ever know.

  6. To play nice means doing everything my way (conflict or problems are all your fault).

  7. If I make a mess, someone else will always clean it up.

  8. If I get into trouble, somebody else did it.

  9. Whatever I want is free and I should have it now.

10. If I don’t get what I want and now, my world will end.

11. It is always my job to tell everyone when anyone does something wrong.

12. No one can or will hurt me, except the monsters under my bed.

13. Something is worth the effort until it is effort, and then I just give up.

14. If I get bored I will just take a nap.

15. Dessert is always better before the meal.

Think grown-up thoughts for maximum success and happiness in business and in life. If you ever regress into one of these 15, choose to replace your thinking with mature beliefs, and leave here a better you.

Posted in attitude, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, family, goals, humor, life philosophy, marriage, organization, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, relationships, success, wealth & income, work & career | 7 Comments »

Waiting on a Biopsy: How to Handle Uncertainty

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

Have you ever had to wait on a biopsy, or some medical test that carried potentially devastating news? I had two areas of my skin biopsied today, and now I must take my own advice and manage the stress of uncertainty. I thought it would be timely and healing for me to write about how I deal with uncertainty, especially while waiting to hear whether I have some form of cancer. As a wife and mother of three young children, my first reaction is fear. My natural instinct wants to give in to my old habit of worrying about what might be. I have learned, however, that life is better when I ride with the waves rather than swim against the current. So I choose to float along, keep my head above water, and wait out the storm. And I find I am remarkably at peace.

I have enjoyed my day: the sun on my face, the warmth of my husband’s touch, and the laughter of my children. Despite the physical pain of the biopsy and the emotional pain of uncertainty, I am in great spirits and excited to see what tomorrow brings. How is this possible? I discovered the way to be free of anxiety over what could be, and truly experience what is for now. I discovered intentional focus.

Rather than allowing my thoughts to wander, I direct them. While I used to constantly entertain visions of what if, I now only deal with what is. When you have to wait for answers to big questions, be careful not to act out the pain of uncertainty in destructive ways, or allow the fear to paralyze you. You may not be able to control the circumstance (such as why, in a major city with modern medicine, you are asked to wait up to a week for a simple lab result), but you can control your response to the situation (are you going to look back on the week and see a wasted part of your life?). I choose to experience the best of life this week.

To enjoy the best life has to offer is to be in the moment. Life has unyielding demands trying desperately to draw our attention away from each moment, and to be happy is to resist distraction from the moment. With determination I compartmentalize my stress and focus on life’s blessings. Here is how to deal with uncertainty in the waiting.

Express what you are feeling. Find a friend to talk with and share your news, your waiting story. It helps to have someone listen to you. Let them experience it with you, cry together, give you encouragement in the waiting, and pray for you to have peace over what you cannot control. Get a hug when you need it. Go out to a movie and have a good cry- a little displaced emotions can be refreshing during stressful times (if it is done in balance). Exercise and release some of the adrenaline (again, in moderation).

You may find it helps you focus and express it if you journal. While you may have an online blog or journal method, writing by hand engages both sides of your brain, the logical and the emotional. I recommend you first write by hand, to help you feel as you write. I notice this helps me as I write these articles, because I engage more with what I say, experience the emotions as I write, and feel a better me for having been there. Writing is healing. I find myself pouring extra attention to future articles for this site, and the writing is cathartic. Writing in a journal or an online blog can be healing, and writing to benefit others can be truly satisfying.

Focus on the needs of others. There is no substitute for the feeling of helping others, sharing from your own experiences, and knowing you are fulfilling God’s purpose for your life. At times of uncertainty and fear, this is a great distraction tool. Find a way to help someone. What you do can be big or small, as long as it is meaningful and thoughtful. Acts of kindness help refocus your attention off your own problems and onto the needs of others. In doing for others what you are able, you may learn new aspects of who you are, and you may stumble upon new ways to feel fulfilled.

Be productive. I used to react to fear and uncertainty in a destructive manner. Now, I turn the adrenaline and energy it brings into something productive. I notice during times of uncertainty I often get deep cleaning done. This week my closets and drawers are going to look wonderful, especially after a visit to The Container Store for organizing supplies. When stressed in the waiting, I will often find new and creative ways to have fun with my children, desire to be more spontaneous with my husband, and I will get more done on projects I am working on. When my mind wanders, I get busy. Do what you can for others and for yourself. Remember that no one knows how long life will be, and every moment counts- so do something great with the moments you have. You can always find something to worry about, trust me, I used to be an expert at worry. If you allow worry to overtake you, you will look back on your life with regret over what might have been, if you had only appreciated and focused the moments you had. Live so you will have no regrets. Live the life you want tomorrow, today.

Finally, sort it out. To ignore the “what ifs” of life, you need to focus only on what is. Only deal with what you know. I happen to be quite educated, knowing a bit of most subjects, so what little I know about a topic can do more harm than good. For me to sort it out, I need to know more. Knowledge is power, but sometimes partial facts are worse than no facts at all. Internet browsing has helped me deal in what is. I have discovered what it cannot be, and I have an understanding of what it could be. When the doctor calls, I will have a greater appreciation and gratitude for what it is not, or if the news is negative, I will understand the results and the technical terminology necessary to investigate further.

I need to emphasize that for most people, research in the waiting will make it worse. Know yourself. Weigh the concern derived from what you know about the problem against the fear investigating what it might be could bring. Without facts, there are too many possibilities that can detract from you enjoying your moments. There is also misinformation rampant on the internet, and you need to sort out what you are reading, check its source, and weigh it against medical experts. During emotional crisis, this is often too difficult, and people succumb to worry over confusion and possibilities. If it would do more harm than good for you to research, as many doctors suggest, just tell yourself that you will write down whatever medical terminology is uttered when you get the results, and leave the investigation until then.

One year ago I went through my first biopsy, and after the waiting was over, and I discovered it was not cancer, I realized I had accotwice as much as I would have otherwise. I learned I could do better, be more productive with my time everyday, not just during the uncertain times. I wonder what I will learn this week? I look forward to the lesson, as I wait for the storm to subside. Thank you for going along for the ride.

Patricia

update: My results show no cancer, and I am grateful.  I continue to pray for my many family and friends who fight courageously to defeat their cancers, and for you, if this is your fight too.

Posted in attitude, balance, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success | 7 Comments »

4 Secrets to Time Management That Define You: is Your Strategy Skyrocketing You to Success or Stopping You Cold?

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

Whatever your image of success, time management is at its core. Do not let time pass you by, but rather take charge of your time and pass it deliberately. Do not be distracted by the frivolous, nor be manipulated into what only appears worthwhile on the surface. Here are four secrets to overhauling your time management approach that will determine if you achieve greatness or live a life of regret. Be the 1% of people who accomplish greatness and reap the benefits of 99% of the world’s success. You are in control of your life and God has given you a vision of the amazing future you can create, if you only manage your time wisely. Do not let a moment be wasted by laziness, missed opportunities, or improper planning. Seize the day and make it count. Here is how to change your life, one minute at a time.

Secret #1: Be in the moment, every moment. Are you thinking in the present, one minute at a time? Successful people keep their eye on the task at hand. If a task does not merit your full attention, then it is not worth doing. Do you make those around you feel special by giving them your full attention? Your children, your spouse, even your clients can tell if you think them worthy of your efforts and focus. Show them your true priorities by giving your best. If, at any moment, you are consumed by frustrations over a past event, or dwelling on worries of a future deadline, you are not making efficient use of your time. Your life is an overloaded train poorly performing at reduced speed. How can you speed up your success? By releasing worries over what you cannot control, and facing challenges without distraction. By staying in the moment, you will lower stress, accomplish exponential growth in productivity, and enjoy a more peaceful existence as you confidently complete each task.

Secret #2: Make every moment productive. Instead of wishing for more hours in your day, create more day in your hours. Get up early, get started with strength for the day ahead, and you will see immediate results. I recall when I first put this into practice. While not a “morning person” at heart, I decided to rise early enough to have quiet devotion time every morning, and to have extra hours to accomplish my goals for the day. The first thing in the morning I prayed, strategized about my day, envisioned the big picture, and even added some exercise to get my adrenaline going. I was amazed at how it changed my entire day! I felt better, had a better attitude, was more confident, and accomplished more before lunch than at any other time. Take an extra 30 minutes to an hour in the morning to situate yourself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally for the day. Starting with quiet time will increase productivity immediately, lower stress levels, and help you be more prepared for the unexpected. Then get to work, and see how far you go!

Laziness does not yield success. What are you accomplishing right now, and why? Are you putting off today what you will only dread tomorrow? “If you ever want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, simply put it off” (Olin Miller). Successful people take care of what is important immediately. Efficient time management dictates that you conquer your fear and live courageously, completing what matters most as soon as you can, not as late as possible. Procrastination is what limits success in your future and lessens happiness in your present. Procrastination is the author of regret. There are different forms of productivity to your life: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, and they all need attention in balance.

Secret #3: Balance your life: There is a beautiful illustration of balance in time management that has been formed into many analogies, from a pickle jar to a biscuit barrel, to name a few. Stephen Covey uses one such illustration. This is a shortened variation of the popular story, which makes a crucial point: take care of first things first. For those who like to follow along while doing the exercise and live the experience, you will need a large jar, some large rocks, some pebbles, some sand, and some water. On each large rock (10-12 of them, depending on your jar size), write something important to you, a major priority in life (such as a deadline, a goal, an event, clients, loved ones).

Now imagine you are sitting by rocks and sand in front of a beautiful ocean (no surprise why I picked the beach setting). In your hand you have a large empty jar. Fill it with lots of sand until it is completely full. Sand includes all the little things you have to do. Now pour a lot of pebbles onto the sand, and try to fit as many as you can, until you can fit no more. Pebbles represent what you enjoy in life. Now try to add your large rocks. How many can you fit before they spill over? Few, if any. As you imagine this (or better yet, do this), think of ways your life resembles your jar. Are you trying to squeeze the major rocks into an already full jar, hoping it all holds together for one more day? Are there important matters and people who seem to get the leftovers of your time?

Let’s try it again. Empty the jar into a bowl (you will use the ingredients again). This time, pick up as many large rocks as you can and place them in the empty jar. Now add even a few more on the top. Notice you can fit even more than you expected, when the important parts of life go in first! Next, pick your small pebbles out of the sand and add them to the jar. Add as many pebbles as you can until the jar is full again (it is okay to shake the jar until they fit). Do you see how many more pebbles fit this time? You get more joy out of life when these “happiness” pebbles come next. Now, add your sand. Pour in as much sand as you can until the jar is full. Notice how the sand seeps in to the very bottom, surrounding all the empty spaces?

The sand represents all those chores that have to get done, and rather than taking up your whole life, can easily fit in between the rocks and pebbles. Notice how much your jar weighs. Lastly, pour in water, filling the jar until it can hold no more. Now lift the jar. Feel the difference? Water represents all the ways you allow burdens, worry, and stress to seep in and weigh you down. Your jar is your life: what is yours saying? Are you made of sand and water (with a little rocks and pebbles in the way) or are you made of rocks and pebbles (with sand filling the empty parts and the occasional water seeped in)?

Successful people are not always busy, and busy people are not always successful. How you handle balancing the rocks, pebbles, and sand of your life can propel you towards success or stop you cold. Live a balanced life. Are you letting your time be wasted? Technology can be your avenue to prosperity or it can siphon the life out of you and your prospects for the future. You decide which it is for your life every minute you spend connected to the world wide web, watching tv, reading, going to the movies. Be sure your habits fit in balance with your life strategy. Your body will run as well as you treat it. Are you running it down with bad habits now, draining it of a future? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating right? Your body is a machine and needs regular nutritious fuel (and rest) for optimum performance.

Every day should contain time for business, refreshment (play, rest, eat), strategy (reflection on the big picture, goals, priorities, self-improvement, confidence, and spiritual strength), chores (the sand), and relationships. How you handle these components of your time defines who you are.

My husband is a successful attorney (talk about a stressful job!), and he has taught me the value of laughter and fun in everyday life. After dealing with life changing experiences in clients all day, he makes a point of seeking out humor, usually by at least catching jokes on one of the late shows every night. With the variety of jokes, you are bound to find something funny, and it is a great way to relax and have fun together. Laughter is truly a great medicine.

Do you spend enough time with loved ones? My three children love it when daddy gets home. No matter what kind of day he has had, they know that by bedtime, he will come up with something fun to do. Sometimes it is a game of hide-and-seek, other times they wrestle, or play “monster”. They feel important by his time and attention, and it gives him a way to bond with his children while he unwinds from his day. Do you let your children see you have fun? I laugh with my children, my friends, and my spouse as often as possible.

Do you have intimate time with your spouse daily? I am not just talking about sex (although that is a great idea too). If you are too busy or too tired for sexual intimacy, still reinforce the emotional bond daily. My husband and I love to hold each other in bed every night and enjoy the warmth of knowing we are there for each other. We also take time to hear about our day, cultivating the friendship. Do you spend time talking with those closest to you? If not a spouse, a friend? Give yourself time for friendships that last.

Secret #4: Say no. It is not selfish to say no, but rather is a healthy form of time management that draws others in. When you overbook your schedule, you say to your commitments” you are not worth my best effort”. Saying no tells others you know your limits and abilities, and you can be trusted to do what you promise. Being trustworthy is an effective tool to keep loyal clients, and a great parenting tip for building strong relationships with your children. Be a person of integrity, and do what you say.

Keep your focus on the big rocks to determine what to throw out. Are you keeping busy hoping to make it somehow, or are you focused on a goal and guiding yourself to it with every minute you spend? Every action accomplishes some goal, the question you must ask yourself is what goal is this action taking you towards. Your schedule defines your priorities, and your priorities define you. Why you choose your big rocks is often as important as what they are and how you deal with them. Do you have a grasp on your life purpose, and are you seeking ways to contribute to the world with your talents and your giftings? Have a strong foundation anchored in to succeed through the storms of life.

Pass your time wisely. If you live in the moment, stay productive, balanced, and live according to your priorities, you will succeed in your life’s purpose.

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, play, productivity, relationships, spirituality, success, time management | 8 Comments »

Dream Your Dreams to Achieve Greatness and Inspire the World

Friday, September 15th, 2006

It is not selfish to dream, nor unproductive to envision, for all innovation begins with inviting imagination. Follow your deepest desires to dream of an amazing future that will propel you to your destination. Keep your train on track. The secret to the most successful people, in business and in life, is that they never lose focus, never stop reaching, never stop striving to overcome and accomplish their goals. You can too, right now.

It seems paradoxical but it is nevertheless true: you must dream beyond the imaginable to achieve success beyond the attainable. Are your visions of the future confined in a suffocating box of limitations? What is holding you back? How are you preventing yourself from success? Dream your dreams today.

Success requires initiative. If you act in business as your elementary teacher trained you, you will never advance. Were you taught to sit quietly when you do your work, only speak when spoken to, respond with expected answers, follow exact instructions without adding any creativity, and let others plan the lessons? To succeed in your personal and professional life, get up and move, be creative, take initiative, suggest new ideas, surprise yourself and others, design your own life, and envision the big plan.

In archery, there are four main components to success: have the tools (bow, arrow, strength), know your target, focus your aim, and shoot. Achieving your goals is like that.

1. Tools: Many inhibit their achievement by convincing themselves that they will never have the skills (tools) to accomplish their dreams. As a doctoral candidate, completing my dissertation for the Ph.D. degree, I can tell you a secret of education at this level: learn how to learn. After absorbing knowledge from others (professors, etc.), teach yourself whatever else you must know. All the courses I have taken have prepared me now to continue learning by self-educating. I have learned how to learn. You can too, even without the degree. If you lack a skill to accomplish your goal, if you do not know it yet, or cannot do it yet, you can learn it! You CAN do it!

2. Target: Know your goal: what are you aiming to achieve? Take your dream to the next level by writing it down on paper, and then adding details until it becomes not just a hope but a plan.

3. Aim well: Remember to keep focused. Just as in archery, where your eye gaze affects how well you shoot, if you take your eye off your goal, your aim will follow. In addition, compensate for gravity and aim high. While a short trajectory can aim straight on, a long-term goal (or more distant target) requires you to adjust your aim as you shoot.

4. Shoot: This is so simple, but most goals are never accomplished primarily because of a lack of action. Take action today. Have a determined stance to achieve greatness and give to the world an inspiration that was designed to come from you alone. God gave you a purpose in life, find it and create your own success.

With the tools for the job and the target in sight, you take aim and soar to your future. Dream big, clarify your goal, aim high, and act, and you will hit the target you know will fulfill your life’s purpose. Remember, even by dreaming your dreams, or preparing and gaining the tools, you are succeeding in your goal, because you are moving forward towards the target.

“You measure the size of the accomplishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to achieve your goals” -Booker T. Washington.

“Shoot for the moon.? Even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars” - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Dream your dreams today: they are the secret to your success and the mechanism by which you inspire others. As you DREAM, you get hope; as you HOPE, you aspire; as you ASPIRE, take aim; as you AIM, act; as you ACT, you SUCCEED; in success, you INSPIRE.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, business, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, goals, life philosophy, motivation, organization, people skills, personal development, productivity, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | 16 Comments »

A Better You, Personal Development Blog: Thank you!

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006

I want to extend my gratitude to all of you for the positive feedback this blog has received. I am honored you are choosing my contribution to be a part of your quest for a better you! Thank you to Live Consciously for including me in?the “10 best blogs on personal development”, to the generous reception from the blog carnivals, to individual blogs encouraging others to visit here, and for your trackbacks. This post is to give readers a feel for the direction of this blog and my goals and focus for spreading my message “you can do it!” to all who seek to live happy, healthy, successful, and free. Come relax, stay a while, and see where it leads.

My strategy is, rather than spend money on marketing and advertising, to post well-written, honest, and life-affirming content regularly, and this blog is spreading naturally from person to person. I am excited about its growth (see details in this updated post)!

While I want to share my stories and encouragements to everyone possible and reach as many visitors as I can, the quality of the articles and posts will always be more important than the frequency of posting. I will try to have a complete article post about every week, but some take longer to be complete: I will write them until they are what needs to be said. In between these longer articles, I will start posting some shorter “thoughts of inspiration”, for timeless encouragement and motivation for every reader. Check back often for these “you can do it!” posts. I also plan to add an email newsletter in the near future, so stay tuned!

I welcome feedback, suggestions, or a wish list of topics you would like to see me address, letting me know how I can better help you along your journey. Remember- you were designed for greatness! Napoleon Hill was right when he said: Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, he can achieve. For success, THINK IT, BELIEVE IT, and you will ACHIEVE IT!

Thank you for reading, browse a while, and I hope you leave here a better you.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, a higher power, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management, wealth & income, work & career | No Comments »

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