1. When you tackle a project, find a way to give your child some role in the task.

From preschool to the teenage years, children love to feel needed, and working together provides opportunity to talk and learn about how things function. My husband worked on cars with his dad since he could barely hold a hammer, and now my son does the same with his dad. Whether you are getting organized, mowing the lawn, creating a scrapbook, doing household chores, or building something on a computer, do it together. Even by simply giving your 4-year-old the socks to sort by color and fold, you are doing something great!

2. Think before you speak.

Automatically you are a better parent if you do this one. Words said in haste or impatience can leave a lasting impression on their hearts, like a footprint in cement. When you are emotional or tempted to react instead of respond, think. In most cases, waiting a few seconds or minutes to speak will only help the situation as tempers settle down on all sides.

3. Ask your children about their day, and listen with interest and support.

4. Find some genuine compliment or praise you can give them. Look for ways to reward kindness and responsibility every day.

5. Change your countenance when you make eye contact- smile!

They see you frustrated, now let them know they help add peace to the family. Knowing your day is brighter just by their presence gives them confidence and improved self-esteem.

6. Encourage talent and find one new thing to introduce to them and help to open up their world. One new skill, idea, location, career, and possibility. Do this often.

7. Next time you try to get your kids’ attention, instead of talking louder and louder, talk softer and softer.

You command more respect and attention with a stern voice than with a harsh yell. If they cannot hear you, get closer and calmly speak again.

8. Say NO, firmly but with compassion.

If you feel guilty, is it because there is no logical reason for your no (then fix this), or is it because you just feel bad for your child who is sad (and you need to go with your gut to protect them). Know you are a better parent and show your love by setting limits.

9. Say YES, and sacrifice when you had not intended to do so.

Do one more thing for your children that is extra special, even though you do not have to, and show them how important their happiness is to you. Then enjoy the reward of their excitement as you watch them smile.

10. Be consistent and transparent.

You know what consequences to expect if you are late to work, you do not pay your bills, or you commit a crime. If you are late to work you will not be thrown in jail for life. Do you ever remember feeling like your teacher or parent was administering too much punishment for the type of wrong deed? Be sure your children know what to expect, what to avoid, and can trust you to be fair and consistent in your discipline. Be sure they know you love them even if you do not love their actions, but that they still learn to take responsibility for their actions. Always be sure they are safe and not in fear of harm from your anger. Start communicating. Stick with a healthy plan, and administer it in love. As you do this, you are already a better parent. Keep it up and keep getting better.

11. Do something for yourself.

Yes, I mean you, the hard working parent who fills up the day with so much you wish you could have nap time yourself. For me, these articles help me express what is on my mind, and give me some time alone in quiet thought. What is your outlet? Take care of yourself and instantly be a better, happier, more refreshed parent.

12. Assume the best, not the worst.

Kids often feel like they are guilty until proven innocent. When they start to tell you something, before you become defensive or over-react, consider if you are only worried about your assumptions, not what they are actually saying. They will sense your distrust, and shy away from openness if it is unwarranted.

13. If trust has been broken in the past, give your child a clear roadmap to earn it back.

Children need to know you will forgive them and that it is possible to restore your confidence in them, or they may develop a “why bother” attitude. Give them a reason to get past their mistakes and turn them into strengthening lessons for a lifetime of successful living.

14. Let them see your strength in weakness- conquer your bad example.

Is there an area in your life that needs improvement? Children are perceptive, and will learn by your example if you fight to give up your bad habits. The best way to show them how to live successful and free is to live this way yourself. Everyone can strive to do better, to be better. Whether you have an addiction, you are just not taking care of your body, you procrastinate, or you need to work on your attitude during stressful times, every step you take to improve yourself will show your children that change is possible and life is full of possibilities.

15. Show up for the important times, and listen to know what these really are (do not just assume).

16. Take one more step today towards living what you believe and instantly be a better parent.

Share your faith and world view not just as something on paper, but by living it. Be who you say you are and lead by example. As a Christian, the best way I can encourage my children to embrace God and my beliefs is to show them how my relationship with God makes my everyday life better. They see how I really live, and learn more from what I do (and do not do) than what I say.

17. Eat one meal together every day as a family, away from the television and phone.

18. Children love routine, so add a new tradition.

I play checkers after school with my elementary school son. He looks forward to our time together, and I love to hear about his day as we play together. Last year I started a silly little saying when I picked up my children from preschool or school. I would get in the car, stop putting on my seatbelt, and turn to them each and say “Oh, look at that face, oh I missed you!” and reach back for a hug. This always got big smiles, and one day I forgot and started the engine and my 4-year-old said with a grin “Mommy, you forgot to look at my face!” You can add a night time routine, such as saying “I love you” or saying a prayer before going to sleep where you thank God for the thrill of your children (letting them hear your gratitude for their lives). Start a new tradition today.

19. Have a family fun time at least once a week.

Cut out something from your schedule if you have to, but find a way to play together. No criticism or work involved, just have a good time hanging together as a family.

20. Next time you wonder why your children react in a certain way, imagine the scenario through their perspective.

What would you want to see different to help lessen anxiety? Often children see adults impatient, angry, or annoyed with them. Trying to figure out why they feel as they do can help you know how to help them. Even if you cannot or will not change the circumstances, you might see how to help them better adapt to their discomfort.

21. Give your child a physical sign of affection every day.

A hug, pat on the back, or even a squeeze on the hand can show you care. Scientists show that physical affection from trusted loved ones helps reduce stress and elevate mood. Infants who are never held will die, and as you grow up you continue to receive comfort from touch.

22. When tempted to argue as adults in front of your child, stop. You just became a better parent.

It is healthy to work out minor differences in front of your kids and let them see how people solve problems, provided you are truly resolving the issues and not tearing each other down, but deeper disagreements need to be managed in private. Children of all ages internalize comments they hear, so talking about how something makes you feel can leave your child feeling responsible and taking on unnecessary stress.

23. Do not argue with your children.

You are the parent. Command respect by telling them you will gladly listen to their side, but there will be no argument.

24. Seek out humor, and laugh at the unexpected!

Are you so stressed out and tired that you almost cried just because you spilled your coke? Break the mood and laugh at how you let yourself get disproportionately frazzled. Your children will laugh too, and learn how to relieve stress. Find funny comic strips, and laugh at jokes your children tell you. Laughter is good for your body inside and out.

25. When your children approach you for attention, give it as soon as possible. 

Have a signal you can give that means just a minute, finish up your immediate task as quickly as possible, and then drop everything, look them in the eye, and give them five minutes. Whether they just want to tell you a joke, perform a puppet show, or vent about a problem with some friends, send them the message you are available and approachable, and you value your children. Let them know they are a priority.

26. Try something new and learn it together. Let your child become the teacher or help solve a problem.

27. Vary your activities and your environment. Encourage your children to go outdoors, to play indoors, and to do different things throughout the day.

28. Help your children attend to their own four core components to be happy, and lead by example yourself.

Live in balance, and help your children adjust their schedule if it is too busy or if they need to explore a new activity.

29. Read together every day, especially books about their interests.

30. Every child learns differently so discover your child’s learning style.  Encourage a love of learning, encourage dreams and goals, tell your children ”You can do it!” and believe it with them!

1. How It’s Made, The Science Channel. Do you remember watching a quick segment in some Sesame Street episodes where they show how crayons (and other things) are made? Maybe you saw this with your children, or watched it yourself as a child. Here is the grown-up version. This show is great. Have you ever wondered how they make jeans, bread, batteries, bathtubs, nylons, band aids, or bicycles? This list is just the beginning. In just a few minutes each item is made (they do many items per episode). When I see the mysteries behind each item revealed, I know more how the world works. I think of the ingenuity it took to invent, and I am inspired. I do not work with steel or plastic, but I create with words. I want to contribute too. How do you create? What are your strengths?

2. Myth Busters, The Discovery Channel. If a cable tension snaps, can it really slice a person in two? Is playdoh really a wallpaper cleaner? Is it true you cannot make a concrete glider fly? Is it possible for a whirlpool somewhere on earth to suck whole ships to a watery grave? Can you stop your windshield from shattering, from a rock shot at it by a passing vehicle, by bracing the window with your hand? Watch these guys build engines and other contraptions from scratch, testing every myth you can imagine. One episode I would like to see: #57- Is the internet phenomenon true, that mixing diet cola and Mentos will create an explosion (do not try this at home)? Also, is it true a postage stamp stuck on the rotor blades will send a helicopter into a tailspin? My husband introduced me to this show, and I am intrigued at the way they come up with their tests. It makes me a more eclectic person, and I definitely know more useful trivia (for instance, do not count on jumping in a falling elevator- you will still die).

3. Flip That House, The Learning Channel. This show inspires the entrepreneur in you. Sit back and get ready to wonder how to branch out your own business, or how to start one (where you set your own hours). You may want to run out and buy property, but you learn that to flip, you had better know your stuff. Buyers purchase property in need of repair, and within a few weeks to a few months, restore or “flip” it for sale and hopefully a profit. The risk is in the money: will the home buyers succeed despite the changing market and unexpected expenses? There are similar series on other channels, but I like how this one sums up the results: what did the house sell for, and what was the profit? It can be a thrill ride to watch. There are other home improvement shows on TV, from decorating, to gardening, to fixing most things yourself.

4. Iron Chef America, Food Network. I like competition. I especially like it when I get to watch others sweat. I do enough risks in my own life. It is encouraging to watch others work hard using their God-given talents, and to be amazed by their skills. It relaxes me, and teaches me. This show (taken from the original Japanese version Iron Chef) places a top chef “Iron Chef” against a challenger. They are given one hour in Kitchen Stadium to cook several dishes to impress judges. The catch? They have to be around one theme. One time it was Cranberries. Once I saw “Battle Citrus”. The dishes are breathtaking. I can cook, but they create. Cooking is not one of my strengths, and it is hard to find foods we all like.  After watching this show, I now try to brighten up foods I cook with color, and vary the texture. Other shows on the Food Network are great too, like Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, but I like the competition ones the best. There are pastry and other cooking competitions at different times. This channel is gathering a younger audience now with its variety- some say it is the new MTV.

5. Digging For The Truth, The History Channel. For the Indiana Jones enthusiast (or Tomb Raider, or pick your adventure movie), this is an amazing find. Watch the host trek through the Amazon, dig in a dessert, or search through ruins for secrets to the past. It is a history lesson in a creative and engaging form.

6. Dirty Jobs, The Discovery Channel. Do not watch this show while you eat. I am not sure exactly why I like this show, but I do. When I first saw it, I was repulsed. Then intrigued. They show the host joining in on the most dirty yet vital jobs available. It helps you appreciate not working in the freezing cold, not covered in sludge, not stuck near bugs all day. It also helps you appreciate those who do. You will leave with a new perspective on the job you call your own.

7. Unwrapped, The Food Network. This is similar to #1, but it is all about food. Come see the process behind peanut butter, chocolate syrup, boxed lunches, or bubble gum. Watch favorite foods unwrapped and secrets revealed. I am intrigued by how fast the automated machines work, watching them in motion. It also makes me sad to think of those out of work due to changing automation. The world changes, however, and we must adapt. The secret is to always strive, to keep learning, and improving yourself. I now know how the marshmallows in your cereal get there!

8. Dora The Explorer, Blue’s Clues (Nick), and The Upside Down Show (Noggin). TV is not a babysitter, for you or for your children. Many, if not most, of children’s shows teach very little except the bad habit of sitting still. For an occasional entertainment show, however, these are great. Dora teaches Spanish and exploring, Blue’s Clues teaches some sign language and solving puzzles, and the new Upside Down Show teaches prepositions (above, below, under, over, etc.). As an educator, I like one thing these all have in common: they encourage the viewer to get involved. Dora and Blue have you answer questions and help solve riddles, and the Upside Down Show has you use the remote to change the screen. It is clever, and gets my children moving, laughing, and learning.

9. The West Wing and Gilmore Girls. I admit an indulgence. While nursing my infants over the years, I have had to keep the room dark (no reading), and I needed to stay awake. I discovered reruns of The West Wing. I know someone who once worked in the West Wing, and indicated this is a realistic portrayal. The reviewers agree. It is interesting to see the inner workings of my country’s government dramatized in this manner. I also discovered reruns of Gilmore Girls, about mothers and daughters, small town living, and life. Sometimes the dialogue could be better, and the later episodes are not as well-written as the early ones in my opinion, but I admit this show is a great form of temporary entertainment. There are many legal, medical, and reality TV shows on too. I flip past some. No new series has caught my interest as of yet. Mostly I avoid TV for recreation. Occasionally, I get invested in the character development and am interested in where it leads. Feeling the emotions of living, loving, and learning through shows is a great release of your own emotions and can be cathartic, when done in moderation.

10. Jaywalking and Headlines from the Jay Leno Show (and any other comedy that sparks my interest). I leave you with humor as number 10. It is healthy to laugh. Find your fun. I do not have time nor inclination to watch a talk show, but I do try to catch Jaywalking when it airs. This is where the host interviews people on the street with questions everyone should know, but many will miss. The answers are humorous, which is odd coming from me, a professor, since they reflect failures in our education system (someone from the United States does not know our first President?). Headlines are done once a week and are funny mistakes from newspapers, programs, or other print media sent in by viewers. These jokes are all done near the start of his show, so they are easy to find. Laughter helps you relax and unwind from the day.

The Food Network also has a show Ham On The Street, and while I have only caught a few minutes, it was hilarious. I cannot vouch for the show (maybe someone here has seen it more), but I saw a part where he fried a brownie and tried to get someone off the street to eat it, and left a chocolate cake for anyone to take. He also tried stuffing hotdogs with almost any kind of food (chocolate, pickles, candy maybe?) using hardware supplies, and got people on the street to do a taste test. Funny stuff. Also, for those who like other comedy shows, but do not want the language in their home, there are devices that you can purchase ($50-$100) that will edit out the swearing of most shows with captions.

Learn, imagine, get intrigued, unwind, and laugh. What is worth it in your TV? What shows make a better you?

Patricia

What are you seeking from your family? People often seek approval, acceptance, and affirmation. You may want attention, assistance, or just desire some appreciation. Each family member comes with different expectations. You need to honestly examine your own assumptions, and realize you cannot control the behavior of others. Do not expect others to behave as you desire, nor create an image of the perfect time that you expect to fulfill. Your disappointments will show in your harsh words or actions. You will be the stress that you seek to avoid.

Family dynamics are complicated. A critical word that you would normally disregard can hurt deeply if spoken from a loved one. While you usually know your family the best, you often treat each other the worst. Tension, trauma, and unresolved bitterness can surround a family gathering. What about the children who feel they are never good enough, or the parents who feels their children are ungrateful and disrespectful? What about death, betrayal, or disappointment? What about the alcoholic mother who hurt her family for years, but now wants a second chance through forgiveness and grace? How do you relieve the tension, without acting fake, around a relative who has caused pain through emotional or physical abuse? What about the family member who sexually abused another, but denies it ever happened, and causes all to take sides? It could be any issue, but pain often results in people taking sides. With this reality, how can you still get along?

I know the sadness of watching your loved ones torn apart over discord. I understand the fear and grief of pain inflicted on you by another. I know the sense of injustice when wrongs are not set right. I also know that family is still family. I control what is up to me, and no longer try to control what is up to others. I refuse to allow the pain of the past to rob me of my joy today. I find pleasure despite life’s pain. I have fought my way to a peaceful family time for my children and for myself, where I can be real, yet guarded. I am careful to think about the positive memories, and bring an upbeat attitude to our visits. I put my children first. I take away from the experience life lessons. I learn how much I have changed, and where I still need to heal. I discover new sides to loved ones, and show new sides to me too.

Whether your family times are generally peaceful, or full of stress, here are ten actions you can take to get along better.

1. Be flexible and positive.

Plan ahead, but be prepared to throw out parts of your plan. You will get along best if you are not stressed when the schedule changes. Keep a positive attitude. Going somewhere different for dinner? Fine, ask for a long scenic drive there and see new sights. Is someone starting a new tradition? Take part and add your touch to it.

2. Be protective.

Guard your children, yourself, and your heart. Hopefully your family is a warm and safe place, with just everyday tension mixed in from clashing personalities. Some families, however, have serious issues that need to be watched. Safety is important. Decide ahead of time what to do if a certain situation arises. Nobody is perfect, and some things are worth putting up with for the sake of families. Some are not. Pray for wisdom and be ready to take action if the situation warrants it. Stay out of danger.

3. Be confident.

Do you know who you are, and are you secure in your identity? Show it. If you act insecure, you will attract people waiting to tell you how to feel. If you act unsure, others will be quick to help decide for you. Family often sense your subtle emotions, so if you are concerned about others trying to ‘fix’ you, then do some personal development ahead of time. Walk into the room knowing you are the best you possible right now, and that you will continue to be better. Be confident that you have value to contribute to others, and show your certainty.

4. Be authentic.

Be true to yourself. Be real. This does not mean you have to show every emotion. You feel the emotion, decide how to respond (rather than react), and allow yourself to process the feelings later. You can compartmentalize it for now, but be sure you deal with it later.

5. Be respectful.

There is a time for everything. Your parents and loved ones are not perfect. Neither are you. A great attitude begins with a desire to benefit others, and not to get even. Proverbs 15:1 says ”A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Show respect to your elders for the good part of their roles they have played in your life.  Practice good communication skills.  Consider the feelings of others, and try to imagine how you would feel from their perspective.

6. Be forgiving.

Forgive yourself, and forgive others. Bitterness and anger will only hurt yourself. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. To forgive does not mean to forget. Let slip from memory the little offenses that can build up, releasing them as you understand you need forgiveness too. Keep in mind the larger offenses that have taught you lessons. You know you have truly forgiven someone when you can recall what happened without feeling the anger again. Give people a second chance, but be safe. Trust is earned. Forgive, be gracious in showing your attitude of forgiveness, and guard your heart as the trust is rebuilt.

7. Be generous.

What can you give that is of value to your family? Share it. Be generous in word and deed. Show appreciation to those who have supported you. Give kind words to those closest to you. Say I love you. Be generous with your love, be generous with your time, and be generous with your money. Do not grieve yourself going into debt over a gift, but make it meaningful.

8. Be playful.

Play. Laugh. Have fun. Have a funny video or game ready to help break the tension if needed. Seek out pleasure moments and treasure them. Play reduces stress and elevates moods. Find mutual interests to enjoy.

9. Be attentive.

Are you always on the phone, computer, or PDA? When you put them away, you are telling your family what is most important. Listen to each other. Discord is often created, and is definitely increased, by misunderstanding and poor communication. Pay attention the way you want others to pay attention to you. Have you changed over the years? Remember others change too. Look for new positive traits in each other. You may be surprised.

10. Be nurturing.

Take care of your family, and take care of yourself. Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be the best you possible at the moment, and then be your own best friend.

Wishing you all warm and memorable family gatherings,

Patricia

Secret #1: Be in the moment, every moment. Are you thinking in the present, one minute at a time? Successful people keep their eye on the task at hand. If a task does not merit your full attention, then it is not worth doing. Do you make those around you feel special by giving them your full attention? Your children, your spouse, even your clients can tell if you think them worthy of your efforts and focus. Show them your true priorities by giving your best. If, at any moment, you are consumed by frustrations over a past event, or dwelling on worries of a future deadline, you are not making efficient use of your time. Your life is an overloaded train poorly performing at reduced speed. How can you speed up your success? By releasing worries over what you cannot control, and facing challenges without distraction. By staying in the moment, you will lower stress, accomplish exponential growth in productivity, and enjoy a more peaceful existence as you confidently complete each task.

Secret #2: Make every moment productive. Instead of wishing for more hours in your day, create more day in your hours. Get up early, get started with strength for the day ahead, and you will see immediate results. I recall when I first put this into practice. While not a “morning person” at heart, I decided to rise early enough to have quiet devotion time every morning, and to have extra hours to accomplish my goals for the day. The first thing in the morning I prayed, strategized about my day, envisioned the big picture, and even added some exercise to get my adrenaline going. I was amazed at how it changed my entire day! I felt better, had a better attitude, was more confident, and accomplished more before lunch than at any other time. Take an extra 30 minutes to an hour in the morning to situate yourself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally for the day. Starting with quiet time will increase productivity immediately, lower stress levels, and help you be more prepared for the unexpected. Then get to work, and see how far you go!

Laziness does not yield success. What are you accomplishing right now, and why? Are you putting off today what you will only dread tomorrow? “If you ever want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, simply put it off” (Olin Miller). Successful people take care of what is important immediately. Efficient time management dictates that you conquer your fear and live courageously, completing what matters most as soon as you can, not as late as possible. Procrastination is what limits success in your future and lessens happiness in your present. Procrastination is the author of regret. There are different forms of productivity to your life: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, and they all need attention in balance.

Secret #3: Balance your life: There is a beautiful illustration of balance in time management that has been formed into many analogies, from a pickle jar to a biscuit barrel, to name a few. Stephen Covey uses one such illustration. This is a shortened variation of the popular story, which makes a crucial point: take care of first things first. For those who like to follow along while doing the exercise and live the experience, you will need a large jar, some large rocks, some pebbles, some sand, and some water. On each large rock (10-12 of them, depending on your jar size), write something important to you, a major priority in life (such as a deadline, a goal, an event, clients, loved ones).

Now imagine you are sitting by rocks and sand in front of a beautiful ocean (no surprise why I picked the beach setting). In your hand you have a large empty jar. Fill it with lots of sand until it is completely full. Sand includes all the little things you have to do. Now pour a lot of pebbles onto the sand, and try to fit as many as you can, until you can fit no more. Pebbles represent what you enjoy in life. Now try to add your large rocks. How many can you fit before they spill over? Few, if any. As you imagine this (or better yet, do this), think of ways your life resembles your jar. Are you trying to squeeze the major rocks into an already full jar, hoping it all holds together for one more day? Are there important matters and people who seem to get the leftovers of your time?

Let’s try it again. Empty the jar into a bowl (you will use the ingredients again). This time, pick up as many large rocks as you can and place them in the empty jar. Now add even a few more on the top. Notice you can fit even more than you expected, when the important parts of life go in first! Next, pick your small pebbles out of the sand and add them to the jar. Add as many pebbles as you can until the jar is full again (it is okay to shake the jar until they fit). Do you see how many more pebbles fit this time? You get more joy out of life when these “happiness” pebbles come next. Now, add your sand. Pour in as much sand as you can until the jar is full. Notice how the sand seeps in to the very bottom, surrounding all the empty spaces?

The sand represents all those chores that have to get done, and rather than taking up your whole life, can easily fit in between the rocks and pebbles. Notice how much your jar weighs. Lastly, pour in water, filling the jar until it can hold no more. Now lift the jar. Feel the difference? Water represents all the ways you allow burdens, worry, and stress to seep in and weigh you down. Your jar is your life: what is yours saying? Are you made of sand and water (with a little rocks and pebbles in the way) or are you made of rocks and pebbles (with sand filling the empty parts and the occasional water seeped in)?

Successful people are not always busy, and busy people are not always successful. How you handle balancing the rocks, pebbles, and sand of your life can propel you towards success or stop you cold. Live a balanced life. Are you letting your time be wasted? Technology can be your avenue to prosperity or it can siphon the life out of you and your prospects for the future. You decide which it is for your life every minute you spend connected to the world wide web, watching tv, reading, going to the movies. Be sure your habits fit in balance with your life strategy. Your body will run as well as you treat it. Are you running it down with bad habits now, draining it of a future? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating right? Your body is a machine and needs regular nutritious fuel (and rest) for optimum performance.

Every day should contain time for business, refreshment (play, rest, eat), strategy (reflection on the big picture, goals, priorities, self-improvement, confidence, and spiritual strength), chores (the sand), and relationships. How you handle these components of your time defines who you are.

My husband is a successful attorney (talk about a stressful job!), and he has taught me the value of laughter and fun in everyday life. After dealing with life changing experiences in clients all day, he makes a point of seeking out humor, usually by at least catching jokes on one of the late shows every night. With the variety of jokes, you are bound to find something funny, and it is a great way to relax and have fun together. Laughter is truly a great medicine.

Do you spend enough time with loved ones? My three children love it when daddy gets home. No matter what kind of day he has had, they know that by bedtime, he will come up with something fun to do. Sometimes it is a game of hide-and-seek, other times they wrestle, or play “monster”. They feel important by his time and attention, and it gives him a way to bond with his children while he unwinds from his day. Do you let your children see you have fun? I laugh with my children, my friends, and my spouse as often as possible.

Do you have intimate time with your spouse daily? I am not just talking about sex (although that is a great idea too). If you are too busy or too tired for sexual intimacy, still reinforce the emotional bond daily. My husband and I love to hold each other in bed every night and enjoy the warmth of knowing we are there for each other. We also take time to hear about our day, cultivating the friendship. Do you spend time talking with those closest to you? If not a spouse, a friend? Give yourself time for friendships that last.

Secret #4: Say no. It is not selfish to say no, but rather is a healthy form of time management that draws others in. When you overbook your schedule, you say to your commitments” you are not worth my best effort”. Saying no tells others you know your limits and abilities, and you can be trusted to do what you promise. Being trustworthy is an effective tool to keep loyal clients, and a great parenting tip for building strong relationships with your children. Be a person of integrity, and do what you say.

Keep your focus on the big rocks to determine what to throw out. Are you keeping busy hoping to make it somehow, or are you focused on a goal and guiding yourself to it with every minute you spend? Every action accomplishes some goal, the question you must ask yourself is what goal is this action taking you towards. Your schedule defines your priorities, and your priorities define you. Why you choose your big rocks is often as important as what they are and how you deal with them. Do you have a grasp on your life purpose, and are you seeking ways to contribute to the world with your talents and your giftings? Have a strong foundation anchored in to succeed through the storms of life.

Pass your time wisely. If you live in the moment, stay productive, balanced, and live according to your priorities, you will succeed in your life’s purpose.

Patricia

So how stressed are you? Are you worried, frustrated, under pressure? Is your mind constantly racing, trying to keep track of everything? Stress manifests itself physically with intestine troubles, high blood pressure, exhaustion, and numerous other ailments. It also hinders you emotionally and spiritually, as you feel pulled in so many directions. You live life as a sprint, running until you collapse, then as soon as you can muster up enough energy, you pick it up again, wondering when you will collapse next (and with what, a heart attack?, the flu?, or an emotional collapse?). But there is a better way. Life is like a marathon race. Marathon runners pace themselves because they know they have a long distance to run. Are you running the marathon of life as if it were a series of sprints? Change your thinking and you can get farther. Runners leave behind any excess baggage that might slow them down (most women and men even shave the hair off their legs for increased speed). What stress is keeping you down, holding you back?

Could you use a more efficient system for managing your stress? Without a system, our instinct is to fight it, to manage stress by pushing against the strong current of life’s circumstances. This is both exhausting and dangerous. Stress is like swimming against a rip current. Rip currents are powerful flows of water that quickly drag a swimmer from the ocean (or even from just wading waste deep at the shoreline) out to beyond the breaking waves. Suddenly pulled out towards deep water, many beach goers panic, and it costs them their lives. The rip, like a stressful event, is not what kills you- it is your response to it that kills you, and your methods for managing stress may kill you too.

All oceans have rip currents- if you are going to swim, you’ll eventually face them. I remember vividly the overwhelming horror I experienced when first taken by surprise by a rip current. Every instinct wanted to panic, but the message I had heard so many times just kept playing in my head (don’t fight it, go with the flow, swim parallel and you will get out- fight it and you’ll die). While swimming I quickly prayed for courage to conquer my fear and strength to do what I knew and swim sideways (which was counterintuitive since at the same time I was being dragged out to sea). For a moment, I panicked and wondered if I would drown from exhaustion.

It took everything in me not to swim towards shore and against the pressure of the current. But I pressed on, changing my course to move sideways. Before I knew it I had made it out of the rip and I was free. I was exhausted and let the waves take me back in, my heart racing at what I experienced. The relaxing ride back was so peaceful, and I felt thankful and lucky that I knew the way out, and somehow kept myself focused enough to try. Despite the rip, I kept going back to the ocean. That experience taught me that I could make it (though I always hoped I would never have to feel anything that powerful and scary again). Life is like that.

Managing stress requires a system, and a determination to apply it. I learned this, unfortunately, through trial and error. I used to over burden myself constantly, both physically and emotionally. I was like the children in the cartoon/sitcom scenario of a broken vase glued together and filled, that is leaking despite the beautiful flower on display. The children keep trying to plug up and hide the growing number of holes, until the vase finally bursts. I was living to hide and plug holes, rather than admire the vase and its contents.

One day I decided to change my life, and devised a better system to move beyond just getting by to a peace I cannot describe, despite what I cannot control. For example, despite having months to prepare for a deadline, I used to spend time constantly thinking about how could I possibly meet it, and worrying about the 20 parts that needed to be completed (a waste of mental energy that could have been devoted to finishing one of the twenty steps). Now, when confronted by a project (after planning the big picture), I stop thinking about the rest of it. Instead, as I get ready every morning for the day ahead, I choose what I will complete on the project for that day, and think on that alone. Life is so much more peaceful.

Here is how to practice managing stress in five steps for a happier, healthier, better you:

1. EXPECT IT: Managing stress properly means being prepared. Take good care of yourself- you never know what the day will bring. Life is an adventure- approach it as such. Remember the classic example of a guy showing out for girls, saying punch my stomach and see how hard it is? The first blow he doesn’t even flinch (and all are impressed). But then, when distracted, someone else hits him, and he doubles over in pain. What made the difference? The first time he was ready, the second, taken off guard.

Expect stress and be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise regularly. Watch your caffeine intake. Take vitamins. Don’t avoid the doctor when you need one. Be a good friend to others, and establish a circle of support so you have others to help you through life’s pain, friends to help you figure out how to swim out of the strong currents of life. Cheer yourself on- are you thinking positive thoughts or berating yourself (would you talk like you do to yourself to someone you love)? Spend time with God everyday, be confident in what you believe, and draw strength from it.

Now, with this step, I expect the unexpected. I fully realize that great and amazing things take place every day, as well as the tragic. It is impossible to be completely ready for a blow, but I can be sure that I have a circle of support in place for life’s ups and downs, that I am not carrying more on my plate than necessary, and that I have a good understanding of the difference.

2. EMBRACE IT: You need a new attitude towards life, a determined stance to ride the waves of life and succeed through the storms. I decided long ago I would not live a life of regret. Now, as I get ready for the day, I say a prayer for strength to face with confidence what comes my way, and the courage to get help and support when overwhelmed. I embrace the challenge and the unexpected. Like the ocean rip currents, I realize that the more I resist and try to avoid stress, the more exhausted and sucked in I will be. Rather, I go with the flow, and jump in. Jump in with both feet today. Choose to swim.

The alternative is a self-destructive quest to numb out, attempting to escape the pain. Ever been numbed by the dentist? When you leave, your face may not feel the pain, but it also cannot feel the pleasure of a tender caress or a soft kiss. For most medications, the effectiveness of a given dose is temporary, and over time, wears off. More is required to cause any change. Whether you are seeking comfort in drugs, alcohol, food, isolation, excessive television, twenty coffees a day, or whatever your vice, like medicine you will need more and more to cover the pain, and it will never be enough to push against the current of life and survive exhaustion: as a faulty lifesaver, it will drown you. Instead, embrace life, taking the good with the bad. Know that God is in charge of the big picture, and like the rip currents, there is always a way out. It is all in your attitude: are you going to live life to its fullest- despite the pain? This is the only way to know true pleasure and happiness.

3. EVALUATE IT: What pressures occupy your thoughts, consume your energy, or cause you grief? Be honest and real with yourself. Remember to consider tendencies such as jealously, feelings of inferiority, or frustration over failures as possible causes for some of your grief (all easily changed through setting goals and having a successful positive attitude about yourself!). Are you exaggerating the importance of a stressor: will it really matter one year from now, or five years from now?

The serenity prayer is a tool used by many people recovering from addictions, but has truths that are treasures for everyone to grasp when managing stress: God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. What people, events, or circumstances are within your control, and what is it you cannot change?

I used to be a people-pleaser perfectionist, and I would add more to my plate everyday. Not only would I take on too much physically (over-commit myself, accept extra work out of guilt), but I would also take on emotional loads. If someone criticized me, it would add to my stress level and I would dwell on what I did wrong wasting precious mental energy.

Now, I can accept criticism. Even though I cannot control it, I control my response to it. I consider it, own what is accurate (even if given in a rude way), and make a quick decision to change it for the future. I also dismiss the outrageous or irrelevant criticism as their problem, not mine. I then let it go. Like water drops on a rainproof coat, I brush it right off. This used to be unheard of, but I now realize every moment of life needs to be valued, and every moment I waste thinking about needless worries robs me and loved ones of the real me. The Bible says it best: And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to your life? So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6: 27,34 (NASV). Any doctor will tell you these are words to live by (and live better by).

This third step to managing stress is to evaluate where your stressor fits: is it in your control? An easy way out of responsibility is to tell yourself there is nothing you can do about it. Even if the stressor is out of your control, there is usually something about it that you can control. A general guideline to sorting it out: if it is your behavior, your actions in response to a stress, then yes you are in control of it; if it is others’ actions, others’ thoughts or desires, these you cannot control (even though we often think or hope we can).

4. ENGAGE IT: Now it’s time to take action. The 4th step to managing stress is to engage it. If you can change it, do it now. Procrastination is one of your worst enemies, stealing precious moments of your life. Think of something right now that you are avoiding, that is causing you stress and worry, and that gone would be a load off your mind – because it really is!

Here is how you engage stress: first, control it if possible. If you identify a stressor as within your control, then determine how strong it is and what needs to be changed. Your choices are to change your exposure to the stress or stressor in terms of duration, frequency, or to minimize intensity of the exposure (refuse to discuss something with someone, refuse to respond to negativity, etc.). You can also avoid it altogether, if necessary.

Next, whether you can control the stressor or not, the resulting tension, frustration, emotion, and pressure need to be compartmentalized. After I made a commitment not to be fake anymore, and pretend that I felt fine, I wondered how to go about the day without feeling overwhelmed. I then discovered I could find pleasure in a beautiful flower, feel good about finishing a minor task for school or work, and even laugh at the smile of my child, all without denying the grief I still felt over a loss or tragedy.

Imagine a train with several compartments. They are all different sizes, and you access each at different times. When you have a lot to think about at one time, the stress of a difficult relationship, or a sudden tragedy, life goes on and you still need to function. So you get up, take a shower, go to work, get your paperwork done, and when you feel the stress growing, you nurture yourself with the comfort that the grief deep down inside will be dealt with soon. Sometimes, such as with a great loss, your grief compartment will be so large that it takes up most of your train, temporarily. Over time, however, as you process through it, the other compartments will grow larger again. Give space to each stress based on priorities, but do give each a place.

5. EMERGE FROM IT: This final step is extremely important. Process the pressure and pain to get through it, and emerge successful and free. This requires effort, whether it is to brush off the stress of the day, or to push through the weight of a significant loss. Contrary to the old cliche, time does not heal all wounds. If you are dealing with tragedy or trauma, the event is gone, but it takes time and effort to grieve from the change. The grieving process is different for everybody, but most significant life changes require at least two years of working through it to adjust (and sometimes more).

Without shaking off your stress and cleaning out your emotional compartments, you will be left wading in a sea of deep water, stuck in the strong current. Remember, there is a way out, so find it today. Like a write-once CD etched with the record of your experiences, you can never erase the experiences of life. The dings and scrapes that knock us down, however, like scratches on a CD, can be smoothed out so that despite wear, the music plays beautifully.

The fallout from life’s currents is pressure, and to emerge you need to let off steam. Shake off the stress like the rain shakes off a water-proof umbrella. Wipe it away in a healthy way, with balance and moderation: journal your thoughts and frustrations, talk it out with friends, exercise, spend time in prayer, cry it out, laugh it out, just get it out.

Every compartment of your life needs attention. Compartments of rotting baggage that are never cleaned out eventually smell up the whole train. Balance your compartments of work with play time: start a hobby or fun project, plan an adventurous family outing, get a babysitter and take your spouse out on a surprise date. Decide today that you will succeed, you will live a life you are proud of, and you will make it through whatever life brings. Surround yourself with encouragement and positive thoughts. In your quiet time, pray, set goals, and move forward. Get the big picture.

That is it: expect, embrace, evaluate, engage, and emerge victorious. As you face the strong currents of life, with these five steps and a defiant attitude, you will press on and achieve your goals, regardless of your circumstances. You decide that life is worth living, that God has a purpose for you, and that you will succeed if you manage life in a healthy manner. Are you ready for a better you?

Patricia