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How to Start Over: Rebuild or Just Remodel

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

You need a change.  Something is not right, and you feel unsettled.  This is not how life is supposed to be.  You need to start over.  But what exactly does this mean?  Some will advise you to throw out the good with the bad, the manageable with the unmanageable, in the name of a fresh start.  Too often we get rid of the uneasy and avoid the uncomfortable in the name of getting healthy or finding success.  Avoiding the difficult is not the answer, and avoiding challenge can even hinder your success. Your life is like a building.  Sometimes you need to tear down the entire structure and start over in a new location, but other times only a little remodeling is necessary.  It makes no sense to demolish a building just because it needs a little paint and patches, and it makes no sense to cut yourself off from everyone and everything you believe in and care about just because your life is not going in the right direction.  Sometimes circumstances call for a drastic change, but other times less dramatic changes can produce the confidence and motivation you need to fulfill your life purpose and live happy, healthy, successful, and free.  Here are three things to help you start over: help to identify which of the four key parts of life you need to change, help to remove common hinderances to starting over, and encouragements to just do it, whatever this means for you.  Create a better you today!

1.  Identify exactly how you should start over, and how you should not. 

There are many parts of life, but here are four key areas to consider.  The following will help you determine what extent you may wish to start over in different aspects of your life, with some cautions along the way.

Mentally

You may need to start over mentally.  This can range from changing how you approach only one aspect of life, to changing your entire mental approach to life.  If your thoughts are defeating you, change what you think, but do so carefully.  Do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by messages, but at the same time, wash your brain.  Let me explain.  In a sense, we are all brainwashed every day, but when we take control of how this happens, it is an active process, where we deliberately choose who to listen to, and to wash our brain of the thoughts that bring defeat. 

For example, when you choose to watch television, commercials innundate you with subliminal messages that will often influence your choice at the supermarket, whether you know it or not.  You take that risk, however, because the reward of your show is worth a little product branding to you.  Likewise, when you hear comments you did not solicit, you can automatically allow them to alter how you think about yourself, or you can make a conscious choice to evaluate whether they are coming from a credible source and to dismiss those unworthy of consideration. 

Everyone has a message, and when you accept and internalize information, you are re-structuring a part of how you think.  The difference is in whether you make a conscious choice to screen out what you accept as authority and allow to wash you brain, or whether you allow everyone’s opinions to throw you into confusion.  As a child, you should be surrounded by positive mental reinforcement as you learn the confidence to distinguish between the constructive encouragment of loved ones and the destructive malicious attacks of others.  Unfortunately, children are often exposed to hurtful ourpourings of anger, internalizing these attacks into their sense of self-worth. 

As an adult, if you do not re-write these negative beliefs, or if you accept all other opinions as correct, you will find your life needs a change.  Deep inside, you are not happy.  You need to know your life has purpose, you have great talent waiting to be developed, and you are valuable to the world and to God.  You need to gain confidence and to make conscious choices to dismiss those who do not hold authority in your life.  You need to start over.  You may just need to re-write your thoughts about your career, and start to dream big dreams.  You may only need to change how you view your relationships, and how you handle lonliness.  You may need to cut off a destructive relationship, or you may be able to stay close, especially with family, while gaining the confidence to ignore destructive comments.  You may also need to change how you see yourself, your worth, and your strengths as a person.  You may find, however, that you need to start from scratch, that your mind is filled with negative thoughts.  You need to re-learn how to handle stress, how to view life for success, and how to triumph.  There is a time for everything, and this is your time.  Start now.

Geographically

You may need to start over geographically.  If it is for career reasons, the change may be forced upon you, or it may be an exciting achievement and a goal you finally reached.  For others, you may need to move to make a fresh start as part of a new you.  Ask yourself these questions.  Are you moving because it is the best for your life right now, or are you moving because it is the easiest way to start over?  A physical move is never easy.  Psychology experts generally suggest you requre about two years to adjust to major changes such as moving to a new state. 

While it can be difficult to move, sometimes people think a geographical change is the best solution to get away from problems.  If this is the only way to be safe, the only way to keep yourself or your loved ones from harm, then it is the best for your life.  If, however, you think you have to leave because the pain is just too strong, be sure there are not more effective ways to get through your pain.  Remember, when you face your pain, you can conquer it as you heal, but when you run from your pain, you will usually find it follows you, as it grows in the chase.

I once had the chance to move out of state.  At first, I did not go, because I knew it was not the right time.  It would have been the easiest way to escape my challenges, but I knew I needed to face what was hurting and to leave not because I was trying to escape the pain, but because God opened the doors to a new part of my life.  I faced my fears, and stayed where I was, until the time was right.  When I did finally move, it was because my career and my life were headed in that direction.  Change can be scary, and moving is often scary, but it can be exactly what your life needs.  If you think this is you, pray about it, talk about it, and then when you are sure, embrace it.  Seize the opportunity and make every opportunity count.

Emotionally

You may need to start over emotionally.  Do you fill up with rage and need help controlling your responses?  Are you depressed, in despair, and isolating yourself?  Do you find yourself managing stress in mostly healthy ways, but one particular aspect of life seems overwhelming?  Are you burdened by grief over something and you cannot find joy in what remains?  I have included links to some other posts to help in these areas, but the first step is to identify that you need to start over. 

Do you need a drastic change in how you respond, setting yourself free from addictive or other destructive patterns?  Do you just need some minor adjustments in how your life flows, to make a conscious decision to fight for the peace you once had in one particular area of life?  This emotional area often feeds into your mental area, and vice versa.  Are your emotions swinging because of your mental messages?  Are you frozen by fear and inhibited by uncertainty?  You can start over, in the big and little ways your emotions impact every day.  Start today, to get healthy for a new you.

Spiritually

You may need to start over spiritually.  Parents generally want their children to follow their religious affiliations.  As a Christian, I also want my children to learn the Bible and to love God.  Some pastors say between 60 and 90% of graduates stop attending church, while a recent UT Austin study suggests what changes is participation, where 62% of Protestants attend church less often after graduating.  The point is that many times college is where students first consider what they really believe in life, apart from their parents. 

When you think about starting over spiritually, listen to your heart, where your spiritual life begins.  I believe God calls to you, so search out when you have questions.  My caution, an important one, is to consider why you are making a change.  If, for example, you are a Christian dismissing your religion because of the poor example from your parents or after seeing hypocrates, you need to realize they are imperfect people representing a perfect God.  No religion has perfect people.  Not one.  If, however, you are living in a belief system and feeling deep within that God is teaching you to seek out the truth elsewhere, seek wise counsel, listen, and learn.  Do not neglect your spiritual life, and have the courage to start over when you feel led.

2.  Remove the hinderances to starting over.

Now that you know what areas need a new you, how do you motivate yourself to make practical changes?  To start over and remove the hinderances to your success, you need to do three things:

change your sense of what is fair

Fair is not always equal, and life is not always fair.  Many people never make changes or start over because it is easier to blame circumstances or people and sit in the “poor me” spot.  Life is not fair.  Sometimes it hits you hard, and you should never have to deal with the pain or troubles you face.  But they are there.  Face them anyway, and triumph despite your challenges.  Change your expectation of fairness, and realize comparing to others only hinders you.  Push through your sense of what is fair and focus on the future instead.

challenge your sense of effort

You may not want to do what it will take, you may not think you should have to, but if it is really worth it, do it anyway.  Put forth the effort, and re-define what this means.  Effort is not the amount of energy that you think something should require, it is the amount of energy required to accomplish that something, no matter what.  If your diet, exercise, or stop-smoking plan is harder than you think, instead of saying it is too hard and using this as an excuse to quit, if it is truly a worthwhile goal, then decide it is worth this effort, the effort that challenges you beyond what you imagined possible, and keep going or start over again: do it anyway.  You can do it!

I just applied this to my own life in writing my dissertation.  I did it.  I finished and passed my dissertation defense!  For those who are not familiar with the Ph.D. requirements, after coursework is finished and your dissertation proposal is successfully completed, you advance to candidacy and write “the book”, your original research of 200-300 pages.  Then comes the final defense examination where you pass or fail.  After you pass, you turn in the final version, and graduate.  Yeah!  I am so excited, and I thank God for all the ways I found strength I never thought I had to make it.  You see, I had to revise my sense of effort.

I expended more than twice as much energy and time than I had planned to complete my dissertation.  I always found the failure statistics amazing for PhD candidates– over 50% never finish their dissertation!  On this side, I can see how hard it really is.  When people ask me how I did it, with a husband, three young children, and a busy life, I say I am special, but no more or less special than any other candidate. The difference is I did not let my sense of fairness, my sense of what effort it should take, prevent me from expending the effort it did take.  I pushed on, doing whatever necessary to complete it.  Persistence and a positive attitude in the face of challenge makes a difference and creates your success!

choose your sphere of influence

Help others and find new ways to influence other people. At the same time, be selective about who you allow to influence you.  Ignore those who say you can’t, and believe you can.  Start over today! 

3. Just do it! 

For practical ways to take action now, visit some of our other articles such as four steps to make it happen,  start a new habit or break a bad one, managing stress, and dream your dreams to achieve greatness, or browse our archives for other inspirations. 

You can think and plan and think and plan, but there comes a time to just do it.  Think big, dream wide, and act small.  Keep your eyes on the big picture, but at the same time take each day one moment at a time.  No more excuses.  If you know what is required for a better you, start over today.  Start from where you are, or start from scratch, but wherever you need a change, start over as if you can create who you want to become, because you can.  You can do it!

Do you have any suggestions to help people start over?  Share with us what works for you.  Towards a better you, 

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 9 Comments »

Being Honest With Yourself

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

I was baffled. My clothes were fitting tighter, my feet were swelling up, I was not pregnant, I ate the same amount of food, and I lived an active lifestyle. I could not figure out why I seemed to be gaining weight, so I rationalized it away. “My clothes are shrinking, my weight is just re-distributing, or I am just retaining water.” I felt blah. After a few months of denying it, when I could no longer zip up my pants all the way, I finally faced it. I stood on the scale and saw 15 new pounds. In my frustration, I told my husband. “I do not know what is wrong with this food plan. I guess I will just buy bigger clothes.” I then laughed at my logic immediately, realizing I was blaming a reliable healthy eating plan for my weight. He knew I was low on energy from the extra pounds, and also had an answer. “Give yourself a break. You just stopped nursing a baby, maybe that is the reason.” I could not believe I forgot about that factor. When I nursed, I had to eat more for the baby. Now, I needed to go back to an amount of food for just me. I think rather than forgetting about this, I was just avoiding the truth. It was more convenient for me to ignore any possible responsibility on my part to prevent having to change what I was doing. Change. Uncomfortable, yet freeing. I grumbled a bit, consoled myself, and then made the change.

Losing the weight was worth the adjustment. I chose to be healthy, and I had to be honest to get there.

When you are not honest with yourself, something just does not feel right. You may feel disconnected, frustrated, or apathetic, and you are not sure why. Maybe you avoid being honest about little things, hide from the reality of important matters, or maybe you even avoid the truth when your life depends on it. You may feel like you are just trying to get by, and wonder when life will be fun again. Inside you feel one way, but you ignore it, rationalize it away, or avoid accepting the truth. Figure out what is driving you to deny what is, get honest with yourself, and change your life today.

Here are four reasons we avoid being honest:

1. We resist being honest with ourselves because it hurts and seems overwhelming. These create defining moments when we must decide to conquer fear and trust God for strength to push through the pain and achieve the honesty we need.

When my eating disorder was draining me of strength and hope, I had to get honest with myself despite how painful or difficult it was to face my circumstances. Psalms 51:6 says “You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part you will make me know wisdom.” and John 8:32 says “You will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” (NASB version of the Bible). I faced the truth and dealt with the pain of my past rather than continue to stuff it down and pretend it did not exist. I moved on, determined to succeed and to be defined by only the positive events in life. Now, I am 15 years free of that hold, and God reminds me to take care of myself as best I can. Now I live to be real, and to have what I feel be in line with my actions. If I have a chip on my shoulder about something, I deal with it, because that is a part of being honest. I need to be honest in both big and little things, no matter what.

When we are hurt, we naturally avoid dealing with the pain. Our bodies react to pain by sending a message to the nerve receptors to “numb out”. Eventually they adapt and we sense the pain, signaling it is time to fix the wound. We act this way emotionally too. We initially want to deny trauma or other events occur, but to grow and thrive, we need to face the pain at the right time and with the right help. Sometimes there are deep wounds that need healing. I have fought this battle, and no longer allow this pain to rule my life. It took time to process through, to understand I was not to blame, and to heal, but I did it, and you can too, whatever your hurt. A deeper cut needs more attention than a superficial scrape. Attend to your wounds. Be honest about where you are and move past your past.

2. We avoid the truth when we are embarrassed or ashamed of our mistakes, or misfortunes, and would rather pretend they do not exist. Without getting honest and taking responsibility for our goofs, whether tragic or just slightly embarrassing, we can allow even one event to steer our life off course. Big or small, we still need to face our circumstances.

One time in college I fell for a scam phone call that promised a free trip for just a nominal “shipping” fee. I delivered my money, with the promise my prize would arrive in the mail. When I later realized my mistake, I was so embarrassed. I was supposed to be smarter than that! I was convinced by the idea of something for nothing, and I allowed myself to see only what I wanted to see. It could have cost me my entire checking account balance, but I swallowed my pride and went to the bank. I stopped payment on the check in time, and the bank said I was lucky it was not too late, because this scam robbed so many of so much. I saw the looks of the bank officials as they saw another young lady duped. I almost did not go to the bank. I rationalized why I should not worry about it and that it was too late anyway, but I felt God tugging at my spirit and my conscious would not stop bothering me until I acted. I am so glad I did fix it, embarrassment and all. In this trivial life lesson, I learned to be more guarded with my trust.

3. We resist being honest because of what the truth says about us, and the fear it changes who we are. You are not your fears, but you define yourself by them when you give in to the lies trying to beat you down. Are you replaying an event over and over again in your mind? Stop it. Process the pain yourself, or go to a friend or counselor to get it out, but find a way to move on. If you are stuck in a loop you will keep going around in circles and miss the beauty of the terrain up ahead. Get back on track for your life journey.

When you think about who you are, if you find yourself too harsh, maybe you are not being honest with yourself about your abilities, your inner strength, and your endearing qualities. Do you treat yourself like dirt? Stop it. You are valuable, and you have something to offer the world. Find out who you are, be proud of your skills, and hold your head high. Being honest is not just about the challenges. You need to be honest about your strengths, too!

4. We resist being honest because it means we have to change, and with change comes sacrifice.

There is always a fix. Many times things will not be as they were, but there are often actions you can take, and things you can do to change the effects of an action, to forgive, to restore yourself, to heal. Find a way to be more honest and embrace the change it brings.

Be honest with your finances. Are you really cutting back when needed, or are you just stressed because you do not want to change the lifestyle you desire? Finances strain relationships, and how you spend your money shows what you value. Be honest with yourself and be aware of your choices.

Be honest with your relationships. Are you treating others right, and are you treated right? Where there is pain, get healing. Where there is tension, fight your way back to peace. Start by investing your time.

Be honest about your habits. Are you managing stress or robbing your life of precious years with self-destruction? Are you acting on life as it comes, responding to change, and adapting to accomplish your goals? Get honest, get hope, and change today. You can do it!

Be honest about your priorities. Your life affects others. You have something to offer, so seize it and work for it every day. Do your actions reflect your true priorities, or are you aimlessly wandering through life? Are you blaming others or your past for your inaction today? Get focused, get ready, and take action today.

Ginny’s courage fighting her illness taught me to look for the positive despite good or bad times, to fight for what is important, and to be honest with myself. Being honest is rewarding, healing, and energizing. Think of a time when you were honest with yourself and faced the difficult or uncomfortable. How can you be more honest with yourself now? Create a better you today. You can do it!

 

Posted in a higher power, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, eating disorders, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 10 Comments »

Immediate Gratification

Saturday, March 17th, 2007

You know you want it. You have got to have it. The surge of adrenaline heightens your senses and you can almost taste the fulfillment of your wish. You rationalize all the reasons that you will die without it. You need it, this minute. Life will never be the same again. So you get it. And for a brief moment, you live the thrill.

Then it hits you. The intense excitement turns to a horrible disbelief. As the pleasure fades, you realize what you did. You cannot take it back. You have created your own misery.

You can tear down in one moment what it takes a lifetime to build: trust in a marriage, confidence in a friendship, respect in your family, recognition in your profession, and love for yourself.

Were you trying to prove a point, get revenge, or defy someone with your action? Did you hope to get noticed, get attention, to do something shocking and finally be seen? Did you just want to feel alive? Were you trying to do what others least expect, to impress someone, or to take risks out of anger? Did a savvy sales associate notice your insecurities as you made a purchase beyond your means? Were you just bored, lonely, or acting out your sadness by doing something you promised to avoid?

When you react to life in this way, you allow circumstances to control you. If you choose to allow pressures to drive your decisions, then you do not act from your heart. You deny your true self, and sabotage your success. There are other ways to feel alive, other ways to feel good about life and satisfy the emptiness with true fulfillment. Self-sabotage is not the answer. Stop living under the control of your impulses, and determine to respond to life with strength and character.

Sometimes a person has a chemical imbalance that needs medical attention to aid in impulse control, or a severe addiction surrounds every decision made. If this is you, get to a doctor, get medicine, or break free from the addiction. Only you can decide to get better.

In most cases, however, the difficult task of delayed gratification is surprisingly simple to accomplish: commitment to your principles with every bit of your energy. When you feel the urgency to do something impulsive, determine to stop and give yourself some time. Think, pray, and listen. Why is it so important? What will happen if you wait, or if you never do it? What will happen if you do? Is it worth it? No excuses. Others may have influenced your past, but only you determine your tomorrow.  Help others by sharing your stories in the comments: tell us what helps you respond to the desire for immediate gratification when you know the impulse will force your life train off track.  I have added links in the comments section below to some posts where I share what helps me.

To live without regret is to be happy. To be happy is to fulfill your God-given purpose in life. To fulfill your purpose, you need a purpose-driven life. What is driving you? Be the person you want to be, who God calls you to be, with every choice you make. Have you hurt yourself or others with your choices in the past? Get forgiveness and make it right. Then start over today. You can do it!

Posted in attitude, balance, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 11 Comments »

Let Off Steam: 4 Types of Releases You Need to be Happy and Healthy

Friday, February 16th, 2007

How do you let off steam? Do you manage stress with a healthy outlet, or are the pressures of life building up inside you? Here are four types of releases every person needs. Find out if yours are missing, if they are holding you back, or if they are creating a happy and healthy you. 

Compartmentalize your stress, focus it, and find healthy outlets.  Here are the four types of outlets or releases you must have. As you look at each one, ask whether yours is missing, or whether it is hurting you. To make your stress work for you, and to succeed through adversity, be sure how you cope does not undermine your efforts to achieve your goals. If you see a need for change, then select a different release, determine to follow through with this commitment, and make a better you.

The four types are on a continuum, where you turn up the valve from 1 to 4, depending on how much pressure is building up inside of you, and how significant the stressors are.

Valve set at 1: Lets off a little steam, a quick, repeating, release you might use throughout the day. This is instantly accessible anywhere, and usually happens in your own mind. You use this when the busy chores or daily schedule starts to get you flustered, and you need a quick recharge of energy. It can be a quick prayer, affirming thought, or a moment to watch the birds fly or the flowers blow in the wind. Whatever will help you gain perspective and feel a moment of strength fits here. How do you blow off steam at level 1?

When I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed from deadlines or inconvenient actions of others, my first response is to do this 30 second exercise. I stop, breath, and say a prayer. I look at something I love that I can see at that moment (picture of loved ones, the clouds, …). Then I identify what thoughts are causing my reaction. Finally, I counter them in my mind. Am I feeling upset because of unexpected events? I remind myself I can adapt, figure out what is important, and get it done.

I used to feel devastated when someone criticized what I did. I was giving other people too much power over my life. Now, I am a better listener. If I start to take offense, I stop and consider what truth I can find in their comment. Then I figure out how it can make me a better person. If I still feel upset, I instantly know that I forgot the most important part: to remember my identity is not determined by the opinion of others. Whatever is not constructive is coming from their own issues, so I refuse to let it influence me. I dismiss it as their own problem. I still remember how amazing it felt the first time I really put this in practice. I no longer hold grudges (though I remember not to ask for criticism from those who only tear down).

Valve set at 2: Gives off more steam in an habitual act of letting it out. This is a way to let your body know you care. Some typical ideas are exercise, playing a video game, watching a favorite show, talking about your day with a friend or spouse, or going out to eat with some friends. A healthy and loving marriage with great communication will also provide regular times of intimacy, which is a great outlet. Do you have a regular outlet that helps you unwind, and is it constructive? Fueling an addiction hurts you and your loved ones, and only spins your life out of control. Make a conscious choice to respond to life in a healthy way, rather than to let life control you. Without a healthy outlet, you bottle up frustrations and pressures and you may find yourself overreacting to situations as you “leak” out steam in an inappropriate manner. You may take out your stress on family, friends, or yourself. If you ignore level 1, then you will feel an unbalanced need for an extended level 2 release. Wanting to relax after a typical day of work is a natural response. Needing the whole night to get over your typical day is not.

Valve set at 3: This is an indulgence. Here you have a larger release that you anticipate and allow to motivate your actions. Are you trying to achieve your goals? Do you set consequences and rewards for yourself? Indulgences are great rewards for finishing projects, changing a habit, or doing something difficult or amazing. They are also great at inspiring you to persevere. Do you have some difficult things to tackle? Get an indulgence in mind and work for the prize. You can make fun plans for the weekend, or plan a special day out at the end of the month. Go get pampered at a spa, or visit a car show. One of my regular level 2 stress releases has become a level 3 indulgence for me since having children. I love curling up with a good book and getting lost in the story. Now, it is hard to find time for reading anything that is not related to my children or my graduate studies (I am finishing up my dissertation). So, I look forward to special times when I get the chance to indulge. I set aside time every week for this entertainment as a reward for all the sleepless hours I spend working on other things.

Valve set at 4 is a spiritual transforming release, where all your pressures escape in an amazing experience. While this is one of the most important, it can be the most difficult to find. What is yours? It may be a retreat to the woods, a quiet experience with God, a nature walk, a visit to your special spot at a lake, or even a vacation to an exotic resort.

When I first started to live free of my eating disorder, I needed a tangible way to draw powerful strength whenever I felt tempted. I found the beach. I lived so close that I could drive there at any time. I went there whenever I needed to feel God’s arms around me, and to remind me that anything was possible. The thunderous boom of the ocean waves, the strong tides pulling back the sand into various patterns, and the sun glistening on the water, all suddenly and dramatically cause currents of strength to flow through me. I felt incredible, and incredibly loved. The beach reminded me how small my problems were when compared to the universe, and I relaxed as my mind instantly saw an aerial view of life. I could quickly discern what will still be important 5 or 10 years from now, and focus on my commitment to the moment. I used to need this transforming experience frequently. As I grew confident in my new habits, I could use levels 1 or 2 to get me past any temptation. Now, after 15 years of freedom, I am truly free.

There are times in life when a spiritual and transformational experience is essential. Are you burned out, uncertain of your life’s purpose, or struggling to live the way you desire? When you find it, it is something you know is there. Let it give you strength to know that in times of desperation, you have a refuge. What is your shelter from the storms of life? It is during the sad or uncertain times that people tend to start unhealthy patterns, so purpose today to triumph through any pain by deciding your plan of action now. These transforming releases are essential during times of extreme stress in your life. They may be visited quite frequently for a while, and then less often as you progress through your life’s storm. I still draw strength from the beach, and I look at beautiful sunsets whenever I get the chance, but I now live hours from the beach. My visits are mostly a reminder of how my life has changed for the better. I use the memories of past struggles to encourage me in my present.

How do you let off steam? What are your levels 1-4? Are they constructive, or destroying your success? Evaluate your coping skills, plan new ones for your future as needed, and create a better you. You can do it!

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, diet & health, family, goals, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 6 Comments »

Your Secret To Positive Thinking

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

People are talking about it. It is on the news, in documentaries, on the radio, and in person. As the awareness spreads, more people are taking charge of life, and talking about positive thinking. As the world wakes up from self-pity and despair, it recognizes the power of the mind to impact the future. There are classic books to inspire you (such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking), and modern works that hightlight speakers who tell the world how to effect change (such as the Law of Attraction movie and book The Secret). I get excited anytime people want to talk about creating a better life. It fits exactly with the theme of A Better You Blog.

The Law of Attraction goes along with this approach to life: whatever you think about will happen. My view on the Law of Attraction can be seen in my article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I believe you do attract most of what you experience, but that life happens in balance, and there are ways to apply any theory to the extreme. While I agree positive thinking creates and attracts positive outcomes, God also gave people free will. The choice to do good or to do harm to others impacts everyone. Some find it comforting to believe in a false security that everything can be controlled, but the unexpected does happen. It is what you do next that determines your level of success.

Seize the rewards you attract with confidence and overcome both the difficulties that you attract and those few that come despite your best efforts. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You hurt, you heal, you move on, and you triumph over adversity and into greatness. Do not allow the 1% you cannot control to dominate the other 99% of your life, but focus on the 99% you can control, attract the success you desire, and create a better you. You can dream your way to the life you want: believe your goals are within your grasp, and work hard to create amazing success.

God has a unique plan for you. How do positive thoughts help you achieve your life’s purpose? Dream, imagine, and achieve. Do it today!

Inspire others with your own positive thoughts in the comments section with one or all of these:

Share a quote that motivates you or is meaningful (and who said it).
Tell how positive thinking changed your life (in big or small ways).
Cite your favorite motivating books- what do you read that stirs your soul to action?

Patricia

Posted in attitude, balance, be yourself, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, wealth & income, work & career | 14 Comments »

Start A New Habit Or Break A Bad One: Ten Steps To Guarantee Success For Anyone

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

You can succeed where other fail. You can start a new habit or break an old one. You can change your life today. Do you want to stop an addiction to drugs or alcohol, lose weight on a diet, quit smoking, give up coffee, stop yelling at your kids, change a spending habit, be more productive in business, or be more assertive? What habit do you want to include or kick out of your life? Most people begin a new habit and fail to include all of these ten steps. If any of these are left out, your success is sabotaged before you begin. If you include these ten components, you are guaranteed success. Change your conditioned reactions to life and create new ones by following these ten steps.

1. Identify the habit. Be specific. Do you want to lose weight? Know exactly how much you want to lose and in what time frame (ie. 30 pounds in 6 months). Do your research. For example, if you are trying to diet, find out what to reasonably expect. You can safely lose 1-2 pounds per week, so 30 pounds in 6 months is a reasonable goal, and easily achieved. Why is it easy? Because if you follow these steps, you are guaranteed success. No tricks, no gimmicks. It is up to you. Do you want it bad enough?

2. Desire to start or to break the habit. You need a real longing, a want that pushes you towards your goal. You have to be willing to give up the way life is now. It is the only way to spark real change. If you are happy with life as it is, you will not succeed in change. Are you trying to change only because others tell you that you should? This is not enough of a motivator. Instead, ask them why. Are you denying the effects of your habit (or lack of habit) on your life? Listen to your loved ones, let it get to you, and inspire your desire for change. List what you will miss if you do not begin this new habit, or what you will gain if you give up an old habit. To succeed, you have to know why you want to change it. Do you really want your goal? If so, you will. If not, you will not. If you plan to succeed, you will. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” (Possibly an “old army adage” according to armytimes.com, but if anyone knows who first said this quote, please enlighten us in the comments and include your reliable source- I love accurate citations, but this one is over-used and under-cited).

3. Learn why you do it (or why not). What do you get out of how things are now? Figure out what need it fills (so you can fill it a different way). Is your habit a coping mechanism, helping you relieve stress or numb out from life’s pain? You can choose to manage stress in a healthy way, and find true happiness by making a healthy change. Is your habit a conditioned reaction to events, done for immediate gratification in times of sadness or frustration? You can change your pattern, learn to respond rather than react, and create a healthy substitute. Are you running from the pain of your past, and just getting by? If so, the thought of losing this habit probably scares you. You can do it. Do you want to start a new habit? What will you have to give up? If you want to start an exercise regime, for example, find wasted time during the day that you can make productive through this new habit. Instead of watching a television show, exercise. Why have you not started (and stayed with) this habit before? Do you believe you are too lazy (do you need to change your thinking)?

If you need perspective, talk with a friend. Whatever pain is driving you, it may take effort, but get through it and re-direct it. If you have serious trauma or unresolved pain, you may need to talk with someone to get past it. This is not “navel-gazing”. Healing from tragedy and trauma take time, but you must change your reaction to the pain to get better. If you are hurt from a fire and douse yourself with the first liquid available, which happens to be oil, the fire will only get worse! You have to get to water (or even better a fire extinguisher)! Life works this way too. You must change your habit to heal. What message does your current lifestyle send to you and how does it reinforce the negative?

4. Replace negative messages with positive ones. The moment you either give up or begin a new habit, you have changed.  Remind yourself of that.  Say “I am now losing weight, I have quit smoking, I am now a more assertive person…” or whatever fits with your goal.  This can be liberating if you truly believe you have changed.  Do not go back.  You need a new life slogan, one that says “you can do it”! If you do not believe you can, you cannot. Do you believe you have a destination? is your life’s train going anywhere? Replace the old messages with new ones. Love yourself, hate the habit, forgive yourself as God forgives you. You are a worthwhile person. This is hard for many to do. Get help from friends, positive quotes from the internet, or inspirational Bible verses to remind you of the truth of your unique and amazing life purpose. If you can, post affirmations where you will see them. The belief you can succeed is essential for success.

5. Get specific: plan for success. You need details to succeed. To start an exercise plan, decide exactly what days and times you will work out. Do you need to purchase any equipment or join a gym? do you need childcare? Plan ahead for an entire week, and be sure you are not exercising more than what is healthy for you (check with your doctor if needed). To stop smoking, have a detailed plan. Research over-the-counter items you may need. Use the internet to find support groups or materials to read. To lose weight, be careful not to pick an unhealthy plan. Some fad diets will take lots of your money and mess up your metabolism. If you are promised to lose a huge amount of weight in a short period of time, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. These programs will take your money and after you quickly lose a few pounds, you quickly gain back more than you had before you started. Choose a healthy well-balanced eating plan and write out your meals and grocery list for one week. What details do you need to figure out for the first week of your new life?

6. Take responsibility. If you think you are stuck this way, you will be. You can be the person you want to be, but it is up to you. These ten steps will guarantee your success, but only you can guarantee that you will follow these ten steps. Regardless of why you have had or avoided this habit, you have the control. Whether you just need a note on the fridge as a reminder to have a positive attitude, or you need a friend you can call every morning with the details of your plan, or even if you need some hospitalization or medication, it is still your choice to succeed. It is your life. Make a contract with yourself to live it differently today.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, a Russian scientist and Nobel Prize winner from the early 1900’s, is responsible for the famous “Pavlov’s dog” experiment (nobelprize.org, wikipedia). This is often used in conversation to refer to someone who is not using critical thinking but rather just impulsively reacts to situations. In the experiments, Pavlov noticed dogs salivating in response to food. He then altered this response by using various techniques, including whistles, tuning forks, and certain visual stimuli (interestingly enough, while legend says a bell was used, there is actually no evidence of this, and no bell was ever found in his laboratory). After the dog heard a sound and saw the food together, he eventually only heard the sound, but still salivated. This process of training worked to establish a pattern reaction, and to stop a pattern reaction. Your body works in much the same way. Change your conditioning, and you will change your habit. Stop allowing conditioned reflexes to establish your reaction. Become conscious of your actions and your reactions, and respond rather than react. Choose your behavior by choosing what rewards and consequences are coupled with it.

7. Reinforce your behavior. What are the rewards for doing or stopping your habit? What are the consequences you will set? This is part of the re-conditioning in Pavlov’s dog’s response. Change your reward system. Condition yourself to success and you will succeed. You get up in the morning and earn your money, right? What makes you get up and get going? You do not want the electricity turned off, and you want to keep a roof over your head and gas in your car. You need the same system of reward/consequence to start or stop a habit. If you lose weight or quit smoking, put the money you would have spent on junk food or cigarettes into a jar every day, and give yourself a reward every week. Start a savings account and watch the numbers grow. Buy a new dress, go to a movie, or do something else fun (and non-destructive).

Aside from breaking a contract with yourself, which should be severe if you value your word, what tangible consequence can you create? Do not be cruel or mean to yourself. Be confident, but firm. For example, Is there a fun event you want to attend? Make your habit (to lose it or do it) a condition of the event. Be sure this is not something like your child’s play (that would hurt your child), but something you really look forward to, such as a concert, a date out without the kids, or a night out with your friends. If you have the prize in sight, it will help you stay focused. Remember what you could lose.

8. Accountability and support system. Set it up, period. No excuses. Find a friend, get a sponsor, find a support group (there are groups to deal with grief, addiction, and more). Cut out sabotage. Get encouraged by stories of those who have made it. Whether in person, on the phone, or through the internet, be accountable. Pray. In your quiet times with God, commit to your decision and draw strength in your prayer time. Have a plan of action to prevent failure.

9. Have a plan to fall back on, before you quit, so you never will. This is a key component. You need to commit in the contract with yourself, to follow your fall back plan before you quit. Have a list of Bible verses to read to give you strength and go somewhere private to read them (the bathroom will do). Have some positive affirmations written out and read them to yourself slowly, until the panic or impulse to fail lessens. If the pressure to quit continues, have a list of people to call and talk out what you are thinking. Do not rationalize yourself to failure. Come back here and read this again, and remind yourself: you can do it!

Actively tell yourself new messages to change the old messages. If you are trying to lose weight and feel like you are going to die, for example, what is the truth? Are you confident you are following a doctor-recommended plan? If you have followed #5 above, then you can say yes. Re-interpret your hunger. If your body is hungry, you will still survive until the next meal. But consider if you are just emotionally hungry: are you angry, lonely, or tired? Find ways to fill this instead of using food.

Draw your line early, to maximize success. If you are an alcoholic who stopped drinking, do not allow yourself into bars. When you hit the worst stress and if you find yourself inside a bar, this is a warning flag. You have crossed a line that puts you into the danger zone. You are in the danger zone but you have not relapsed yet. Allow yourself a danger zone, and define it early. Try to never enter it. Consider this zone your last resort, and be sure it is something that will not do harm to yourself or others. Is your temper out of control? There is no excuse for taking it out on others (or yourself). Get it in control. Your danger zone should be early, when you feel your anger rise up. Whatever this is for you, your warning should be to leave the situation. Do it immediately, and follow your fall back plan to calm down. Try to never enter the danger zone, but have one nevertheless.

When you are tempted to fail, count to ten, breathe, and then follow your fall back plan. Make it long enough to include at least ten minutes of activity. If after ten minutes you are still on the edge of reverting to the old you, then start the fall back plan again. Repeat until your temptation moment has passed. Too many people say that “relapse is a part of recovery”. This is just an excuse to keep starting over, and never be truly free. Do not condemn yourself if you have failed before. You simply did not have the tools or the resolve. But you can do it now. You can follow these ten steps and this time, it will be different. Do not believe that you are inherently flawed and incapable of real change. You are as capable as anyone, and only you can change your life. Do it now, and do it for good. What danger zone and plan of action do you need to have? Set it up.

10. Make room for grief moments. Whether your change in habit feels so wonderful that it only takes a few minutes, or you are taking it a moment at a time, you will still find yourself needing to grieve. The first 20-30 days of a new habit (or the cessation of an old one) are critical for success. One reason is that you are still grieving as you change. So grieve. If it was a significant addiction, you may still find yourself grieving after a year. Grieve over what it has cost you, grieve over how you have hurt yourself and others, and grieve over what you are losing (a fast way to numb out and live in self-pity). It may sound odd to outsiders, but when you have truly made a significant change in your life, there are moments when the old ways may be missed.

Sometimes it comes when you have failed, and you wish for the old way of blaming it on your habit rather than an idea you had. Is your habit (or lack of a habit) an excuse to believe you are a failure, and never try to succeed? Are you using your habit to feel safer? To insulate you from criticism? For example, in business, some have a habit of blaming others for everything, and abdicate talent and ability by refusing to lead, therefore never bearing the blame. Step up and risk failure: it is the only way to create success.

Are you ready for change? Do it today.

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, diet & health, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, success, time management | 26 Comments »

Let It Get To You

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

The Christmas season brings more attention to giving and receiving. You may pay more attention during the holidays, but do you let it get to you all year long? Do you notice the good around you? Do you graciously receive from others, accept compliments with confidence, and appreciate random acts of kindness? Are you sensitive to the pain of others, inspired to change from the pain of life, and determined to act when it gets to you? Life has many pleasures and sorrows. It is easy to become calloused from hurt and disappointment. It is hard to do the opposite: to soften the rough places, to risk the pain and let others in, to live a full life rather than a shallow existence. Do you numb yourself to the world, or do you let it get to you? Do you receive the good given to you? Do you turn the bad around for good whenever possible? Let it get to you, the good and the bad. Let it inspire you to act, and to be a better you.

When you are paid a compliment, receive it.

When you receive an award, display it. Allow accolades to increase your confidence. You earned it!

When someone smiles, smile back. Enjoy the kindness of strangers.

If a friend listens to you, or shows you kindness, embrace it.

When you feel the familiar affection of a loved one, savor it, and appreciate it.

If someone takes a risk on you, recognize it.

If someone is vulnerable and asks for help, attend to it as you are led.

Create random acts of kindness to others. Let their happiness get to you.

When you realize you are now responsible for a life, let it get to you and inspire you.

When you hear the words “daddy” or “mommy”, or feel the unconditional love of a child you are nurturing, let it melt you.

Take a risk and let your dreams get to you. Is there a business idea you keep trying to suppress due to fear? Research it, and if it is solid, go for it. Is there someone you are afraid to ask out? Stop living in the “what if” and give it a try. Create. Strive. Be a better you.

Allow small romantic gestures to rekindle your relationship. A romantic marriage takes effort. Do you remember how even a simple hug used to feel amazing? Awaken that again.

Take a chance on someone. Let it get to you. Trust again.

When you are turned down, let it motivate you. Be determined to succeed. Rejection only means one road is closed and you are that much closer to finding the right path. Rejection has no bearing on your identity. Did you hear a harsh word from someone critical? Get over yourself. So you are not perfect. No one is. Not even the person who points out your flaws. Move on. Your purpose in life is too important to allow others to impede it.

When you realize your frustration is based on your life’s baggage from the past, let it get to you and inspire you to unpack it. Get past your past and take a chance in life again. The good and the bad await. If your life has been mostly up hill, then anticipate the wonderful coasting the hard-earned downhill will bring. It will get better. Believe.

Believe in what you cannot see. Is God speaking to you? Take a risk and listen. If God is truly God (and I believe He is), then that voice calling to you will only grow louder until you listen to it. Allow God to inspire you to stretch, to learn, and to conquer fear.

Volunteer. Whether your money, your time, your inspiration, or your encouragement, make your impact beneficial to others.

Give more than just once a year, develop a lifestyle of giving (whatever that means for you).

Listen attentively to difficult stories, and consider whether you should act.

Determine to live life happy, healthy, successful, and free. Let it get to you today. You can do it!

Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season,

Patricia

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, business, christianity, conquering fear, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, parenting, people skills, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 6 Comments »

How To Get Along With Family

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

Will you leave your next family gathering in peace or feeling regret? Do you look forward to spending time with your loved ones, or do you wonder how you will deal with the stress it brings? Your attitude, mindset, and perspective determine the result of your visit. A negative attitude sours a warm environment. An insecure perspective invites criticism and grief. A selfish mindset attracts anger and discord. Determine to be the character you seek in your family. Share warmth where there is none. Create peace where there is strife. Be loving but stay safe. You can prepare yourself to share time together without regret, and to leave at peace with yourself and your choices. Here are ten traits to exhibit that will create a better you at the holidays or any family visit.

What are you seeking from your family? People often seek approval, acceptance, and affirmation. You may want attention, assistance, or just desire some appreciation. Each family member comes with different expectations. You need to honestly examine your own assumptions, and realize you cannot control the behavior of others. Do not expect others to behave as you desire, nor create an image of the perfect time that you expect to fulfill. Your disappointments will show in your harsh words or actions. You will be the stress that you seek to avoid.

Family dynamics are complicated. A critical word that you would normally disregard can hurt deeply if spoken from a loved one. While you usually know your family the best, you often treat each other the worst. Tension, trauma, and unresolved bitterness can surround a family gathering. What about the children who feel they are never good enough, or the parents who feels their children are ungrateful and disrespectful? What about death, betrayal, or disappointment? What about the alcoholic mother who hurt her family for years, but now wants a second chance through forgiveness and grace? How do you relieve the tension, without acting fake, around a relative who has caused pain through emotional or physical abuse? What about the family member who sexually abused another, but denies it ever happened, and causes all to take sides? It could be any issue, but pain often results in people taking sides. With this reality, how can you still get along?

I know the sadness of watching your loved ones torn apart over discord. I understand the fear and grief of pain inflicted on you by another. I know the sense of injustice when wrongs are not set right. I also know that family is still family. I control what is up to me, and no longer try to control what is up to others. I refuse to allow the pain of the past to rob me of my joy today. I find pleasure despite life’s pain. I have fought my way to a peaceful family time for my children and for myself, where I can be real, yet guarded. I am careful to think about the positive memories, and bring an upbeat attitude to our visits. I put my children first. I take away from the experience life lessons. I learn how much I have changed, and where I still need to heal. I discover new sides to loved ones, and show new sides to me too.

Whether your family times are generally peaceful, or full of stress, here are ten actions you can take to get along better.

1. Be flexible and positive.

Plan ahead, but be prepared to throw out parts of your plan. You will get along best if you are not stressed when the schedule changes. Keep a positive attitude. Going somewhere different for dinner? Fine, ask for a long scenic drive there and see new sights. Is someone starting a new tradition? Take part and add your touch to it.

2. Be protective.

Guard your children, yourself, and your heart. Hopefully your family is a warm and safe place, with just everyday tension mixed in from clashing personalities. Some families, however, have serious issues that need to be watched. Safety is important. Decide ahead of time what to do if a certain situation arises. Nobody is perfect, and some things are worth putting up with for the sake of families. Some are not. Pray for wisdom and be ready to take action if the situation warrants it. Stay out of danger.

3. Be confident.

Do you know who you are, and are you secure in your identity? Show it. If you act insecure, you will attract people waiting to tell you how to feel. If you act unsure, others will be quick to help decide for you. Family often sense your subtle emotions, so if you are concerned about others trying to ‘fix’ you, then do some personal development ahead of time. Walk into the room knowing you are the best you possible right now, and that you will continue to be better. Be confident that you have value to contribute to others, and show your certainty.

4. Be authentic.

Be true to yourself. Be real. This does not mean you have to show every emotion. You feel the emotion, decide how to respond (rather than react), and allow yourself to process the feelings later. You can compartmentalize it for now, but be sure you deal with it later.

5. Be respectful.

There is a time for everything. Your parents and loved ones are not perfect. Neither are you. A great attitude begins with a desire to benefit others, and not to get even. Proverbs 15:1 says ”A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Show respect to your elders for the good part of their roles they have played in your life.  Practice good communication skills.  Consider the feelings of others, and try to imagine how you would feel from their perspective.

6. Be forgiving.

Forgive yourself, and forgive others. Bitterness and anger will only hurt yourself. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. To forgive does not mean to forget. Let slip from memory the little offenses that can build up, releasing them as you understand you need forgiveness too. Keep in mind the larger offenses that have taught you lessons. You know you have truly forgiven someone when you can recall what happened without feeling the anger again. Give people a second chance, but be safe. Trust is earned. Forgive, be gracious in showing your attitude of forgiveness, and guard your heart as the trust is rebuilt.

7. Be generous.

What can you give that is of value to your family? Share it. Be generous in word and deed. Show appreciation to those who have supported you. Give kind words to those closest to you. Say I love you. Be generous with your love, be generous with your time, and be generous with your money. Do not grieve yourself going into debt over a gift, but make it meaningful.

8. Be playful.

Play. Laugh. Have fun. Have a funny video or game ready to help break the tension if needed. Seek out pleasure moments and treasure them. Play reduces stress and elevates moods. Find mutual interests to enjoy.

9. Be attentive.

Are you always on the phone, computer, or PDA? When you put them away, you are telling your family what is most important. Listen to each other. Discord is often created, and is definitely increased, by misunderstanding and poor communication. Pay attention the way you want others to pay attention to you. Have you changed over the years? Remember others change too. Look for new positive traits in each other. You may be surprised.

10. Be nurturing.

Take care of your family, and take care of yourself. Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be the best you possible at the moment, and then be your own best friend.

Wishing you all warm and memorable family gatherings,

Patricia

 

Posted in attitude, balance, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, family, influence & purpose, parenting, people skills, personal development, play, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success | 9 Comments »

Beat The Blues

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Life has its seasons that are not dictated by a calendar. During the holidays, or a special celebration such as a wedding, you may wonder why you do not share the same happiness or enthusiasm as those around you. The pressure to perform as if you feel differently can cause discomfort, and comparing yourself against expectations can create the blues. You can give in to your sad feelings and allow them to dictate your reactions, or you can fight the despair and beat the blues.

This does not mean your feelings disappear. It means you face them. It is not easy. But you can do it! You may not be able to control the circumstances around you, but you can control your attitude, your thoughts, and your stance as you face life. Are you determined to make it and beat the blues? To know how to fight your way out, you must figure out what you are facing. Here is an exercise to sort out what feelings are stirring underneath, and to face them to beat the blues.

Sometimes you just feel down. Loneliness, sadness, and unrealistic expectations can trigger feelings of inadequacy and a sense of despair. Are you comparing yourself to others or to an impossible standard you created? Are you allowing unexpected circumstances or changes to derail your life journey? You can find bits of pleasure through the pain. You can get out of the pit and find true happiness.

You still have to grieve, but you can lessen tragedy’s impact on your life by taking care of yourself. First be sure you just have the blues, and not true depression. If you are not sure, check with an authority on the subject. There are sometimes chemical imbalances that need a doctor’s care, and you might need to have a professional help you regularly address your depression to get through it. Next, be sure you are caring for your basic needs. How are you managing stress? Do you have a regular sleep pattern? Are you eating to give yourself energy rather than run you down to fatigue? Finally, are you ready to be happy again? If you are determined to be down, you will be. You need to be at your best to fulfill the life purpose God has given you. Are you ready? Whether you are depressed or just feeling the blues, your attitude and thought life will play an important role in feeling better. This exercise can show you how to fight it, to face it, and to beat the blues.

In the 1960’s, The Byrds had a famous song entitled “Turn! Turn! Turn!” based on Ecclesiastes chapter 3 of the Bible which begins “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven…”. This exercise uses the lines of chapter 3 as a blueprint to understand the seasons of life. See where you are now by how you interpret each line. Your answers, if you are honest, will help you understand the strongest currents in your life at this time. Notice which lines stir up the strongest emotions, and promise to give yourself time to sort them out.

When you are saddened by something, you may feel guilty for not enjoying the happiness of others as you would like. While you still congratulate others and act courteous at gatherings, you do not need to be fake. It is important to allow time alone to process your own feelings. This may involve writing in a journal, talking to a friend, time in prayer, reading, crying, or taking some action to resolve the matter. If you are motivated to act, allow the emotional dust to settle first, to ensure you are confident of your decision. Then create a better you.

To everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
and a time to die;

What images do you see? Are some harder to think about than others? I remember the sadness I felt while my husband and I tried desperately to overcome infertility, and I still feel the joy at our answers to prayer at the births of each of our three children. I also think of a loved one I miss.

Have you noticed that the news seems filled with more tragedy around the holidays? A two-year-old dies suddenly. Parents killed. Woman attacked. While the news media may increase their focus on these stories at that time, I suggest it is also our heightened sensitivity to everything we value. This also happens when you are grieving a tragic loss. When the feelings are raw and you have not had time to heal, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by reminders of what you have lost (or what you never had). How can you further your healing today? Is there a place for your grief in your life? If you do not make a place to express it, it expresses itself somehow, usually helping you to overreact to circumstances. What fear can you conquer today? Are you plagued with worry that your loved ones may die suddenly and outside of anyone’s control? Change your thoughts today. Focus on the time you have, however long. Life is too precious to spend one more minute wondering ‘what if’. Instead, think only on what is.

A time to plant,
and a time to pluck what is planted;

How have you sown the seeds for your future? Persistence, patience, and endurance will help you achieve your goals. What are you planting? Is it time to reap the harvest? The original Hebrew word translated as ‘pluck’ here indicates to tear it out by the roots. Are there any weeds you need to remove by the roots, so they do not take hold in your life again?

A time to kill,
and a time to heal;
a time to break down,
and a time to build up;

What is festering inside you that you need to destroy? This sense of ‘kill’ means to smite, to slay, or to destroy. Where do you need to heal? This Hebrew word means to mend by stitching, to repair, to thoroughly make whole. Notice that it is an active process. You are not just healed by time. What steps can you take today to heal any wounds? What in your life do you need to break down or to build up?

There was a time in my life when I criticized myself, playing the tapes in my head of all the negatives I had internalized from myself and others over the years. I finally determined to stop tearing myself down. I deliberately broke down the hurtful messages from the past and replaced them with truth. How can you build yourself up today?

A time to weep,
and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
And a time to dance;

Life is full of emotions. When I gave up my eating disorder, I determined to live without numbing out. I replaced the addiction with healthy habits, and now I intentionally experience life, the good and the bad. Is it time to weep or to mourn for you? Can you find more ways to laugh or to dance, to celebrate life?

A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones;

Are you creating stairs with your life steps, stones that lead to success? Is there anything you are building that is leading where you do not want to go? Cast away those stones and change your course. Gather your courage to follow God’s purpose for you, and it will lead to peace. Do you want to start a new business, go back to school, or change careers?

A time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;

Is there someone you need to comfort? Do you need comforting? Is there a relationship you need to sever? Is there a relationship you are afraid to start but feel you should? Take courage and act in confidence.

A time to get,
and a time to lose;
A time to keep,
and a time to throw away;

A time to strive after, to seek for, and to search out something, especially through prayer. Are you attending to your spiritual component? Is there something unsettled within you? Are you struggling with your understanding about God, or are you sensing a new direction for your life? There is a time to seek after answers. What do you need to get in your life? What do you need to lose or to wander away from? Do you need to sort your life and priorities? What do you need to keep, and what should be thrown away?

A time to tear,
and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;

What hinderances need to be ripped or torn from your life, and what needs to be sewn together or mended?  Do you need to speak up about something, or keep quiet even though you wish to get involved?  Use discipline and be the best you possible. 

At a time when families gather, there are often years of hurt feelings under the surface. People are not perfect. You often hurt those you feel most comfortable around. Do you need to give an apology to someone? Do you need to forgive? Depending on the severity of the act, you can give someone another chance, or stay guarded immediately. But you forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the act, nor that you forget. Trust has to be earned back. But forgiveness means you no longer allow the offender to control you, and you rise above their mistake. When you forgive, the memory of the past event will lessen its impact on your current emotions. Forgiveness improves your health as your stress level decreases.

A time to love,
and a time to hate;
a time of war,
and a time of peace.

This term for love can mean sexual or friendship love. Are there affections you need to grow in your marriage? Do you need to give more attention to your children?  Are there friendships you need to nurture? Is there any part of your life you need to hate? Where are you at war, and where are you needing peace?

I used to love my eating disorder. It was killing me, but I used it to cope. I needed to hate it, and I finally went to war. I took a chance that God really did have a plan for me. I dared to believe that I had something special to contribute to the world, that I could accomplish the goals I desired and that I was worth the effort. I now have peace. This word for peace can be translated as a sense of safety, a feeling of wellness, a happiness. Do you need more health, more prosperity, more peace?

Do not compare yourself to how you think you should feel.  Rather, check if you are progressing forward from where you were, healing through it, not trying to go around it.  Where are you stirred up today? Do you have the big picture of your life at this moment? Make a determination to change your thoughts that are defeating you, to bravely face your fears and challenges, and by getting excited about your future and taking action on your present, to beat the blues. You will be a better you.

Patricia

 

Posted in Blogroll, attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, conquering fear, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, work & career | 13 Comments »

How To Use A Sick Day To Change Your Life

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

Sick days are a part of life. You can allow yourself to be overwhelmed with frustration, berate yourself for everything you will not get done, and tense up every muscle as the minutes pass by. You can also use the day to refresh yourself, to relax your tired body, and to change your life. Your response to illness determines whether you will end the day drained and stressed, or invigorated and content. Here are ten ways to make a sick day successful and productive. How will your next sick day change your life?

1. Create a positive attitude. Did you know that positive emotional states and healthy stress management can boost your immunity? A study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison (Davidson 2004) suggests people who respond with positive emotions have specific brain activity generated by these feelings that increase immunity. Following up from others studies that show attitude can impact your health, this particular study wanted to know why. They measured antibodies created after receiving a flu vaccine and found an increase in the immune response for those who had a positive affective style. Respond to life positively and you will be healthier. How do you manage the stress of frustration or the unexpected? Be sure you have the skills to compartmentalize your feelings and put it all into perspective. When you are sick, you need to help your body fight. Be sure you win the battle in the mind.

You will be healthier if your mind thinks constructive and uplifting thoughts. When you are sick in bed is not the time to consider all the things you cannot do. Instead, make a deal with yourself to think only about what you CAN do.

As indispensable as you are to your obligations, give yourself permission to be human. This does not mean that you drop everything at the first sign of a sniffle, but do not be on the other extreme, conducting office work while being triaged at a hospital. Life is a careful balancing act. Live it with a passion that begins with a healthier attitude.

2. Give yourself a break. Your body needs rest when you are sick. Nurture it and get refreshed. Treat yourself to the softest tissue you can find for your sore nose. Get the most comfortable pillows and blankets, and find your favorite spot to curl up and rest. Allow others to care for you, and be thankful if you have loved ones around to help. Unplug yourself from the world. When you are really achy and needing rest, turn off your phones and other wireless devices. If you have to keep one on for emergencies, ignore it unless it is a true emergency (hint:  caller id).

3. Rearrange your priorities. Consider the list of worries or tasks swirling around in your head, and then do this mental exercise. If you were to die this very moment, what would still matter? Whatever is now unimportant can be put off until tomorrow. Stop thinking about it now. For those tasks that are still crucial for the day, delegate them immediately. Get the calls done early and then make a choice to forget about them. If you are concerned about the result, put people you trust in charge of overseeing everything you have delegated so that they can do the worrying. Now relax.

4. Fight it. Be determined to beat it as soon as possible. If you are unable to physically get up, you can still accomplish great things with your mind. Decide to make the day one of accomplishment. When you are hungry, instead of eating in bed, go sit where you usually eat. A change of room can also help bring a more positive perspective. After you start to feel a little rested, take a refreshing shower.

5. Use the time your body is resting to take a personal inventory. Are you happy with your life? Is anything bothering you? Are there any areas for personal growth and development? Are you effectively managing your stress and your time, or could you use some better coping skills for greater success? Is your life course on track? Choose three things, and decide to gather your courage and create a better you by facing them. Did you know that many consider burnout to be a gap between your expectations and your reward (Farber 1983)? What do you expect that is not fulfilled? As you begin feeling better, do something to take the first step. It may be saying some kind words to someone. It could be starting a journal to help you cope with life. You may want to read a good book, or browse the internet for research and practical tips. You may get the courage to start a business, apply for a new position, or go back to school.

6. Evaluate your spiritual life. Are you at peace with yourself in the alone times, or does the quiet cause unsettling feelings to surface? Are you confident in your beliefs about God and your relationship with Him, or is uncertainty creating discomfort? Pray, read the Bible, or just listen. Spend some of your relaxing day being comforted in your soul by the author of comfort. If you dismiss the existence of God in your life philosophy, use this time to consider if you are taking the imperfections of others and attributing them to God. He is not the author of your pain, but He is the one who can help you out of it. I respect you have the right to disagree with me that God exists, but be sure that you are confident in your conclusions.

7. Stay on track. Do not use your illness as an excuse to be derailed from your path in life. If you have been eating healthy, then keep doing it. Just because you can only eat crackers for a while does not mean you need to make up for all the lost meals once you feel like eating again. Once you are better, keep up with the commitments you made before. If you avoid refined sugars (as I do), then politely explain to the well-meaning friends who say you need Jello or Gatorade that you are doing just fine anyway. There is sugar-free Jello if you just have to have it, with all the chemicals that entails. If you abstain from alcohol, then do not take Nyquil (which has 10% alcohol). There are plenty of cold medicines available if natural remedies are not your preference.

I follow an eating plan which has helped me stay in recovery from my eating disorder for over 14 years now. It includes eating balanced foods about every 4-5 hours, and while there is flexibility and variety, I have a minimum and maximum I must eat for each setting. This frees me and helps me consciously avoid putting my emotions into food. When I am sick and unable to eat, that does not mean I am off my plan. I refuse to be derailed. Here is one trick I use that can help you know if you are attempting to veer off course. If I am only able to eat crackers at first, then so be it. But I find that when I start to feel better, I might think to myself “well, I am still sick, so I could go ahead and eat a whole package of crackers just because it would be comforting/relaxing/fun, and worry about balancing it later.” This is a red flag for me, and I immediately know that if I have to rationalize it, and use an emotive word (”comforting, …”), then I am well enough to eat better. I may not be ready to eat a salad, but I can surely add some other food groups to my meal. Besides, when sick, protein is great for helping the body regain energy.

What is it you rationalize after you have been sick? Are you thinking of quitting your exercise regime simply because you had to miss a day? Were you motivated while accomplishing some personal goal and are you now tempted to throw it aside? Fight to stay on track and keep going on your journey. You are worth it!

8. Start a new habit or break a bad one. Why wait for New Year’s resolutions? Use your sick day to start fresh. Have you considered the effects of your requisite coffee? Aside from the monetary cost of a delicious Starbuck’s fix, there is a physical cost. You have probably already experienced the caffeine withdrawal symptoms (low energy, headache, etc.) during your illness. Why go back? Move forward. Have you wanted to give up cigarettes, and find that your body rejected them while sick? Do not pick them up again for emotional reasons, but take advantage of your sick day and start a quitting plan. Have you wanted to start exercising or eating better? Use the time to create a plan for when you feel better. You may find that feeling so lousy creates some excitement for the prospect of feeling so good. Motivate yourself and choose at least one habit to break or begin. Then do it.

9. Dream. What would you do if you could change your life? Use your sick day, a day away from your typical routine, to consider your life course. Set goals and aim high. Think big. It is okay, no one will laugh. And no one will even know if you stay quiet. Consider telling someone your dreams, goals, and aspirations. You may find encouragements in surprising places. Then take action. Are you stuck with an extended illness? Consider how you can use the time to help others. The biggest cancer fundraisers began with one person considering what to do to influence the world. What about you?

10. Grow, create, and expand. Before your day is over, enrich your life. Learn something new. Watch a documentary or “how to” show on television. Read a book about a subject you do not know. Browse the internet to learn what you do not typically seek out. Evaluate your life purpose, your measure of success, and consider your sphere of influence. Create a post for your blog if you have one, or express yourself through whatever medium your talent allows. You can be very productive while your body rests. You can even change your life. Do it today.

Posted in attitude, balance, business, change, christianity, confidence & self-esteem, courageous living, eating disorders, family, goals, influence & purpose, life philosophy, marriage, motivation, organization, parenting, personal development, productivity, recovery, relationships, spirituality, success, time management | 23 Comments »

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